I don't understand, it used to come out of me so easy here. I could just post about anything, my day, or how I felt, and it would pour out of me like one pours water from a pitcher. But now, it comes difficultly.

I had Myles, just for a few days. And that's fine. He needs to heal, and in a way, so do I.

He's still gone, and when he comes back, I don't know what's going to happen. I hope nothing does, but if something else wonderful happens again, then that's okay too.

I miss him.

A lot.

I've seen the end of the day come too late
Seen the love you had turning into hate

I totally fucked up and Josiah and ended up on my bed with me. Oh God, I hope that never happens again. I did not want that and was not ready to deal with that.

I can't believe that it all falls apart. Myles and his girlfriend. Josiah and I. Conrad and his girlfriend. We all ran out of steam I guess. I don't know how to explain it.

It's beautiful in a way. I'm not being morbid or sarcastic. It's like watching atoms collide. Everything has a lifespan. Relationships, atoms, people, stars, planets, everything. It's all born, living, dying, decomposing, coalescing, and born again. Over and over and over. Beautiful.

Had to act like I didn't even care
But I did so I got stranded standing there
Standing there

I told Erin about Tyler's mega-crush on her. She cringed, or pouted, or something that wasn't very happy. I knew she would feel this way. I knew Tyler had a crush on her before he even said anything. Everyone wears their emotions on their faces, like a running motion picture of the contents of their brains, playing out through the day on their lips and eyes. And then I told Tyler that I told her when he asked me not to tell her.

Ooooooops. (Not.)

How intentional of me.

No it's nothing that I haven't seen before
But it still kills me like it did before

I really am a monster sometimes. Horrific and deceiving.

Wow, I seriously fucked Josiah up.

I seriously fucking hurt him.

Holy shit.

Ow.

Oh my fucking god.

OH GOD OW.

It's probably strange that I spent my day drinking Oolong tea and teaching myself Esperanto. But it's so easy to understand! :(

And now I can say this in FOUR languages:
I am American.
Wo shì meiguó rén.
Watashi wa amerikajin desu.
Mi estas Amerika.

I don't know if you guys know this, but I'm actually kinda boring during the day on weekends! Today was typical, just Adrienne, sitting at her desk, learning, drinking tea or aloe water or whatever is on her shelf in the fridge.

And then the sun goes down...

Perhaps I had all of my fun yesterday. (Did I really have a cigarette? Yech.)

Whenever I want to do something I can't, I get antsy. Like right now, I can't sit still and I can't focus on much of anything. I just really want to be doing one thing in particular right now, but it's impossible.

Should go play some Buzzle Wobble. Uzzle.

You're like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid

Even when you're feeling warm
The temperature could drop away
Like four seasons in one day

Drifting through my blurred, intangible day, staring at the screen. Not sad, nor happy, nor any particular feeling. I am just existing today. Scratching a paragraph or two into my notebook. How his hair looked. Reading a page or two of my manga. Kamui breaking down in rage in the temple. Busying myself with work, trying not to think too hard.

Smiling as the shit comes down
You can tell a man from what he has to say
Everything gets turned around
And I will risk my neck again, again

Sat outside eating, watching the guys play ultimate frisbee, Dan screaming, Keith laughing. White clouds and blue sky. Ursa Minor somewhere up above me, looking down silently.

You can take me where you will
Up the creek and through the mill
All the things you can't explain
Four seasons in one day

Leland and I sitting together in an empty row for a few stolen minutes. Talking quietly. He and I are on the same page. I tell him it's still hard watching helplessly, and he says that he knows.

And that's all that needs to be said.

It doesn't pay to make predictions
Sleeping on an unmade bed
Finding out wherever there is comfort
There is pain
Only one step away
Like four seasons in one day

Edit: Agh I couldn't help myself. Why did I call him? Maybe I am just making things worse.

He is just...

So great.

*crosses arms*

Oh my God, I wish this were easier.

Blood dries up like rain
Like rain
Fills my cup
Like four seasons in one day

All I have are the fragments of our conversations drifting through my head.

How I just wanted to lay there with him.

I fidget, I pace a little, I clench my teeth (because I'm perpetually cold lately) and sigh (because I can't think of anything to say, even now). I sit back down again.

Yawn into my hands.

Waiting.

I had... a great day today. :)

I woke up, took a shower, read a few posts about some animal control workers, and jumped right into Japanese. We did a full conversation, working on speech, and then played a small game with the Nerf guns lying around. I can't remember who won, but it was pretty amusing to watch.

Afterward, Heath and Rob left, and I was walking around the upstairs floor trying to figure out what I wanted to do outside. It was gorgeous, not too cold, and I really wanted to go do something. The first thing I could think of was a picnic, and how I'd wanted to have one for a long time. It never really fell into place until today. Erin, Pat, Keith, Josiah and I all piled into Dan's car, drove to うわじ, and grabbed as much delicious food as we thought we'd like to eat. I got some gyouza, oolong tea, thai tea, gogo no koucha, mushi humbow, ume onigiri, grapes... LOTS of things to eat.

We ended up driving to this park I had never heard of nor been to before, Idylwood Park. It's on the water of Lake Sammamish. The sun was out, the field was full of daisies and dandelions, everything was bright and fresh. We ate at a picnic table in the sun, and played frisbee, and had a wonderful time relaxing. I made myself a daisy chain crown for my head, and we left a small bouquet of daisies in a shot glass (we'd been drinking sake out of) on the table.

When we get home, Patrick leaves for a bit and then comes back, saying he ran into Myles nearby. (Myles has been breaking his new bike in this weekend and was about an hour away from home. Odd.) And then, surprise! He stops by. I invited him to stay for dinner. He gave me a kiss on the cheek when no one was looking. I nearly passed out on the spot.

Hell of a day today. Wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

Rejected from my #1 school. A death in the family.

I needed to get out of the house. And, thinking about how I had said earlier that I didn't know where anything was up past Bothell, decided to drive north.

Mukilteo was boring. Everett wasn't much better. Tulalip Casino is humongous, I've never seen a parking lot so big in my life. I thought maybe I was going to Bellingham, but I ran out of gas in, uh... some town I've forgotten the name of. So I decided to turn around.

The internet on my phone said Mill Creek had a Shari's, so I went there and ate some pretty bland breakfast, with some okay coffee, and read some X manga I brought with me, which I could actually readily understand 80% of. I got through most of book 13 to where the only two minor characters die, and Kusanagi is in the hospital with Yuzu-chan. "Doushite ningen o koroshichaikenai no?" (Why shouldn't humans be killed, indeed, Satsuki.)

Now, in my head I can paint
Red, blue, black, and yellow things

I don't know what's in my head right now.

All I do is hurt, and then ignore the pain and distract myself until I forget it's there. And then I find myself in my room at the end of the day and it overwhelms me.

And I still haven't cried.

When was the last time I did?

Ron is dead now. Oberlin says no to my application. Myles shrinks away from me again like I'm a leper. Like I'm untouchable.

I was so happy on Thursday. So ridiculously happy.

It's dissolving
From your head
Your ears
Your arms
Along your legs

"Naze" in silver kanji on the inside of my left wrist. Naze. Naze. Naze. Repeating in my cavernous head, full of nothing but one word with no answer.

Naze?

Only I can't catch up
Should I start from nothing again?

Found this written on a few slips of paper, and had intended on inserting into my blog on this date. Verbatim:

It's okay that I'm not going to get into my 1st or 2nd choice schools because I applied to other schools that may still accept me, and they have decent programs. It's okay if none of them accept me, because I can apply to the University of WA and their program's probably just as good as Oberlin's or Colgate's. There are plenty of options left, and no reason to give up.

It's okay that things are confusing right now, and maybe even painful, because I am learning and growing from this. Even if I get hurt, I tried and I risked something to do so. I am more than strong enough to get through this, I can stand straight on my own 2 feet and take care of myself.

[In reference to Myles:]

It's sill to get caught up in this when little has happened so far. Being preoccupied with how the dynamics work out isn't what I need to be thinking about or focusing on. It will sort itself out. You have no control over how it does, so let go a little and let it unfold itself.

Even so. I was really happy on Thursday. And... I don't know what to do with such a desolate island of joy and enjoyment.

Uncertainty it seemed to me
The while I held my heart within my hands

[In reference to Ron's death on Easter:]

Very very slowly, almost imperceptibly, death inhales my family. My father's father in 1993. My father's mother in 2006. My uncle on Easter morning. Crawling toward me.

Last night was agonizing.

These last few days:
Sakura Con, volunteer staff. I didn't have anything better to do, so I offered up my help for console gaming. Ran into a number of people there, including Natalie and Kevin. (Meh.) I genuinely had a good time; staffing was easy, there was plenty to do, lots of dancing, lots of jokes and fun watching drunk Trent on Sat. Then J[osiah] has a meltdown Saturday night on the way home. Then I open a letter from Oberlin telling me I've been rejected. Sunday afternoon, my mother tells me my uncle was found dead on the floor of his apartment. J[osiah] talks to M[yles], who is now "less sure" about what's going on. J[osiah] has effectively chased another person away from me, possibly. And there's fuck all I can do about it. My first instinct is to shove everyone away, which I've been doing subconsciously. I am feeling stupid for wanting M[yles], for thinking that he would want me at all. He seemed so unobtainable. This all feels so surreal.

-_-

In his own words:

"Adrienne?
Are you sure?
You're not fucking with me, are you?"

I am so ridiculously upset right now.

Resisting. Resisting. Waiting. Watching him as I poke at my hashbrowns. Raising my eyebrows at both his silliness and my emotional reactions. Resisting. Fear. Shy.

Scared.

Trembling.

Choking on my own breath.

And I want you now

Cold inside and holding my chest to keep things steady. Trying to keep my heart inside my ribcage. Keep swallowing to make sure I don't vomit.

His eyes and the light from the streets making them shimmer. Messy hair. Running mouth, feeding the space between us, slender fingers gesturing.

I can't look away now.

I want you now

I am sure of this. I am so sure of this, I make the move he has been waiting for, and dives into me, slithering beneath my clothes and seizing me.

"Backseat?"
"Backseat."

Clothes off. He tastes like fruit and I can't help biting down. His strained whimpers. Shedding shirts, jeans, exploring, touching. Trembling.

Inside.

Hands on my back, my hips, wrapping around me, engulfing me.

I'll feel my heart implode

Beautiful.

Me: i was just thinking about sakura con. because it's this weekend.
Her: i thought about it too
Me: that memory's a little painful, i think. i mean considering everything.
Her: especially for me, because i was pretty stupid, but it can't be changed
Me: it's not like it's something that needs to be made up for
Her: weh, i meant it in a general sense @_@
Me: all past transgressions are gone, i don't linger on that anymore. it's just everything. everything about you then.
Her: i'm sorry.
Me: you shouldn't apologize about it. it strikes me how awkward and beautiful things were then, when they were good. and ridiculously fleeting.
Her: so many good things tend to be. D:
Me: i miss you a little. especially when i get thinking about these things.
Her: are you okay? :\ i just...hm, i'm kind of speechless. i hope you don't think i'm making light of it.
Me: well, i don't know. and i can't think of anything to say that conveys what i'm feeling right now. it's just. natsukashii. hardcore.
Her: hontou dane. :( that's the best word, the most appropriate one.

Talked to Jade. She's involved and has been. And I miss her a little. Caught up in my memories again. All the clips in my head, playing, looping.

Endlessly.

Sing for absolution
I will be singing
Falling from your grace

I don't want to wonder
If this is a blunder
I don't want to worry whether
We're gonna stay together
Till we die

Uhh.

Let's start at the beginning.

Saturday night, we throw a house party. It's good, real good, having a good time, getting drunk, awesome friends, great music from Trent and his band, and Conrad too. Randall makes some ass comment about my eyeshadow, and I get a little emo in the bathroom by myself because I'm drunk and I can just barely hold myself together for two minutes. I realize it's pretty silly, so then I book it downstairs and we're all gonna go play Nerdtionary (hurr).

I don't want to jump in
Unless this music's thumping
All the dishes rattle in the cupboards
When the elephants arrive

After we're done, people leave, etc. and there are a handful of us left upstairs and down, just chillin' out. I end up upstairs with Rob, Megan and Myles (Keith is superdrunk passed out in his room). I sit on the floor, Myles follows suit, then I lay down, then he's laying down. And then I'm cold, he says spooning, and all of a sudden he's spooning me. And then Megan jumps in on it in front of me. And then Conrad stops by again, spoons Myles, and we're all spooning on the floor, giggling like mad while Rob watches up and attempts to wrap his drunk head around what's going on.

Myles, Megan and I end up on the floor for quite some time. Megan and I are nice to each other and even talk about what's happened between her and her husband, and me and Josiah a bit (I think). We watch Over 9000 and sundry. Myles has his arm around me the entire time. Spooning falls apart. Megan leaves. Conrad leaves. Mike Lee leaves. Josiah goes to sleep. Myles, Rob and I are sitting around upstairs. Somehow, we're back to spooning. Then Rob is gone, and he's in front of me with THAT look in his eyes. I babble something about wanting my Summer to be amazing, he kisses my forehead. Woah. Wait. So I say something equally inane, and he leans forward to kiss me.

What.

Rob comes back and Myles resigns himself to curling up next to me on the couch awkwardly.

So... I'm like, huh? Was that just the alcohol?

Cut to Monday night.

I don't want to fake it
I just want to make it
The ornaments look pretty
But they're pulling down the branches
Of the tree

Myles sends me a message like, hey, hint: I like you. So I responded openly, and invited him over to finish the keg off that night. He shows up randomly without responding, knocking on the slider downstairs. Okay. I was already half-way gone at that point, so there's some eyes being made, and I'm having a good time. Get Keith's my pjs on, skitter around with more beer. Heath's drunk. Things are winding down again, and it's 12:30 in the morning. I wander outside to figure out where Heath went (he ended up leaving drunk; bad!) and Myles wanders out to find me. And wraps his arms around me, shivering like he's gonna fall over.

Waht.

He's saying things I can't understand because the blood is bursting so fast through my veins it's drowning out all of the sounds around me. I murmur, staring out at the street, trying to feign coherency, trying to not seem like I'm frozen to the spot.

Patrick comes out, Myles releases me instantly, and they smoke. His nervous, taught fingers move from mouth to side, back and forth. Pat leaves, Myles stands in front of me and my heart is in my throat and I am choking, I can't say anything. I know, I know what's going to happen here and I make some even more ass comment about not going on second dates and

then

silence

and my lips are warm

and wet

he can barely keep himself from shaking into pieces

and all of the words fall out of the back of my head and all I can do is look up at him with some nameless something filling me to the top of my skull.

I don't want to think about it
I don't want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips
I want to sink down to the bottom
Of the sea

I tell him I can't think of anything to say, when I really have so many words to say in such a small space that I'm afraid to voice a single thing. He sighs in a way that makes me call him after he leaves and tell him everything.

So... still no idea what's going on, really.

Something welled up inside of me today. Beck's voice in my ears today. Hands well-occupied waving around at the screen, orchestrating a battle. But the beat's lodged in my feet, up and down. Perpetually moving around. Shifting. Something in the center of my chest. Something I'm slow to identify.

Anxiousness.

An old friend come to visit unexpectedly.

I had forgotten all about this kind of feeling after spending 3 months deep in the recesses of polar equations. Is it already April? Spring and this feeling has crept upon me. That first smell of something heavy in the air. The first kiss.

I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I
Should have done

And me, a dust mote, spinning and reeling through my day in the first beams of sun. A burning hot whim floating on lightwaves.

I don't want to doubt you
Know everything about you
I don't want to sit across the table from you
Wishing I could run

"I'm so tired of this project."
"Well... *kisses forehead* Does that help?"
"I don't know what's in my head right now."
"That's not very reassuring."
"No, it's just... I have an end date, a day that I leave here. I want everything to be awesome until then."
"Awesome things every weekend?"
"I want to do awesome things all the time."
"Ah... *leans in to kiss her*"

Don't forget this moment. Don't ever forget it.