I'm gonna dance all dancehall everyday

Mesdames et messieurs, maintenant nous allons faire grand petit voyage par bateau.

I talked to my mother about this, and she grounded me and offered her viewpoint. Told me what I hadn't said out loud just yet, and in applying it to this situation affirmed it.

What is it with fathers anyway?

Well I'm giving myself another one
I have too much to say

Lael's griefing me, but not on purpose I don't think. I mean, there was that crap pseudo-rumor about how she talks behind other's backs like high school is going out of style. She's flighty, but this flighty?

All the same, what a fucking relief to have her out of the house come tomorrow. I'm sure that you all who moved out at the beginning of August felt the same when you left. But we've talked this to death over coffee already.

I can't even apologize for that. She has her moments. And thusly it all sinks into indifference, because it's not like I'm out to get EVERYONE.

Or is it.

...DUN DUN DUN!

I'm gonna angle for telepathy
Cause I don't know the words to say
Well I'm gonna act up but not in your fucking play
I'll let you win the argument if things still go my way

I couldn't help myself.

Well I haven't had enough
And I said I had my fill
The past does not exist
And I'm told it never will
I guess that I'm stuck here
Like a plant on a windowsill

Modest Mouse is louder. The more of their music I dip my toes into, the louder they get. Or the louder I like it. Or both. Or something.

I really like just talking like this now. Even more, ever better, just running at the mouth, blah blah blah, whatever I want to go goes here and all is lost to the vastness of the internet.

I came up with this just now: Don't shit in my shit hole. Oh man, I'm on a role. Unnecessary profanity! Derogatory ranting! Post-post-post-modern grammar! HAHA!

I'm gonna tell you what you want to hear anyways
I could give myself a shot
I could get myself a pill
I'm gonna go and try to buy a little more time to kill
I need a can opener, cause I got some beans to spill

I could even make an entire post with NOTHING IN IT.

I don't mean no content, that's far too rampant lately. I'm talking about a single post with absolutely nothing in it.

Well somehow or another I fell for every scam
But I was dancing on the tin roof, cat be damned
Committing crimes running down the alley
I am the captain and you are in the galley

What a glorious idea.

And then I get my ass handed to me at UT2k4.

How humbling.

Been thinking about how much information is here. My blog is three years and one month old. This is post 1051. That's an average of 28.4 posts a month. And .947 posts a day. I'd like to think that the quality's gotten better.

I'm here again inside you
It's so nice in here
But I can't stay for long
I float around in liquid hibernation
In a hotel nourishing on the electricity board

There are a lot of things that I have never felt the need to say in here because I have always felt them, and continue to, and there's no sense in putting them here. The fundamentally unchanging things about myself are left out, but why? I thought I was supposed to be inside this place, like my memory palace. It's distorting the point of writing things down. Why not have a blog sitting inside my head? I could easily do it, with memory exercises. I don't know the answers to these yet. Probably because I have a different version of blog in my palace. I have Josiah's room, Sean's room, the dungeon, the blueprint room, The Island above the entrance, the fireplace, et cetera on into the infinite confines of my mind. It makes me curious whether even my memory palace would be here if I could draw adequately. I would like to do so someday. Even if in small, infrequent amounts.

I've always been pretty blatant about why this is here in the first place, but not why I post certain things. My mind's convecting around this, some liquid core of a planet's body.

I heard a lot when I was growing up that the difference between sane and insane is the amount of filtering you do from transferring brain to mouth. The thought of filtering NOTHING and your sanity remaining intact interests me to the point where I look for people that do this. I'm not talking about secrets you shouldn't be talking about according to whoever makes up these rules (abortions, drunks, drug problems, rape, incest, abandoned children, whatever). I'm talking about every single god damn thing that comes to mind. If it were possible for someone to do so, the internet would collapse under the weight of such thoughts.

This blog is on the path to that point. There's a lot here, but there's filtering, some rearranging at my own discretion, and as much or little forethought as I feel like applying. My own space to manipulate. I guess you could go so far as to say that absolutely no filtering puts upon the rest of the world due to the invasive feeling of being manipulated at someone else's leisure. Reality would turn on its head, you'd never know what is what. There's that feeling here too. I've told so many contradictory things here. I think I'm starting to understand why people are scared that this exists. It's so assaulting in so many ways.

I explode out and the peace is no more
Bathed in new light
I cry and cry
Disconnected
An unused brain put on breasts
And fed by sleepwalkers

I get a lot of questions as to what's real and what's not. I never know how to answer that.

Lol conformist. With her top 40 lyrics and indie bullshit, and how gross it must be to live in a quivering little hole in the digital ground, hmm? Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing here. I'm a mess, completely confused about who I am or what I want, absolutely oblivious to how my actions affect other people. I'm blind, deaf and stupid. I am selfish, arrogant, egoistical, confused, paranoid, scared, meaningless, adrift. Empty. Right?

I constantly compare myself to people, I ignore warnings and advice, my hearing is selective, I hate everything around me that's good and chaste and better than myself, I seek out and destroy things that make me look just as bad as I really am. I represent everything that is wrong and confused about this generation. I am a stunningly sickening poster child for sin, immorality, self-gratification, meaninglessness, aimlessness, and WORST of all, bad art.

Is that what you wanted to hear me say?

It's just vile.

I'm becoming less defined
As days go by
Fading away
Well you might say I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract
In terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself

It makes me wonder who reads this. I really don't know now.

So Josiah's shamed by me? What does that even mean? Josiah's a separate being from me. He can shame himself just fine.

Less concerned about fitting in the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter
No it doesn't really matter
None of this really matters anymore

Me: sean, as you've known me for five years now, do you think my blog is worthless? i mean absolutely nothing, just some blitherings about whatever i feel like saying?
Sean: I don't believe your blog is worth any more or less than anyone ELSE'S.
Me: and the fact that other people can see it? josiah's father told me it's shit and worthless.
Sean: And...does his son say the same thing?
Me: no
Sean: Then he can blow me. How often does he actually sit down and talk to you? spend any real time with you?
Me: none. ever.
Sean: And so he reads your BLOG and just starts popping off at the mouth like he knows who you are?
Me: yeah.

In retrospect, how funny this all is.

Only
Only
Only

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I shouldn't see
And now I know why
Now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside

How pitiful it would be to exist in a barren world with sad, small people.

There is no fucking you
There is only me

I don't have the time for this, I have a convention to go to.

(To make myself feel better about the stress.)

What I have accomplished:
I pay my own bills on time.
I pay my own rent on time.
I make $23k a year with massive benefits doing a job I like.
I am engaged to a wonderful guy I thought I'd lost forever.
I have enough money to buy a 2004 Mazda 3s.
I am getting close to my A.A. degree.
I did a damn fine dyejob on my own hair without help.
I got rid of the problem people in my life.
I am moving into a townhouse above Uwajimaya at the end of this month.
I pay for my own books for class.
I am going to PAX.
I have friends that I can more than just stand.
I have the time to help my friends with their own lives.
I have under $150 in debt.

What Alana has accomplished:
She went to Japan on her mother's dime.
She learned to drive.

1. initials: AMH
2. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
Cervantes.
3. Where was your first kiss?
I don't remember. I was a little slut-child.
4. For or against same sex marriages?
For.
5. Are you homophobic?
No.
6. Are you bisexual?
Yeah.
7. do you believe in God?
No.
8. how many US states have you been to?
Washington, Oregon, California, Colorado, Idaho, Montana, Florida. Seven.
9. how many of the US states have you lived in?
Two.
10. have you ever lived outside the US?
No.
11. name something you like physically about yourself:
My hands.
12. name something non physical you like about yourself:
My financial responsibility.
13. where do you want to go to retire?
I'm never going to retire from writing.
14. what is your dream car?
350z, with a Mazda 6 or a Scion TC for every-day driving.
15. if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
All of Europe, Japan, China, South Africa, India, Brazil, West Indies (the places that aren't currently in political unrest. does that even apply to any of them? XD)
16. have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone?
Yes.
17. how many concerts have you gone to?
Three I think. Maybe four.
18. do you download music?
Yeah.
19. how many illegal things have you done?
Too many to name.
20. where would you want to go on a first date?
One of the little restaurants in Seattle that I like. And cabaret maybe. Or a burlesque show.
21. describe your perfect date:
That One French Restaurant ftw.
22. has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Yeah, both. One of my friends runs by his new musical creations with me whenever he works up the courage to let me hear them.
23. ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yes.
24. do you like president bush?
I kind of pity him for being so mentally challenged in such a high position of office. It's also difficult for me to watch him push his religious agenda when he clearly knows what he's trying to get passed into law is unconstitutional.
25. have you ever bungee jumped?
Not yet.
26. have you ever white- water rafted?
No. And no thanks.
27. have you ever crashed a car?
Yes.
28. has anyone more than 10 years older than you hit on you?
Yes.
29. have you met a real redneck?
Yes.
30. are you interested in anyone right now?
Yes.
31. what song are you listening to right now?
The hum of the many computer fans.
32. what is your current favorite song?
Um. I'm not sure. I had a favorite song from high school, but I don't know whether it's changed or not. And I'm not really sure that there would be a new contender for the spot.
33. what was the last movie you watched?
Clerks.
34. who was the last person you said you loved?
Josiah.
35. where was the last place you went besides your house?
I went to Dilletante's last night for a Voltaire and cheesecake.
36. have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property?
No. Well, not seriously.
37. have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Yep. Tons of times. It's what brothers are for.
38. Have you ever sang in front of a large number of people?
Does large group of people include all of my siblings?
39 is missing due to a repeat question from an earlier quiz.
40. what really turns you on?
Sneaky spontaenous touches, kisses and nips.
41. what do you usually order from starbucks?
Something with caramel. Sometimes their Tazo black tea, iced. I get my raspberry mochas from Bauhaus.
42. what is your biggest mistake?
Currently, it would be not doing my homework and waiting till the last minute.
43. have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Yes. No regrets.
44. say something totally random about you:
I hate people who answer questions that require you to be random with "uh..." or "um..." like they can't possibly come up with ANYTHING about themselves that's interesting. I hate them for it because if it's not true, then they're not interested in showing their real selves to other people, and if it IS true, why the fuck are they taking this quiz and not out doing interesting things with interesting people? Either way, I wouldn't want to know them in the first place.
45. do you have an i-pod?
No.
46. has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
No.
47. do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Yeah, I kind of nanny.
48. do you have braces?
No.
49. are you comfortable with your height?
For the most part.
50. what is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Nothing particularly romantic. Sexy things, sure. Nice gestures, yeah. Surprise gifts, those too. But nothing romantic.
51. when do you know it's love?
When you break up momentarily and it hurts like a million bees are stinging your insides.
52. do you speak any other languages besides English?
Japanese, somewhat. I need more practice. AVERY GIVE ME MORE PRACTICE. >:( Also some mumbly French, German, Spanish.
53. have you ever been to a tanning salon?
No.
54. what magazines do you read?
Gothic Lolita Bible. :55. have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yeah, a couple of times.
56. has anyone you were really close with passed away?
No.
57. do you watch mtv?
No.
58. whats something that really annoys you?
Not only misspellings/mispronunciation, but when someone doesn't honestly care enough about the integrity of the language they're trying to convey to correct the mistakes they made and try to remember not to do so next time.
59. whats something you really like?
Voltaires. :D
60. do you like michael Jackson?
No.
61. can you dance?
Yes.
62. have you ever surfed?
Not yet.
63. do you know how to pump gas?
*incredulous look*
64. do you drive?
Mm hmm.
65. whats the latest you have ever stayed up?
50 some-odd hours.
66. have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
No. I'd like to think of myself as invincible, until proven otherwise.
67. were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No.
68. have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do?
Yes. And turned it down rightly. But it's only happened once or twice, because I don't say dare unless I'm ready to do whatever's asked of me.
70. do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
Yes, unless I just want the quiz and don't care about the person who wrote it.

So we're being evicted warned by our landlord. For having people living in the house that are not on the lease.

The guy didn't want to rent to kids in the first place, God knows why he went ahead with it. He also didn't want any pets in the house. He was very reluctant to do this with us in the first place. I'm not surprised.

Anyway, we need to be out of here like right now. We legally have until the end of the month, but it's basically get out as soon as we can or he's going to take us to court for the rest of the lease's rent.

And to top this all off, Pam (who is on the lease) owes Josiah a great deal of money. She didn't pay August's rent, then left without telling anyone where she was going, and with no way of getting ahold of her. But she left all of her stuff here, so we assume that she's going to come back for it. (She's on a lease. It's a legally binding contract, you can't just walk away from that. The landlord will go after her if she tries to disappear.) Nevertheless, people have already started pre-emptively claiming her things.

She's stupid anyway, obviously, and hopefully not stupid enough to push this into court.

I'm floating down a river
Oars free from their hold long ago
Lying face-up on the floor of my vessel
I marvel at the stars and feel my heart overflow

Further down the river

Nick moved out today. Keith moves out tomorrow. Both of them are going to their parents' places. Keith said he wants to come back up and live in a studio somewhere once he has a job lined up. Lael's trying to get out as fast as she can, and moving in with a friend somewhere. And who the fuck knows/cares about Pam.

Josiah and I are moving to the apartments above Uwajimaya with Avery (woo!) into some 2 bed 2 bath apartment made of sex. We're going over to their office Monday to take a look at places in the building.

I'm just really glad I hadn't put up my posters/pictures/photos on the walls yet. They're a bitch to take down. @_@

We were aiming for the moon
We were shooting at the stars

Okay, okay.

I'll admit we screwed up bringing Pam into this. My fault. My bad. I apologize for even entertaining the thought that there's another human being with female genitalia who could even match my superior emotional control and logistics.

(Excuse the ego, but really, it's very hard to find good female friends these days.)

I wanted very badly to have a girl I could mess around with and then go shopping with and not think anything of it.

I was wrong about this one. :
Your word and my word and your word is
Tomorrow, today and yesterday
But it's a necessary evil
And you will find your way there

And then the ensuing argument two people held THROUGH a third party because one of them was too angry to directly fight, and the other too scared.

Hah!

HAH!

Here, Aevi, let me pick at your flaws. Your inconsistencies. Your grammar, for Christ's sake. Someone didn't pay attention in high school.

And sorry about cutting up your post, but your run-on sentences make my head ache.

Aevi: okay it took nick over a month to find a job after him moved here. [*snip*] I don't have a lot of experence in anything the only good things that i have to put down on a resume is that i have microsoft certified and that is easy for anybody to do [*snip*] I have my own upstairs and I will pay for things once I have money. I don't have any right now so I can't pay for things. Everybody will be paid back once I get a check or get a job.
Taisa: I had 2 jobs lined up if the painting thing didn't go through. It took nick a month to find a job? Funny, he wasn't late on the rent, and keith didn't move in until he got the job because he knew that he WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING WITHOUT A JOB so he did the responsible thing and waited until he had a job to move in.

What drives you on
Can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had

Don't believe in love
Don't believe in hate
Don't believe in anything
That you can't waste

You stupid girl

Wait... a second.

"I don't have a lot of experence in anything"

"I don't have a lot of experence in anything"

"I don't have a lot of experence in anything"

Me: what?!
Geo: experence
Me: i mean... florist's positions. she's up shit creek without a paddle.

Backstory: Pam's a guru when it comes to plants. She has more experience with it than I do NANNYING for fuck's sake. What does she do with it?

Looks for nanny positions.

Why?

The world may never know.

Oh, and then she tells someone (excuse me, I've forgotten in the slurry of limp-wristed punches and don't care to look) that she'd put up a fight if we tried to kick her out because she's on the lease. She wouldn't WANT to live here after the shit we'd put her through.

Come on, do you really think there's one person in this house that doesn't have a problem with you, besides Nick (who doesn't count, ever)?

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds
Before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings
The consequence at hand
But I keep livin this day like
The next will never come

Sigh.

Yeah, you guys wish your lives were this exciting, right? *eyeroll*

Anyway.

Here's a quiz, because I've forgotten who I am again.

Seven Deadly Sins

WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with? Josiah, for being a dick in the car.
2. What is your weapon of choice? My sai. (If only they were sharpened.)
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Oh yes.
4. How about of the same sex? Even better.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Pam, I think. Really angry is a pretty relative term.
6. What is your pet peeve? Too much of anything.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? Depends on who you are and what you did.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Take care of my ear piercings. >_>
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? I've woken up at all sorts of crazy times.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: That guy from my Creative Writing class. :4. What is the last lame excuse you made? I can't even remember it, it was so lame. Ask Josiah, he'd know.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? Yeah. The one about the special set of knives with that crazy portly guy in the striped apron with the mustache.
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? While taking care of my kids. x_x
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? None, I slept the fuck in.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Grande iced caramel frappuccino. Starbucks, mm.
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? Dark.
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? 10 shots and five beers. I had to really concentrate in order to walk straight.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? Not really. Working on the little kinks.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Sweet, spicy, salty. In that order.
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? Oh, all the time.

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Oh god. Twenty at least.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? More than the previous estimate. I'm such a little slut.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Many times.
4. Have you "done it"? Many times.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Hair. Shoulders. Hands.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Yes.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? None!
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? The internet.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Move to Japan, finish my degrees there and translate/write to my heart's content. Also, take care of my Josiah and give ourselves a right proper wedding/honeymoon.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Oh yes.
6.Have you ever stolen anything? All the time.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? Something like 1500.

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Being published.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Being successful in all my endeavours.
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? To figure myself out.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Not unless it's the millionth time in a row.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Yes.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? From time to time.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? Had only one cigarette, and kissed Josiah a lot.

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? One-on-one time with Avery.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Neil.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Josiah.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? ... ._.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Smaller breasts. Slightly slimmer torso.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? I don't want anyone else's traits but my own.
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? No.
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Wrath.

He is the lamb
She is the slaughter

Someone new in our lives.

Avery.

He knows more Japanese than I do. :
I feel upstaged.

Sono kami mo
Kirei na yubi mo
Tamaranaku daremo o sono ki ni saseru
Urunda hitomi ni mitsumeraretara
Mou gaman dekinai kara

Kimi o daite uchuu no kanata e
Kodoku na tabi kara "sayonara"
Mujuuryoku na kankei de mo ii
Soredemo kimi wa
Dareka ni muchuu

Sono koe mo
Atsui toiki mo
Utsukushiku daremo o toriko ni saseru
Nurashita karada kasaneawasetara
Mou gaman dekinai

Very curious about this one.

He gawks at women.

What's his story.

What makes him tick.

I'd ask, but that seems too forward. He's not my friend, after all. I don't want to break social rules, it's usually a warning sign when that happens.

Too busy thinking about the what ifs to sleep.

So what would an angel say?
The devil wants to know

This is like Neil and the others all over again, only I can touch him.

It makes me want to sleep with him, to know his weight and texture.

Very curious indeed.

Sotto
Furerarete
Kono hoho no
Tsumetasa ni
Yatto kizuita

Asa me ga samete
Tori no koe ni
Hajimete
Kizuku you ni
Totsuzen

Mada shiranai nanimo
Kokoro ga motometeru mono
Shiranai no

Watashi koko ni
Anata no naka

In a thread dissing some asshat who lost his $300 Oakley sunglasses, and the ensuing "you're better off without them, now you don't look like a cunt," I got curious as to what was so great about this company.

So sue me, now I want a pair. :D

Also, new computer cam with high quality action. <3







Also also, new swimsuit. <3