"An intense short, right frame of mind, but not quite what I was looking for."
Story of my life, kids.
12.28.2003
ED150 | 5.0 | Arranged | Marshall
PHOTO101 | 5.0 | MWF 1:00-2:00pm | Chambers
MATH097 | 5.0 | Daily 11:00-12:00pm | Patel
Ask the Oracle a Question
PHOTO101 | 5.0 | MWF 1:00-2:00pm | Chambers
MATH097 | 5.0 | Daily 11:00-12:00pm | Patel
| The Oracle Advises... |
finish my novel |
12.24.2003
i
am thinking it's a sign
that the fleckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss
they're perfectly aligned
and i
have to speculate
that God himself
did make us into
corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay
true
it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this
that catch my troubled head
when you're away
when i am missing you to death
To be read aloud:
Fuck this holiday. Fuck the window decals and Santa hats and reindeer earrings. Fuck the family get-togethers, fuck the cheery attitudes and fuck Midnight Mass. Fuck the icicle lights. Fuck the singing snowmen. Fuck the sleighs on the rooves and the plastic Santas on the lawns. Fuck the "Merry Christmas"es. Fuck the Christmas dinners, shiny wrapping paper, ornament-encrusted flammable deathwishes of fake trees. FUCK THIS HOLIDAY.
Sitting in the dark devouring a book and pasta. Sip my Coke. Watch the hours burn slowly, incense in a ubiquitous holder, dissolving into the air with little more than a wisp of gray. Try to forget how your stomach turns over in its grave within your abdomen, the weird hotcold feelings and how you'd rather be sleeping these static hours away.
This is a very lovely song and the only thing I need to be listening to right now.
*nods her head with the beat*
i
tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon listening
and that
frankly will not fly
you will hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows
with the windows down
when this is guiding you home
Haven't started his last present yet. It needs to be good. Great, even. Stellar. To make up for myself.
*takes another sip of her Coke and sets the slippery glass down*
I hate you, Blogger, for changing your posting format so often. Pick a format and stick with it. Christ.
I'm wondering if some bands find themselves making their own original music and lyrics, and then step up to the nationally recognized level and find themselves unwittingly repeating what so many others have done, are lumped in with them and neatly shoved under any one of a number of rugs by people like me.
In short, I underestimated Postal Service.
I like one (two?) of their songs and that's enough to make me apologize for criticizing what they stood for before even thinking about what I was saying.
She's a good person after all?
I am so fucking horny.
they won't see us waving from such great heights
come down now
they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
come down now
but we'll stay
am thinking it's a sign
that the fleckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss
they're perfectly aligned
and i
have to speculate
that God himself
did make us into
corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay
true
it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this
that catch my troubled head
when you're away
when i am missing you to death
To be read aloud:
Fuck this holiday. Fuck the window decals and Santa hats and reindeer earrings. Fuck the family get-togethers, fuck the cheery attitudes and fuck Midnight Mass. Fuck the icicle lights. Fuck the singing snowmen. Fuck the sleighs on the rooves and the plastic Santas on the lawns. Fuck the "Merry Christmas"es. Fuck the Christmas dinners, shiny wrapping paper, ornament-encrusted flammable deathwishes of fake trees. FUCK THIS HOLIDAY.
Sitting in the dark devouring a book and pasta. Sip my Coke. Watch the hours burn slowly, incense in a ubiquitous holder, dissolving into the air with little more than a wisp of gray. Try to forget how your stomach turns over in its grave within your abdomen, the weird hotcold feelings and how you'd rather be sleeping these static hours away.
This is a very lovely song and the only thing I need to be listening to right now.
*nods her head with the beat*
i
tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon listening
and that
frankly will not fly
you will hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows
with the windows down
when this is guiding you home
Haven't started his last present yet. It needs to be good. Great, even. Stellar. To make up for myself.
*takes another sip of her Coke and sets the slippery glass down*
I hate you, Blogger, for changing your posting format so often. Pick a format and stick with it. Christ.
I'm wondering if some bands find themselves making their own original music and lyrics, and then step up to the nationally recognized level and find themselves unwittingly repeating what so many others have done, are lumped in with them and neatly shoved under any one of a number of rugs by people like me.
In short, I underestimated Postal Service.
I like one (two?) of their songs and that's enough to make me apologize for criticizing what they stood for before even thinking about what I was saying.
She's a good person after all?
I am so fucking horny.
they won't see us waving from such great heights
come down now
they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
come down now
but we'll stay
12.23.2003
god bless the daylight
the sugary smell of springtime
remembering when you were mine
in a still suburban town
when every thursday
i'd brave those mountain passes
and you'd skip your early classes
and we'd learn how our bodies worked
god damn the black night
with all of its foul temptations
i've become what I've always hated
when i was with you then
we looked like giants
in the back of my gray subcompact
fumbling to make contact
as the others slept inside
and together there in a shroud of frost
the mountain air began to pass through
every pane of weathered glass
and i held you closer than anyone would ever get
the sugary smell of springtime
remembering when you were mine
in a still suburban town
when every thursday
i'd brave those mountain passes
and you'd skip your early classes
and we'd learn how our bodies worked
god damn the black night
with all of its foul temptations
i've become what I've always hated
when i was with you then
we looked like giants
in the back of my gray subcompact
fumbling to make contact
as the others slept inside
and together there in a shroud of frost
the mountain air began to pass through
every pane of weathered glass
and i held you closer than anyone would ever get
12.20.2003
12.11.2003
The drives are long, but I don't remember them. Parts of my life gone over distance that we were supposed to have rejected.
Pull the knots out with my fingers.
can't change
God.
What way is this to live?
WHERE ARE ALL THE PEANUT BUDDIES?
William Butler was right. All we do is struggle our way into answers.
So tired.
sleep
Lynxtor: A lot of people find it fun... a humorous situation in which everyone can act like an idiot, treat other people like idiots, bitch, whine and moan... they don't want to leave because they enjoy it too much
Sawa: A hole to shit in. It's your god damn hole, even if it's full of your own feces.
there's a wall in my way
Unwrap. Put it in your mouth. C'mon, open wide. What do you say? That's a good girl. You're so gorgeous.
and stare into the dream
What's going on?
...What do you MEAN I only have one left?
but tonight i'm on my knees
"Psst. Hey, keys. Where are you?"
"Over here."
"Oh. ...No you're not."
"No, over here."
"...I still don't see you."
"Hee."
"There you are."
"Noooo!"
"Haha! I love you. Bye."
*shuts door*
*opens door*
"Goodnight Josiah."
*shuts door*
*opens door*
"That was the keys, you know."
*shuts door*
take you the only road i've ever been down
Pull the knots out with my fingers.
can't change
God.
What way is this to live?
WHERE ARE ALL THE PEANUT BUDDIES?
William Butler was right. All we do is struggle our way into answers.
So tired.
sleep
Lynxtor: A lot of people find it fun... a humorous situation in which everyone can act like an idiot, treat other people like idiots, bitch, whine and moan... they don't want to leave because they enjoy it too much
Sawa: A hole to shit in. It's your god damn hole, even if it's full of your own feces.
there's a wall in my way
Unwrap. Put it in your mouth. C'mon, open wide. What do you say? That's a good girl. You're so gorgeous.
and stare into the dream
What's going on?
...What do you MEAN I only have one left?
but tonight i'm on my knees
"Psst. Hey, keys. Where are you?"
"Over here."
"Oh. ...No you're not."
"No, over here."
"...I still don't see you."
"Hee."
"There you are."
"Noooo!"
"Haha! I love you. Bye."
*shuts door*
*opens door*
"Goodnight Josiah."
*shuts door*
*opens door*
"That was the keys, you know."
*shuts door*
take you the only road i've ever been down
12.09.2003
she’s running out again
she’s running out
she’s run run run running out
Shut the door without replying. All that has registered is that I've done wrong. My punishment doesn't come, leaving me feeling empty in a primal place where I have learned to expect it. Enjoy it.
whatever makes you happy
whatever you want
you're so fucking special
i wish i was special
Pick my lips apart. Spit red into the sink. Rub my eyes to get rid of the ugly fading eyeliner. Think I'll draw with that stick instead. I want new eyeliner and other things, a list a mile long ranging from trivial to tepid to trenchant. I want to draw. I want a new system of gonvernment. I want to beat in Wilson Diehl's face with a hammer.
what the hell am i doing here?
i don’t belong here
I'm settling. Always settling.
she’s running out
she’s run run run running out
Shut the door without replying. All that has registered is that I've done wrong. My punishment doesn't come, leaving me feeling empty in a primal place where I have learned to expect it. Enjoy it.
whatever makes you happy
whatever you want
you're so fucking special
i wish i was special
Pick my lips apart. Spit red into the sink. Rub my eyes to get rid of the ugly fading eyeliner. Think I'll draw with that stick instead. I want new eyeliner and other things, a list a mile long ranging from trivial to tepid to trenchant. I want to draw. I want a new system of gonvernment. I want to beat in Wilson Diehl's face with a hammer.
what the hell am i doing here?
i don’t belong here
I'm settling. Always settling.
12.08.2003
If anyone wants to get me any of these, regardless of the time I receive them, I wouldn't mind one bit...
What: Hats!
Where: http://www.genkigang.com/genkigang.html
Notes: Angry Kyo Hat, Bear Hat from Lain. One of each. Regular size.
What: Shirts, Books
Where: http://www.explodingdog.com/shirtorder/
Notes: New Job book, Wish For Something Better book. Life is Great shirt, Red Robot (on black) shirt, Waiting shirt. Small size for all shirts. One of each.
What: Poster, Shirt
Where: http://www.pennyarcadestore.com/php/catalog/product_16177_Punctuation_Tee.html
http://www.pennyarcadestore.com/php/catalog/product_16142_CTS_Poster.html
Notes: White shirt color, small size. One of each.
What: Poster, messenger bag
Where: http://www.cafeshops.com/sinfest.7104679
http://www.cafeshops.com/sinfest.7104514
Notes: One of each.
What: Shirts, plushie
Where: http://wench.little-gamers.com/store/store.php
Notes: Wench babydoll shirt, Cute Ninja shirt, Cute Ninja plushie. One of each.
What: Shirt
Where: http://www.cafeshops.com/weeblbadger,weeblbadger2.7477122
Notes: Black/white, size small.
Mailing Address:
Sawa
5502 Duncan Ave. SE
Auburn, WA 98092
What: Hats!
Where: http://www.genkigang.com/genkigang.html
Notes: Angry Kyo Hat, Bear Hat from Lain. One of each. Regular size.
What: Shirts, Books
Where: http://www.explodingdog.com/shirtorder/
Notes: New Job book, Wish For Something Better book. Life is Great shirt, Red Robot (on black) shirt, Waiting shirt. Small size for all shirts. One of each.
What: Poster, Shirt
Where: http://www.pennyarcadestore.com/php/catalog/product_16177_Punctuation_Tee.html
http://www.pennyarcadestore.com/php/catalog/product_16142_CTS_Poster.html
Notes: White shirt color, small size. One of each.
What: Poster, messenger bag
Where: http://www.cafeshops.com/sinfest.7104679
http://www.cafeshops.com/sinfest.7104514
Notes: One of each.
What: Shirts, plushie
Where: http://wench.little-gamers.com/store/store.php
Notes: Wench babydoll shirt, Cute Ninja shirt, Cute Ninja plushie. One of each.
What: Shirt
Where: http://www.cafeshops.com/weeblbadger,weeblbadger2.7477122
Notes: Black/white, size small.
Mailing Address:
Sawa
5502 Duncan Ave. SE
Auburn, WA 98092
12.03.2003
So, I've fled from FS.
I'm sure everyone's heard, or maybe not. I despise the fact that everyone is okay with Rob/JapCat. I hate them all for being so forgetful or forgiving. I refuse to tell the story again. It's already been documented and filed away and I'd rather forget.
Colorado trip was called off due to my age. Yes, because I have been designated a number that happens to be lower than others', I am not allowed certain freedoms that most of these higher-number people hold.
FUCK NUMBERS.
It all pissed me off so much but the rest of this post will do well to explain why I'm not so angry anymore.
The hair... Oh, I don't even care that he didn't get some of the roots, he did it and it looks great. We match and it is so good. :o Pictures maybe?
The apple cider's lid popped off and then fell over three times and I couldn't do anything other than laugh. Two guys (it's always men) were racing each other on the freeway and both of them got pulled over within half a mile of each other but not before they gave me a free pass to go a bit slower than them and cut my driving time in half.
Lael is great. She wouldn't let me touch her with my dye-stained hands. XD
I'm almost done getting and wrapping presents for you all.
Jordan
Alana
Josiah
Cornelius
Melissa
Mother
Expect them in the next four weeks. <3
I spent $150 today, some at Anime Kingdom but most at Hot Topic (lol @ my whole wardrobe). I got some... stuff. @_@ Too much to mention. And I called Alana up and bought her whatever she asked for, because she will never have enough anime shit. In related news, I got my debit card today.
Fell asleep next to him, all smelling of cotton candy, like our love put into some tangible form. Sickeningly warm and sweet. I love it and I miss it.
And some other stuff. Whatever, I'm tired. BYE. :D
I'm sure everyone's heard, or maybe not. I despise the fact that everyone is okay with Rob/JapCat. I hate them all for being so forgetful or forgiving. I refuse to tell the story again. It's already been documented and filed away and I'd rather forget.
Colorado trip was called off due to my age. Yes, because I have been designated a number that happens to be lower than others', I am not allowed certain freedoms that most of these higher-number people hold.
FUCK NUMBERS.
It all pissed me off so much but the rest of this post will do well to explain why I'm not so angry anymore.
The hair... Oh, I don't even care that he didn't get some of the roots, he did it and it looks great. We match and it is so good. :o Pictures maybe?
The apple cider's lid popped off and then fell over three times and I couldn't do anything other than laugh. Two guys (it's always men) were racing each other on the freeway and both of them got pulled over within half a mile of each other but not before they gave me a free pass to go a bit slower than them and cut my driving time in half.
Lael is great. She wouldn't let me touch her with my dye-stained hands. XD
I'm almost done getting and wrapping presents for you all.
Josiah
Expect them in the next four weeks. <3
I spent $150 today, some at Anime Kingdom but most at Hot Topic (lol @ my whole wardrobe). I got some... stuff. @_@ Too much to mention. And I called Alana up and bought her whatever she asked for, because she will never have enough anime shit. In related news, I got my debit card today.
Fell asleep next to him, all smelling of cotton candy, like our love put into some tangible form. Sickeningly warm and sweet. I love it and I miss it.
And some other stuff. Whatever, I'm tired. BYE. :D
12.02.2003
I think he's pretty much figured it out. And how it killed me to withhold all of that information, but if he didn't see it himself, he wouldn't have ever grasped it, let alone held onto it. There's no helping some people sometimes, especially when all they do is feed off you in the first place.
I let it all out to Chris, because he's the only one I trust with information like that. I could feel his anger over the phone when I explained the violence. We spoke through dead spots from Josiah calling on end for hours. He fought with me through it, and I appreciate his company more now because of it all. I'm taking his advice on the sleep.
And I can't speak anymore. I wasted the night fixing myself and now I waste the morning studying.
i am but one
small instrument
do you remember that?
so here i am
above palm trees
so straight and tall
you are smaller
getting smaller
but i still see you
Doomska: Huh. So things are working out pretty well after all?
Paradox Lain: Yep. :)
Doomska: Well, I guess I owe you a coke.
Paradox Lain: Indeed you do, my friend. Indeed you do.
Doomska: More the fool I.
I let it all out to Chris, because he's the only one I trust with information like that. I could feel his anger over the phone when I explained the violence. We spoke through dead spots from Josiah calling on end for hours. He fought with me through it, and I appreciate his company more now because of it all. I'm taking his advice on the sleep.
And I can't speak anymore. I wasted the night fixing myself and now I waste the morning studying.
i am but one
small instrument
do you remember that?
so here i am
above palm trees
so straight and tall
you are smaller
getting smaller
but i still see you
Doomska: Huh. So things are working out pretty well after all?
Paradox Lain: Yep. :)
Doomska: Well, I guess I owe you a coke.
Paradox Lain: Indeed you do, my friend. Indeed you do.
Doomska: More the fool I.
12.01.2003
11.29.2003
Cornelius: your boyfriend was looking for you earlier
Sawa: so i hear. at least i know that someone will care if i die
Cornelius: what's all this then
Sawa: net was down and he freaked out
Cornelius: haha. some people
Sawa: yeah
Cornelius: bad day or just busy
Sawa: both, hah
Cornelius: leave you to dangle then
Sawa: thanks. damn you, novel. damn you
Cornelius: now now, who's fault is it. the book or the author
Sawa: author~ :D
Cornelius: there, now stop talking to boys on the internet and buckle down like a bondage queen.
Sawa: *tips hat*
Cornelius: I worry my weekend is just going to be me smoking pot and listening to frank zappa for 3 days.
Sawa: i worry someday no one will understand me.
Cornelius: No one really understands anybody. So instead, don't worry about understandings or the misunderstandings.
Sawa: i've got nothing done in the way of writing, and you've given me a small boost, so excuse me while i run with it.
Cornelius: k
Sawa: well, actually, one small thing. what size shirt do you wear?
Cornelius: it ranges. right now I'm wearing a medium
Sawa: would a small be the right kind of encouragement?
Cornelius: I don't follow
Sawa: you said you were thinking about losing weight
Cornelius: I think that was spur the moment, like most of my life
Sawa: alright. medium it is.
Cornelius: Why shirt size? does that make an appearance in the story or are you building some sort of crude dummy of me?
Sawa: everyone needs a christmas present.
Cornelius: oh, double wrong for me
Sawa: you'll like it. promise.
Cornelius: I'd much rather go for eggnog and coffee in victoria for christmas/general timezone
Sawa: you know, me too. and i just wanted to make sure that you got this, considering it's perfect for you. i'll hand deliver it, how about that.
Cornelius: beautiful.
Sawa: and now i write. don't worry too much about the future.
Cornelius: I'm not worried about the future so much as I'm worried about my future. write.
---
Cornelius: I'm becoming a small medium between you and your boyfriend.
Sawa: i don't like that. i never wanted you to even speak with him.
Cornelius: sort of a myfriendyourfriend thing
Sawa: i knew how you don't like boyfriends. this has happened before, kind of. i tried to stop it. ._.
Cornelius: I don't care honestly, he's your boyfriend
Sawa: i know, but he treats everyone i know so poorly, especially when i show interest in them.
Cornelius: well I don't take it personally. did you watch that kid606 video I linked you to a bit back?
Sawa: i'm pretty sure i did. i watch every link you send. the music video, right?
Cornelius: yeah, with the cat and the laptop. that's been my achilles heel lately. just watching that constantly.
Sawa: i just write and work. and drink coffee.
Cornelius: I've been a bit of a tea junkie lately.
Sawa: the one thing i'm going to start drinking as i do every winter is hot cider. i just don't have any money on me and my family doesn't buy it.
Cornelius: dilemma city.
Sawa: i'll have my debit/checking/atm card early this next week. i hope. then i'll be able to.
Cornelius: heh
Sawa: cards? i don't even know what they do. goddd.. candy canes.... *devours one*
Cornelius: haha
Sawa: generic christmasy foods are some of the best.
Cornelius: watching girls eat candy canes is unwanted sexually suggestive gesture land.
Sawa: and here i am, forever sexually suggestive without noticing.
Cornelius: everyone is. I'm sure my getting up in the morning and grabbing my crotch is turning on some portugese lady thousands of miles away. unknowingly.
Sawa: or the fact that i sleep naked. must release some sort of strange pheremone into the air.
Cornelius: well rest assured that I'm not fawning over you in any way.
Sawa: i'm not worried anymore, really. in fact, am glad that you're one of the very few to say it and mean it.
Cornelius: I'd be. I don't take compliments very well at all.
Sawa: i've noticed somewhat. :)
Cornelius: yeah. whenever I hear someone compliment anything I do or myself in general. In my head it sounds forced and insincere, just something someone says because they feel they have to or some stupid shit. like when you compliment a fat guy on a diet to encourage him.
Sawa: i don't do anything unless i want to. i guess you'd only know that if we lived close together.
Cornelius: probably. then again, I think if we lived close together, one of us would have raped each other a long time ago.
Sawa: yeah, that too. lol. so tempting. :\ foolish bodies. even worse, foolish minds.
Cornelius: times like recently that I'm really glad I'm still pure in a sense.
Sawa: i've felt so tainted. i think it was when my novel brought up anal sex and i automatically jumped to the conclusion that since i haven't had it, i need to in order to write that part well.
Cornelius: gravity can take you to a point lower than imaginable. be thankful you are where you are.
Sawa: i'm trying. and deciding on holding off on the anal indefinitely because i'm still extremely shy about physical anything.
Cornelius: well save the sails for when you're ready to take that voyage.
Sawa: pack them away for another day, another time.
Cornelius: precisely. just whittle in the meantime, wait for something to surface
Sawa: i like this sort of waiting. the waiting for something unknown.
Cornelius: I've been waiting for 12 years.
Sawa: i'll always be waiting in a way. whatever it is, i'm ready.
Cornelius: best to brace up. shit, need to go collapse in bed. keep your nose clean, cowboy.
Sawa: so i hear. at least i know that someone will care if i die
Cornelius: what's all this then
Sawa: net was down and he freaked out
Cornelius: haha. some people
Sawa: yeah
Cornelius: bad day or just busy
Sawa: both, hah
Cornelius: leave you to dangle then
Sawa: thanks. damn you, novel. damn you
Cornelius: now now, who's fault is it. the book or the author
Sawa: author~ :D
Cornelius: there, now stop talking to boys on the internet and buckle down like a bondage queen.
Sawa: *tips hat*
Cornelius: I worry my weekend is just going to be me smoking pot and listening to frank zappa for 3 days.
Sawa: i worry someday no one will understand me.
Cornelius: No one really understands anybody. So instead, don't worry about understandings or the misunderstandings.
Sawa: i've got nothing done in the way of writing, and you've given me a small boost, so excuse me while i run with it.
Cornelius: k
Sawa: well, actually, one small thing. what size shirt do you wear?
Cornelius: it ranges. right now I'm wearing a medium
Sawa: would a small be the right kind of encouragement?
Cornelius: I don't follow
Sawa: you said you were thinking about losing weight
Cornelius: I think that was spur the moment, like most of my life
Sawa: alright. medium it is.
Cornelius: Why shirt size? does that make an appearance in the story or are you building some sort of crude dummy of me?
Sawa: everyone needs a christmas present.
Cornelius: oh, double wrong for me
Sawa: you'll like it. promise.
Cornelius: I'd much rather go for eggnog and coffee in victoria for christmas/general timezone
Sawa: you know, me too. and i just wanted to make sure that you got this, considering it's perfect for you. i'll hand deliver it, how about that.
Cornelius: beautiful.
Sawa: and now i write. don't worry too much about the future.
Cornelius: I'm not worried about the future so much as I'm worried about my future. write.
---
Cornelius: I'm becoming a small medium between you and your boyfriend.
Sawa: i don't like that. i never wanted you to even speak with him.
Cornelius: sort of a myfriendyourfriend thing
Sawa: i knew how you don't like boyfriends. this has happened before, kind of. i tried to stop it. ._.
Cornelius: I don't care honestly, he's your boyfriend
Sawa: i know, but he treats everyone i know so poorly, especially when i show interest in them.
Cornelius: well I don't take it personally. did you watch that kid606 video I linked you to a bit back?
Sawa: i'm pretty sure i did. i watch every link you send. the music video, right?
Cornelius: yeah, with the cat and the laptop. that's been my achilles heel lately. just watching that constantly.
Sawa: i just write and work. and drink coffee.
Cornelius: I've been a bit of a tea junkie lately.
Sawa: the one thing i'm going to start drinking as i do every winter is hot cider. i just don't have any money on me and my family doesn't buy it.
Cornelius: dilemma city.
Sawa: i'll have my debit/checking/atm card early this next week. i hope. then i'll be able to.
Cornelius: heh
Sawa: cards? i don't even know what they do. goddd.. candy canes.... *devours one*
Cornelius: haha
Sawa: generic christmasy foods are some of the best.
Cornelius: watching girls eat candy canes is unwanted sexually suggestive gesture land.
Sawa: and here i am, forever sexually suggestive without noticing.
Cornelius: everyone is. I'm sure my getting up in the morning and grabbing my crotch is turning on some portugese lady thousands of miles away. unknowingly.
Sawa: or the fact that i sleep naked. must release some sort of strange pheremone into the air.
Cornelius: well rest assured that I'm not fawning over you in any way.
Sawa: i'm not worried anymore, really. in fact, am glad that you're one of the very few to say it and mean it.
Cornelius: I'd be. I don't take compliments very well at all.
Sawa: i've noticed somewhat. :)
Cornelius: yeah. whenever I hear someone compliment anything I do or myself in general. In my head it sounds forced and insincere, just something someone says because they feel they have to or some stupid shit. like when you compliment a fat guy on a diet to encourage him.
Sawa: i don't do anything unless i want to. i guess you'd only know that if we lived close together.
Cornelius: probably. then again, I think if we lived close together, one of us would have raped each other a long time ago.
Sawa: yeah, that too. lol. so tempting. :\ foolish bodies. even worse, foolish minds.
Cornelius: times like recently that I'm really glad I'm still pure in a sense.
Sawa: i've felt so tainted. i think it was when my novel brought up anal sex and i automatically jumped to the conclusion that since i haven't had it, i need to in order to write that part well.
Cornelius: gravity can take you to a point lower than imaginable. be thankful you are where you are.
Sawa: i'm trying. and deciding on holding off on the anal indefinitely because i'm still extremely shy about physical anything.
Cornelius: well save the sails for when you're ready to take that voyage.
Sawa: pack them away for another day, another time.
Cornelius: precisely. just whittle in the meantime, wait for something to surface
Sawa: i like this sort of waiting. the waiting for something unknown.
Cornelius: I've been waiting for 12 years.
Sawa: i'll always be waiting in a way. whatever it is, i'm ready.
Cornelius: best to brace up. shit, need to go collapse in bed. keep your nose clean, cowboy.
even when you’re feeling warm
the temperature could drop away
like four seasons in one day
smiling as the shit comes down
you can tell a man from what he has to say
everything gets turned around
and i will risk my neck again, again
And here the situation still sits, not purged or even touched upon besides a lone fact.
Damn you, Chris.
So tired. No one let me sleep and I didn't even get to Stage 3. Fail.
"Dye my hair."
"Why didn't you call me?"
"Here's your mail."
"When are you working?"
Who cares? Sleep was so precious, so necessary, and here I am going without because everyone else would have it so.
Actually I'm just whining. I could be sleeping right now but I don't feel like it.
At least I can admit it. *rolls eyes at other persons*
My PIN changed. It's no longer fun in a sexually suggestive way.
I spent 500 dollars last month. I'm at a loss of words.
lover's in love and the other's run away
lover is crying cause the other won't stay
and some of us hover when we weep for the other
who was dying since the day they were born
the temperature could drop away
like four seasons in one day
smiling as the shit comes down
you can tell a man from what he has to say
everything gets turned around
and i will risk my neck again, again
And here the situation still sits, not purged or even touched upon besides a lone fact.
Damn you, Chris.
So tired. No one let me sleep and I didn't even get to Stage 3. Fail.
"Dye my hair."
"Why didn't you call me?"
"Here's your mail."
"When are you working?"
Who cares? Sleep was so precious, so necessary, and here I am going without because everyone else would have it so.
Actually I'm just whining. I could be sleeping right now but I don't feel like it.
At least I can admit it. *rolls eyes at other persons*
My PIN changed. It's no longer fun in a sexually suggestive way.
I spent 500 dollars last month. I'm at a loss of words.
lover's in love and the other's run away
lover is crying cause the other won't stay
and some of us hover when we weep for the other
who was dying since the day they were born
11.28.2003
11.27.2003
11.25.2003
2600 words last night, kids. She's back on track.
Good morning, by the way. Or afternoon. I slept through my Ancient Philosophy class, and don't look so great, but it's all good. I have nothing better to do than take a small break, talk to you nice people for a moment and then scurry off to drop things off and get things signed. And buy more things.
I bought stuff last night. I like my stuff. You only get pictures of two of them.
The perks of being a sell-out.
Good morning, by the way. Or afternoon. I slept through my Ancient Philosophy class, and don't look so great, but it's all good. I have nothing better to do than take a small break, talk to you nice people for a moment and then scurry off to drop things off and get things signed. And buy more things.
I bought stuff last night. I like my stuff. You only get pictures of two of them.
The perks of being a sell-out.
11.23.2003
11.22.2003
shut up
just shut up
shut up
Too much. Too much. Too much. My writing suffers. I wither. I wait for word on three pieces of writing, all my time sucked dry by things initiated with lost intentions. I wish I could kill myself, end everything. The waiting. It kills me.
I hurt him, and I need to die for it.
I can't do this.
I'm shutting myself up until this is done.
just shut up
shut up
Too much. Too much. Too much. My writing suffers. I wither. I wait for word on three pieces of writing, all my time sucked dry by things initiated with lost intentions. I wish I could kill myself, end everything. The waiting. It kills me.
I hurt him, and I need to die for it.
I can't do this.
I'm shutting myself up until this is done.
11.21.2003
wake from your sleep
the drying of your tears
today we escape
we escape
pack and get dressed
before your father hears us
before all hell
breaks loose
breathe
keep breathing
don’t lose your nerve
breathe
keep breathing
i can’t do this alone
sing us a song
a song to keep us warm
there’s such a chill
such a chill
There is a story lodged in my brain.
A bullet of an idea, with characters to tear a soul apart.
And it has nothing to do with my novel.
you can laugh
a spineless laugh
we hope that your rules
and wisdom choke you
now we are one
in everlasting peace
we hope that you choke
that you choke
we hope that you choke
that you choke
we hope that you choke
that you choke
Little rocks against her window, like they did when their unwitting parents were their age. Loud enough to wake her, but she'd been up all night, pacing and kneeling briefly next to her window. Dawn was creeping through the streets on hands and knees, searching them out with blue fingers and seeking to reveal them but they planned on beating the sun to safety.
He was waiting below on the sidewalk. One wheel of his car was on the curb, hastily parked, engine idling. She had been crying despite herself, afraid of the implications of their plan and whether it would go on unfettered or be killed before it got off the ground. Her bag was packed already - she grabbed it from the floor and stole down the staircase as fast as she dared. They met at the front door.
No words passed between them, just quiet smiles and a brief, warm touch as he helped her into his car. He pulled off the curb and back onto the street again, with as much care as he would hold a wounded bird. Neighbors at this hour were easily roused; light poured into the shadows of rooms and quickly turned gray. The need to be careful was greater than it had ever been.
Both sets of parents vehemently disapproved of them together. It was unthinkable that such a random pairing of two people could set such emotions off, but it happened, and the product was their decision the previous day to leave and never come back. They claimed their voices again and spoke to each other softly, always touching and smiling, pounding hearts loud in their chests and blood turned hot with adrenalin. Neither had ever known such a thrill.
She spoke of her pleasure at flinging their pasts far behind them and rolled her window down. He took a corner hard on purpose. They both laughed together. Houses that all looked the same as they rushed past. A melting butter sunrise. Hands intertwined. He looked over at her to catch a glimpse of her beautifully bright eyes. The fever pitch of the climax. An overlooked turn and the tree in front of them.
She didn't understand; it happened too fast and it hurt inside to look away from him. The rising sun's light had turned a garish red. It stung her eyes. She couldn't move the hand he held to wipe it from her face. Something warm dripped from her chin. He strained to look around. Shredded metal. A hail of broken glass that had fallen into his lap. Her hair matted together and wet. His head swam violently, making him struggle to keep his eyes open. An attempt to speak; he only coughed. Her breathing that had been so desperate at first now drifted away until he could no longer hear it. The tightness of tears gripped his throat. He closed his eyes and gave in to the pain tugging at his insides.
the drying of your tears
today we escape
we escape
pack and get dressed
before your father hears us
before all hell
breaks loose
breathe
keep breathing
don’t lose your nerve
breathe
keep breathing
i can’t do this alone
sing us a song
a song to keep us warm
there’s such a chill
such a chill
There is a story lodged in my brain.
A bullet of an idea, with characters to tear a soul apart.
And it has nothing to do with my novel.
you can laugh
a spineless laugh
we hope that your rules
and wisdom choke you
now we are one
in everlasting peace
we hope that you choke
that you choke
we hope that you choke
that you choke
we hope that you choke
that you choke
11.20.2003
Petrified that his family is going to say, "She's not good enough," after meeting me the weekend after Christmas(?).
The bad dreams haven't stopped for months now. There isn't even a break consisting of non-dreaming. It's all just one big string of nightmares that blur into each other. Tonight's (first) was being lost in the woods at night, in a strange negative of the real world. Stumbling around through thick snow, banging on windows and doors and screaming to be let in but no one's home and the ominous growl of dogs behind thin wire fences keeps me from staying long enough to break in. I can't feel anything. I don't know where I am. I find what looks like a house I should recognize and bang on a sliding glass door. I'm hysterical, shouting and crying. My stepfather and brother open it, give me disgusted looks. I can't feel it but I know it's warm inside and where I should be but they keep me out in the snow.
They don't phase me much anymore. Too many, I've gotten used to being terrorized and tortured at night. I wake up, fearing the next night of sleep but knowing it comes regardless. Body over mind for once, I fall and fall and where I land is always ugly and full of pain. I never sleep for long, always waking up in a panic, wide eyes up along the edges of the walls and then it's back down again. REM waves being so close to waking waves doesn't help; it only takes that extra little push of hallucination to frighten me into reality. I go back to sleep quicker if I'm with Josiah. He's safe. So safe.
He also doesn't mind me drooling all over him when I hit stages 3/4 and I have no control over anything. :D
Reminders for all: I work Friday from 4 to 8, Saturday from 6:30 to 3:30, Sunday from 10 to 6, Monday from 5 to 9. (I got first pick of times, which ended up being whatever Jeff wanted since I have nothing better to do just give me the god damn hours and my paycheck, thank you. This attitude caused him to call me his favorite so far. Hah.)
Sweet dreams, kids.
The bad dreams haven't stopped for months now. There isn't even a break consisting of non-dreaming. It's all just one big string of nightmares that blur into each other. Tonight's (first) was being lost in the woods at night, in a strange negative of the real world. Stumbling around through thick snow, banging on windows and doors and screaming to be let in but no one's home and the ominous growl of dogs behind thin wire fences keeps me from staying long enough to break in. I can't feel anything. I don't know where I am. I find what looks like a house I should recognize and bang on a sliding glass door. I'm hysterical, shouting and crying. My stepfather and brother open it, give me disgusted looks. I can't feel it but I know it's warm inside and where I should be but they keep me out in the snow.
They don't phase me much anymore. Too many, I've gotten used to being terrorized and tortured at night. I wake up, fearing the next night of sleep but knowing it comes regardless. Body over mind for once, I fall and fall and where I land is always ugly and full of pain. I never sleep for long, always waking up in a panic, wide eyes up along the edges of the walls and then it's back down again. REM waves being so close to waking waves doesn't help; it only takes that extra little push of hallucination to frighten me into reality. I go back to sleep quicker if I'm with Josiah. He's safe. So safe.
He also doesn't mind me drooling all over him when I hit stages 3/4 and I have no control over anything. :D
Reminders for all: I work Friday from 4 to 8, Saturday from 6:30 to 3:30, Sunday from 10 to 6, Monday from 5 to 9. (I got first pick of times, which ended up being whatever Jeff wanted since I have nothing better to do just give me the god damn hours and my paycheck, thank you. This attitude caused him to call me his favorite so far. Hah.)
Sweet dreams, kids.
11.19.2003
Xanie: oh fuck
Jordan: oh dear
Missa: O_O *lights some candles* *burns some incense* *rubs teh Buddah's tummah*
So I told my mother about Josiah.
Not everything, exactly. I DID tell her that I'd been lying nearly all the time. And that he lives in Seattle, and that he has no car. She wants him to come over for Thanksgiving, which will be some sort of "everyone gets to meet the man who's nailing my daughter" event.
Too much stress. Especially on him. Erk. D:
Jordan: oh dear
Missa: O_O *lights some candles* *burns some incense* *rubs teh Buddah's tummah*
So I told my mother about Josiah.
Not everything, exactly. I DID tell her that I'd been lying nearly all the time. And that he lives in Seattle, and that he has no car. She wants him to come over for Thanksgiving, which will be some sort of "everyone gets to meet the man who's nailing my daughter" event.
Too much stress. Especially on him. Erk. D:
11.18.2003
just hold your tongue
don't be so quick to curse them
there's a hidden beauty finding
it's way out of everyone
will you come true for me?
come by sometime when i'm awake?
everyone else just lies to me
they say you're a dream
will you step into the light from the screen
so that i can make out your shape?
you don't need to tell me anything
because i know what you mean
don't be so quick to curse them
there's a hidden beauty finding
it's way out of everyone
will you come true for me?
come by sometime when i'm awake?
everyone else just lies to me
they say you're a dream
will you step into the light from the screen
so that i can make out your shape?
you don't need to tell me anything
because i know what you mean
If you don't understand what's going on, don't bother asking.
I brought up the incompatibility of Josiah and I to hint at me being inevitably unable to reach orgasm during sex or what have you because of the simple nature of what we were doing and what he likes doing. Of course, all this was completely turned around by what happened earlier this night. Not only did he put my fears to rest, but he went and spent money to make me happy. While I don't condone it ever, it was his surprise for me and I appreciate it.
Everything went amazingly well, though I find my pain tolerance lacking ever since my brother left to live with our father. Something to work on.
There was a section of The Butterfly Revolution that mentioned the main character experimenting with pain in order to better understand it. He found that if he pricked himself with a safety pin and focused on the pain and not the action, it didn't feel so bad. He went on to burning himself with matches, and found that when he focused on that pain as well, it was the same as the small pain of the pin prick. When his father beat him soon after this was mentioned, he focused on the pain, found it to be not much at all, and openly defied his father.
Josiah mentioned something about experimenting with heat and having developed some sort of resistance. Well, my resistance lies in cold. I prefer it, I enjoy it. Heat is an ugly thing to me. It destroys, it transforms. Cold preserves. I delight in it. Josiah took a candle and poured hot wax over me, and rightly so. I'm overjoyed that he put everything together and even went so far as to do something that I had wanted to do in the first place: Work on my heat resistance now that my cold resistance was up to a satisfactory level. I remembered it being painful after the first few times before this night, but the added anticipation made it worse, and focus as I did, the burn in places that had already been burned hurt worse than I could withhold vocally. This was fine. Now that I know what it's like I can work past it.
I always love the biting. Jesus Christ, do I love the biting. I want to bleed for him, in multiple places even, but my pain resistances are once again a bit low.
Totally wasn't expecting any of this. The bonds were perfect. The technique was perfect, his luring me to the bed and then revealing them one at a time. The vibrator I REALLY hadn't expected, but got over the strange feeling of cold inside me very quickly. The only thing that I found myself :\ing at was when he untied me at the end and let me get myself off. This is all well and good, but weren't we supposed to work on you getting me off? It wasn't so hard with the vibrator. This was like so many other times, and I dislike being untied until the very end. Then again, I'm sure he didn't want to ruin the evening in any way, so I can understand why he did what he did.
To be honest, I was expecting lube, being tied down and then the novel research we'd talked about. When he tied me down to the bed, I figured he was going to fuck me and get himself off that way (which, in going along with the I'm here so he can use me to please him bit, I would've liked just as much; the focus in those sorts of situations isn't normally to please just one person), but I'd forgotten what we'd talked about with the condoms and all. Since this night completely came out of left field, I enjoyed it that much more.
And omg the hair... The haaaaair... @_@ *raperaperape*
I vote Josiah best boyfriend evar.
(30k words, bitches.)
*passes out*
I brought up the incompatibility of Josiah and I to hint at me being inevitably unable to reach orgasm during sex or what have you because of the simple nature of what we were doing and what he likes doing. Of course, all this was completely turned around by what happened earlier this night. Not only did he put my fears to rest, but he went and spent money to make me happy. While I don't condone it ever, it was his surprise for me and I appreciate it.
Everything went amazingly well, though I find my pain tolerance lacking ever since my brother left to live with our father. Something to work on.
There was a section of The Butterfly Revolution that mentioned the main character experimenting with pain in order to better understand it. He found that if he pricked himself with a safety pin and focused on the pain and not the action, it didn't feel so bad. He went on to burning himself with matches, and found that when he focused on that pain as well, it was the same as the small pain of the pin prick. When his father beat him soon after this was mentioned, he focused on the pain, found it to be not much at all, and openly defied his father.
Josiah mentioned something about experimenting with heat and having developed some sort of resistance. Well, my resistance lies in cold. I prefer it, I enjoy it. Heat is an ugly thing to me. It destroys, it transforms. Cold preserves. I delight in it. Josiah took a candle and poured hot wax over me, and rightly so. I'm overjoyed that he put everything together and even went so far as to do something that I had wanted to do in the first place: Work on my heat resistance now that my cold resistance was up to a satisfactory level. I remembered it being painful after the first few times before this night, but the added anticipation made it worse, and focus as I did, the burn in places that had already been burned hurt worse than I could withhold vocally. This was fine. Now that I know what it's like I can work past it.
I always love the biting. Jesus Christ, do I love the biting. I want to bleed for him, in multiple places even, but my pain resistances are once again a bit low.
Totally wasn't expecting any of this. The bonds were perfect. The technique was perfect, his luring me to the bed and then revealing them one at a time. The vibrator I REALLY hadn't expected, but got over the strange feeling of cold inside me very quickly. The only thing that I found myself :\ing at was when he untied me at the end and let me get myself off. This is all well and good, but weren't we supposed to work on you getting me off? It wasn't so hard with the vibrator. This was like so many other times, and I dislike being untied until the very end. Then again, I'm sure he didn't want to ruin the evening in any way, so I can understand why he did what he did.
To be honest, I was expecting lube, being tied down and then the novel research we'd talked about. When he tied me down to the bed, I figured he was going to fuck me and get himself off that way (which, in going along with the I'm here so he can use me to please him bit, I would've liked just as much; the focus in those sorts of situations isn't normally to please just one person), but I'd forgotten what we'd talked about with the condoms and all. Since this night completely came out of left field, I enjoyed it that much more.
And omg the hair... The haaaaair... @_@ *raperaperape*
I vote Josiah best boyfriend evar.
(30k words, bitches.)
*passes out*
11.17.2003
"there's this girl in my PE class that i find attractive; her name is rill or something to that effect, and she has black hair she always wears in pigtails, black eyeliner around her pretty eyes, & shiny silver peircings all over: tongue, nose, & industrial, stretching in her ears. she's such a girl and it's kind of cute. she jumps away from the volleyball and complains a lot. i just want to run my fingers through her dark hair and tell her she's fucking hot. she reminds me of sawa in a way & i don't know what that means, or if that explains the attraction."
Those were the days.
"hrmm. funny that the life of the boy royally fucks me up (how the hell?), but the kittengirl is easy to understand. friendly, almost
(you were always my weakness, no?)"
Of course, Missy.
no change
i can change
i can change
i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
and i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold
I lied a bit, actually. If I may correct myself: You're not completely like Jade. Jade is a failure through her own ignorance and will continue to be one, perhaps for life.
At least you have some potential. At least you sit down and think about what the hell you're doing and make corrections instead of covering up mistakes with more of them.
(Jade, dearest, how does France find you?)
Those were the days.
"hrmm. funny that the life of the boy royally fucks me up (how the hell?), but the kittengirl is easy to understand. friendly, almost
(you were always my weakness, no?)"
Of course, Missy.
no change
i can change
i can change
i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
and i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold
I lied a bit, actually. If I may correct myself: You're not completely like Jade. Jade is a failure through her own ignorance and will continue to be one, perhaps for life.
At least you have some potential. At least you sit down and think about what the hell you're doing and make corrections instead of covering up mistakes with more of them.
(Jade, dearest, how does France find you?)
11.10.2003
"You must answer my questions for the precious!" hissed Denthar. "What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees, up up it goes, and yet never grows?"
"I'll handle this," said Spock stepping forward. "Mountains. The answer is mountains."
"Yes, curses!" hissed Denthar. "But you must answer another one! Thirty white horses on a red hill..."
But Denthar was interrupted by the impatient Spock.
"Teeth, wind, sun on daisies," he said, counting off each answer on his fingers, "darkness, eggs, fish, time, and the One Ring of Power."
There was silence. Everyone looked at Spock.
"You idiot," said Generic. "You've just shat on our word count."
"I'll handle this," said Spock stepping forward. "Mountains. The answer is mountains."
"Yes, curses!" hissed Denthar. "But you must answer another one! Thirty white horses on a red hill..."
But Denthar was interrupted by the impatient Spock.
"Teeth, wind, sun on daisies," he said, counting off each answer on his fingers, "darkness, eggs, fish, time, and the One Ring of Power."
There was silence. Everyone looked at Spock.
"You idiot," said Generic. "You've just shat on our word count."
11.06.2003
Do the future a favor.
Kill your families and sterlize yourselves.
http://www.petitiononline.com/mrphelps/petition.html
Kill your families and sterlize yourselves.
http://www.petitiononline.com/mrphelps/petition.html
11.04.2003
11.03.2003
10.30.2003
10.28.2003
oh, you think you've got it
but got it just don't get it
till there's nothing at all
we've been together
oh, we've been together
but seperate's always better
when there's feelings invol
Fuck that. Fuck everything.
I declare today International Sawa Listens To Good Music And Ignores All Obligation And Responsibility Day.
Thank you for last night and the recommendations. You know who you are. <3
*moshes to Shield For Your Eyes*
10.27.2003
see me at my desk
rested and well dressed
always there on time
funny how the clock
that i used to watch
now never seems to mind
tried hard to collect
interest and respect
by cutting out some things
i thought didn't matter
turned all of my whines
into "doing fine"s
it saves me so much time
i'm stuck in a square
becoming one too
three stories above
i hear there's a view
long way to the ground
but i'll probably stick around
Sawa: http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/new_york_new_york/everyday_matters/01.html
Cornelius: wild.
Sawa: i like it.
Cornelius: it's good.
Sawa: it is. makes me want to draw. *stretches and smiles a little*
Cornelius: it makes me not want to help soap get into a relationship with esther.
Sawa: i don't think i want to dip my fingers into anyone's lives ever again. i like watching people do things on their own.
Cornelius: life's better off that way.
Sawa: *nods* do you like eggnog?
Cornelius: Yes.
Sawa: oh, me too. i wrote it on the grocery list and my mother bought some. i have a glass of it right now.
Cornelius: wonderful.
Sawa: i like feeling around in it with my tongue for the cinnamon.
Cornelius: I hardly drink it.
Sawa: do you think we should go get some and drink it when we meet?
Cornelius: sure. we'll park your car someplace overlooking the city and have a semi-intellecutally deep conversation that eventually goes nowhere and results in awkward silence. at which point I panic attack and go silent.
Sawa: and then i'll hand you a cup of it, and it will be okay, just the lights and the sipping.
Cornelius: comfort silence.
Sawa: the kind of silence you'd want to lay in forever.
now i've got a view
miles to the ocean
but i can't see you
and maintain devotion
i wish i could say
"i'll be there"
slowly the stories
start to unbind
and tell me the years spent
never were mine
i'm always to owe
a debt to my heart
unless i can find a way to
restart and take control
slowly the edge
gets closer to you
you've got the most space
with the greatest of views
you've paid off the debt
you owe to your heart
you've paid off the debt
now go and restart
rested and well dressed
always there on time
funny how the clock
that i used to watch
now never seems to mind
tried hard to collect
interest and respect
by cutting out some things
i thought didn't matter
turned all of my whines
into "doing fine"s
it saves me so much time
i'm stuck in a square
becoming one too
three stories above
i hear there's a view
long way to the ground
but i'll probably stick around
Sawa: http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/new_york_new_york/everyday_matters/01.html
Cornelius: wild.
Sawa: i like it.
Cornelius: it's good.
Sawa: it is. makes me want to draw. *stretches and smiles a little*
Cornelius: it makes me not want to help soap get into a relationship with esther.
Sawa: i don't think i want to dip my fingers into anyone's lives ever again. i like watching people do things on their own.
Cornelius: life's better off that way.
Sawa: *nods* do you like eggnog?
Cornelius: Yes.
Sawa: oh, me too. i wrote it on the grocery list and my mother bought some. i have a glass of it right now.
Cornelius: wonderful.
Sawa: i like feeling around in it with my tongue for the cinnamon.
Cornelius: I hardly drink it.
Sawa: do you think we should go get some and drink it when we meet?
Cornelius: sure. we'll park your car someplace overlooking the city and have a semi-intellecutally deep conversation that eventually goes nowhere and results in awkward silence. at which point I panic attack and go silent.
Sawa: and then i'll hand you a cup of it, and it will be okay, just the lights and the sipping.
Cornelius: comfort silence.
Sawa: the kind of silence you'd want to lay in forever.
now i've got a view
miles to the ocean
but i can't see you
and maintain devotion
i wish i could say
"i'll be there"
slowly the stories
start to unbind
and tell me the years spent
never were mine
i'm always to owe
a debt to my heart
unless i can find a way to
restart and take control
slowly the edge
gets closer to you
you've got the most space
with the greatest of views
you've paid off the debt
you owe to your heart
you've paid off the debt
now go and restart
How do you "know" someone? I'm not talking biblically. When you say you know someone, what do you mean by that? If you mean different things at different times, then can you really know how many different things "knowing" someone means without experiencing each thing there is to experience in the universe? Can you know characters in books better than you know the people around you? I think you can.
She shoved sticks and forks inside herself, tore her fingernails through her delicate labia and turned the flesh bloodred. When it festered, she was overjoyed. She delighted in rubbing against the corners of furniture, smacking the skin raw with her little hands. She passed her sickness onto her little sister. Their obsessive-compulsive onanism led to genital cauterization and involuntary stays at a mental hospital. And Josiah wondered why I was cringing.
She shoved sticks and forks inside herself, tore her fingernails through her delicate labia and turned the flesh bloodred. When it festered, she was overjoyed. She delighted in rubbing against the corners of furniture, smacking the skin raw with her little hands. She passed her sickness onto her little sister. Their obsessive-compulsive onanism led to genital cauterization and involuntary stays at a mental hospital. And Josiah wondered why I was cringing.
10.25.2003
We find reasons to live in lovers.
The obligation-heavy cat sits forgotten on the white keys. A pair of disregarded wings and a sock with no match keeps it company.
We find meaning in restraint.
I dig my bitten nails into a cut on my back, and lose a contact in my eye.
I wish I lived closer to Seattle. Then I could work at Left Hand Books. And I could add to the walls. And I could read all day.
I am going to ask the nice people there if I can come up every Wednesday in November and write on the third floor. Hide in that little space in the back, with the window looking down at the intersection of Pike and 1st. And if I died there in that warm bookstore around the best literature my species has to offer, I think that would be just fine.
it all will fall
fall right into place
The obligation-heavy cat sits forgotten on the white keys. A pair of disregarded wings and a sock with no match keeps it company.
We find meaning in restraint.
I dig my bitten nails into a cut on my back, and lose a contact in my eye.
I wish I lived closer to Seattle. Then I could work at Left Hand Books. And I could add to the walls. And I could read all day.
I am going to ask the nice people there if I can come up every Wednesday in November and write on the third floor. Hide in that little space in the back, with the window looking down at the intersection of Pike and 1st. And if I died there in that warm bookstore around the best literature my species has to offer, I think that would be just fine.
it all will fall
fall right into place
10.22.2003
"A couple, woman and man, stretched out on a long, sandy beach. Their eyes hooded with the lingering graces of night, but regarding nonetheless the furious power of the sun rising on the horizon. The sky was ablaze with reds and golds, greens and oranges, beautiful, and power. Their hands clasped in the morning twilight, and smiles wreathed their faces, it was a moment tinged with perfection there in the morning light, with all the worries and cares of the workaday world far away, somewhere unimportant and alone.
The water washed up the beach and lapped at their bare feet, and they didn't move, delighted and surprised to find that it was already warmed by sol's radiance. He closed his eyes and let out a slow sigh, and she crept closer to him, and the sun rose higher in the sky."
I love you Chris. ;_; Comevisit me marry me.
The water washed up the beach and lapped at their bare feet, and they didn't move, delighted and surprised to find that it was already warmed by sol's radiance. He closed his eyes and let out a slow sigh, and she crept closer to him, and the sun rose higher in the sky."
I love you Chris. ;_; Come
"So here I sit in Creative Writing, done my final assignment three days early. And I get this genius idea to give you some of my shit! Tell me what you think. Truthfully. No 'being nice'... which is why I send it to you. ^_^ You won't BS me. Much love. ~~Ryan~~"
Glad to see I'm still known for the one thing I pride myself on. <3
Glad to see I'm still known for the one thing I pride myself on. <3
10.21.2003
His actions contradict his words. Again. He asks me to give him what I show "everyone else". Tells me that I just need to give him a chance. To let him show me that he isn't what I think he is. So I do. He then glances over them, judges them on the very first impression, and responds based off his judgement, which is always to some varying degree wrong. Sometimes he misses the point entirely and I have no idea where he conceived his thinking. It's like looking out a car window quickly and trying to discern in detail your surroundings by a snapshot glance, nevermind that you've almost completely forgotten what you saw in the first place, and that there's so much that you can't see, past the edges of the glass.
He tells me that what we do is not arguing, and then he himself calls it such.
I pause in an offline conversation to think of the right word, or retrace the steps I laid out for myself, and he throws out a riposte before I finish. He cuts me off in the middle of explanations and then chastizes me for cutting him off.
I bet that he makes mistakes that he realizes after, and in trying to avoid them coming out into the open moves on and floods what's previously been said with more words, moving away from any chance of me or anyone else realizing what had been wrongly said in the hopes that all will work out regardless.
His speed of speech doesn't match his speed and depth of thought. That's a factor, surely, but it takes effort to tell me something over and over and then do the exact opposite, and THEN continue on as if this is just another one of our spats.
Him doing this yet again, as he has so many times before, and after telling me that he's not the same person, transcends all forms of apology as it is right now.
If you want to lie to yourself, fine. But don't lie to me.
on the waydown they saw a lot they don't remember
and if you asked them how they couldn't say how they got there
and if you want them now you could just pull on the lever
and say, "i'm hung up on gravity"
you move your mouth and you start to talk
you close your eyes and then lose the thought
what's mine is mine and what's yours you've probably got
and we fall
He tells me that what we do is not arguing, and then he himself calls it such.
I pause in an offline conversation to think of the right word, or retrace the steps I laid out for myself, and he throws out a riposte before I finish. He cuts me off in the middle of explanations and then chastizes me for cutting him off.
I bet that he makes mistakes that he realizes after, and in trying to avoid them coming out into the open moves on and floods what's previously been said with more words, moving away from any chance of me or anyone else realizing what had been wrongly said in the hopes that all will work out regardless.
His speed of speech doesn't match his speed and depth of thought. That's a factor, surely, but it takes effort to tell me something over and over and then do the exact opposite, and THEN continue on as if this is just another one of our spats.
Him doing this yet again, as he has so many times before, and after telling me that he's not the same person, transcends all forms of apology as it is right now.
If you want to lie to yourself, fine. But don't lie to me.
on the waydown they saw a lot they don't remember
and if you asked them how they couldn't say how they got there
and if you want them now you could just pull on the lever
and say, "i'm hung up on gravity"
you move your mouth and you start to talk
you close your eyes and then lose the thought
what's mine is mine and what's yours you've probably got
and we fall
I was singing to myself (rather loudly) along with something by Ayumi Hamasaki, and my oldest younger sister poked her head into the room while I wasn't looking. She burst into laughter; I turned the speakers down and asked her what she was laughing about. She looked at me and said, in the snarkiest voice I've ever heard come out of her, "Nice singing."
I had no idea I was so out of tune, partially because I have a large tendency to play my music loud (thanks, mother). I turned it down, sang a few lines. She was right. It was awful.
My mother comments to me sometimes that she always thought my blood-related brother would end up in a band, perhaps as the frontman, citing he had a pleasant singing voice and never missed a key. This threw jealousy onto the fire of embarrassment at failure.
I spent two years on my own patiently sitting in front of the computer while I would turn the music down low and play soft songs with simple melodies. I tested out my voice in this manner; found that my years of listening to copious amounts of Japanese music led to a higher, more childish pitch than most.
I played the fast music loud and pressed my hand up against my throat song after song, singing as strong as I could without breaking my voice, feeling the buzz with my fingertips and pushing myself into hoarseness night after night. I began to start with the soft songs and lead into most of Gackt's songs, requiring as strong of a voice as I could supply. I would get frustrated when my voice began to crack after a dozen repetitions of Dears, urging myself on, trying to find someplace that I could settle.
The months of pain paid off. I found myself hitting pitch perfectly song after song, but wasn't satisfied just yet. I put on Sarah McLachlan's Surfacing and played Witness over and over, five seconds in turning the volume off and continuing on my own. I immediately dove back into my sloppy hit and misses, but after listening through a few times, was able to get through the entire thing well enough to satisfy and still remain on beat. After conquering that CD, I randomly selected songs and turned the volume off during them, singing them to myself until pleased with the result.
I sing better in foreign languages than English, perhaps because most of what I'm singing I don't even understand. But this is surely true with Japanese. In my eyes, at least.
My voice is nothing special. I won't win anything with it. I won't accomplish a Siren status. It inspires nothing. But I made it myself, and I use it every single day.
I had no idea I was so out of tune, partially because I have a large tendency to play my music loud (thanks, mother). I turned it down, sang a few lines. She was right. It was awful.
My mother comments to me sometimes that she always thought my blood-related brother would end up in a band, perhaps as the frontman, citing he had a pleasant singing voice and never missed a key. This threw jealousy onto the fire of embarrassment at failure.
I spent two years on my own patiently sitting in front of the computer while I would turn the music down low and play soft songs with simple melodies. I tested out my voice in this manner; found that my years of listening to copious amounts of Japanese music led to a higher, more childish pitch than most.
I played the fast music loud and pressed my hand up against my throat song after song, singing as strong as I could without breaking my voice, feeling the buzz with my fingertips and pushing myself into hoarseness night after night. I began to start with the soft songs and lead into most of Gackt's songs, requiring as strong of a voice as I could supply. I would get frustrated when my voice began to crack after a dozen repetitions of Dears, urging myself on, trying to find someplace that I could settle.
The months of pain paid off. I found myself hitting pitch perfectly song after song, but wasn't satisfied just yet. I put on Sarah McLachlan's Surfacing and played Witness over and over, five seconds in turning the volume off and continuing on my own. I immediately dove back into my sloppy hit and misses, but after listening through a few times, was able to get through the entire thing well enough to satisfy and still remain on beat. After conquering that CD, I randomly selected songs and turned the volume off during them, singing them to myself until pleased with the result.
I sing better in foreign languages than English, perhaps because most of what I'm singing I don't even understand. But this is surely true with Japanese. In my eyes, at least.
My voice is nothing special. I won't win anything with it. I won't accomplish a Siren status. It inspires nothing. But I made it myself, and I use it every single day.
me: is consistency in a relationship good or bad?
lynx: :O
dave: i vote joke option
lynx: consistency?
will: whats consistency
me: i mean, i always say the same sarcastic thing before i block my boyfriend and don't take his calls. should i perhaps say something more biting? or not shut him out? or maybe do a little dance to confuse him.
dave: chasey him
me: that's a good idea, dave, but he already knows about it.
dave: tried saint.jpg?
me: the argument STARTED over FS, so that'd just piss him off. whether that's good or bad has yet to be seen.
will: what was the arument?
nomad: *mutes hateful sphyx metal crap* >:
me: i showed him the groon thread
will: ...and?
nomad: hooraayy
dave: and?
me: he told me that you're all not worth my time and that he hates the fourms.
dave: hahaha, so true.
nomad: oh man.
will: he's got a point.
nomad: BEST. he's just jealous
me: and then he asked me why i even bother going there when i can talk to people i like on AIM. and it went from there. i can't believe i defended you people.
nomad: i can.
dave: there's no need to defend. if you don't like it you can leave. he should know that.
nomad: yeah. it sorta stands on its own.
lynx: YOUR HUSBAND IS ONE OF THEM.
dave: what does he think you're on the forums for? us? some people are beyond retarded. and if you can't appreciate groon, well.
me: he doesn't "get it".
dave: i don't need to say anymore.
lynx: you should leave if it's starting to destroy your relationship.
nomad: nah. you don't need to leave. just lay his fears to rest.
lynx: :O
dave: i vote joke option
lynx: consistency?
will: whats consistency
me: i mean, i always say the same sarcastic thing before i block my boyfriend and don't take his calls. should i perhaps say something more biting? or not shut him out? or maybe do a little dance to confuse him.
dave: chasey him
me: that's a good idea, dave, but he already knows about it.
dave: tried saint.jpg?
me: the argument STARTED over FS, so that'd just piss him off. whether that's good or bad has yet to be seen.
will: what was the arument?
nomad: *mutes hateful sphyx metal crap* >:
me: i showed him the groon thread
will: ...and?
nomad: hooraayy
dave: and?
me: he told me that you're all not worth my time and that he hates the fourms.
dave: hahaha, so true.
nomad: oh man.
will: he's got a point.
nomad: BEST. he's just jealous
me: and then he asked me why i even bother going there when i can talk to people i like on AIM. and it went from there. i can't believe i defended you people.
nomad: i can.
dave: there's no need to defend. if you don't like it you can leave. he should know that.
nomad: yeah. it sorta stands on its own.
lynx: YOUR HUSBAND IS ONE OF THEM.
dave: what does he think you're on the forums for? us? some people are beyond retarded. and if you can't appreciate groon, well.
me: he doesn't "get it".
dave: i don't need to say anymore.
lynx: you should leave if it's starting to destroy your relationship.
nomad: nah. you don't need to leave. just lay his fears to rest.
10.20.2003
(Ah, the pleasure of revisiting.)
Obsession: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.
Though often the dictionary cannot even come close in actually defining such an abstract concept, in this instance it does an exceptionally good job. The key words are 'disturbing' and 'unreasonable.' It would make sense for them to be 'preoccupied' with each other. Love can cause preoccupation, as can hate, and both emotions are everpresent, woven throughout their relationship. Where do you draw the line between preoccupation and obsession?
Preoccupation, perhaps, is where the other person inhabits your thoughts at all hours of the day, disrupting work and coherent thought. Maybe obsession begins at night?
Obsession is when you cannot sleep for thinking of the other person, when they invade your dreams and keep you awake. It is when having them with you is all you can think about, day and night, when they keep your thoughts company constantly.
The definition implies that obsession only occurs if the feelings would not otherwise be present. This is not true with them; though their love is twisted, it does exist. Does the obsession then make sense? Does it become less of an obession?
When she dreams, there is always someone with her, a constant hovering shadow of pain and love and hatred. Sometimes that someone is pressed up against her, the space between them nonexistent and on fire. Sometimes he is simply standing underneath a tree with a cold smile. Sometimes he lies bleeding at her feet.
But he is always there.
Likewise when he dreams, he is never alone. He also has a shadow. His is of regret and love and sorrow. Sometimes that person is pinned between him and a mattress, sometimes she sits crying, sometimes she stands in shock, staring down at his own bleeding body.
But she is always there.
Obsession means that you are never truly alone. And when you are separated from your obsession, it will slowly tear you apart.
Obsession: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.
Though often the dictionary cannot even come close in actually defining such an abstract concept, in this instance it does an exceptionally good job. The key words are 'disturbing' and 'unreasonable.' It would make sense for them to be 'preoccupied' with each other. Love can cause preoccupation, as can hate, and both emotions are everpresent, woven throughout their relationship. Where do you draw the line between preoccupation and obsession?
Preoccupation, perhaps, is where the other person inhabits your thoughts at all hours of the day, disrupting work and coherent thought. Maybe obsession begins at night?
Obsession is when you cannot sleep for thinking of the other person, when they invade your dreams and keep you awake. It is when having them with you is all you can think about, day and night, when they keep your thoughts company constantly.
The definition implies that obsession only occurs if the feelings would not otherwise be present. This is not true with them; though their love is twisted, it does exist. Does the obsession then make sense? Does it become less of an obession?
When she dreams, there is always someone with her, a constant hovering shadow of pain and love and hatred. Sometimes that someone is pressed up against her, the space between them nonexistent and on fire. Sometimes he is simply standing underneath a tree with a cold smile. Sometimes he lies bleeding at her feet.
But he is always there.
Likewise when he dreams, he is never alone. He also has a shadow. His is of regret and love and sorrow. Sometimes that person is pinned between him and a mattress, sometimes she sits crying, sometimes she stands in shock, staring down at his own bleeding body.
But she is always there.
Obsession means that you are never truly alone. And when you are separated from your obsession, it will slowly tear you apart.
Best Offbeat Answers from Seattle Weekly's Best of Seattle survey.
Note to self: Tell mother that Neighbor's is indeed still open, just relocated.
Note to self: Tell mother that Neighbor's is indeed still open, just relocated.
10.18.2003
Cornelius: some androgynous girl flipped out of me for drinking her bottle of tap water that she brought from home and peeling off the label.
Sawa: weird
Cornelius: she had some note like "OMGZ Cory is the insensitive incosiderate bastardo" etc. so I erased the message and wrote "lol dood chillz. I'll get you another fucking water." people get pissy over the smallest shit. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ADRIENNE, YOU'RE BREATHING ALL MY OXYGEN AND TAKING UP ALL MY SPACE. INSENSITIVE CUNT. I HATE YOU NOW.
Sawa: *peels your fucking label*
Cornelius: Oh that's it. it's over.
Sawa: h8.
Cornelius: so fucking over. I'm going to blow this 10$ I saved on acid. then I'm gonna do acid. WITHOUT YOU.
Sawa: :O
Sawa: weird
Cornelius: she had some note like "OMGZ Cory is the insensitive incosiderate bastardo" etc. so I erased the message and wrote "lol dood chillz. I'll get you another fucking water." people get pissy over the smallest shit. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ADRIENNE, YOU'RE BREATHING ALL MY OXYGEN AND TAKING UP ALL MY SPACE. INSENSITIVE CUNT. I HATE YOU NOW.
Sawa: *peels your fucking label*
Cornelius: Oh that's it. it's over.
Sawa: h8.
Cornelius: so fucking over. I'm going to blow this 10$ I saved on acid. then I'm gonna do acid. WITHOUT YOU.
Sawa: :O
10.17.2003
it turned him to the booze
and he got mixed up with a floosie
and she led him to a life of indecision
the floosie made him spend his dole
she left him lying on skid row
a drunken lag in some salvation army mission
it’s such a shame
oh, demon alcohol
sad memories i cannot recall
who thought i would say
damn it all and blow it all
oh, demon alcohol
memories i cannot recall
who thought i would fall
a slave to demon alcohol?
and he got mixed up with a floosie
and she led him to a life of indecision
the floosie made him spend his dole
she left him lying on skid row
a drunken lag in some salvation army mission
it’s such a shame
oh, demon alcohol
sad memories i cannot recall
who thought i would say
damn it all and blow it all
oh, demon alcohol
memories i cannot recall
who thought i would fall
a slave to demon alcohol?
you think you've got it
oh, you think you've got it
but got it just don't get it
till there's nothing at all
we get together
oh, we get together
but separate's always better
when there's feelings involved
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/britney.lookalike/
oh, you think you've got it
but got it just don't get it
till there's nothing at all
we get together
oh, we get together
but separate's always better
when there's feelings involved
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/britney.lookalike/
10.16.2003
Sawa: DRAWING TIEM
Taisa: yey :o *snuggles in weird naked position* whatcha gonna draw? *poses*
Sawa: lewl. you see i'd draw you but you're not here :O
Taisa: :(
Sawa: can't do it unless they're right in front of me :o
Taisa: *puts penis right in front of her* :o chibi taisa attack! :o go chibi taisa! harden! btw im watching pokemon D:
Taisa: yey :o *snuggles in weird naked position* whatcha gonna draw? *poses*
Sawa: lewl. you see i'd draw you but you're not here :O
Taisa: :(
Sawa: can't do it unless they're right in front of me :o
Taisa: *puts penis right in front of her* :o chibi taisa attack! :o go chibi taisa! harden! btw im watching pokemon D:
A+...w00t! You either really know your stuff, or you're one hell of a guesser.
How well do you know Jrock?
Me? Guess? HAH! Everyone knows that Gackt's body fat percentage is 6% while he's touring, and that hide fell in love with Fender ever since he got his first one in 5th grade. Come on now.
Sawa: *throws her pencil* i suck at drawing people. why am i even trying. i should stick to the massacres of color that everything was.
Cornelius: go to time out.
Sawa: i don't need a time out, i need someone to cut my hands off, or remove my imagination We style. i'll write by dictation and live in a small wooden cabin in the middle of the vast canadian woods, i and my dictation taker huddled around a fire and cups of soup.
---
Cornelius: *plays the odd couple theme on his guitar*
Sawa: *cracks a smile* i'm frustrated and feeling empty. i need sleep. and i need to get the paint off of my screen and keyboard. i abandonded the paper for something that would cover him up more. so i started painting over the IM box. *yawns* and the rest is history.
Cornelius: makes sense.
Cornelius: go to time out.
Sawa: i don't need a time out, i need someone to cut my hands off, or remove my imagination We style. i'll write by dictation and live in a small wooden cabin in the middle of the vast canadian woods, i and my dictation taker huddled around a fire and cups of soup.
---
Cornelius: *plays the odd couple theme on his guitar*
Sawa: *cracks a smile* i'm frustrated and feeling empty. i need sleep. and i need to get the paint off of my screen and keyboard. i abandonded the paper for something that would cover him up more. so i started painting over the IM box. *yawns* and the rest is history.
Cornelius: makes sense.
10.15.2003
it’s late in the day
i’m thinking of you
things that you say
Sawa: too many things to do. i want to draw and read and write and photoshop and play my game and paint and respond to e-mail all at once.
Cornelius: do it. then go to the hospital afterwards.
i lay on my bed
searching my mind
writing my love
i’m thinking of you
things that you say
Sawa: too many things to do. i want to draw and read and write and photoshop and play my game and paint and respond to e-mail all at once.
Cornelius: do it. then go to the hospital afterwards.
i lay on my bed
searching my mind
writing my love
10.14.2003
10.13.2003
10.12.2003
so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one
i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that could hold us back
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one
i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that could hold us back
10.10.2003
10.08.2003
10.07.2003
Whoever joined Fiction Press just to write me a review. I love you.
"Excellent, you have an overflowing goblet of delicious wine. Unfortunately you have little means of controlling the flow. I think this shall be your next task.
You must learn how to start your stories with less of an explosion; while beautiful in their own right, they are impossible to fully comprehend. As time moves forward we cannot realize what comes next due to being partially blinded by the opening act.
Thus a stopper must be put on the mouth of your vial. Stop feeding us veal to finish off with a tasteless wafer.
Do not mistake my suggestion as a request for a dull monotone, as a plot can contain a variety of speeds. Instead, keep your vocabulary and adjective usage to my mentioned request.
That is all I ask. I think once you master this you will truly be unstoppable."
Also, you sound suspiciously like K before he disappeared, in that you tell me the same things he did, things I built upon with Misdirection and will inevitably harness with this new book. All's a work in progress: writing, art, life itself.
From your reaction, I see clearly that Grounded succeeded in what it set out to do -- that is, plunge its greedy hands into your very innards and twist twist twist until you can't take the sheer too-good-to-be-true of it all, how it reminds you of those fleeting first minutes of knowing someone whom you are inexorably attracted to, like a natural form of gravitational pull between you and this glorious being, and then breaks your wings before you've even left the ground. Thus, in one of many strains of thought, comes about the title. Grounded was about gaining control of myself, about forcing my words into mountains which I promptly shove you off of.
The goal was to create synthetic loss within the reader, just as Misdirection's goal was to create synthetic wrath. I succeeded, if I do say so myself, inciting tears in the eyes of a man with the former, and frothing rage in the eyes of another with the latter. Now that I've plucked your heartstrings, I'm ready to stumble blindly in a completely different direction: comedy.
I understand my.. problem, as it is, with putting too much lipstick on the mouth of a story. Previous attempts at short stories with this flaw have turned into storyline sluts, sleeping with every idea and invoked emotion that walks by and turning its body into a mess that my literary voice required months to recover from. There are no doctors for this sort of sickness, only my own restraint. Curse the female frame of mind and all its emotional anomalies; were it that I could rid myself of it.
In short, I still believe in the saying that you must write a million awful words before the good stuff begins to come out. Here's to word one million.
"Excellent, you have an overflowing goblet of delicious wine. Unfortunately you have little means of controlling the flow. I think this shall be your next task.
You must learn how to start your stories with less of an explosion; while beautiful in their own right, they are impossible to fully comprehend. As time moves forward we cannot realize what comes next due to being partially blinded by the opening act.
Thus a stopper must be put on the mouth of your vial. Stop feeding us veal to finish off with a tasteless wafer.
Do not mistake my suggestion as a request for a dull monotone, as a plot can contain a variety of speeds. Instead, keep your vocabulary and adjective usage to my mentioned request.
That is all I ask. I think once you master this you will truly be unstoppable."
Also, you sound suspiciously like K before he disappeared, in that you tell me the same things he did, things I built upon with Misdirection and will inevitably harness with this new book. All's a work in progress: writing, art, life itself.
From your reaction, I see clearly that Grounded succeeded in what it set out to do -- that is, plunge its greedy hands into your very innards and twist twist twist until you can't take the sheer too-good-to-be-true of it all, how it reminds you of those fleeting first minutes of knowing someone whom you are inexorably attracted to, like a natural form of gravitational pull between you and this glorious being, and then breaks your wings before you've even left the ground. Thus, in one of many strains of thought, comes about the title. Grounded was about gaining control of myself, about forcing my words into mountains which I promptly shove you off of.
The goal was to create synthetic loss within the reader, just as Misdirection's goal was to create synthetic wrath. I succeeded, if I do say so myself, inciting tears in the eyes of a man with the former, and frothing rage in the eyes of another with the latter. Now that I've plucked your heartstrings, I'm ready to stumble blindly in a completely different direction: comedy.
I understand my.. problem, as it is, with putting too much lipstick on the mouth of a story. Previous attempts at short stories with this flaw have turned into storyline sluts, sleeping with every idea and invoked emotion that walks by and turning its body into a mess that my literary voice required months to recover from. There are no doctors for this sort of sickness, only my own restraint. Curse the female frame of mind and all its emotional anomalies; were it that I could rid myself of it.
In short, I still believe in the saying that you must write a million awful words before the good stuff begins to come out. Here's to word one million.
The saddest song I have ever heard is Regret, by Malice Mizer. This song pulls at me in ways I can't understand, especially the beginning. Sure, there's Sarah McLachlan's Last Dance, and VAST's Blue. But this is the sort of song that could pull me into a headlong depression if I listen to it more than once. I'm picking up my Malice Mizer obsession again. All of their songs are so beautiful.
Au Revoir sends me back to the light days of the months after Sakura Con 2002; the other version of it to that con's Saturday night and the pain of letting go of another convention (my own pieces of heaven). Je tu Veux, of Aka Con 2001, specifically the cosplay. Regret forces another long look at the deep hole I was in for so many months this previous winter. Kyomu no Naka de no Yuugi gets me in a writing mood. Brise and Madrigal makes me feel like everything's going to be alright, and then stabs my good mood in the heart, sending me off to some ethereal dreamworld with Sakai to Chi no Bara. Baroque and Mayo Naka ni Kawashita Yakusoku brings me back to earth again. N.p.s.N.g.s. allows me to be the tortured for once and not the torturer. Illuminati comes blazing in, fucks me hard and leaves me with a scream. Bel Air stands on its own two feet and says goodbye to the past.
All of these songs are very much a part of me. I'm going to have to burn myself a few CDs when I wake up.
Au Revoir sends me back to the light days of the months after Sakura Con 2002; the other version of it to that con's Saturday night and the pain of letting go of another convention (my own pieces of heaven). Je tu Veux, of Aka Con 2001, specifically the cosplay. Regret forces another long look at the deep hole I was in for so many months this previous winter. Kyomu no Naka de no Yuugi gets me in a writing mood. Brise and Madrigal makes me feel like everything's going to be alright, and then stabs my good mood in the heart, sending me off to some ethereal dreamworld with Sakai to Chi no Bara. Baroque and Mayo Naka ni Kawashita Yakusoku brings me back to earth again. N.p.s.N.g.s. allows me to be the tortured for once and not the torturer. Illuminati comes blazing in, fucks me hard and leaves me with a scream. Bel Air stands on its own two feet and says goodbye to the past.
All of these songs are very much a part of me. I'm going to have to burn myself a few CDs when I wake up.
10.06.2003
The last post was a little Adrienne's Sick And Popping More Pillz Than Robball, So Be Nice. Except for the bit about the laughing. That was all me.
Me: *sees e-mail from Fiction Press titled "Review Alert!"* ...Omg. Omg someone actually read my stories. Someone's going to wax intellectual and go into the finer points of the story line, tell me any mistakes I made in grammar, give me tips on writing. Squee! *opens e-mail*
"MY story is crap? waht the hell about your's!? if u don't like my stuff, don't read it. suck urself"
...-_-
Me: *sees e-mail from Fiction Press titled "Review Alert!"* ...Omg. Omg someone actually read my stories. Someone's going to wax intellectual and go into the finer points of the story line, tell me any mistakes I made in grammar, give me tips on writing. Squee! *opens e-mail*
"MY story is crap? waht the hell about your's!? if u don't like my stuff, don't read it. suck urself"
...-_-
"Not like Wal-mart. *still bitchy about the "I can't sell these [caffeine pills] to you because you're under 18" incident* The reason I decided to buy Stacker 2 instead of Stacker 3, is because I heard you can take Stacker 2 on an empty stomach. I've already taken one and it seems to be working... I'm not hungry and I usually would be starving about this time. Yayness. ^_^v So, starting today, new fast.. and I will be strong this time and not FORGET and start eating without knowing I am. >_<"
My body has started to eat itself ^_^v ! Victory! The pain of vital organs getting devoured by themselves is orgasmic ^^;; Lol my parents were all "Please you're our only son we don't want you to die" *rolls eyes* ^^; They just don't fuckin' understand @_@ ! I'm FAT ^o^v But O-o I'm ^^; getting :D thinner ;_^ yay 0_o
(..Juho was funny for once.)
I find it hilarious that these people don't know that caffeine is a metabolism KILLER, not a metabolism OVERDRIVE. Drinking so much coffee and wondering why you gained two pounds today. Fucking kids these days. And honestly. 80 calories A DAY? You're going to die and I'm going to laugh.
Speaking of hurting yourself, I have a small confession to make.
I've been thinking about the razor in my nightstand again. How pretty the red of my blood is. How bad the stinging hurts and how good it feels to watch what's keeping me alive come out.
I remember Odie and her scarred arms. How she carved them in when she was high and came skipping down the sidewalk to show me.
Jade and her long sleeves for weeks. How she cut herself in front of me and I took a picture of it with my webcam and we just sat there side by side bleeding and unthinking. Unfeeling, in my case. Just dead. Neutral to the events at hand.
She never cut herself deep. Hah. "Mommy might find out." Well, you're in France now, honey. I bet you cut yourself every day, deep as you please. Drunk on your wine. Cut cut cut. With the razors I showed you how to get, or maybe even the razor I gave you. I enabled your self-denial. Ah, memories.
I haven't actually gotten it out yet, but I'm thinking I might.
For old time's sake.
My body has started to eat itself ^_^v ! Victory! The pain of vital organs getting devoured by themselves is orgasmic ^^;; Lol my parents were all "Please you're our only son we don't want you to die" *rolls eyes* ^^; They just don't fuckin' understand @_@ ! I'm FAT ^o^v But O-o I'm ^^; getting :D thinner ;_^ yay 0_o
(..Juho was funny for once.)
I find it hilarious that these people don't know that caffeine is a metabolism KILLER, not a metabolism OVERDRIVE. Drinking so much coffee and wondering why you gained two pounds today. Fucking kids these days. And honestly. 80 calories A DAY? You're going to die and I'm going to laugh.
Speaking of hurting yourself, I have a small confession to make.
I've been thinking about the razor in my nightstand again. How pretty the red of my blood is. How bad the stinging hurts and how good it feels to watch what's keeping me alive come out.
I remember Odie and her scarred arms. How she carved them in when she was high and came skipping down the sidewalk to show me.
Jade and her long sleeves for weeks. How she cut herself in front of me and I took a picture of it with my webcam and we just sat there side by side bleeding and unthinking. Unfeeling, in my case. Just dead. Neutral to the events at hand.
She never cut herself deep. Hah. "Mommy might find out." Well, you're in France now, honey. I bet you cut yourself every day, deep as you please. Drunk on your wine. Cut cut cut. With the razors I showed you how to get, or maybe even the razor I gave you. I enabled your self-denial. Ah, memories.
I haven't actually gotten it out yet, but I'm thinking I might.
For old time's sake.
10.03.2003
10.01.2003
This story's going to take a little explaining, but those of you who know who everyone is will get a fucking kick out of this.
Shasta got t-boned a few days ago, and not only that, but it was a hit and run. It wasn't her fault; the lady driving the other car intentionally hit her for trying to get away from her because she was driving all crazy. Shasta didn't remember the entire license plate number, but her mother saw a car fitting the description driving around downtown Auburn the next day. She followed the car, got the rest of the license plate number and their address, and went back to the police. It turns out that not only was the lady who hit her drunk at the time, but it was BETHANY GENTRY'S MOTHER. I shit you not. She now has to pay a minimum of $1200 in damages to not get arrested for the hit and run, which seems impossible seeing as how she has NO insurance and gets paid (very little) under the table, and Shasta's mother is pressing charges.
That has to be the funniest thing I've heard all week.
Shasta got t-boned a few days ago, and not only that, but it was a hit and run. It wasn't her fault; the lady driving the other car intentionally hit her for trying to get away from her because she was driving all crazy. Shasta didn't remember the entire license plate number, but her mother saw a car fitting the description driving around downtown Auburn the next day. She followed the car, got the rest of the license plate number and their address, and went back to the police. It turns out that not only was the lady who hit her drunk at the time, but it was BETHANY GENTRY'S MOTHER. I shit you not. She now has to pay a minimum of $1200 in damages to not get arrested for the hit and run, which seems impossible seeing as how she has NO insurance and gets paid (very little) under the table, and Shasta's mother is pressing charges.
That has to be the funniest thing I've heard all week.
Adrienne is the #394 most common female name.
0.039% of females in the US are named Adrienne.
Around 49725 US females are named Adrienne!
source namestatistics.com
0.039% of females in the US are named Adrienne.
Around 49725 US females are named Adrienne!
source namestatistics.com
Hunter is the #130 most common last name.
0.069% of last names in the US are Hunter.
Around 172500 US last names are Hunter!
source namestatistics.com
0.069% of last names in the US are Hunter.
Around 172500 US last names are Hunter!
source namestatistics.com
Josiah is the #913 most common male name.
0.006% of men in the US are named Josiah.
Around 7350 US men are named Josiah!
source namestatistics.com
0.006% of men in the US are named Josiah.
Around 7350 US men are named Josiah!
source namestatistics.com
Lael is the #3874 most common female name.
0.001% of females in the US are named Lael.
Around 1275 US females are named Lael!
source namestatistics.com
0.001% of females in the US are named Lael.
Around 1275 US females are named Lael!
source namestatistics.com
Halasz is the #27608 most common last name.
0.0005% of last names in the US are Halasz.
Around 1250 US last names are Halasz!
source namestatistics.com
0.0005% of last names in the US are Halasz.
Around 1250 US last names are Halasz!
source namestatistics.com
Holy fuck me Christ, SeanSparks is hot.
God: As about...33 percent of the black vote here at FSU, do you think I should have voted for SGA?
Sawa: I'm against voting. So you're fine.
God: Fair enough.
Sawa: Josiah got into a car wreck. His car's dead.
God: And he's...?
Sawa: Fine. Fortunately for him the person he hit didn't call the police.
God: His fault too? Ouch.
Sawa: But he now has next to no transportation, and next to no food, and he's really upset right now. AND I CAN'T BE THERE FOR HIM BECAUSE MY MOTHER'S A SELFISH WHORE.
God: Tell him to buy a bike, go to Publix, buy some food, and give him a blowjob and a pat on the ass as a send-off. If you ever escape your mother, anyway.
Sawa: Next to no food can and does translate as next to no money.
God: I would say that he could start working double shifts, but with no caaaaar.....eh. What's his insurance company doing?
Sawa: I don't know.
God: He needs to get the car fixed or replaced to make money.
Sawa: I didn't get to talk to him much before his cable went down for some unknown reason. He's planning on taking the bus. D:
God: Ah. That works too.
Sawa: GOD THIS IS SO FUCKED UP WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHIIIIING. I hate life.
God: Your mom? But life loves you! Or loves to pick on you. Then again, she's also the reason you're alive.
Sawa: /gun. I'd rather not be alive some days.
God: But then what would Josiah do? Fuck, what would I do?
Sawa: I don't know ;_;
God: Besides live longer... You're needed, A-chan. You have a divine purpose.
Sawa: Divine? What's so divine about sucking cock and telling people off in stylishly sardonic ways?
God: Well, I was christened as God the other day. The old guy's shift was up. I'm actually the third god. In any case, I made oral sex an act of divine charity. It's in the new bible pending print. Don't worry, there's a reason for everything. I'm also remodeling heaven to include a lot more Porn and chicken.
Sawa: Excellent. So what's the reasoning for this?
God: Reasoning for porn and chicken? No reason NEEDED. It's..porn...and CHICKEN. Fried chicken. With....hot sauce.
Sawa: I meant Josiah crashing. I mean, I can't bear to drive with him in the car. Let alone take him places. Or US places. Why'd you do this to us?
God: Well, I planned to make you the Virgin Mary, but it didn't work out, so I just figured I'd make Josiah my Job. And you can be his quirky Jobette. The new millenium, I figured there should be some more female role models in religion.
Sawa: Eh. It works. I'm not keen on children anyway.
God: Fuck a virgin birth. Nowadays being a virgin past 14 is a miracle in itself. I'm not a picky God.
Sawa: I made it to 16. :|
God: Congratulations.
Sawa: No thanks to the 1100 miles between Josiah and I. Actually, all thanks to that.
God: Indeed. It wasn't my shift when that happened, to be fair.
Sawa: Hrmph. And then when it IS your shift, you allow this car accident.
God: Hey, I'm letting him have a girl who ENJOYS giving oral sex. Compared to festering lesions and killing his loved ones, he should be SMILING... Do you know how HARD it is to watch everything at ONCE?! It's MIND boggling... It's like playing a billion games of Sim City at once...
Sawa: Our long friendship prior to your being christened as God should at least oblige you to go easy on me. It's not like the last one was.
God: This is true. But don't worry, in the end, Job was rewarded with passage into heaven. You'll have the same passage, but you'll know GOD. Imagine the perks.
Sawa: Fuck heaven, what about NOW?
God: Well, Adrienne, I've been trying to teach you, above all else, ONE thing throughout thr course of our friendship. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. So start being virtuous.
Sawa: I'd rather be naughty.
God: Just be naughty patiently.
Works for me.
God: As about...33 percent of the black vote here at FSU, do you think I should have voted for SGA?
Sawa: I'm against voting. So you're fine.
God: Fair enough.
Sawa: Josiah got into a car wreck. His car's dead.
God: And he's...?
Sawa: Fine. Fortunately for him the person he hit didn't call the police.
God: His fault too? Ouch.
Sawa: But he now has next to no transportation, and next to no food, and he's really upset right now. AND I CAN'T BE THERE FOR HIM BECAUSE MY MOTHER'S A SELFISH WHORE.
God: Tell him to buy a bike, go to Publix, buy some food, and give him a blowjob and a pat on the ass as a send-off. If you ever escape your mother, anyway.
Sawa: Next to no food can and does translate as next to no money.
God: I would say that he could start working double shifts, but with no caaaaar.....eh. What's his insurance company doing?
Sawa: I don't know.
God: He needs to get the car fixed or replaced to make money.
Sawa: I didn't get to talk to him much before his cable went down for some unknown reason. He's planning on taking the bus. D:
God: Ah. That works too.
Sawa: GOD THIS IS SO FUCKED UP WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHIIIIING. I hate life.
God: Your mom? But life loves you! Or loves to pick on you. Then again, she's also the reason you're alive.
Sawa: /gun. I'd rather not be alive some days.
God: But then what would Josiah do? Fuck, what would I do?
Sawa: I don't know ;_;
God: Besides live longer... You're needed, A-chan. You have a divine purpose.
Sawa: Divine? What's so divine about sucking cock and telling people off in stylishly sardonic ways?
God: Well, I was christened as God the other day. The old guy's shift was up. I'm actually the third god. In any case, I made oral sex an act of divine charity. It's in the new bible pending print. Don't worry, there's a reason for everything. I'm also remodeling heaven to include a lot more Porn and chicken.
Sawa: Excellent. So what's the reasoning for this?
God: Reasoning for porn and chicken? No reason NEEDED. It's..porn...and CHICKEN. Fried chicken. With....hot sauce.
Sawa: I meant Josiah crashing. I mean, I can't bear to drive with him in the car. Let alone take him places. Or US places. Why'd you do this to us?
God: Well, I planned to make you the Virgin Mary, but it didn't work out, so I just figured I'd make Josiah my Job. And you can be his quirky Jobette. The new millenium, I figured there should be some more female role models in religion.
Sawa: Eh. It works. I'm not keen on children anyway.
God: Fuck a virgin birth. Nowadays being a virgin past 14 is a miracle in itself. I'm not a picky God.
Sawa: I made it to 16. :|
God: Congratulations.
Sawa: No thanks to the 1100 miles between Josiah and I. Actually, all thanks to that.
God: Indeed. It wasn't my shift when that happened, to be fair.
Sawa: Hrmph. And then when it IS your shift, you allow this car accident.
God: Hey, I'm letting him have a girl who ENJOYS giving oral sex. Compared to festering lesions and killing his loved ones, he should be SMILING... Do you know how HARD it is to watch everything at ONCE?! It's MIND boggling... It's like playing a billion games of Sim City at once...
Sawa: Our long friendship prior to your being christened as God should at least oblige you to go easy on me. It's not like the last one was.
God: This is true. But don't worry, in the end, Job was rewarded with passage into heaven. You'll have the same passage, but you'll know GOD. Imagine the perks.
Sawa: Fuck heaven, what about NOW?
God: Well, Adrienne, I've been trying to teach you, above all else, ONE thing throughout thr course of our friendship. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. So start being virtuous.
Sawa: I'd rather be naughty.
God: Just be naughty patiently.
Works for me.
A - Act your age? - Not at all.
B - Boyfriend - YESSAH.
C - Chore you hate - All of them.
D - Dad's name - Gary.
E - Essential make up item - NONE. :D
F - Favorite actress - Gwyneth Paltrow. [/fag]
G - Gold or silver - Silver.
H - Hometown - Lake Stevens/Burien.
I - Instruments you play - Skin flute.
J - Job title - Writer.
K - Kids - With a nice white sauce.
L - Living arrangements - I tend to sleep/compute at my mother's. Everything else is at Josiah's.
M - Mom's name - Crystal.
N - Number of people you've slept with - 1.
O - Overnight hospital stays - None.
P - Phobia - YOUR FACE.
Q - Quote you like - "Cake or death?"
R - Religious affiliation? Church of the SubGenius.
S - Sibling - Vance Spam Steph Darian Matt.
T - Time you wake up? - 10am.
U - Unique habit - Naked Time. :D
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat - Fucking. Asparagus. Ew. Worst ever.
W - Worst habit - Playing with Chibi Taisa all the time. ;(
X - X-rays you've had - Dental, ribcage.
Y - Yummy food you make - Ramen, bitch.
Z - Zodiac Sign - Libra.
B - Boyfriend - YESSAH.
C - Chore you hate - All of them.
D - Dad's name - Gary.
E - Essential make up item - NONE. :D
F - Favorite actress - Gwyneth Paltrow. [/fag]
G - Gold or silver - Silver.
H - Hometown - Lake Stevens/Burien.
I - Instruments you play - Skin flute.
J - Job title - Writer.
K - Kids - With a nice white sauce.
L - Living arrangements - I tend to sleep/compute at my mother's. Everything else is at Josiah's.
M - Mom's name - Crystal.
N - Number of people you've slept with - 1.
O - Overnight hospital stays - None.
P - Phobia - YOUR FACE.
Q - Quote you like - "Cake or death?"
R - Religious affiliation? Church of the SubGenius.
S - Sibling - Vance Spam Steph Darian Matt.
T - Time you wake up? - 10am.
U - Unique habit - Naked Time. :D
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat - Fucking. Asparagus. Ew. Worst ever.
W - Worst habit - Playing with Chibi Taisa all the time. ;(
X - X-rays you've had - Dental, ribcage.
Y - Yummy food you make - Ramen, bitch.
Z - Zodiac Sign - Libra.
9.29.2003
9.24.2003
Kristoff: today I brought the free world to its knees
Sawa: Excellent
Kristoff: terrorists acting with funding and support from my government pumped VX nerve gas into the New York subway tunnels during morning rush hour, destroyed loaded passenger planes at LAX with RPGs, totally obliterated Denver International Airport, and destroyed some random shit in Israel all within 10 minutes of one another. the United States has no proof of where the attacks came from, and no idea who's behind them. they're pointing fingers at everyone, and nobody is on their side.
Sawa: Ahahahaha. Are you serious?
Kristoff: Syria, on the other hand, is complying with UN resolutions, trying to reach a peaceful settlement with Israel, and condemning the terrorists
Sawa: How is everyone else reacting?
Kristoff: Of whom they were also victims. or so they say. the other nations think the US is full of shit. they didn't react well to the crisis either, they took nearly 4 hours after the subway incident to address the nation. the entire country is screaming for blood. and they're desperately finding ANYONE they can arrest on phantom charges as a scapegoat to prevent their own people from bringing it down. meanwhile, the leader of those responsible was "exiled" from damascus and his organization "disbanded" by Syrian Republican Guard units. I AM AXIS OF EVIL.
Sawa: AHAHAHAHAHA BEST CHRIS EVER
Kristoff: So I think I won the simulation. badger badger badger badger...
Sawa: A badger on the flag of the country to replace America. New Syria. or what have you.
Kristoff: Kristoffland
Sawa: hehehehe. You so would.
Kristoff: You know you like it.
Sawa: Excellent
Kristoff: terrorists acting with funding and support from my government pumped VX nerve gas into the New York subway tunnels during morning rush hour, destroyed loaded passenger planes at LAX with RPGs, totally obliterated Denver International Airport, and destroyed some random shit in Israel all within 10 minutes of one another. the United States has no proof of where the attacks came from, and no idea who's behind them. they're pointing fingers at everyone, and nobody is on their side.
Sawa: Ahahahaha. Are you serious?
Kristoff: Syria, on the other hand, is complying with UN resolutions, trying to reach a peaceful settlement with Israel, and condemning the terrorists
Sawa: How is everyone else reacting?
Kristoff: Of whom they were also victims. or so they say. the other nations think the US is full of shit. they didn't react well to the crisis either, they took nearly 4 hours after the subway incident to address the nation. the entire country is screaming for blood. and they're desperately finding ANYONE they can arrest on phantom charges as a scapegoat to prevent their own people from bringing it down. meanwhile, the leader of those responsible was "exiled" from damascus and his organization "disbanded" by Syrian Republican Guard units. I AM AXIS OF EVIL.
Sawa: AHAHAHAHAHA BEST CHRIS EVER
Kristoff: So I think I won the simulation. badger badger badger badger...
Sawa: A badger on the flag of the country to replace America. New Syria. or what have you.
Kristoff: Kristoffland
Sawa: hehehehe. You so would.
Kristoff: You know you like it.
9.23.2003
twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you
"Hi. What do you want?"
"Just Peachy."
"...Heheh, that was cute."
"...Sixteen...ounces...plz....;_;"
":D"
Inside, I blushed. Profusely. He didn't charge me for the whipped cream.
I'm totally going back there.
circling all round the sun
Classes are boring and no I don't want to talk about them so stop asking everyone please. If anyone continues to ask me how I like my classes I'm going to crowbar their chest cavity open and dig their organs out with my bare hands.
...I wonder how that would feel.
it's not the same as running
Taken from my spiral:
Sigh. So I don't have my journal with me. What does that mean? Some good old-fashioned expulsion of the disease that's currently eating my nerves and appetite alive. I'm sitting here with food for two (him), deciding to be selfish and save some of this for tomorrow's myself instead of him, giving him my location tucked away in a sentenced riddle I hope/expect him not to solce.
Gradie's is like a small poorly-lit slice of Seattle, neat and unceremonius in the middle of Auburn. Unfortunately for my wallet and my poor car, it's simply not enough. I think I either secretly don't want him to call, or secretly want him to find me -- nay, KNOW where I am -- and apologize perhaps. Sigh. (I've been doing that far too much.) Heh...
Seeing the market empty. So barren.
Like me right now.
Fuck. He made me cry in public.
I'm tired of having reasons to cry. I'm tired of eating, but it all tastes so good. Tired of the flavors being good but the conversation being bad. Tired of being insulted, demeaned. (And not just by you, love.) Eating in silence. Tired of sighing, being given reasons to sigh. Thinking about Robbie. I proved I don't give everything up. Something inside me tells me to walk. I travel every day, upwards of 100 miles each, but it's never enough.
Sigh? I know that he won't remember as much about me as I'd like. But maybe all of it will stick someday. Maybe.
full of love
You see, that morning when Robbie sent me off to school with a Dir en Grey lunchpail, a kiss on the forehead, a huge hug and an "I love you." I will remember that forever. It breaks me in all the right ways. It would make me cry in the middle of a smile. He remembered my obscure Japanese band of the moment and that I had said I wanted a lunchbox with a Japanese band on it. Nobody has ever cared to remember so much about me. I crack under the pressure of its immaculate tragedy; the fact that I broke the man that said and did those things hurts far worse than knowing the man who said and did those things is gone forever.
I drive people mad.
full of love
I wish I never saw my reflection again. I wish I could play this song for the rest of my life, it makes my throat constrict. And I hate Bjork too. Go figure.
If you forget something, it might as well have never existed. Forgetting kills things. I wish I could build your memory palace for you, but I can't. I'm getting you the book that I read the first five pages of, to help you explain what it is and how it can be used. I want you to keep things alive. I want the look of confusion on your face gone. I don't want to get frustrated. I don't want to be misunderstood. I want you to know and remember me. Please.
Who else will?
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you
"Hi. What do you want?"
"Just Peachy."
"...Heheh, that was cute."
"...Sixteen...ounces...plz....;_;"
":D"
Inside, I blushed. Profusely. He didn't charge me for the whipped cream.
I'm totally going back there.
circling all round the sun
Classes are boring and no I don't want to talk about them so stop asking everyone please. If anyone continues to ask me how I like my classes I'm going to crowbar their chest cavity open and dig their organs out with my bare hands.
...I wonder how that would feel.
it's not the same as running
Taken from my spiral:
Sigh. So I don't have my journal with me. What does that mean? Some good old-fashioned expulsion of the disease that's currently eating my nerves and appetite alive. I'm sitting here with food for two (him), deciding to be selfish and save some of this for tomorrow's myself instead of him, giving him my location tucked away in a sentenced riddle I hope/expect him not to solce.
Gradie's is like a small poorly-lit slice of Seattle, neat and unceremonius in the middle of Auburn. Unfortunately for my wallet and my poor car, it's simply not enough. I think I either secretly don't want him to call, or secretly want him to find me -- nay, KNOW where I am -- and apologize perhaps. Sigh. (I've been doing that far too much.) Heh...
Seeing the market empty. So barren.
Like me right now.
Fuck. He made me cry in public.
I'm tired of having reasons to cry. I'm tired of eating, but it all tastes so good. Tired of the flavors being good but the conversation being bad. Tired of being insulted, demeaned. (And not just by you, love.) Eating in silence. Tired of sighing, being given reasons to sigh. Thinking about Robbie. I proved I don't give everything up. Something inside me tells me to walk. I travel every day, upwards of 100 miles each, but it's never enough.
Sigh? I know that he won't remember as much about me as I'd like. But maybe all of it will stick someday. Maybe.
full of love
You see, that morning when Robbie sent me off to school with a Dir en Grey lunchpail, a kiss on the forehead, a huge hug and an "I love you." I will remember that forever. It breaks me in all the right ways. It would make me cry in the middle of a smile. He remembered my obscure Japanese band of the moment and that I had said I wanted a lunchbox with a Japanese band on it. Nobody has ever cared to remember so much about me. I crack under the pressure of its immaculate tragedy; the fact that I broke the man that said and did those things hurts far worse than knowing the man who said and did those things is gone forever.
I drive people mad.
full of love
I wish I never saw my reflection again. I wish I could play this song for the rest of my life, it makes my throat constrict. And I hate Bjork too. Go figure.
If you forget something, it might as well have never existed. Forgetting kills things. I wish I could build your memory palace for you, but I can't. I'm getting you the book that I read the first five pages of, to help you explain what it is and how it can be used. I want you to keep things alive. I want the look of confusion on your face gone. I don't want to get frustrated. I don't want to be misunderstood. I want you to know and remember me. Please.
Who else will?
9.22.2003
That wasn't Adrienne who closed her eyes against you and said nothing for well over three hours. Fuuma stood there idly, watching me put a large sheet of paper up on the wall and write upon it two things which I note here exactly as they were written down inside my memory palace. I was using this to drown your foolish words out.
OBSERVATIONS
In death, there is no thought. The orgasm contains at least one second in which nothing is thought. Thus, orgasm is the closest you will ever come to death.
The other observation doesn't deserve to be written here.
Nothing else I say here does either.
OBSERVATIONS
In death, there is no thought. The orgasm contains at least one second in which nothing is thought. Thus, orgasm is the closest you will ever come to death.
The other observation doesn't deserve to be written here.
Nothing else I say here does either.
9.20.2003
Bright Eyes in a Hot Topic. "In every city memories would whisper 'here is where you rest.'" Lock eyes with one of the employees who is mouthing the words like I am. Very interesting feeling, seeing that and smiling at each other at the same time.
Should be studying. Should be filling out applications. Should be anything but sitting here on my ass all day doing almost nothing, only "working," as it were, when conferencing with Nomad on the script. He tells me we should work together, form something after this is all over and done with, should it be received well. I agreed.
Where the fuck is Cornelius?
Another fantastic lunch today. Melted brie is fascinating. So thick. Today was, otherwise, worthless. Should've should've should've. One more day left to waste doing much the same thing. Sigh.
:|
Should be studying. Should be filling out applications. Should be anything but sitting here on my ass all day doing almost nothing, only "working," as it were, when conferencing with Nomad on the script. He tells me we should work together, form something after this is all over and done with, should it be received well. I agreed.
Where the fuck is Cornelius?
Another fantastic lunch today. Melted brie is fascinating. So thick. Today was, otherwise, worthless. Should've should've should've. One more day left to waste doing much the same thing. Sigh.
:|
9.19.2003
That last post sucked.
To make up for it:
Plug.
Kyle. (Hawt.)
I've been busy. My apologies to everyone who I've cut off, ignored, blocked, et cetera.
In your own stolen "lyrics interspersed with gaudy angst" way, my response to your IM, Jade, because I know you still read:
pleased to please you and shake the hand
that waits for me to leave to stab me in the back
good to see you and make you laugh
with the same mouth that calls the kettle black
and i want to say so many things
but three little words are all i need
to burn the bridge with no regrets to keep
i'm sorry to say that i hate you
and i never want to see you again
it's not a mistake that i met you
and it taught me everything
Yeah. Maybe you did grow up a bit from your experience with me. Do I care? You're still the same, same as always. I should write you your own fucking song instead of quoting these bands I'm sure you love.
here's to you two and your success
congratulations on the perfect mess
oh, what to do but the best
you'll never be good enough just like the rest
i'd like to say that it was fun living under the gun
i'd like to say i like you but that wouldn't be true
Enjoy France, you fucking failure.
To make up for it:
Plug.
Kyle. (Hawt.)
I've been busy. My apologies to everyone who I've cut off, ignored, blocked, et cetera.
In your own stolen "lyrics interspersed with gaudy angst" way, my response to your IM, Jade, because I know you still read:
pleased to please you and shake the hand
that waits for me to leave to stab me in the back
good to see you and make you laugh
with the same mouth that calls the kettle black
and i want to say so many things
but three little words are all i need
to burn the bridge with no regrets to keep
i'm sorry to say that i hate you
and i never want to see you again
it's not a mistake that i met you
and it taught me everything
Yeah. Maybe you did grow up a bit from your experience with me. Do I care? You're still the same, same as always. I should write you your own fucking song instead of quoting these bands I'm sure you love.
here's to you two and your success
congratulations on the perfect mess
oh, what to do but the best
you'll never be good enough just like the rest
i'd like to say that it was fun living under the gun
i'd like to say i like you but that wouldn't be true
Enjoy France, you fucking failure.
9.17.2003
I don't know WHAT was wrong with everyone tonight, but here it is in all its glory.
< Sphyx > MY BIRTHDAY'S IN TWELVE DAYS YAY. :|
< lynxtor > hot
< Xana > How old will you be?
< Sphyx > 59.
< Xana > please make out with me
< Sphyx > excellent.
< somebody > correction: Sexcellent
< Unidan > I REC--JUST TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
< lynxtor > Sexcellent
< Sphyx > BEN TREATS ME JUST LIKE BOB, OH THE JOY
< lynxtor > Sexcellent
< Unidan > excessively creepy?
< Sphyx > SEXessively :D i totally got teh sexx0r today. i had to tell nomad to hold on while we were talking about fs matrix stuff
< lynxtor > what ?
< Sphyx > him and i had been talking about working on the script more, and i was dragged away from the computer for sex. or, as he said, "pole action."
< somebody > DON'T STOP TALKING
< lynxtor > :O what were you doing on the computer while your active sex partner was around?
< somebody > DETAILS
< Sphyx > LOL
< lynxtor > wait a second
< Sphyx > he had just walked in the door
< lynxtor > does your active sex partner equate to your hand? ..ahhhh i see
< Sphyx > even nomad was like "LEAVE TO GO SEX"
< lynxtor > so he's all "yo sup" and you're all "k let's go"
< Sphyx > yah, pretty much. it was like an hour long too.
* EROTIC_NINNY sets mode: +o Sphyx
< lynxtor > :O
< Sphyx > i was on top at first. but then he got all dominant and rolled us over and fucked me hard and long. THERE'S YOUR DETAILS. ..why in god's name am i talking about this. i need to go to sleep.
< EROTIC_NINNY > alright, Im gonna go beat off before I go to school. ..JK, THX SPHYX
< lynxtor > lloloolo
< EROTIC_NINNY > PLZ HAVE MORE SEX
< Sphyx > :D ANYTIME YO. lack of sleep is like my truth serum. keep me up all night and i'll tell you anything and everything.
< EROTIC_NINNY > what time zone are you in
< lynxtor > WHAT IS YOUR ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER?
< somebody > LYNXTOR WANA CYBER
< lynxtor > TIME TO HIT THE OLD BEDSTACK SPIKE TRAP WHILE SPHYX FUCKS JUHO ;o
< Sphyx > NUH UH
< lynxtor > ;O
< somebody > !
< Sphyx > MORE LIKE XANA. I MEAN ...MORE LIKE XANA.
Sawa: That was... You know, I fucking hate AIM.
Kristoff: destroy! burn! kill kill kill! burn every village! no retreat! no surrender! flood o'er the styx, to victory!!
Sawa: No wonder AOL Time Warner is dropping them. AOL go bye-bye. What a waste of money and time.
Kristoff: wait, what?
Sawa: Time Warner is back to being Time Warner. No more AOL.
Kristoff: lol I hadn't heard about that
Sawa: They're dumping them on their ass because they've squandered so much money. Yeah. :D
Kristoff: that's awesome. fucking aol. I'm back to listening to the badger thing.
Sawa: XD I watch that thing daily.
Kristoff: it's freaking awesome. MAGIC. FUCKING. MUSHROOM. BITCH.
Lynxtor: HI LOUTS. i mean. SPHXYX
Sawa: :DDD
BdLeUvEl: oh great satan, my friend needs help with women. could you give some good advice?
Sawa: Be yourself. Lying is the first step to taking control of any situation. Make sure you know who's paying for what beforehand. Open the door for her to get a feel for how well-mannered she wants you to be. Be her bitch until you start fucking, then you can do what you like.
Gah: would your boyfriend get the slightest bit jealous if we MADE PASSIONATE LOVE TO EACH OTHER FOR FIFTEEN STRAIGHT HOURS!? BECAUSE IF SO HE HAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE I LAST FIFTEEN SECONDS KERPOW
Sawa: :D
Gah: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10
Sawa: /flashes tits ;o
Gah: 3, 2, 1. o:
Sawa: spooge?
Gah: SPSPPPPFFFFFFF OH FFFFFFFFF SHIT. OH MY GOD. kinda.
Sawa: cool.
Gah: was more of a "FFFFFFPPPPPOORORRRRROOOASSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH HHHHHSSSHHHHH... *drip drip*" why aren't you asleep, missy?
Sawa: cause i'm working with nomad on the script for FS Matrix
Gah: i have A SANDWICH. SANDWICH.
Sawa: oooh. i'd like a sandwich. A VIC SANDWICH.
Gah: ;oo SANDWICHED BETWEEN WHAT EXACTLY
Sawa: ME AND YOU :o
Gah: wtf... somesort.. of come on.
Sawa: yes.
Gah: searching brain for logical riposte. searching... you have encountered an error. BLAST.
Sawa: TEE HEE ^_^
Gah: aggh my kitty is all "feed me". and i'm all "GO AWAY." and he's all "feed me feed me feed me FEED ME FEED ME." and i'm all "GET THE FUCK OFF MY DESK I HATE YOU."
Sawa: i'm eating as i type. i burned the fucking noodles >.> first time i ever have. EVER. so i had to scrape the pot.
Nomad: sometimes i doubt your maturity
Sawa: :Nomad: don't worry though. think of it this way: you'll never be as worse off as me
Sawa: how so ;o
Nomad: you just won't. you know all those laws of math and physics and chemistry? it's like that
Sawa: oh. okay.
Cornelius: But how are you spending your time
Sawa: Scripting FS Matrix, racking my brain for ideas.
Cornelius: I don't mean to sound negative, but I have this feeling in the back of my brain that it won't get off the ground. God, that sounded negative no matter what. What do you think will happen with FS matrix.
Sawa: I think we'll finish it. Honestly. We're about a fourth of the way through the script.
Cornelius: you finish it and I'll get serious about re-starting on the music making. how's that for a propsition.
Sawa: Deal.
Cornelius: aces.
---
Cornelius: Do you ever think about murdering people? like in a serious manner?
Sawa: yeah.
Cornelius: You ever plan it all out in your head? The perfect crime. Like Dostoyevsky.
Sawa: when my boyfriend and i weren't together for those five months, i **CENSORED CENSORED**. all in my head that was. i've planned others before.
Cornelius: I was walking home from a poetry reading and these two drunk girls asked me what I was up to, they were looking for booze mostly from me. But I imagined myself letting them in, then taking one into the bathtub and slicing her throat then doing the same to the other. then just running the shower on them until the blood hardened and drained out, then burying them behind the wooded area near my house and covering their bodies with lye and planting a tree over them. I think I would have gotten busted
Sawa: that sounds awesome. but yeah, if they had reasonable cause to search your house, you're fucked. blood leaves behind a certain protein or something that glows bright green when covered in some sort of chemical and black lights are shone on it even if you "cleaned up"
Cornelius: eep, very true. I wonder if it's possible to use some sort of abraisive on it or something, or bleach. something must get that protein out.
---
Cornelius: Goodnight nigg
Sawa: night ;o
Cornelius: Don't stress your brain or I'll be forced to eat glass.
Sawa: Alright.
Cornelius: eat. fucking. glass.
Sawa: gotcha
Cornelius: anyways. take care adrienne. good sex and all that mumbo shitbo.
Sawa: LOVE YOU
Taisa: i lubble you more. more. most. morest. MOREST.
Sawa: :3
Taisa: DONT MAKE ME MOREST YOU.
Now let's never mention this night again.
I am so secretive. You'd never even guess.
< Sphyx > MY BIRTHDAY'S IN TWELVE DAYS YAY. :|
< lynxtor > hot
< Xana > How old will you be?
< Sphyx > 59.
< Xana > please make out with me
< Sphyx > excellent.
< somebody > correction: Sexcellent
< Unidan > I REC--JUST TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
< lynxtor > Sexcellent
< Sphyx > BEN TREATS ME JUST LIKE BOB, OH THE JOY
< lynxtor > Sexcellent
< Unidan > excessively creepy?
< Sphyx > SEXessively :D i totally got teh sexx0r today. i had to tell nomad to hold on while we were talking about fs matrix stuff
< lynxtor > what ?
< Sphyx > him and i had been talking about working on the script more, and i was dragged away from the computer for sex. or, as he said, "pole action."
< somebody > DON'T STOP TALKING
< lynxtor > :O what were you doing on the computer while your active sex partner was around?
< somebody > DETAILS
< Sphyx > LOL
< lynxtor > wait a second
< Sphyx > he had just walked in the door
< lynxtor > does your active sex partner equate to your hand? ..ahhhh i see
< Sphyx > even nomad was like "LEAVE TO GO SEX"
< lynxtor > so he's all "yo sup" and you're all "k let's go"
< Sphyx > yah, pretty much. it was like an hour long too.
* EROTIC_NINNY sets mode: +o Sphyx
< lynxtor > :O
< Sphyx > i was on top at first. but then he got all dominant and rolled us over and fucked me hard and long. THERE'S YOUR DETAILS. ..why in god's name am i talking about this. i need to go to sleep.
< EROTIC_NINNY > alright, Im gonna go beat off before I go to school. ..JK, THX SPHYX
< lynxtor > lloloolo
< EROTIC_NINNY > PLZ HAVE MORE SEX
< Sphyx > :D ANYTIME YO. lack of sleep is like my truth serum. keep me up all night and i'll tell you anything and everything.
< EROTIC_NINNY > what time zone are you in
< lynxtor > WHAT IS YOUR ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER?
< somebody > LYNXTOR WANA CYBER
< lynxtor > TIME TO HIT THE OLD BEDSTACK SPIKE TRAP WHILE SPHYX FUCKS JUHO ;o
< Sphyx > NUH UH
< lynxtor > ;O
< somebody > !
< Sphyx > MORE LIKE XANA. I MEAN ...MORE LIKE XANA.
Sawa: That was... You know, I fucking hate AIM.
Kristoff: destroy! burn! kill kill kill! burn every village! no retreat! no surrender! flood o'er the styx, to victory!!
Sawa: No wonder AOL Time Warner is dropping them. AOL go bye-bye. What a waste of money and time.
Kristoff: wait, what?
Sawa: Time Warner is back to being Time Warner. No more AOL.
Kristoff: lol I hadn't heard about that
Sawa: They're dumping them on their ass because they've squandered so much money. Yeah. :D
Kristoff: that's awesome. fucking aol. I'm back to listening to the badger thing.
Sawa: XD I watch that thing daily.
Kristoff: it's freaking awesome. MAGIC. FUCKING. MUSHROOM. BITCH.
Lynxtor: HI LOUTS. i mean. SPHXYX
Sawa: :DDD
BdLeUvEl: oh great satan, my friend needs help with women. could you give some good advice?
Sawa: Be yourself. Lying is the first step to taking control of any situation. Make sure you know who's paying for what beforehand. Open the door for her to get a feel for how well-mannered she wants you to be. Be her bitch until you start fucking, then you can do what you like.
Gah: would your boyfriend get the slightest bit jealous if we MADE PASSIONATE LOVE TO EACH OTHER FOR FIFTEEN STRAIGHT HOURS!? BECAUSE IF SO HE HAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE I LAST FIFTEEN SECONDS KERPOW
Sawa: :D
Gah: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10
Sawa: /flashes tits ;o
Gah: 3, 2, 1. o:
Sawa: spooge?
Gah: SPSPPPPFFFFFFF OH FFFFFFFFF SHIT. OH MY GOD. kinda.
Sawa: cool.
Gah: was more of a "FFFFFFPPPPPOORORRRRROOOASSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH HHHHHSSSHHHHH... *drip drip*" why aren't you asleep, missy?
Sawa: cause i'm working with nomad on the script for FS Matrix
Gah: i have A SANDWICH. SANDWICH.
Sawa: oooh. i'd like a sandwich. A VIC SANDWICH.
Gah: ;oo SANDWICHED BETWEEN WHAT EXACTLY
Sawa: ME AND YOU :o
Gah: wtf... somesort.. of come on.
Sawa: yes.
Gah: searching brain for logical riposte. searching... you have encountered an error. BLAST.
Sawa: TEE HEE ^_^
Gah: aggh my kitty is all "feed me". and i'm all "GO AWAY." and he's all "feed me feed me feed me FEED ME FEED ME." and i'm all "GET THE FUCK OFF MY DESK I HATE YOU."
Sawa: i'm eating as i type. i burned the fucking noodles >.> first time i ever have. EVER. so i had to scrape the pot.
Nomad: sometimes i doubt your maturity
Sawa: :Nomad: don't worry though. think of it this way: you'll never be as worse off as me
Sawa: how so ;o
Nomad: you just won't. you know all those laws of math and physics and chemistry? it's like that
Sawa: oh. okay.
Cornelius: But how are you spending your time
Sawa: Scripting FS Matrix, racking my brain for ideas.
Cornelius: I don't mean to sound negative, but I have this feeling in the back of my brain that it won't get off the ground. God, that sounded negative no matter what. What do you think will happen with FS matrix.
Sawa: I think we'll finish it. Honestly. We're about a fourth of the way through the script.
Cornelius: you finish it and I'll get serious about re-starting on the music making. how's that for a propsition.
Sawa: Deal.
Cornelius: aces.
---
Cornelius: Do you ever think about murdering people? like in a serious manner?
Sawa: yeah.
Cornelius: You ever plan it all out in your head? The perfect crime. Like Dostoyevsky.
Sawa: when my boyfriend and i weren't together for those five months, i **CENSORED CENSORED**. all in my head that was. i've planned others before.
Cornelius: I was walking home from a poetry reading and these two drunk girls asked me what I was up to, they were looking for booze mostly from me. But I imagined myself letting them in, then taking one into the bathtub and slicing her throat then doing the same to the other. then just running the shower on them until the blood hardened and drained out, then burying them behind the wooded area near my house and covering their bodies with lye and planting a tree over them. I think I would have gotten busted
Sawa: that sounds awesome. but yeah, if they had reasonable cause to search your house, you're fucked. blood leaves behind a certain protein or something that glows bright green when covered in some sort of chemical and black lights are shone on it even if you "cleaned up"
Cornelius: eep, very true. I wonder if it's possible to use some sort of abraisive on it or something, or bleach. something must get that protein out.
---
Cornelius: Goodnight nigg
Sawa: night ;o
Cornelius: Don't stress your brain or I'll be forced to eat glass.
Sawa: Alright.
Cornelius: eat. fucking. glass.
Sawa: gotcha
Cornelius: anyways. take care adrienne. good sex and all that mumbo shitbo.
Sawa: LOVE YOU
Taisa: i lubble you more. more. most. morest. MOREST.
Sawa: :3
Taisa: DONT MAKE ME MOREST YOU.
Now let's never mention this night again.
I am so secretive. You'd never even guess.
9.16.2003
Sawa: schmitt giggles, which in turn makes ME giggle
Vic: :o
Sawa: so both of us are sitting here giggling like little school girls
Vic: thats pretty hot
Sawa: the best part is that i AM a little school girl. i'm 5' 2" and i start classes in six days
Vic: !
Sawa: AND i have a school girl outfit
Vic: !!!!!! ..5'2" ..no wonder I flirt with you all the time
Sawa: :D
Vic: why must short girls be so adorable ;_;
Sawa: we are made of magic :3
Vic: figures
9.15.2003
like any uncharted territory
i must seem greatly intriguing
"My screen name got hacked into; so if you get a weird series of IMs from Petit Violiniste, it's not me. It's Adrienne, or one of her friends. She's messed with my shit again, and I changed my s/n now. Email me at strad_dreamer@hotmail.com and Ill give you my new s/n."
*innocent look* What a pity.
..Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? TEE HEE.
It's just too bad Anji was wrong about what she told "you", isn't it? I hope she sees that, and takes note.
what a beautiful day
i'm the king of all time
and nothing is impossible
in my all-powerful mind
i must seem greatly intriguing
"My screen name got hacked into; so if you get a weird series of IMs from Petit Violiniste, it's not me. It's Adrienne, or one of her friends. She's messed with my shit again, and I changed my s/n now. Email me at strad_dreamer@hotmail.com and Ill give you my new s/n."
*innocent look* What a pity.
..Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? TEE HEE.
It's just too bad Anji was wrong about what she told "you", isn't it? I hope she sees that, and takes note.
what a beautiful day
i'm the king of all time
and nothing is impossible
in my all-powerful mind
9.13.2003
Sawa: http://www.livejournal.com/users/silent_partita
Cornelius: people are silly
Sawa: She makes me want to peel my face off with glass. The world would be better off without her.
---
Cornelius: "There's a Canadian boy in my class who speaks fairly good English, and he happened to be sitting behind me. So she calls on him, and he says, quite matter-of-factly:
"Well..euh..ze man, eef he 'as a smokerrh, he might like herrh. But he might also say, euh, "You smell like zhe death."
No one could figure out why I was laughing myself silly for five minutes after that. They were too busy sending eachother the "crazy-American" look.
..These people are priceless."
I...understand why now.
Sawa: Yes. It gets worse.
Cornelius: It's like someone took my old writing and used a microcamera to take little pictures of it, then ran it through an angstometer, and then kicked it. Writing like this makes me glad erasers and delete buttons exist. I don't know what to say aside from 'failed abortion'.
First best friend: Aja Williams.
First real memory of something: My mother writing my name in big letters on my blankie, telling me that now that I was going to daycare and preschool, I needed to have my name on my stuff or people would take it. I was barely three.
First car: 1980 Oldsmobile Omega. Lewl.
First date: Logan. Fourth grade (for me). Wild Waves.
First real kiss: Josiah, the only person anything's ever been real with.
First break-up: Nick. Fifth grade.
First job: One in which I wasn't paid under the table? Interning at Equus. I miss my $9.00 an hour.
First screen name: v188.
First self purchased album: Modest Mouse - This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About.
First funeral: My great-grandfather's.
First pet: Taipan. Kitty. :3
First piercing/tattoo: Ears when I was eight. On my birthday. Piercings are birthday affairs.
First credit card: N/A. Forever.
First true love: Josiah.
First enemy: Keith. That bastard at the first daycare I ever went to.
First big trip: Canada when I was one.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Frank Sinatra. -_-
Last cigarette: A little over six years ago.
Last big car ride: "Big"? Like how "big"? I drove to Seattle earlier tonight...
Last kiss: About four hours ago. :(
Last good cry: Far too long.
Last library book checked out: The last one I can remember is The Art Of Memory.
Last movie seen: The Mothman Prophecies.
Last beverage drank: Berry White Jones Naturals. <3
Last food consumed: Taco Bell.
Last crush: My Chemistry teacher. (Lewl.)
Last phone call: To my mother asking her to get me unlost.
Last time showered: ...Yester..day?...
Last shoes worn: Muh Vans.
Last cd played: Some mixed something with Jimmy Eat World and Modest Mouse and Hot Hot Heat on it.
Last item bought: Hawaiian Puch @ 7-11.
Last annoyance: Brother reading IM conversations.
Last disappointment: Having to leave Josiah's.
Last soda drank: Amp.
Last time wanting to die: Can't remember.
Last time scolded: September 3rd, for having sex.
Last shirt worn: The one I'm wearing now. ;o
Last website visited: mail.yahoo.com
Cornelius: people are silly
Sawa: She makes me want to peel my face off with glass. The world would be better off without her.
---
Cornelius: "There's a Canadian boy in my class who speaks fairly good English, and he happened to be sitting behind me. So she calls on him, and he says, quite matter-of-factly:
"Well..euh..ze man, eef he 'as a smokerrh, he might like herrh. But he might also say, euh, "You smell like zhe death."
No one could figure out why I was laughing myself silly for five minutes after that. They were too busy sending eachother the "crazy-American" look.
..These people are priceless."
I...understand why now.
Sawa: Yes. It gets worse.
Cornelius: It's like someone took my old writing and used a microcamera to take little pictures of it, then ran it through an angstometer, and then kicked it. Writing like this makes me glad erasers and delete buttons exist. I don't know what to say aside from 'failed abortion'.
<3
First best friend: Aja Williams.
First real memory of something: My mother writing my name in big letters on my blankie, telling me that now that I was going to daycare and preschool, I needed to have my name on my stuff or people would take it. I was barely three.
First car: 1980 Oldsmobile Omega. Lewl.
First date: Logan. Fourth grade (for me). Wild Waves.
First real kiss: Josiah, the only person anything's ever been real with.
First break-up: Nick. Fifth grade.
First job: One in which I wasn't paid under the table? Interning at Equus. I miss my $9.00 an hour.
First screen name: v188.
First self purchased album: Modest Mouse - This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About.
First funeral: My great-grandfather's.
First pet: Taipan. Kitty. :3
First piercing/tattoo: Ears when I was eight. On my birthday. Piercings are birthday affairs.
First credit card: N/A. Forever.
First true love: Josiah.
First enemy: Keith. That bastard at the first daycare I ever went to.
First big trip: Canada when I was one.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Frank Sinatra. -_-
Last cigarette: A little over six years ago.
Last big car ride: "Big"? Like how "big"? I drove to Seattle earlier tonight...
Last kiss: About four hours ago. :(
Last good cry: Far too long.
Last library book checked out: The last one I can remember is The Art Of Memory.
Last movie seen: The Mothman Prophecies.
Last beverage drank: Berry White Jones Naturals. <3
Last food consumed: Taco Bell.
Last crush: My Chemistry teacher. (Lewl.)
Last phone call: To my mother asking her to get me unlost.
Last time showered: ...Yester..day?...
Last shoes worn: Muh Vans.
Last cd played: Some mixed something with Jimmy Eat World and Modest Mouse and Hot Hot Heat on it.
Last item bought: Hawaiian Puch @ 7-11.
Last annoyance: Brother reading IM conversations.
Last disappointment: Having to leave Josiah's.
Last soda drank: Amp.
Last time wanting to die: Can't remember.
Last time scolded: September 3rd, for having sex.
Last shirt worn: The one I'm wearing now. ;o
Last website visited: mail.yahoo.com
9.11.2003
You'll find someone someday that is going to be just as honest as you with no idea what they want or where they're going, but you'll both end up convinced that as long as you drift together, you'll eventually land alright. You'll know them when you see them, you'll feel it. You'll want to kill yourself trying over and over with them if it's necessary. When you find them, don't let go. If there ever is an "after" that one, no one will ever come close.
The problem with today is that so many people mistake other feelings for that one. It's very close to the others, but not the same. It's like you've discovered air and are just learning to breathe. You'll have your own words for it when you find it.
You'll see. They'll turn you inside out. I promise you.
The problem with today is that so many people mistake other feelings for that one. It's very close to the others, but not the same. It's like you've discovered air and are just learning to breathe. You'll have your own words for it when you find it.
You'll see. They'll turn you inside out. I promise you.
9.10.2003
9.09.2003
Let me tell you what's not fun. Waiting for you to respond. THAT IS NOT FUN. AND THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO ALL NIGHT.
Chris is right to leave without saying anything. Chris is right to take his rage out on others. I can't, though, because love makes you weak. It's weights on all your limbs and I feel so weary just lifting my head, raising an arm...
...Someone remind me why I signed on to the FS Matrix project?
I've got the first scene done. I figure if I do at LEAST one a night, Nomadx will be pleased with me. And that means that I have all the rest of that open time to work on the final version of Illusions, i.e. more pretentious crap for everyone to overlook, all the while crossing my fingers in the hopes that I don't hear from Pulp Bits or Word Riot for at least two more days.
So.
Incredibly.
Angry.
Chris is right to leave without saying anything. Chris is right to take his rage out on others. I can't, though, because love makes you weak. It's weights on all your limbs and I feel so weary just lifting my head, raising an arm...
...Someone remind me why I signed on to the FS Matrix project?
I've got the first scene done. I figure if I do at LEAST one a night, Nomadx will be pleased with me. And that means that I have all the rest of that open time to work on the final version of Illusions, i.e. more pretentious crap for everyone to overlook, all the while crossing my fingers in the hopes that I don't hear from Pulp Bits or Word Riot for at least two more days.
So.
Incredibly.
Angry.
Stupidest website ever? Absolutely. Thanks for perpetuating more of the utter tripe you report on. :D!
9.08.2003
Sawa: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/21. That accurately describes my day.
Kristoff: wow...that's a lot of drug use.
Sawa: And probably the best response I've gotten to it.
Kristoff: "wowoooo snake snaaaaake it's a snaaaaaaaaake!" oh man...that's too much fun.
Sawa: I've been listening to this for the last hour straight.
Kristoff: Does this just loop infinitely? ;)
Sawa: Yeah. XD
Kristoff: That's awesome. I'm bookmarking this.
Kristoff: wow...that's a lot of drug use.
Sawa: And probably the best response I've gotten to it.
Kristoff: "wowoooo snake snaaaaake it's a snaaaaaaaaake!" oh man...that's too much fun.
Sawa: I've been listening to this for the last hour straight.
Kristoff: Does this just loop infinitely? ;)
Sawa: Yeah. XD
Kristoff: That's awesome. I'm bookmarking this.
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