Do you want to know my name?
Hot days, hot naked back facing me, push my lips against it, suck the scent of his skin in through my nose and out through my mouth, hot breath on his hot back.
I don't ask him for any pleasure, even though the drive pushes through me, faint but steady, like the pulse inside my limbs. My hair looks like I asked someone mowing their lawn to give my head a once-over. I fear it turns him away from thoughts like my own, so I restrain myself till such a time that I don't look like a mistake. But his sex hangs in front of me, low sometimes, low enough to touch my lips to, and I catch that organic, deep, HIM smell. It's all him. My jaw clenches, knowing I can't taste, nor touch.
He plays those games and all I can do is stare at his legs tangled together, the curve of the back of his head meeting his neck, creeping down his spine to that perfect point of lust neatly hidden from my prying eyes.
Hungry. Moments like these come often. I take great pride in catching him interacting with others and never detecting me watching and recording in my memory of memories the slight shuffle of his feet, the way the bag hangs on his shoulder as I wish I could hang. To kiss between those shoulder blades and touch the soft cilia hairs on his lower back. That's all I ask for now.
You are the dream I never should have caught
Summer's playing on my fingers like whimsical dust motes, like spikes of grass blades, the soft citrus green of fresh leaves. Dancing around in my own head, swaying back and forth in the heat, dragging my head up to note the unearthly blue sky that's notorious for coaxing me to stare till my eyes bleed tears and sting.
Syllables of a language I understand and do not understand. Streams of sounds, long thick lines of them, bold moves of the tongue to replicate. A deliberate pace, not the hyperactivity of Spring, nor the sharper, more contrasted bite of Autumn, but an intentional beating of languid words.
The pop of a tennis racket, water splattering down my chin, hoping somewhere somehow there is still something inside me, some graceful movement or childishly adorable expression upon my face. A tongue sticking out, the small blonde hairs on the back of my wet neck, maybe the hop of my power hit that almost never goes where I want it to. A grunt of exertion firing the ball to the backmost edges of the court, a shout of triumph over the miscommunication between nerves and arms. There has to be something in me I can still enchant him with, but this is just the fear talking. Afraid of him falling out of fascination, but I'm sure that happened a while ago. Nymphet no more, perhaps vestigial reminders in the raising of my left eyebrow or the way my hair is sometimes in my eyes.
Less spark, mostly smoldering now. Let it burn so bright, blow on it, huffing till you can't breathe. I am catching the Juliet vibe again, vibrating with every glance, buzzing like a delirious bee when my arm brushes against his. The crack of lightning, a magnet in the center of me pulling me inexorably to him. Feels so good to feel like I could. Just. Devour him.
And I'll come running just to do it again
A text file from him, February 19th, signed Forever Yours. Glimmer of hope.
Irony of ironies, Ride was completed around the time we first came together. We're going for a Ride, my Gloves.
God, how I wish he felt what I did when I look at him.
6.20.2006
Self-doubt is an awesome motivator.
Why did I think Doll Freak was a good name for this story? It's like one of those moments where, afterward, you thank the ground you're standing on that you weren't in a tattoo shop or jewelry store. The damage could have been so much worse.
I'm glad I internalized most of all of that, and spared most of my friends as well. I thought things had changed. Alas.
As a self-tailored test of how much I've changed, I'm going to fill this out again with how my situation is now compared to what it was then in regard to whatever the particular sentence involves.
Still not enough money to pay off hosting. I'd apologize, but I seriously didn't care that this wasn't up anymore.
100 things about me:
1) my pockets are my backpack now, and i hate the way things fit inside them and make my hips look wider than they are.
2) i want to go everywhere. everywhere.
3) i read what are, in my opinion, the greats of the written word, so that i might emulate them even the tiniest bit in everything that i create.
4) i listen to pretty much whatever, and have forgone listening to music nearly as much as i used to (though a little shimmer of the old obsessions perked up in trip-hop).
5) i am the retired cheshire cat to a now small, dull, boring alice.
6) i still fucking hate 80's music.
7) i wish i had the energy to look for new music to listen to.
8) i need new clothes.
9) i need to live in a new town.
10) it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car.
11) i used to wear vans. now i wear whatever's cheapest. (usually chucks.)
12) i haven't owned a working CD player since i was 16.
13) i used to stay home when i knew i needed a break. now i just go anyway.
14) i've never taken standardized testing seriously.
15) i'm done exploring relationship possibilities with anyone else outside the context of vague friendship.
16) i'm very picky about the pens i choose to write with.
17) i've lived in more than 10 places and never exactly where i wanted to be in the first place.
18) my first friend was aja williams.
19) i bit my brother the first time i ever met him.
20) the mere mention of rings is a reminder that i am not human and destined to exist outside the laws of normal human behavior and interaction.
21) i danced a mixture of ballet, tap, and jazz for eight years, and was consequently outcasted for being younger than everyone else.
22) i no longer want to dance at huge parties and let the music seep into my every cell because i'm more concerned with how i look now.
23) i'm back to not enjoying being touched anymore.
24) i will mourn the inability to dye my hair once i'm out of college.
25) i used to climb trees spontaneously.
26) i really seriously care what i look like now and make efforts to produce an image that represents me.
27) sometimes i don't have enough money to eat.
28) i can keep secrets. when i know they're supposed to be secrets.
29) i'm not so honest or forthcoming anymore because it hurts me too much to hear the responses to my own honesty.
30) half the time i end up growing to like those songs i have shaky opinions on at first.
31) my grade in any class depends heavily upon my motivation to get to japan.
32) i'm rarely sick, and i never mention it unless it gets to the point where i can barely function.
33) i hate having my period and take risk with my already flimsy chance of fertility by skipping my birth control placebos.
34) i treat my pets better because i'll be leaving them behind soon and i'm consciously aware of it every time i'm around them.
35) the worst day of my life can no longer be accurately documented because pretty much November 2005 to this present day have been the worst consecutive days of my life. and i seriously doubt anything short of josiah dying will beat them.
36) i bought britney spears' first cd.
37) i do crazy things for love.
38) my walls are not white and i enjoy them much more because of it.
39) i've given myself the majority of scars i have.
40) i hate taking showers unless i'm cooling off on a hot day or after getting some exercise.
41) i love wearing the right kinds of clothes and find cotton very comfortable.
42) i try to eat as healthy as possible.
43) deep down, i know i can write well.
44) i think real moans from guys are sexy and they turn me on a lot.
45) topping and bottoming are a distant whimsy to electric, passionate, combative love.
46) i arrogantly tell people i'm better than i know i am.
47) i have an online journal a handful of you know about.
48) i beta tested redmoon. it sucked.
49) a fourth of my day is spent thinking up things i can write about. a third of it is spent wishing i had some fitting music to listen to.
50) my comfort food is a huge plate of pasta with olive oil and parmesan cheese.
51) the one thing i hate more than anything else is knowing that i'm not what he wants anymore and knowing that he would change me back to who he thought i used to be in a heartbeat.
52) my first fourth grade teacher told me i'd either be a best-selling author or a brain surgeon.
53) i'm so fucking tired of listening to people talk.
54) i'm either going to have kids by the time i'm 26 or not have kids at all.
55) i love horror movies, but only when i'm steeled against any kind of being frightened over them.
56) i don't remember meeting anyone that wasn't white till fifth grade.
57) i'm scared that i'm going to leave my cats with someone who will give them away while i'm in japan.
58) i got a hundred or so pages into war and peace before i stopped. it was good, but i was reading it in a race against another person, and that is not a book that should be involved in a race of any kind.
59) i think descartes made the same assumption we all do in order to move on with his theory on god.
60) i hate the smell of new cars with a passion. it makes me nauseous.
61) i lost my first and last state spelling bee competition in third grade because the girl i was paired up with misspelled afternoon.
62) i played the flute in fifth grade and half of sixth. i dropped out of band because it was too easy and i really wanted to play the steel drums instead.
63) i try to be non-intrusive and inconspicuous whenever possible.
64) the last time i set foot in a library was over a year ago.
65) my sneezes sound like coughs. sometimes people ask me if it was a cough or a sneeze and i get embarrassed because i never learned how to sneeze properly.
66) i hate overly dramatic everything.
67) i also hate flagrant optimists and how their every decision is influenced by it.
68) i manage to scare bland people, i suppose. don't really scare anyone anymore.
69) every therapist to date has suggested i'm anything from chronically depressed to schizophrenic and hyperparanoid.
70) i answer the phone most times now and have little problem talking on it.
71) i used to steal small things from people's houses that i'll never visit again.
72) i do not have a tv in my room and haven't since i moved out.
73) i love it when josiah plays with my hair once a year and cherish the moment more than i should.
74) i have screens on my windows. i now feel a sense of appretiation for them after going without for 9 months.
75) this one used to contain a disgusting word that i don't even care to know the real definition for anymore.
76) i have a favorite direction: left. and it's still left. though i'm leaning back towards right again.
77) i've panned garnet out of a river. i even kept some, but i don't know where it is.
78) i was on the student council in second grade and fifth grade. fat lot of good that did me. all i got out of it was a big head and a distaste for political arguments.
79) in all reality, i have no control over my relationship, and attempt to act like someone he would enjoy, then recoil at my horrific mistakes and work for months trying to reverse them.
80) i can read palms and tarot cards to an extent. i don't anymore because i never decided whether we actually have a hand in how the cards turn.
81) i used to want to be cher from clueless. now i just wish i knew how to walk in high heels or owned a dress i liked and that fit me.
82) the only thing that i've owned my entire life is my blankie, and myself, for what i'm worth.
83) i got a kill count of over 10000 on multiplayer perfect dark over the course of one summer.
84) i've been skinnydipping in a glacier lake in the mountains, and in a hot tub in the middle of the day at an apartment complex.
85) i've always lived a couple blocks from some body of water, be it lake, river, or ocean, until i moved to seattle, ironically.
86) i never stopped playing with dolls, i guess, since i play the sims 2. it's more like i want to control something and place myself in shoes and bodies and lives of people that i just can't be. and do things that i am frightened to do.
87) my own first pet died while i was away at my father's house.
88) i got the first holes in my ears repierced on my ninth birthday, and replaced them with 6g holes with flared eyelets when i was 18.
89) i can't believe i used to watch trl on mtv. i must've been really bored in middle school.
90) i have very little in storage now and what's left of it is of the utmost importance.
91) i've never finished a game of monopoly.
92) remembering a time that i saw someone when they were still alive is yet another reminder of my own mortality and how i am wasting my god damn time not doing things that i've resigned to doing "eventually."
93) i haven't played an xbox anything. none of the games are good enough to attract my attention.
94) i love playing rummy.
95) i once developed a temporary habit of dating everyone that kelly broke up with.
96) my goal in life used to be to be happy and know the truth.
97) i don't honestly care about many people. in fact, humans are disgusting and sometimes i find myself repulsed at my own thoughts and actions and visage.
98) i used to hike the entire two mile trail at seahurst beach barefoot. sometimes with my brother, sometimes not even on the trail. i made my own path the first time and wore it into the side of the hill and the thick forest foliage every time thereafter.
99) i conducted the entire prosecution of a mock trial on my own in fourth grade because my partner never showed up. and lost by one vote.
100) i have a tendency to make fun of most everything and everyone, especially myself.
So I guess I have changed quite a bit.
Still not enough money to pay off hosting. I'd apologize, but I seriously didn't care that this wasn't up anymore. If you're reading this, well, maybe it'll encourage Josiah to place his back up too.
Why did I think Doll Freak was a good name for this story? It's like one of those moments where, afterward, you thank the ground you're standing on that you weren't in a tattoo shop or jewelry store. The damage could have been so much worse.
I'm glad I internalized most of all of that, and spared most of my friends as well. I thought things had changed. Alas.
As a self-tailored test of how much I've changed, I'm going to fill this out again with how my situation is now compared to what it was then in regard to whatever the particular sentence involves.
Still not enough money to pay off hosting. I'd apologize, but I seriously didn't care that this wasn't up anymore.
100 things about me:
1) my pockets are my backpack now, and i hate the way things fit inside them and make my hips look wider than they are.
2) i want to go everywhere. everywhere.
3) i read what are, in my opinion, the greats of the written word, so that i might emulate them even the tiniest bit in everything that i create.
4) i listen to pretty much whatever, and have forgone listening to music nearly as much as i used to (though a little shimmer of the old obsessions perked up in trip-hop).
5) i am the retired cheshire cat to a now small, dull, boring alice.
6) i still fucking hate 80's music.
7) i wish i had the energy to look for new music to listen to.
8) i need new clothes.
9) i need to live in a new town.
10) it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car.
11) i used to wear vans. now i wear whatever's cheapest. (usually chucks.)
12) i haven't owned a working CD player since i was 16.
13) i used to stay home when i knew i needed a break. now i just go anyway.
14) i've never taken standardized testing seriously.
15) i'm done exploring relationship possibilities with anyone else outside the context of vague friendship.
16) i'm very picky about the pens i choose to write with.
17) i've lived in more than 10 places and never exactly where i wanted to be in the first place.
18) my first friend was aja williams.
19) i bit my brother the first time i ever met him.
20) the mere mention of rings is a reminder that i am not human and destined to exist outside the laws of normal human behavior and interaction.
21) i danced a mixture of ballet, tap, and jazz for eight years, and was consequently outcasted for being younger than everyone else.
22) i no longer want to dance at huge parties and let the music seep into my every cell because i'm more concerned with how i look now.
23) i'm back to not enjoying being touched anymore.
24) i will mourn the inability to dye my hair once i'm out of college.
25) i used to climb trees spontaneously.
26) i really seriously care what i look like now and make efforts to produce an image that represents me.
27) sometimes i don't have enough money to eat.
28) i can keep secrets. when i know they're supposed to be secrets.
29) i'm not so honest or forthcoming anymore because it hurts me too much to hear the responses to my own honesty.
30) half the time i end up growing to like those songs i have shaky opinions on at first.
31) my grade in any class depends heavily upon my motivation to get to japan.
32) i'm rarely sick, and i never mention it unless it gets to the point where i can barely function.
33) i hate having my period and take risk with my already flimsy chance of fertility by skipping my birth control placebos.
34) i treat my pets better because i'll be leaving them behind soon and i'm consciously aware of it every time i'm around them.
35) the worst day of my life can no longer be accurately documented because pretty much November 2005 to this present day have been the worst consecutive days of my life. and i seriously doubt anything short of josiah dying will beat them.
36) i bought britney spears' first cd.
37) i do crazy things for love.
38) my walls are not white and i enjoy them much more because of it.
39) i've given myself the majority of scars i have.
40) i hate taking showers unless i'm cooling off on a hot day or after getting some exercise.
41) i love wearing the right kinds of clothes and find cotton very comfortable.
42) i try to eat as healthy as possible.
43) deep down, i know i can write well.
44) i think real moans from guys are sexy and they turn me on a lot.
45) topping and bottoming are a distant whimsy to electric, passionate, combative love.
46) i arrogantly tell people i'm better than i know i am.
47) i have an online journal a handful of you know about.
48) i beta tested redmoon. it sucked.
49) a fourth of my day is spent thinking up things i can write about. a third of it is spent wishing i had some fitting music to listen to.
50) my comfort food is a huge plate of pasta with olive oil and parmesan cheese.
51) the one thing i hate more than anything else is knowing that i'm not what he wants anymore and knowing that he would change me back to who he thought i used to be in a heartbeat.
52) my first fourth grade teacher told me i'd either be a best-selling author or a brain surgeon.
53) i'm so fucking tired of listening to people talk.
54) i'm either going to have kids by the time i'm 26 or not have kids at all.
55) i love horror movies, but only when i'm steeled against any kind of being frightened over them.
56) i don't remember meeting anyone that wasn't white till fifth grade.
57) i'm scared that i'm going to leave my cats with someone who will give them away while i'm in japan.
58) i got a hundred or so pages into war and peace before i stopped. it was good, but i was reading it in a race against another person, and that is not a book that should be involved in a race of any kind.
59) i think descartes made the same assumption we all do in order to move on with his theory on god.
60) i hate the smell of new cars with a passion. it makes me nauseous.
61) i lost my first and last state spelling bee competition in third grade because the girl i was paired up with misspelled afternoon.
62) i played the flute in fifth grade and half of sixth. i dropped out of band because it was too easy and i really wanted to play the steel drums instead.
63) i try to be non-intrusive and inconspicuous whenever possible.
64) the last time i set foot in a library was over a year ago.
65) my sneezes sound like coughs. sometimes people ask me if it was a cough or a sneeze and i get embarrassed because i never learned how to sneeze properly.
66) i hate overly dramatic everything.
67) i also hate flagrant optimists and how their every decision is influenced by it.
68) i manage to scare bland people, i suppose. don't really scare anyone anymore.
69) every therapist to date has suggested i'm anything from chronically depressed to schizophrenic and hyperparanoid.
70) i answer the phone most times now and have little problem talking on it.
71) i used to steal small things from people's houses that i'll never visit again.
72) i do not have a tv in my room and haven't since i moved out.
73) i love it when josiah plays with my hair once a year and cherish the moment more than i should.
74) i have screens on my windows. i now feel a sense of appretiation for them after going without for 9 months.
75) this one used to contain a disgusting word that i don't even care to know the real definition for anymore.
76) i have a favorite direction: left. and it's still left. though i'm leaning back towards right again.
77) i've panned garnet out of a river. i even kept some, but i don't know where it is.
78) i was on the student council in second grade and fifth grade. fat lot of good that did me. all i got out of it was a big head and a distaste for political arguments.
79) in all reality, i have no control over my relationship, and attempt to act like someone he would enjoy, then recoil at my horrific mistakes and work for months trying to reverse them.
80) i can read palms and tarot cards to an extent. i don't anymore because i never decided whether we actually have a hand in how the cards turn.
81) i used to want to be cher from clueless. now i just wish i knew how to walk in high heels or owned a dress i liked and that fit me.
82) the only thing that i've owned my entire life is my blankie, and myself, for what i'm worth.
83) i got a kill count of over 10000 on multiplayer perfect dark over the course of one summer.
84) i've been skinnydipping in a glacier lake in the mountains, and in a hot tub in the middle of the day at an apartment complex.
85) i've always lived a couple blocks from some body of water, be it lake, river, or ocean, until i moved to seattle, ironically.
86) i never stopped playing with dolls, i guess, since i play the sims 2. it's more like i want to control something and place myself in shoes and bodies and lives of people that i just can't be. and do things that i am frightened to do.
87) my own first pet died while i was away at my father's house.
88) i got the first holes in my ears repierced on my ninth birthday, and replaced them with 6g holes with flared eyelets when i was 18.
89) i can't believe i used to watch trl on mtv. i must've been really bored in middle school.
90) i have very little in storage now and what's left of it is of the utmost importance.
91) i've never finished a game of monopoly.
92) remembering a time that i saw someone when they were still alive is yet another reminder of my own mortality and how i am wasting my god damn time not doing things that i've resigned to doing "eventually."
93) i haven't played an xbox anything. none of the games are good enough to attract my attention.
94) i love playing rummy.
95) i once developed a temporary habit of dating everyone that kelly broke up with.
96) my goal in life used to be to be happy and know the truth.
97) i don't honestly care about many people. in fact, humans are disgusting and sometimes i find myself repulsed at my own thoughts and actions and visage.
98) i used to hike the entire two mile trail at seahurst beach barefoot. sometimes with my brother, sometimes not even on the trail. i made my own path the first time and wore it into the side of the hill and the thick forest foliage every time thereafter.
99) i conducted the entire prosecution of a mock trial on my own in fourth grade because my partner never showed up. and lost by one vote.
100) i have a tendency to make fun of most everything and everyone, especially myself.
So I guess I have changed quite a bit.
Still not enough money to pay off hosting. I'd apologize, but I seriously didn't care that this wasn't up anymore. If you're reading this, well, maybe it'll encourage Josiah to place his back up too.
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