Ran into Hayley and Jade(?) and someone else today.
Oh, if I'd just side-swiped them a bit...
At least I think it was Jade, but I couldn't tell with all of the ugly longish hair in her face.
God, I'm starving.
8.19.2004
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.
01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, and free of cost (less tits plz)
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast ..sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/nails/eyelashes in the past year
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look sometimes
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Livejournal
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God (AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza (omg you sad sorry fucks who've never heard of pagliacci)
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.
01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, and free of cost (less tits plz)
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast ..sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/nails/eyelashes in the past year
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look sometimes
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Livejournal
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God (AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza (omg you sad sorry fucks who've never heard of pagliacci)
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
8.15.2004
Blue night over the sky
Blue night over me
As much as I dislike admitting it, my life was falling back into the routine I thought I had escaped. This city had been lauded to me as the cure for my personalized rut, faceless and ambiguous. It was one that you can only trace back to the fact that going downhill at that moment was easiest, and you’d been worn out from trying to keep a good grip anyhow. The sort of valley that, once you look up to the high peaks around you, feels more like the bottom of a well than a field of posies.
Disappeared out of the window
Me with hands hidden under my cheek
I think about my day
Today and yesterday
Instead, I lay on the floor of my apartment, tracing out the texture on the ceiling into clouds. Tricking myself into thinking that I was in that imagined field, upon a bed of soft grasses and those flowers swaying in small zephyrs. All I wanted to do was be somewhere safe and very far away from where my freshly painted apartment was.
I put on my blue nighties
Go straight to bed
I pull the soft covers over
Close my eyes
I hide my head under the covers
Those clouds floated above me every single day. I would go to work, come home, bathe myself and lay on the floor naked and wet, staring at all of them. No matter what kind of day I had, regardless of what anyone said or did to me, the clouds were there for me, always reminding me that something better was waiting for me somewhere, perhaps behind the rolling hills, and all I had to do was stand up and go find it.
Returned again and everything is okay
Still there is something missing
Like all the walls
She writes and she writes and she writes and it is all beautiful.
Blue night over me
As much as I dislike admitting it, my life was falling back into the routine I thought I had escaped. This city had been lauded to me as the cure for my personalized rut, faceless and ambiguous. It was one that you can only trace back to the fact that going downhill at that moment was easiest, and you’d been worn out from trying to keep a good grip anyhow. The sort of valley that, once you look up to the high peaks around you, feels more like the bottom of a well than a field of posies.
Disappeared out of the window
Me with hands hidden under my cheek
I think about my day
Today and yesterday
Instead, I lay on the floor of my apartment, tracing out the texture on the ceiling into clouds. Tricking myself into thinking that I was in that imagined field, upon a bed of soft grasses and those flowers swaying in small zephyrs. All I wanted to do was be somewhere safe and very far away from where my freshly painted apartment was.
I put on my blue nighties
Go straight to bed
I pull the soft covers over
Close my eyes
I hide my head under the covers
Those clouds floated above me every single day. I would go to work, come home, bathe myself and lay on the floor naked and wet, staring at all of them. No matter what kind of day I had, regardless of what anyone said or did to me, the clouds were there for me, always reminding me that something better was waiting for me somewhere, perhaps behind the rolling hills, and all I had to do was stand up and go find it.
Returned again and everything is okay
Still there is something missing
Like all the walls
She writes and she writes and she writes and it is all beautiful.
8.13.2004
Uuuuuuuuuugh.
Why are you like this.
I hate you. I don't like you. At all.
A million miles below their feet
A million miles
A million miles
Give me back last summer.
I can't make sentences, the ones I want to convey the meaning of come out wrong. Thinking about asking Melissa if I can crash at her apartment, because I'm far away from him and he can't control me from over there. I don't even want him near me, for fear that I'll tweak and hurt him while he sleeps, I hate him that much. I want to put all those rusty knives with the water spots in him, grab for the forks and the exacto blade and the razors when I run out of those. I want him to feel as bad as I have, do, am, will.
Oh, big blue eyes. Huge eyes. Put me tummy-down on my beach towel and guide the droplets of ocean down my back to pool delicately. Peek at me through the blades. Hold my hand and fall asleep.
GIVE ME BACK LAST SUMMER.
Give me Anna. Give me silly books about black cats and exposed endings and hot cocoa whenever I please, give me a thousand brilliant sunsets and a score of friends in tune with each other and the ground we sleep on. Give me to the water, the sky, mosquito bites, a packed down field with lumps of weeds and soccer balls and a crescent of sleeping backs, half-naked children and first kisses and back massages and silly meaningless jokes. Give me back Chispa and her husband in Iraq till Christmas. Give me my little things, my soft things, my glowing clouds and my paint-spattered clouds and my games of speed and bare feet everywhere I go, give me my signature in the Nature Nook while the kids played with dye and watered each other to the soul.
Give me a pregnancy and loud conversations about anything, anything. Give me a beautiful smile and harsh words and the one line sung so loud everyone laughs to the floor. Give me last summer, and I'll make you a deal, you can have this one. This worthless one full of resentment. You can have this bundle of nerves, I'll take a paid vacation on the beach any month of the year. I'll take kids and their quirks over adults and their falseness. Give me a midnight talk under cover of distance, give me more conversations than I can keep track of, give me a group of people I hate and would never do without, give me a new reality. Give me last summer.
Take these remorseful, angry tears. Give me last summer.
why can't life be better?
Why are you like this.
I hate you. I don't like you. At all.
A million miles below their feet
A million miles
A million miles
Give me back last summer.
I can't make sentences, the ones I want to convey the meaning of come out wrong. Thinking about asking Melissa if I can crash at her apartment, because I'm far away from him and he can't control me from over there. I don't even want him near me, for fear that I'll tweak and hurt him while he sleeps, I hate him that much. I want to put all those rusty knives with the water spots in him, grab for the forks and the exacto blade and the razors when I run out of those. I want him to feel as bad as I have, do, am, will.
Oh, big blue eyes. Huge eyes. Put me tummy-down on my beach towel and guide the droplets of ocean down my back to pool delicately. Peek at me through the blades. Hold my hand and fall asleep.
GIVE ME BACK LAST SUMMER.
Give me Anna. Give me silly books about black cats and exposed endings and hot cocoa whenever I please, give me a thousand brilliant sunsets and a score of friends in tune with each other and the ground we sleep on. Give me to the water, the sky, mosquito bites, a packed down field with lumps of weeds and soccer balls and a crescent of sleeping backs, half-naked children and first kisses and back massages and silly meaningless jokes. Give me back Chispa and her husband in Iraq till Christmas. Give me my little things, my soft things, my glowing clouds and my paint-spattered clouds and my games of speed and bare feet everywhere I go, give me my signature in the Nature Nook while the kids played with dye and watered each other to the soul.
Give me a pregnancy and loud conversations about anything, anything. Give me a beautiful smile and harsh words and the one line sung so loud everyone laughs to the floor. Give me last summer, and I'll make you a deal, you can have this one. This worthless one full of resentment. You can have this bundle of nerves, I'll take a paid vacation on the beach any month of the year. I'll take kids and their quirks over adults and their falseness. Give me a midnight talk under cover of distance, give me more conversations than I can keep track of, give me a group of people I hate and would never do without, give me a new reality. Give me last summer.
Take these remorseful, angry tears. Give me last summer.
why can't life be better?
8.09.2004
Me: lael got the job with the nine year old. i like how they didn't even call me. that's number four.
Taisa: :( i think it's her purse. they're liek 'o you have an expensive purse' and the end as nothing makes sense anymore.
Number four meaning the number of time's I've been turned down, not to mention the other couple who never called, and the fact that, after meeting them, I'm not going to work with kids under three. On top of this, Lael's a selfish, paranoid bitch, so there goes another person I thought was sane enough to talk to. Let me tell you a story about that last one. -_-
Lael (20 years old) and I (17 years old) were contacted about caring 20-25 hours a week for Ben (9 year old boy). I mentioned this, she had said she really wanted things to work out with this kid beforehand and I realized they might be the same kid. Turns out it was. She and I were fibbing on our resumés at the time, her without my help, and me because I needed her to pose as a contact to put in a good enough word for me so people would change their minds if need be.
I called her about it numerous times and left her a message when she stopped calling back. I told her I needed to be in touch with her, and there she was leaving her phone off, or not answering, just plain ignoring me. All day. She IMs me a day later in psycho bitch mode, furious that I would try and cut in on her kid, and why wouldn't I just back down? I pointed out that she was being extremely selfish and uncaring (in reference to the kid and what his parents want), but she continued her tirade of guilt-tripping and whatnot.
Anyway, I just can't talk to her anymore. It'd be like any normal person trying to approach someone with unmedicated shizophrenia. She acted completely irrationally (like a woman, hah). Whatever. I'm far more resourceful.
Well... at least I drew something I like today. It was pretty heavily inspired by something Vera did a while back, but I really like how I changed the way her face looks. I'll webcomic you all yet.
Hopefully.
I need to finish my story though. :|
And omg the hard drives and other things get here today. :3 Josiah bought a bunch of stuff for a new computer for him and a hard drive for me, which means we have three functional computers now. I was thinking we could use the case I have sitting around, but the inside chassey's all fucked up and it's not very accessible, so forget that.
Taisa: :( i think it's her purse. they're liek 'o you have an expensive purse' and the end as nothing makes sense anymore.
Number four meaning the number of time's I've been turned down, not to mention the other couple who never called, and the fact that, after meeting them, I'm not going to work with kids under three. On top of this, Lael's a selfish, paranoid bitch, so there goes another person I thought was sane enough to talk to. Let me tell you a story about that last one. -_-
Lael (20 years old) and I (17 years old) were contacted about caring 20-25 hours a week for Ben (9 year old boy). I mentioned this, she had said she really wanted things to work out with this kid beforehand and I realized they might be the same kid. Turns out it was. She and I were fibbing on our resumés at the time, her without my help, and me because I needed her to pose as a contact to put in a good enough word for me so people would change their minds if need be.
I called her about it numerous times and left her a message when she stopped calling back. I told her I needed to be in touch with her, and there she was leaving her phone off, or not answering, just plain ignoring me. All day. She IMs me a day later in psycho bitch mode, furious that I would try and cut in on her kid, and why wouldn't I just back down? I pointed out that she was being extremely selfish and uncaring (in reference to the kid and what his parents want), but she continued her tirade of guilt-tripping and whatnot.
Anyway, I just can't talk to her anymore. It'd be like any normal person trying to approach someone with unmedicated shizophrenia. She acted completely irrationally (like a woman, hah). Whatever. I'm far more resourceful.
Well... at least I drew something I like today. It was pretty heavily inspired by something Vera did a while back, but I really like how I changed the way her face looks. I'll webcomic you all yet.
Hopefully.
I need to finish my story though. :|
And omg the hard drives and other things get here today. :3 Josiah bought a bunch of stuff for a new computer for him and a hard drive for me, which means we have three functional computers now. I was thinking we could use the case I have sitting around, but the inside chassey's all fucked up and it's not very accessible, so forget that.
8.08.2004
And he was.
He was laughing with every drink
Here we go again, she thinks
Now down into the hole again
Every worthless word they'd pen
Degradation, wrath and spite
And both are thinking, no, I'm right
Nightly tearing down the other
Reaching out to choke or smother
Clawing, pulling, pinching, biting
Falling as they both are writing
Snipes and jabs, endless torture
Bleeding hearts and tepid water
Reaching down into each depth
Struggling to catch a breath
Defense up, offenses out
Flooding rooms with word of mouth
And here she is, screaming in pain
I NEVER WANTED THIS, YOU MAIM
THE SOUL IN ME AND I WON'T HAVE IT
And he proclaims, you're full of shit
You're just a child, calm yourself now
Your words mean nothing, saying how
You'd leave me at a moment's notice
You really wouldn't leave at all
She rises to her feet, stands tall
At least as tall as she can stand
I despise upon my side your brand
A sickly declaration of life
And all it means is endless strife
The closest I could get to good
When all the world before me stood
A worthless quest with empty treasure
Far below the lowest pleasure
Meaningless, and in the end
We'll only do the same again
So leave it all here to die
And piteously weakened there, I
Lay my soul flat out beside
As well my heart, and then to hide
For without black what is white?
And without the floor what is height?
I'm lost without your hate, you see
And withouth you there is no me
I can't bring myself to scream as loud as I am hurting. My lungs and vocal chords won't allow it.
And here I was afraid that I would be so happy that I'd have no ill emotion from which to draw the tools I write my stories with.
I defy you, stars.
He was laughing with every drink
Here we go again, she thinks
Now down into the hole again
Every worthless word they'd pen
Degradation, wrath and spite
And both are thinking, no, I'm right
Nightly tearing down the other
Reaching out to choke or smother
Clawing, pulling, pinching, biting
Falling as they both are writing
Snipes and jabs, endless torture
Bleeding hearts and tepid water
Reaching down into each depth
Struggling to catch a breath
Defense up, offenses out
Flooding rooms with word of mouth
And here she is, screaming in pain
I NEVER WANTED THIS, YOU MAIM
THE SOUL IN ME AND I WON'T HAVE IT
And he proclaims, you're full of shit
You're just a child, calm yourself now
Your words mean nothing, saying how
You'd leave me at a moment's notice
You really wouldn't leave at all
She rises to her feet, stands tall
At least as tall as she can stand
I despise upon my side your brand
A sickly declaration of life
And all it means is endless strife
The closest I could get to good
When all the world before me stood
A worthless quest with empty treasure
Far below the lowest pleasure
Meaningless, and in the end
We'll only do the same again
So leave it all here to die
And piteously weakened there, I
Lay my soul flat out beside
As well my heart, and then to hide
For without black what is white?
And without the floor what is height?
I'm lost without your hate, you see
And withouth you there is no me
I can't bring myself to scream as loud as I am hurting. My lungs and vocal chords won't allow it.
And here I was afraid that I would be so happy that I'd have no ill emotion from which to draw the tools I write my stories with.
I defy you, stars.
8.07.2004
Blogger still has not changed the way they allow you to compose. I'm disgusted, and have resorted to the edit HTML box, which will have to fucking do, I guess, if they're not interested in pleasing customers.
I haven't been proofreading my blogs. Christ. Errors abound. I'm disgusted again.
Lael shows her true colors, and I am disgusted a third time.
Intolerable events!
My parents threw away a bag of posters worth over $50, or priceless if you want to include the drawings from people and so on. Not to mention the bag of clothes they tossed as well. I have a million shirts and one pair of pants. Lovely. Just. Fucking. Lovely.
Nothing I really want to drink here, was thinking about running out for a moment and getting some Coke or Mountain Dew, but it's not like I need it right now, and there's Aquarius in the fridge.
We have this lovely Hpnotiq sitting in the fridge, alongside some sort of brandy that Damien loves, and the biggest bottle of Grey Goose I've ever seen in my life. Great demons in Hell, is it ever hard to orgasm when you're tipsy.
I was turned down a second time for childcare. It's my age. People ask me where I'm going to college, and then they ask me how old I am. It's assumed I'm 19 or 20. I tell them, that usual look of shock crosses their face and then they compose themselves, affirming that this is the first and last time I'll ever be in their house. One person didn't even bother to look at my resumé. Fucking parents.
In fact, that last person I mentioned probably had her husband hide in the house and listen to what we were doing. Most of these people have just really struck me as weird for some reason or another. And that one girl, Kyle, was spoiled to the nines. She had a God damned laptop in her own bedroom. Eight years old! Christ, I hate only children.
There have also been a couple or two who said that they'd get back to me and haven't. So there you go.
Working on a new layout, it should be up within the day.
I haven't been proofreading my blogs. Christ. Errors abound. I'm disgusted again.
Lael shows her true colors, and I am disgusted a third time.
Intolerable events!
My parents threw away a bag of posters worth over $50, or priceless if you want to include the drawings from people and so on. Not to mention the bag of clothes they tossed as well. I have a million shirts and one pair of pants. Lovely. Just. Fucking. Lovely.
Nothing I really want to drink here, was thinking about running out for a moment and getting some Coke or Mountain Dew, but it's not like I need it right now, and there's Aquarius in the fridge.
We have this lovely Hpnotiq sitting in the fridge, alongside some sort of brandy that Damien loves, and the biggest bottle of Grey Goose I've ever seen in my life. Great demons in Hell, is it ever hard to orgasm when you're tipsy.
I was turned down a second time for childcare. It's my age. People ask me where I'm going to college, and then they ask me how old I am. It's assumed I'm 19 or 20. I tell them, that usual look of shock crosses their face and then they compose themselves, affirming that this is the first and last time I'll ever be in their house. One person didn't even bother to look at my resumé. Fucking parents.
In fact, that last person I mentioned probably had her husband hide in the house and listen to what we were doing. Most of these people have just really struck me as weird for some reason or another. And that one girl, Kyle, was spoiled to the nines. She had a God damned laptop in her own bedroom. Eight years old! Christ, I hate only children.
There have also been a couple or two who said that they'd get back to me and haven't. So there you go.
Working on a new layout, it should be up within the day.
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