Oh. My. God.

Name: FUCK YOU, HORMONES
For: Me. MEEEE.
To the tune of: Modest Mouse - Third Planet

*curtains open*
*Sawa flounces into her bedroom, expecting him to be there* .... -_- *wanders off again*
*Sawa tries to sleep* ..... *Sawa tries harder* ........... *Sawa gives up and spends half the night writing*
*Sawa tries to hold still* ......GOD DAMMIT.

Owari.


Jade: -is all sick from too many Hawaiian Punch things-
Sawa: looooolololol
Jade: >.<
Sawa: dey're yummeh :D
Jade: ..yeah. -hugs a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi Blue to self-
Sawa: that's the most disgusting diet evar I WANT SOME
Jade: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHHAA.
---
Jade: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe. -hates computer-
Sawa: what's wrong now? :\
Jade: It's being stupid. Just STUPID. ARGH.
Sawa: is it... the computer... or is it YEW.
Jade: ...it's probably me. ...YEW. EETS YEW
Sawa: I DID NOTHING
Jade: YES YOO DID YOU TOLD IT TO REVOLT
Sawa: I SO DID DID NOT
Jade: DID TOO
Sawa: DID NOT
Jade: DID TOO
---
Sawa: *on floor dead* x.x
Jade: ...-mosies back in and shakes her awake- Hey...wakey wakey. -danges a Hawaiian thingy over Sawa's nose-
Sawa: *eyes open instantly and her lightning reflexes snatch the candy from her hand, shoving it right into her mouth*
Jade: -lets out a shrill scream, running for her life-
---
Sawa: *dissolves into puddle of laughter*
Jade: :D -splashes in teh puddle- -consumed by giggles-
Sawa: *laughs eat her alive*
Jade: -screams adn is no more- THE END.
Sawa: BRAVOOOO
Jade: -bows deeply, exaggerratedly...and falls over herself- Eeeeee..
Sawa: *jaed wins three academy awards*
Jade: Whoot.
---
Jade: -watches Ethan Hawke version of Hamlet- ...-drowns in own drool-
Sawa: :O *joins drooling* i love that version.
Jade: ..I want the original score from this. No..I NEED it. ...And to plaster several pictures of Ethan Hawke all over my ceiling. :D
Sawa: his writing sucks ~_~ i mean, like... WOW, holy jeesus does he ever SUCK.
Jade: ..o.o? Ethan Hawke?
Sawa: yeah, he wrote some retarded book that came out about nine months ago. or maybe eight.
Jade: Oh..
Sawa: yeah, i flipped through it, read chapter nineteen. it SAWKED.
Jade: ...Oh, boy. -sniffles- At least he can act like you wouldn't believe. -wants to be Hamlet- God knows I'm insane enough. -rolls eyes-
Sawa: not enough. NEVAR ENOUGH. MOOOOORE.
Jade..in class, reading as Hamlet: Come hither, my p..p-p-p...merry gentlemen... (meant to say "my pants are lonely without thee.")
Sawa: *bursts into laughter* i loev that line
Jade in class the other time: ...To be, or not to b--oKAY I have a nosebleed. -scuttles out class spattering blood all over the place-
Sawa: o.o ...that really happen?
Jade: Yes.
Sawa: XD
Jade: ..Some other brat read my lines FOR me. She SUCKED ASS. almost everyone in there sucked ass except for me and miss sage adn ....ben.
Sawa: alana and i reading for duos that bantered back and forth was amazing. we were the bestest in the class.
Jade: I bet. -nods- I could imagine it..
Sawa: you know when people cut each other off in plays? we actually did. imagine that *rolls eyes*
Jade:
Sawa: YOU SUK
Alana: YOU SUK MORE
-nods-
Sawa: that was precisely it. XD
Jade: Yup. I hate how people ignore italics when they read.
Sawa: it's liek, dude, there's EMPHASIS on the ITALICS. so RAISE your TONE. ...*smacks them for good measure*
Jade: Maybe they'll squeal teh words so that it's like they really are emphasizing. :D
Sawa: i like mangling all my sentences with different tones and volumes and stresses.
Jade: YEES.
Sawa: i'm always experimenting with stuff like that, it helps me when i have to write dialogue for characters that are nothing like me.
Jade: Ahhh.
Sawa: that and it's fun when people look at you weird after you go up and down emphasising every other word XD
Jade: :D Woooooooot. i HATE the WAY you LOOK at ME and you MAKE me SICK with EVERY word you SAY.
Sawa: YSE!
Jade: -demonstrator-
Sawa: and a lovely one at that.
Jade: :D
---
Sawa: ....do you ever miss robbie?
Jade: Sometimes I wonder what he's doing. But I never got to know him quite enough.
Sawa: i miss him sometimes ._.
Jade: Ah.
Sawa: he was so.. perfect and good for me, and then he had to go and be all psycho.
Jade: -noddles- He's just...gone, I think. I talked to him after he came back, and he was just like...fried.
Sawa: really? ._.
Jade: ...Pretty much. He seemed much colder. More distant. And just ...fried.
Sawa: *long sigh* he's living with that nympho yoga instructor now..
Jade: ...yeah.
Sawa: he wasn't too cute, but he... he knew just how i needed to be treated sometimes. and then everything went horribly downhill.
Jade: ..Poor Sawa. ..Poor Robbie, too. ;_; Hell, let's throw me in. POOR J43D.
Sawa: POOR EVERYONE.
Jade: YSE.
Sawa: *weeps for the masses*
Jade: -openly sobs, making a spectacle of herself- EEEEEEeeeeehewhewhewhew.... eeeeeeeee..... eeehewhewhewhew.... waaaaaahhhhhhggghhh..

Goes through the parking lot fields,
Doesn't see no signs that they will yield and then thought,
"This'll never end. This'll never end. This'll never stop."
Message read on the bathroom wall says,
"I don't feel at all like I fall."
And we're losing all touch, losing all touch building a desert.

*yawns* I'm gonna go pick up my sisters now. I'll be around a bit this weekend, sorry if you don't catch me.

Sawa: sp34k.
Green Hair: i'm making a prog for a friend that goes to a site, then switches to a different proxy server, then goes to the site again, switches to another proxy server, etc... considering it works there are various ways to use it.
Sawa: you make me feel stupid.
Green Hair: heh.
Sawa: no, i'm serious.
Green Hair: you make me feel stupid.
Sawa: well, then we're even.
Green Hair: that's how i see it.

You will come down soon too
You will come down too soon

During the shoot of their Karma Police video, carbon monoxide was thrown out of the air conditioner in the car, so as Thom sang and performed for the video, he was poisoning himself to death. He passed out as he sang the final "I lost myself" refrain.

Pulled the poll because Cody's suggestions were brilliant enough to sway my submission choices. Being submitted (individually) is Treachery. I rewrote it a bit to suit the audience better. J43D and I were on the exact same page today, and have decided on collaborating (I love that word) to make one other submission, which is Rescue with a scant few changes, and artwork by, of course, J43D.

Best. Idea. Evar.

Her sketchbook was also stolen, so if anyone sees it around campus, pick it up and return it. :\

Doesn't Kylie's songs have the most mesmerizing beat?

I had no idea Skinny Puppy's Ogre and Mark Walk was behind OhGr. Did you, J43D? My mind = blown.

(Also, J43D, I found one for myself: 54W4. Bwaha.)

The creepy crack head friend of mine
The homeless place he calls his thought
The silly putty tinker toy
The mirror ball reflects below
The grazing herd the lemming goat
The move toward the moving from
The winter home upon the hill
The summer shade a caving in
The psychotronic talking box
The mainstream antidepressant
The laughing dying culture pop
The famous moldy party hop
The point of view the bleeding heart
The easily digested hurt
A fantasy the way it could
The shaping things a prostitute
A naked mix a magazine
A picture of us in a dream
Ultra/ULTRA
Get me in there
Ultra/ULTRA
Get me out

Paradox Lain: *sighs* so what's up with your love life?
AyaPAX217: mine?
AyaPAX217: let's see, whenever i call, he has to go, whenever i log on or get off an away message, he puts his on, and then for the five minutes we talk a week, we say the same phrase over and over again.

...o.o

I wonder if Green Hair has a grasp on how fucked up I really am. *wry smile*

Sawa: AGH I JUST WANT TO GET IN MY SKIVVIES AND JUMP IN BED WITH THAT BOY AGAIN
Jade: o.o

Products of my afternoon:

I'll kill you with my knife!

Time... slipping... away....

Can't fly in real life? Do it vicariously, through Fly Guy.

Story time! : )

Title: (As yet unnamed)
For: Jade
To the tune of: Ours - Kill the Band

Everyone in the crowded streets was moving. Constant changes in the reverberating noise lilted monotone words off the concrete. Pages were rustled, lines were thrown out into the air, and the atmosphere was that of a stage.

The girl wasn't particularly noticeable, her fronted disposition much like those around her. Only an oddly phrased question, or a look in her eyes, betrayed her tone, but those moments quickly passed, and she was always back to reading off her own handful of paper.

She stopped momentarily in the middle of a sentence, thinking she was going to sneeze, but she didn't. Looking up to realize the person she was with looked like they were holding their breath for something, the girl looked about her curiously. Nothing out of the ordinary was going on, and she turned back around.

"What are you waiting for?"

The question gained no response, and the girl tilted her head slightly in confusion. Suspicion rose in the back of her mind as the break in thoughtless recitation grew. She skipped ahead and read from the middle of another page. No verbal response, just the same smile.

"...so instead I went to Old Navy and bought a vintage tee."

"That sounds so cool! What color is it?"

The girl stared at the other standing opposite her, slightly alienated at her realization of the situation. Her look of perturbed surprise disintegrated into disgust, and with a flick of her wrist, the girl's tattered script was on the ground. As she walked away from the holding pattern she left the moment in, the thick noise in the air faded slowly, and words appeared in her head. Thoughts formed and contorted, shape shifting and collapsing and swelling up again, and the first thing that dripped from her tongue was the first complete thought she had formed entirely autonomously.

"Where the hell are the bathrooms?"

Owari.

THERE'S YOUR STEWPID STORY, JAED. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. *runs off crying*

And what a productive afternoon it was. :D

Josiah used to bitch about my commas. I like my commas. Fuck you, comma Nazi. I read him Hemingway once, but didn't tell him who had written it. He complimented it, and the only problem he had with it were the marvelous runon sentences. Then I told him who had written it. He hadn't even read any of the man's works, but he hates Hemingway. And still does. Why, I'll never know.

Sooo... I've made a poll. I'm submitting a selection of three of my works (opii, if you will XD) to our school's literary publication... thingy... that comes out at the end of every year. I personally know one of the editors on staff, so deadlines are nonexistent. It's over there, on the right. Vote away.

Green Hair, this is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. I swear.

I'm okay. It's okay.

How do people see you?

A block of ice can sometimes appear to be more
emotional than you. Try tearing down that wall
every now and again; you might be surprised
with the results.

Perfect. Just perfect. It even has a picture of her. -_- (This is going to be a close one. I hope they don't find out about the artist.)

"I know you can't alter space and time. I had the power, once upon a time. A time that was easy and happy and wrong. But "once upon a time"s never stick around, and all we've got left is what used to be. And "what used to be"s never taste as good. If you can swallow them at all. But I had the power, once upon a time. And sometimes, I wish I had used it."

Before we dive into this... madness that I've stumbled into, I'd like to thank HAYLEY. Because Hayley loves meh. LOVE YOU HAYLEY FACE.

You got so used to despising everyone you consumed that the reactions within you feel FOREIGN. Your instincts tell you to HATE. Your reflexes strain inside your muscles to push him away. The dislike and distaste and disgust for closeness was engrained, as old and immovable as the ground beneath your feet.

But you positively melt when you're pressed against him.

Like a game of pick-up sticks played by fucking lunatics

This scream building inside of you, where is it coming from?

This happened too fast to be honest, the voices whisper. Too hard to stay, too weak to go. And it feels so good when he hurts you. Pinned beneath him in freezing water, that's where you want to be. STOP FIGHTING IT, SAWA.

But no, you've decided. You want to follow this one all the way to the end of Wonderland.

HOPE I'M NOT HURTING YOU, DOVE. HOPE THIS DOESN'T HURT, DOVE. HOPE MY FUCKING YOUR WORLD UP THE PROVERBIAL ASS DOESN'T PAIN YOU SO, DOVE. Hurt for me, dove. Let me find you and fuck you and KEEP YOU, dove. White. WHITE. MY LITTLE KITTEN.

Every thing you
Every time you

I HATE YOU, BLUE.

*stares at the words she just typed* Christ... Excuse me while I split from reality. *laughs at herself*

You can never tell what's directed at who, can you. (That's the fun part.)

...Did I think I was exempt from humanity? I am not so different from you! We're all human. All of us were stars once.

Incapable of love, incapable of treating anyone like they shouldn't be DOCUMENTED.

You were mine for the taking when I walked in the room

..And sometimes I really feel like I treat you all as things I'm observating, and I'm making case studies out of triumphs and downfalls in my secret writing places.

Your bed reeks of the past, Sawa.

Shoot to kill, and you pop them off
BANG BANG

What of this one, Sawa? Isn't that the question always being asked? Why is no one good enough? Is that another of the questions?

Inhale.

Exhale.

Teach myself to breathe again.

Feel that minute tremor in every breath? That's your heartbeat. That's you. Embrace it.

What of ANY of them, for that matter? What makes him different?

It's easier when you can hate them. Trust me, I'd know. It's not easy with him.

I don't hate him?

I hate him because he reminds me of him.

He said that fool's line, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all," only what he said was contorted somehow, and I didn't even catch what he was saying because I had focused in on when I had last heard that.

His blog.

And I believe I scowled, but I don't remember. I was just quiet all day.

HE LOST THE FILM.

I'm almost not mad about that, but no matter. I can take pictures on my own time.

So, you don't hate him. But you said you did, no? You can't hate him, you can still accept his presence. You put your foot down when you hate someone.

So, you don't hate him.

Wish you could, don't you?

Wish this was easy.

Why don't you say that to my face?

Wish he was Taisa.

Wish you could write.

Wish you weren't here.

Wish you were dead.

Julie: I have a question for you.
Me: Yes?
Julie: What is life to you, where do you stand on the mentality of people?
Me: Life is whatever you make of it. It's your life to live the way you want. I think people should be happy with whatever they're doing, and if they are, then who has the right to take it away? I don't understand what you mean by "mentality of people."
Julie: I meant how do you view humanity as a whole?
Me: I don't know.
Julie: How do you view your own life?
Me: *shrugs* I'm here. What more is there to it?
Julie: Well, you obviously have goals, and ambitions. What are they?
Me: I just want to write, and go places, and meet people I've never met before.
Julie: Why?
Me: It's what makes me happy.
Julie: But, aren't your stories depressing, and usually sexual? Why is everything about you so sexual?
Me: My writing reflects my life.
Julie: What inspired the sexual behavior in the first palce?
Me: Mine?
Julie: Yes yours!
Me: I'm really not that sexual. Maybe I exude some sort of sexual aura, but that wouldn't be my doing. A lot of the time I have some sort of ulterior motive behind every movement, but normal me... normal me is just a hyper child.
Julie: When you told me that you like to put people at cross roads in their lives what did you mean? Don't you feel bad that you actually pushed them over the edge? You must push them for a reason? Is it only sick pleasure?
Me: I meant that I like to set people on the right paths they need to walk in order to be honestly happy. Perhaps something I myself can't be... People let themselves be pushed, Julie. They actually throw themselves over on their own. Everything's a choice, but you don't see that, do you?
Julie: I know everything is a choice. But you don't see that people become taken by you. even start to love you, then you push them, they go because they fon't want to let you down.
Me: That's a choice, Julie. I don't push them, they go down themselves.
Julie: Not themselves. For you, they do it out of love, but a pathetic loveless person like you wouldn't understand.
Me: Well, this was another fabulously counterproductive conversation. Thanks for wasting my time, and yours. :D
Julie: I was trying to help you become happy, but you won't listen.
Me: Um... no, you're not understanding. And I stop caring when people stop understanding.
Julie: You poor fool.
Me: *laughs* Help me how, exactly? Who says who needs help? What's the standard, Julie?
Julie: I know people hate you. and you aren't exactly happy. I thought maybe I could find a way to plant a worthwhile thought in your head.
Me: Who said I didn't enjoy people hating me? Who said I even cared? What's worthwhile, Julie? Do you know what's worthwhile to me?
Julie: I've heard of your writing, I've seen what you've done to people, and I've read your blog. there is more to you than you want people to know.
Me: It's the same for everyone. Even you.
Julie: Not everyone tries to hurt people.
Me: Not everyone tries to hurt themselves.
Julie: True. But that's just a responce to change the subject. You're being defensive.
Me: No, it's not, and no, I'm not. I'm just trying to show you how your opinion of me is based upon wild assumptions that you've gestalted into existence. What makes you think I'd tell you anything, after all?
Julie: Because nobody else will listen to you.
Me: Plenty of people listen, Julie. You just can't see them. Oh, so witty am I.
Julie: Sure many people will listen, but how many will actually care?
Me: More than enough. If you were looking to reform my entire being and pick me up out of the hole you think I reside in, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
Julie: That dosen't mean I can't try. ^ ~
Me: Try all you like. I welcome the entertainment.
Julie: I'm glad you find this so amusing.
Me: That's great, because I really don't. :D
Julie: It's sad really I don't like people to be evil or unhappy, and you ... Well you seem to be both. Oh well I tried.
Me: Maybe you could work on yourself a bit, no? I believe there's a word for that. Hypocrite.
Julie: Oh well. Making people happy makes me happy. Though it sounds selfish it really isn't. I couldn't care less about you. But I thought I'd try and spare your future victims some pain.
Me: That's really presumptuous of you, but sure. Okay. And no, it doesn't sound selfish. It is selfish. Because everything is.
Julie: Getting you to stop being such a bitch was my goal.
Me: That won't ever happen while people like you walk the earth.
Julie: I guess I'll have to try harder then.
Me: Do what you will.
Julie: You can count on it.
Me: Shall I throw a party?
Julie: Nah, they give me headaches.
Julie signed off at 5:46:57 PM.

So many questions today. And so many fast answers. My hands are freeeeeezing and I feel like I'm on speed..

And I'm SCREAMING these songs.

A hammering in my head don't stop on the bullet train from Tokyo to Los Angeles

I love that line.

..I'm so much more clearheaded without Josiah around. It feels... hm.... It feels.

(If this is what you'd call clearheaded.)

Julie doesn't even have the cojones to speak to me in real life. How sad.

His touch sets my entrails on fire.

I hate... hate... hate... hate... hate....... hate.

Hate.

Hate hate hate.

Hate.

Say it until the words lose meaning.

I.

Hate.

Hate hate hate.

Say them until you're unsure of the spelling.

Speak the names until they make no sense.

Green. Hair. Keith. Him.

All encompassing, all devouring, all salt on the snow.

"I'm talented. I'm special. I've got sunshine coming out of my ass."

*laughs softly to herself and trails off*

Lo.

Lola.

Lolita.

The Lolita.

My Lolita.

Lola. Lolita. Lo.

Lo.

I'm petrified.

There's marks on my neck I feel ashamed to wear with pride.

And Jade laughed.

Laughed.

Lolita.

Lola.

Nymphet.

You former nymphet, you.

Why does everyone come to bed?

Why does no one refuse my offers?

Why?

Lolita.

The Lolita.

No one's Lolita.

Dead Lolita.

...*sighs*

...Sure, they'll go slow. Sure, they'll stop. No one ever refuses. No one's ever scared, it seems, and I'M MUSING ON SOMETHING I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE MYSELF.


I told him. I told him I told him I told him. I said I didn't even know how this would end.

I know how things end.

I don't know how this will end.

It's all a dream, dreaming dreaming dreaming your youth away. Youth is the dream, where does reality come in? God is the dream, God in the machine, deus ex machina. Deus. Ex. Machina. Haunted by the ghosts in the machine, I don't want to leave. Don't want to leave don't leave me don't leave I'll let you hold me just DON'T LEAVE ME.

Hit me hurt me break me build me up to let me down just don't leave.

I am in no state of mind to start making sense for you people. I don't perform on request.

Simon asked me why I have such weird things written on my hands all the time. I told him they're only weird if you don't know where they're from.

They all leaned forward to read, and then moved on to talk about "reality" shows.

Upon my hand: Lo. Lola. Lolita. The Lolita. My Lolita.

I'm afraid if I open my mouth, that's what is going to come out. Or maybe I'd just shout an expletive instead.

Torturing myself torturing myself torturing myself torturing myself.

He said, "I'm tired."
He will not come back.
So count to one hundred,
And begin forgetting.

It all makes sense if you know where it came from, my faithful viewers.

..I want to go home.

Um... to continue yesterday's adventure:

I ended up actually in the puddle, and after failing to coax him in along with me, we went back home to change (well, I did), and check in with parents (him, because we know my parents don't honestly care where I am).

So we went to the lake. And... wow. Fun. FUHN. Best afternoon ever. I just pretended it was summer, made easy by his clock being on about the same time in correlation with the sunset. :D We got wet, and wandered over to this little isthmus.

Green Hair: I'm giving you my shirt.
Me: Um... no. *shivering*
Green Hair: Yes.
Me: We don't do things like that on my planet.
Green Hair: What things?
Me: Things that people... do to each other... that are nice. Not on my planet, no.
Green Hair: Stop. *takes shirt off and puts it on her*
Me: >:
Green Hair: : )

And we laid in the grass till the sunset was completely gone. And... then we warmed up in the car... *ahem* WHICH DIDN'T CONSIST OF ANYTHING THAT YOU'RE THINKING, I'M SURE. >:

I got sleepy, and he needed to take me home, so we drove back to my house. I refused to get out, so he dragged me out and led me inside. I collapsed on my bed, and he gave me a back rub/massage. The house was really dark, I was warm and in my bed, everything was perfect. I cannot begin to explain how good that moment felt.

Green Hair: I have to go.
Me: No. *takes shirt off*
Green Hair: See you tomorrow.
Me: No. *takes pants off*
Green Hair: ...*dives back into bed with her*

He eventually left... very very unwillingly. (And I was much too tired to forcibly make him stay.) I fell asleep really soon after that, and slept till 3am, and have been awake since.

My shirt came off more times in that four hour period I was with him than I'd care to admit, but... hey. I don't care, and he didn't seem to mind so much. :D

Anyway, I woke my mum up at 4 or so, and because of that I'm grounded off Navi for the day. -_- So I won't be online tonight.

The End. ^^

...If by slow I mean him just grabbing my shirt and flipping it up as we fight in the mud next to a puddle!

D:

Me: I want to go swimming... We could go to the lake. I want to go to the lake.
Green Hair: ...No.
Me: I want to go to the lake.
Green Hair: Clothes are coming off.
Me: I want to go to the laaaake. *shakes his arm*
Green Hair: ...Okay.
Me: ^^

I see him (not the him that plagues me yet, but the other him, the sugared slice of day that I reserve daydreams and shy stares for) the first time today, and I can't help but throw myself at him with a silly stupid smile on my face. He arouses in me emotion I thought I had lost with the absence of Josh and his twilight flights into the early early morning, rushing 100 miles an hour down a straight road.

This is not one to be played with.

Slow, Sawa, my life's own selfish delight. We're going slow.

Sawa: *pounces* i thought about having sex with keith o.o
Missa: o_o; I'm hoping key word here being "thought"?
Sawa: i don't know, doesn't seem like such a bad idea.
Missa: o_o; I think it is
Sawa: why?
Missa: well, same reason I tell everyone who's not gay... You're too young to have sex ^^
Sawa: too young, feh.
Missa: I tell everyone that...regardless of how old they are so don't take it personally o_o well, unless they're gay. then they can have sex alllllll they want ^^ and you two aren't even going out o_o;
Sawa: that never stops anyone.. *growls under her breath*
Missa: yse it does
Sawa: it doesn't have to. but, really. i mean, not right now, but.. later. whenever it's, um... whenever i decide to. because we all know every male on the surface of the earth excluding patrick the pansy is up for it (pun intended) -_-
Missa: hehe o.o; well, they're boys. and they're stupid. so I don't think their opinion should really count
Sawa: i don't know. i don't care. i just want to.. do... SOMETHING. prematurely detatch from my situation without resolving my emotional issues is what i want to do. :D
Missa: sounds.....fun?
Sawa: i don't care if it's fun. ...maybe that sounds bad. i just... fuck it all. i don't care at all. i want to begin hopping from boy to girl, trying to fill a gaping hole in my being and never succeeding, and after a short decade of writing some of the most melancholy prose diseased with cynicism and bitterness, die a lonely death in some horrible accident at a young age, and have my portrait splattered like blood all over the front pages of newspapers worldwide. he seems to be the perfect place to start. and quite convenient too.
Missa: I thought you liked him as a friend
Sawa: you see, i do. hell, i even like him as more than that. but i fuck everything up, i figure, why wait.
Missa: don't you want to keep him as a friend?
Sawa: i won't be able to though! BECAUSE I FUCK EVERYTHING UP. IT'S INHERENT. IT'S INESCAPABLE. i'm giving in. if i put any time or energy into him, it's all for naught. so why bother? i'll quit while i'm behind.
Missa: you've kept your friends. if you must sex0r someone up then ..x.x; don't sex0r someone up that you still want to be friends with. because if you sex0r them up and then stop, and they still want sex with you, then yeah x.x; I dunno. people get sad. v.v;
Sawa: fuck people. i can't believe i even thought that i could find something to fall back on. i'm too much weight for anything. i'm small, but i'm dark and dense with pain and hate, and no one wants to hold that burden. because that's what i am. a burden. i drag everyone down. i'll even give him a special title in my secret journal: Keith, The Beginning Of The End. he'll be just another write up, just another short story in the sea of paper on my floor. it'll be great, we'll have another party at the end of this one too. or maybe i won't even bother to dig into him, maybe i'll just leave him abruptly like i did jordan and never have to deal with him like that again. kiss and leave and tell. kiss and tell, spill my--... *sighs* there i go again. i've been raving like this all weekend... well, you people have yet to stop me, so i'll just keep shouting at the top of my lungs until someone hears me.
Missa: o.o *hug*
Sawa: *closes her eyes* i didn't mean most of that. at least, i don't think i did. and i'm wrong, i have to deal with jordan three days each year, at that godforsaken convention.

This is what happens when you're on the last day of a three day weekend and EVERYONE is stuck at home:

Sawa: : )
Jade: ...what the Hell is tha smile for? -grumpy-
Sawa: you blew me off and now your plans are sheit.
Jade: I didn't fucking blow you off. I'd planned this with her for a while and I never said I could go with you. I have to stay in my house so I can clean the entire fucking thing before Mom comes home. The bitch.
Sawa: *laughs into her can of mountain dew*
Jade: -snarls- NOT. FUNNY.
Sawa: mm. ^^
Jade: ...-sulks in a corner-
---
Sawa: *having a music war with keith over the phone* *is currently playing illuminati*
Jade: lol.. Go on, then. -turns and takes a swig from the bottle, staring at an empty coke bottle-
Sawa: hah, he expects to win with a mix of chobits, disturbed, and daft punk
Jade: Ahahahahah.
Sawa: *munches on chipies*
Jade: -yawns- Yarg.
Sawa: *flicks chips at her open mouth*
Jade: -chokes on one and glares- >: Trying to kill me?
Sawa: YEEEEESSSSSS *lunges*
Jade: -screams and lurches away-
Sawa: *cackles*
Jade: EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee..
Sawa: and then he breaks out rammstein.... only he's remixing it as i type... *peers at phone*
Jade: ...o.O
---
Sawa: *sways hips back and forth in time with song* Nomanur nomu saranghessosso gureso ne modungor jungoya we gasso we gasso narur dugo we tonagassoooooooo. Ajigkaji yothekaji mollassodon, sarangur bewossooooo.. Amugodo gajin godo obnun narur narur ullijimaaaaa *dancies*
Jade: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What deh Helllllll, Sawa?
Sawa: it's korean, you monkeh. the retarded love child of japanese and english.
Jade: ....o.o Oh.
Sawa: lol
Jade: AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
Sawa: did you think i was just making shit up?
Jade: ...Yeah. XD
Sawa: lmao
Jade: EEEheheheheheehe.
Sawa: here, leesten to eet:
http://www.glass-tears.net/shojojisatsu/Nuh.mp3
Jade: -waits for her stupid computer to become unstupid- ...Uhm...it says like.."Powered by Doteasy."
Sawa: um... try it again >.> *forgot the ".mp3" part.....* ..when i was renaming the phile... anyway.
Jade: ...
Sawa: SHHHHH, LEST THE WORLD KNWO HOW STUPID I REALLY AM
Jade: Uh...es not working.
Sawa: ..it should be, it works for me.
Jade: -blinks...tries again- NOT WORKING
Sawa: YOUR FAULT. YOU BROKE IT. YOU BROKE TEH INTARWEB.
Jade: ...-cries- I'm sorrrrryyyyyyy.. ;_; -dies of boredom-
Sawa: *follows suit* ....*stalks suit*
Jade: Hahahahah XD
Sawa: *Secret Ninja Sawa darts behind pillar*
Jade: -laughs-
Sawa: *peers out from behind* i'll get you yet, suit. you'll never see it coming. *exaggerated sneaking movements*
Jade: Hahahahah XD
Sawa: *suit, being inanimate, sits there oblivious* SHINE! *pounces on suit and shreds it to pieces*
Jade: -sits there laughing and coughing her lungs up- -gurgles and laughs-
Sawa: *emerges from the horrible carnage in one piece* Secret Ninja Sawa triumphs once again! :D *poses with katana*
Jade: -applauds- Yayyyyyyyyyy
Sawa: *sheathes katana and disappears into the... afternoon*

http://unarius.org/plasma/towards1.html

...Wow. What a bunch of presumptuous bullshit.

"What the hell are you talking about, Sawa? That entire essay sounds brilliant."

HAH. Shows how smart you are. Most of you aren't even able to grasp the concepts and their flaws.

..."You have IP all over your face."

XD

Sean: You know, I can't see for the life of me why you rave about Josiah so much. I just accept it now. Any comments I'd make about that now would borderline on hurtful. I also have this strange feeling that in the near future you'll have a falling out with Green Hair. But that's just my Spider-Sense.

Sawa: sorry about, um.. getting you in trouble. i do that.. a lot. i mean, i kill people, of course i get them in trouble. i'm the fucking downfall of EVERYTHING. it's all my fault. and now i'm just going to sit in my corner.
Green Hair: lol, its not yer fault. if i wanted to leave i would have. ive fixed it so that theyll prolly forget to punish me. no worries.
Sawa: i'm so angry -_-
Green Hair: are you going to be busy tomorrow around like 10am-1pm?
Sawa: nope.
Green Hair: i may be able to come over. if that's alright with you.
Sawa: ....ooooooh... yeeess.... that would make me feel better.
Green Hair: : )
Sawa: i'm.. insane. just to, you know, warn you.
Green Hair: heh. sane people dont exist.
Sawa: oh, you laugh now. you won't be laughing when i'm pinning notes to your front door with hunting knives.
Green Hair: yes i will.
Sawa: if i even decide to let myself feel.
Green Hair: hah, you think you make that decision?
Sawa: on my planet, yes i do.
Green Hair: but your planet is far, far away. feelings dont seems to adhere to any rules
Sawa: i'm on my planet. and i make the fucking rules. NO EMOTION.

I don't know if I should look upon him being here with relief or dread.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TALK SO MUCH LIKE HIM? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING NICE TO ME? WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?!

*bangs her head repeatedly on her desk while speaking* I grope into the darkness around me for something to help me forget that I'm hurting and angry and even though I already know there's no chance in hell anything will ever work out with anyone, I dive straight for the deepest rooted thing I have in real life right now.

*lets her head rest on the desk* Needless to say: Crash. And. Burn. (Funny thing is, it doesn't hurt.)

*raises her head to stare at a pen* This also means that I can stop trying to act like all the other people she surrounds herself with. I can just be me and do whatever whenever and everything will be up and down, up and down all the time every day.

OH WELL. I CAN WRITE NOW, I CAN WRITE I CAN WRITE I CAN WRITE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE LONELY AND ALONE AND I'LL DRIFT AGAIN. OH WELL OH WELL OH WELL. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fuck you. FUCK YOU. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I MEAN WHEN I SAY THAT, JUST FUCK YOU. GET THE HELL OUT.

Quenditari: hello.
Lain: ..hi.
Quenditari: ::emerges from the shadows, revealing herself:: I am Quenditari. Do you like TaTu?
Sawa: o.o i have heard of them but not actually heard them.
Quenditari: they have an intersting video. i could show you but you'd have to trust me.
Sawa: ......*stares blankly*
Quenditari: I like your buddy icon.. ::shakes head:: I don't blame you.. we just met.
Sawa: who the hell are you.
Quenditari: Quenditari, A friend of a friend, I know Adrian and GrayWolf. he told me you might want to see the video becuase it has a well know anime in it. they also have their own manga. I simply come to enlighten the world. I am Quentidari, Elven Queen ::bows:: pleased to finally meet "Lain". No one really accepts that infernal impish thing.
Sawa: *peers* ....who do you know that i do.
Quenditari: Adrian. Graywolf says he met you in a chat. you were the most educated in anime.
Sawa: i vaguely remember this. go on.
Quenditari: Graywolf is my pet.
Sawa: *nods slowly* so you want me to look at a music video of TaTu's, and figure out what anime it is?
Quenditari: please do.

...I'm famous.

Lain is known all over the internet.

Lain.

Lain.

I'm famous.

Christ, your head
What's it become?
While the whole world's out having fun

I'm in a cloud
It's pulling me down
Breaking me down

I'm in a cloud
It feels like a crowd of a hundred
It's five degrees here
Nobody sees
Somebody please save me

This is the sound of my miseryhead
Choke on the taste of my miseryhead
Dance to the words of my miseryhead
This is the sound of my miseryhead

I'm in a cloud
It's pulling me down
Breaking me down

Turn around
What's that sound?
I'm in your head
I thought I heard him say he'd rather be dead
Than live life apart
We're apart
We're apart

This is the sound of my miseryhead
Choke on the taste of my miseryhead
Dance to the words of my miseryhead
This is the sound of my miseryhead

Sawa: http://www.glass-tears.net/shojojisatsu/blog.html <--- That, ladies and gentlemen, is the inside of my head at all times.
Aya: THANK you.
Sawa: Someone had to say it.
Aya: yes.
Sawa: Any comments?
Aya: i was just feeling the same way.
Sawa: Fabulous.
Aya: making idle convo with you just seems pointless, and when i feel like bitching, you're on auto. i'll have to fix that now.
Sawa: Yeessss.
Aya: because we're both going more insane than before alone
Sawa: And you need to come up here.
Aya: i need to fucking move. my mother plans on strangling me to keep me home, and dad told me he was fine with me moving to fucking ohio. he says he doesn't know what my mother's problem is, either.
Sawa: She'd probably keep your body in your bed and pretend like everything's alright.
Aya: i don't want to move to ohio anymore, thanks to all the assholes i considered friends.
Sawa: Oh, fuck everyone.
Aya: yes. except you. you haven't bothered with me yet. and for that much i'm thankful.
Sawa: I don't like exposing you to the same thing you're feeling, it gets so... tedious.
Aya: it does.
Sawa: when you come up here, we'll go somewhere and take pictures and people watch. we'll go down to the seattle waterfront and eat polish hotdogs and i'll show you the blood vases i found.
Aya: blood vases? sounds fun
Sawa: there are these vases that are the exact color, tint, gloss and gleam of fresh blood. they look like they're made of it, and someone just hit pause while they were pouring.
Aya: wow.
Sawa: they're very very pretty
aya: i'm going to appease my father so i can come up more. and then it won't matter, i'll save up twenty bucks and take the bus up for weekends.
Sawa: *nods* i'll be able to drive in three months.
Aya: yesh
Sawa: so you can ride the bus up and i'll just drive us.
Aya: yeah. and get away from our fucking lives.
Sawa: hell fucking yes.

Enjoy that queer taste in your mouth from what you read, fuckers, I'm going to do more plotting with my comrade.

A re-enactment of the last three days:

*grabs Green Hair* STAAAAAYYYY WIIIIIIIITH MEEEEEEEE PLEEEEEEEEEASE. *shakes him, then drags him to the floor with her* ...You have to go?..... ;_; Fine.... *reluctantly lets go* I can't love him. I CAN'T LOVE HEEM, JAED. *shakes Jade* I LOVE YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU. SOMETHING PLEASE LOVE MEEEEEE..... *falls over weeping*

Fin.

Ee hee hee.... ooooh..... saaaaaadddd......

I'll be okay. Not like anyone, you know, cares. :D I'm always talking to myself anyway. Talking and apologizing and ranting and reaffirming and second guessing. RANTING AND RAVING LIKE A NUTCASE. I'M YOUR LITTLE FUCK UP. YOUR WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA. YOUR WALKING PUNCHING BAG. YOUR SOURCE OF EVIL. CLASS A EXECUTIVE ROSE-COLORED GLASSES REMOVER. FUCK YOU ALL. AGH.

...That got out of hand.

Let me start over.

GRR ANGER ANGST HATE FEAR PAIN.

Green Hair: you don't know EVERYTHING. granted, you know a lot.
Sawa: of course i know everything, what the hell are you talking about.

Ants are in the sugar
Muscles atrophied
We're on the other side
The screen is us and we're TV

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE, EVERYONE. I go fucking PSYCHO. Come here, Patrick, so I can BREAK YOU AGAIN. AHAHAHAHAHAH. I'm kidding, of course, I'd sooner surrender my hands to the blade than touch you. Wouldn't that be hilarious if I got the only thing you ever wanted? WOULDN'T IT? *lays her head down on her desk and laughs hard*

Your tongue on my skin felt DISGUSTING. It took all I had not to throw you from my body and leave you to the elements like the nameless man in The Slowest Death does. Oh, how I WISH to be like HIM. You were my appeal to his dark side. I was sitting with your heart in my lap and screaming at him, "LOOK HERE, JOSIAH, LOOK AT WHAT I DO FOR YOU. ACCEPT MY SACRIFICE, YOU GOD OF EVERYTHING. ACCEPT THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU IF IT WOULD EARN ME EVEN A LOOK. A WORD. A SLAMMED DOOR. A SHOUT, A SMACK, A BITE, A STAB, A GUNSHOT. GIVE ME SOMETHING, I BEG OF YOU."

I got nothing.

He's... "reformed."

To that I say HAH. She will never earn the rights I had. I HAD HIM. ALL OF IT. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ALL OF HIM. YOU WILL NEVER BE WHAT HE NEEDS. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.

IF I COULD, I WOULD THROW YOU ALL AWAY, YOU BREATHING BAGS OF SHIT. WHY DO YOU READ THIS? WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE IF YOU HATE ME SO? LEAVE ME. LEAVE ME BE. FUCK YOUR OPINION. I DON'T CARE. READ AND ASSUME, BUT IF YOUR ASSUMPTIONS EVER GET IN MY FUCKING WAY EVERYONE WILL PAY DEARLY.

The RAGE I feel right now is mind blowing.

"Fine, no mind blowing sex for you."
"I can get that from her. :D"

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TIMES YOU HURT ME? YOU'VE RUINED ME.

YOU NEVER WANTED THEM REMOVED. YOU MARVELED AT ME AND TREATED ME LIKE ALL THE REST. YOU'RE ONLY ON TOP FOR SO LONG, THEN YOU GO DOWN DOWN DOWN, FAST AND HARD AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

Pray now, baby
Pray your life was just a dream

Weaving a tapestry of lies, smother you all in my memory palace, my mnemonics, my past and future and premonition and dreams. DREAMS. SPEAKING OF DREAMS.

I dreamt of Jade early early early this morning. I dreamt I was the one wielding the sword, staving off all the faceless horrors that dared attack her. At the end, when all was slain, and I had all but given my life for her, she turned and walked away without a single word spoken.

Silence hurts more than coarse words. Josiah BEGGING ME to speak. Say anything. JUST SAY ANYTHING. DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING, LOVE. DON'T LEAVE ME, LOVE. I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU, LOVE. LIAR. LIAR. LIAR. LIAR.

Someone had to go this far

I'll write, and dedicate every single fucking thing to you.

FOR YOU.

FOR YOU, TAISA.

FOR YOU, JOSIAH.

FOR JOSIAH.

FOR THE LIAR.

FOR THE PERSON WHO OPENED MY EYES AND SHUT HIS OWN.

FOR THE PERSON WHO OPENED MY HEART AND SHUT HIS OWN.

FOR THE LIAR.

FOR JOSIAH.

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, JOSIAH.

Everything's for Josiah.

....What's left for me?

I have it all and I have no choice but to
I'll make everyone pay, and you will see
You can kill yourself now
Because you're dead in my mind
The boy that you loved is the monster you fear

Sorry that I feel anything, everyone. Sorry I'm ME. I'M SORRY FOR LIVING HERE. I'M SORRY FOR LIVING. SORRY FOR INCONVENIENCING YOU, JOSIAH. JADE. SORRY FOR FEELING. SORRY FOR EXISTING.

And I'm just apologizing to myself.

Jade, find it within yourself. Don't go looking for it in other people, or expect it in other people, for no one can supply it as constantly or as strongly as you can. Stand on your own feet and use them to walk yourself right out of everything. Words are water off your back.

Sean: I spoke to Akki. She said she misses you as her best friend.
Adrienne: ...*stares*

Sawa: Hey :D
Tony: Yo! *lost at the tournament, that's all I'm gonna say* What's up?
Sawa: ....Right. Nothing. Just.. ignoring the work I have to do.
Tony: Of course! *always procrastinates* What kinda work?
Sawa: Writing. Theories...
Tony: Yuck. I'd much prefer to play Wild Arms 3. *does so*
Sawa: Pfffft.
Tony: Waha ^.^
Sawa: It's not like it's bad or anything. It's just... I'm sort of stuck on one thing.
Tony: Need help? (since I'm so knowledgeable and all)
Sawa: It's a bit over your head.
Tony: No chance, yo! I'm taller than you! [/bad joke]
Sawa: ...I'm going to go over here now.
Tony: Bai! ^.^

...Moron.

Where the fuck is Josiah when I need help with my theories?

Fuck this.

"Jesse sighed and let go of Alroy’s arm. He stood up and picked up one of his bags, trying not to see the wounded look on Alroy’s face. He turned to Darryl and said firmly, 'Not yours. His.' He pointed to Alroy.

'Fine, whatever,' Darryl said. 'Now let’s go.' He picked up Jesse’s duffel bag.

'I don’t like you,' Jesse stated, but he followed Darryl out of the house."


Sawa: *shakes him* i'm never going back to school. they can't take me back there. not alive. NEVER. NEVEEEEERRRRRR.. *collapses on the floor*
Green Hair: agreed. wanna come to canadia with me?
Sawa: yes.

And so we're off to Canada.

Missy: dont you hate "cheer up!" and "it will get better!" "don't worry!" it's like. shut the fuck up.

El. Oh. El.

So instead of HIM sending ME something, ANYTHING, a letter, a picture, something of his, I have to carve HIS NAME that I GAVE HIM into MY OWN skin with MY OWN hands to get what I wanted, and even then I really didn't get it exactly did I?

I bet she yells out that name during sex. Taisa. Taisa. Taisa. Taisa. It's the pulse of my heart, and her wet cries of pleasure.

Keith and I stared at his name on my arm for a while. I said something like that it never occurred to me once not to do it. And he didn't say anything.

We talk about the ambiguous "her" and "him" a lot. He mentions things offhand, and so do I. Something about a song, a place, a day or a sentence or a moment or a feeling. I'm sharing more than I meant to, but giving no details. He doesn't know how excrutiatingly enjoyable being pinned underneath him is, or collapsing on him in exhaustion is, or laying next to him with my eyes closed and my hands in his hair is.

And we don't care about him and her! They fade away and leave us with our own songs, and places, and days and sentences and moments and feelings. We're making our own thing here, the special thing I am eternally seeking between myself and everyone I know. Something special. Something you can't recreate with the wave of a hand. We're laying bricks for the smallest of hamlets that may, just may be a separate nation years from now, in and of itself.

Josiah's empire won't be torn down, or abandoned, or replace. No, I've decided. I am too much a part of it, and have spent far too much time sweeping my omniscient hand through its centers to discard it like two years was a raindrop in the ocean. It's simply thriving on its own in the the back of my memory palace, under those stairs and in that charred room of his, with my Hobbes and his warm, warm smiles. The empire hasn't needed his help for a long time, and it's slowly weaning itself from me too. The people go about the days like there is no one watching over them, and soon all I'll have to do is sit back and observe, and write things down in the black book next to my bed. "Today, I stopped being angry with him. It's time to move on to the next act in this neverending play: guilt."

I feel so full of beauty right now, and I don't understand it at all. All those things that him and I have seen in just these few days. My catching the bug midair with lightning reflexes and releasing it moments later. The sunsets in the puddles. The spider on the windshield. The sugar in the water. The casino lights through water beads. I can't even begin to describe it all.

I must've scratched him in at least a hundred places. He was scraped and bleeding all over. (I fight like a hellcat. :D)

Hrm.

I'm going to go watch over Jade's city for a while. It's caught my interest as of late, and she'll need all the support she can get from me in the next few weeks.

One breakup right after another.

(This is a sad state we're in.)

Inanities about Green Hair. Brace yourselves.

Keith and I spent all afternoon together. I don't want to say anything else about it for fear of ruining the fainty feeling it left me with.

And his hair smells like sugary strawberries.

Sawa: his hair smells so good ;_;
Jade: -laughs- You smelled it?
Sawa: many many times.
---
Jade: -pokle- are yoo going to go owt wif heem? are yoooo? areyooareyooareyooooo? lol
Sawa: i dunno. i kinda don't wanna ruin anything.
Jade: -shrugs- Wellllll...
Sawa: we fought in his car. really bad. i scratched his entire body up. he had been bleeding, so when we came back to my house i sucked on one of the scratches i gave heem. o.o he pinned me in the car really well and told me to give up, but i wouldn't. and i almost strangled him when he let me up. and he let me steal his wrist cuff, and i let him steal the bands that i had my pigtails in. *takes a breath* jesus christ, i didn't want him to leave.
Jade: -laughs-
Sawa: he's so, like, smart though, when i really talked to him.
Jade: -nods- I'm glad you've found someone that won't throw you away after giving you hope. -hacks something that sounds suspiciously like "missy"-
Sawa: lol, pffft.. missy has a boyfriend and i am so not into her like that. i like you. o.o BUT WE KNEW THAT. moving on.
Jade: -laughs-
Sawa: it was so cute though, we were in my room laying on my bed, and he had his head on my tummy, and we were just talking. JUST TALKING. imagine that.
Jade: Wow. o.O
Sawa: and he actually held me really tight, none of that wussy arms around me b.s.
Jade: That's good.
Sawa: and he didn't want to go and he kept stalling, and he said that he could smooth things over with his parents. and.. i'm... babbling...... o.o
Jade: -laughs-
Sawa: but his hair... *mmmmeeeellllllltttttssssss*
Jade: This is so adorable.
Sawa: *blushes*
Jade: ...Don't be so enthusiastic about it. o.o
Sawa: but.... he made me warm inside.
Jade: That's a good thing.
Sawa: ....
Jade: REMEMBER?!
Sawa: sometimes i don't remember what's good for me ;_;
Jade: Oi.
Sawa: i am soooooo scared i'm going to fuck things up.
Jade: ....-_- YOU WON'T. JEEBUS.
Sawa: you have no idea how afraid i am of even talking to him anymore. >.<
Jade: You like him too much to let that happen. : )
Sawa: .........his haiiiir.......his haaaaaaiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr. you have no idea.
Jade: -blinks-
Sawa: patrick's hair smelled like ass.
Jade: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHA. XD AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH. HEEEeeheheheheheheheeheheeee.e.-uncontrolled fits of giggling-
Sawa: well it's TRUE. and everyone knows it. it's just nice to have someone around who smells GOOD.
Jade: -laughs- ..What, I don't smell good? ;_;
Sawa: oh, you do. very much so. you just... aren't in my bed atm.
Jade: -grins- Hahahaheehee.

*glances at wrist cuff*

... : 3

Jade: -blinks- ...am I assuming when I think you have something for heem?
Sawa: you assume naught. :\ it's a small thing, but it's a thing.
Jade: awwww. kute.
Sawa: *blushes madly* SHADDAP
Jade: :D
Sawa: stupid pervert he is.
Jade: Hahahahahaha. -stares at the screen in disbelief- The girl left me a fucking note. And not only that, but she tried to make me feel stupid about myself. ...That's it. -writes furiously-
Sawa: *stays well out of her way* hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. that applies to you, to the letter.
Jade: Mmhmm. Oh, and can you copy that song "Man that you Fear," by Marilyn Manson, onto the same CD as the OhGr stufffff?
Sawa: kie
Jade: ...-pokle- WEE -huggles-
Sawa: *crawls inside her shirt* COOOLLLLLLDDDDDD
Jade: -blinks- I just took a bat. ^_^ Me warmmm.
Sawa: *clings to warmth* WARM ME UP, SCOTTEH
Jade: AHAHAHAHAHAH. -listens to minus and just stares blankly at the screen-
---
Jade: I wish I could gloat about this. -lowers her eyes slightly-
Sawa: gloat about what?
Jade: Nothing. Nevermind. -yawns-
Sawa: ......tell.
Jade: I need you to stay happy with your thing about Keith right now. Don't listen to anything I say anymore today.
Sawa: no. no, i won't be happy with keith and we know that, so tell me. and dont ever fucking hold things back again just to spare me some emotion.
Jade: I want you to bask in the wonderful confusing world of ren-ai. -shrugs slightly- You don't need a larger load.
Sawa: ....jade. come on.
Jade: -cradles her head in her hands- It hurt to let go of her. It hurt a LOT. I want her back already. But I want her to hurt. i can't decide. I'm going to be sick. Literally. And I think I really did snap. Look again at my journal, I'm too lazy to explain.
Sawa: >: she hurt you. >: she dies.
Jade: -lets out a flat laugh- If only it were that easy.
Sawa: i told you. i told you if she hurt you i'd be pissed off. and that doesn't even begin to describe what i'm feeling.
Jade: -sits there and watches Sawa quietly- I'll show you the R tomorrow.
Sawa: *curls up and rests her head on her knees, staring at the ground* i wish things weren't like this for you and i. and i wish i wasn't so afraid to let go of him because i fear that i might never love again.
Jade: -reaches out and grasps a lock of Sawa's hair, and then lets go- So do I, sometimes. But then Fate would come up with something worse to screw people like us over. That thing you told me this morning, by the way, about the script? It was brilliant.


Adrienne: oh my god, i think i'm momentarily falling in love with jade.
Sean: Didn't you hate her a week ago?
Adrienne: i never hate her, i just get mad that i can't have her.
Sean: Ah.
Adrienne: .......
Sean: Not going to tell me why you love her again? oO
Adrienne: ......i don't know why i fall in love. it's them. it's just.... them. as a whole. as a person. not any particular thing. jade's arrogant like you wouldn't believe. i can't find faults nor good things. people are just.. them.
Sean: I understand. Love isn't exactly the most logical thing, especially with you.
Adrienne: >: love knows no logic. or boundaries, for that matter. it's just.... HER. i GLOW inside when i'm with her.
Sean: And yet I haven't heard about the last time you said a KIND word to her. Let such sweet sentiment as THAT.
Adrienne: denial.
Sean: Well get over it, FOX.
Adrienne: I'M TRYING, WOLF.
Sean: Alright then.

Sean called meh earlier. I love it when he calls me out of the blue. I LOEV YOU SEAN YSE. :D *mwah*

Zite00: god damn girls
Zite00: i hate all this shit
Zite00: forget it
Zite00: im done
Zite00: you can all kiss my ass
Zite00: dont fall in love with a girl
Zite00: they suck
Zite00: youll regret it
Zite00: i promise

Green Hair: shut up and fux me
Sawa: o.o

Most Posts Ever Made In A Day Day. -_-

I know, Jade, that you must check my blog like ten times each day for new posts because you get bored easily, but this was so damn amusing I have to put it up, and I KNOW you've already read it, seeing as how you're IN IT. You can always read what I post tomorrow. :P

And never ever click on any link I give you ever again.

And that e-mail that came with the script was cute.

And the lovely lovely lyrics are from the band Kevin mentioned, The Juliana Theory. He's right, they're good. Like.. REALLY good. So go download them yah. And I couldn't find anything by Emery. Sho.. yah.

Sawa: ...is soif pronounced swaf or sahf? i'm confusing myself.
Jade: swaf. SUWAF. ANHAHAHAHAAAHAAHAAHAHAH. AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHA.
Sawa: ...
Jade: LOOKEEMELOOKEELOOKEELOOKEEEEEEEEMEEEEEEEEEE MEEEMEMEMEMEMEEMME MEEMEMMEMEMEEMMEMEEMEEE. -finally gone completely insane-
Sawa: holy jesus, she's finally snapped.
Jade: @_@ WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOHOOOOOAAAAA. XD -laughs hysterically-
Sawa: *flicks yakisoba at her*
Jade: -catches in her mouth- :3
Sawa: mmmmm yakisoba gooood
Jade: -uses the comp mic to stir her tea- :D I'm gonna braik thees ting.
Sawa: lol
Jade: HAAHHAHAHKAHAHA >:D -runs around- I have the caffeine in me now....MINUSE DEH HEADACHE! AAAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA
Sawa: o.o
Jade: -drinks like....really black tea- EEEEHEHEHEEHEHEE. -does the tea dance- :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I post you because I love you. :D

...Josiah was such a killjoy. Christ, I'm glad I'm not talking to him right now. He'd push me over the edge with his lameness.

Watch your mouth
Hold your toungue, boy
Because you're running out of breath
Running out of time before
Every careless word that you utter
Renders you utterly useless
Now you're drowning in your own saliva
Trying to speak yourself to
The top of your empty world
Keep on talking,
Just keep on rambling,
You've got your mouth full

Listen, here's the pleasant part
You and I, we fell apart
Listen, here's the pleasant part
You and I, we fell apart
Why can't you make up your mind?

Shut your mouth
Burn your bridges
Throw your words
Like an attack and
Stab me in the
Wait a second
Wait a second
What's that I just heard?
Nevermind, it's obviously worthless
Now you're standing on your soapbox,
Yelling from the rooftops
Everything you say is a lie

Listen, here's the clever one
Who speaks before his thoughts are done
Listen, here's the clever one
Who speaks before his thoughts are done
Why can't you make up your mind?

Now I hope you're pleased
You let your pride stand tall
It danced within your words
Right before you fall

Why don't you say that to my face?
I've been ripped up
Torn down
So many things
Every thing you
Every time you
Every word you say
If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

Chris: I have chemistry class tomorrow. it's a wonderful class really. I can draw a colourful analogy about it. I think of chemistry like I think of stairs. Stairs you're falling head first down covered in broken glass and sharpened nails, infested by several hordes of angry black widows, covered in toxic waste, and with lovely radioactive material cubes hanging above you like little lamps...with various vexing noises in the background and flashing lights blazing directly in your face.

Missa: <--just spent the last two hours in borders stalking a supposedly gay man. he was cute too. o_o; he works there. and I was like, O_O; *gaydar goes haywire* so I followed him around. he prolly thought I was stalking him. which I was. but..x.x; he's sooooo gay.

NickKitsagi: Ok, lemme try to fill in...
NickKitsagi: "Nick, you're annoying me; therefore I shall send these odd-looking demons to devour your soul."
NickKitsagi: Harsh, eh?
NickKitsagi: "I dunno. But the demons and such"
Paradox Lain: oh, not at all.
NickKitsagi: Damn
NickKitsagi: Was I close?
Paradox Lain: i'll pray to satan right now, in fact.
Paradox Lain: OH HOLY FATHER SATAN
NickKitsagi: Ahhh... ^^
Paradox Lain: BATHE THIS PURE HUMAN IN YOUR FILTH
NickKitsagi: I know him
Paradox Lain: RAISE HIM UP FROM GOOD INTO YOUR EVIL ARMS
NickKitsagi: Oh?
Paradox Lain: RESCUE HIS SOUL FROM THE CLUTCHES OF GOD
NickKitsagi: Last time he did that, I bit his hands and he dropped me
NickKitsagi: S'cuse me, we agreed to not to put me in any clutches *ahem* I do have my own religious cults...
Paradox Lain: THANK YOU SATAN. BLESS ME WITH YOUR ETERNAL DAMNATION. AMEN.
NickKitsagi: Ooh, sounds fun. Like happy!
Paradox Lain: i joined a cult. The Coven of the Damned Children of Our Lord Satan.
NickKitsagi: That's so much a bigger name than mine ^^;
Paradox Lain: i'm serious,
Paradox Lain: i'm becoming one with my dark side, and letting it engulf my very soul.
NickKitsagi: I am too, odd as it sounds ^^;
Paradox Lain: so far we've tortured two dogs and a cat.
NickKitsagi: Damn
Paradox Lain: we meet on friday nights.
Paradox Lain: we christen each meeting with blood from the previous one.
NickKitsagi: We ate snowcones and talked about swords ^^;
NickKitsagi: Oi...
Paradox Lain: i told them about you.
Paradox Lain: all about you.
Paradox Lain: they don't like you.
NickKitsagi: Good!
NickKitsagi: Hate me
NickKitsagi: I hope you do
NickKitsagi: I hope all of you do ^^
Paradox Lain: we all pray for our Lord to bathe you in the glory of his dark side
NickKitsagi: Oh, sounds like fun ^^
NickKitsagi: How's next Thursday? No religious meetings then
Paradox Lain: i told them you value the people around you more than yourself, so we're going to make a voodoo doll of your mother and cast our sacred spells on it.
NickKitsagi: Oh, if something happens to her...
NickKitsagi: I can assure you.. ^^
NickKitsagi: I'll dress up in a white robe...
NickKitsagi: Get my St. Michael's Holy Sword
NickKitsagi: And hunt you all down ^^
Paradox Lain: there's nothing you can do. we are the nameless, we are the faceless. this will be death with impunity.
NickKitsagi: *shrugs* Ooh. Definitely sounds fun
NickKitsagi: *rubs his hands together* I can't wait! ^^
Paradox Lain: it will be. we will promote you into our ranks, and you will christen the meeting after we kill her with her own BLOOD
Paradox Lain: i will pray again.
Paradox Lain: DEAR LORD SATAN
NickKitsagi: Question
Paradox Lain: ....what
NickKitsagi: .. You think I'll join?
Paradox Lain: we'll brainwash you.
NickKitsagi: Oh really
Paradox Lain: one of us specializes in that part of our cult.
NickKitsagi: Good luck ever finding me
Paradox Lain: you gave me your address, remember?
NickKitsagi: Ohohoho
Paradox Lain: we'll find you. :-)
NickKitsagi: Nah, if you're serious about me being brainwashed, that's sad ^^;
Paradox Lain: if our Lord Satan wills it, it will be so.
NickKitsagi: The hell it will
Paradox Lain: it will. we will pray night and day for it until it happens.
NickKitsagi: Why?
Paradox Lain: Satan told us our mission is to eradicate all that is good in the world, and help him instill his darkness across the lands.
NickKitsagi: Well, what makes me 'good'?
NickKitsagi: What is 'evil'?
Paradox Lain: Satan is evil. you are good because you believe in God. you believe, and your soul is bound by the morals of God.
NickKitsagi: Nope, wrong
NickKitsagi: I don't believe in God
NickKitsagi: Tsk, tsk, tsk...
Paradox Lain: you are driven by honor, courage and hope. those are good things.
NickKitsagi: *shrugs* Don't waste your time with me-- I'm the last one you need to worry about
NickKitsagi: Besides, I don't take anything seriously, not a good addition
NickKitsagi: Go after some monks or something
Paradox Lain: you're our next target. THE SPIRITS WILL COME FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
NickKitsagi: Kiss my ass.

...*bursts into giggles*

J Yuka Yuy: WRITE MORE IN BLOG.
J Yuka Yuy: ME BORED TO DEFF.
Paradox Lain: fine :\


TakeoGeo: Oh. My. GOD. Never stick links like that on your blog again.


New person. Cody. He's nice. :D

Sawa: nice info. :D
Cody: hmm. i dont remember what it says... ah.. short and simple
Sawa: thing is, i'm getting off isketch to memorize this french script in front of me, and i like the way you think. so here we are.
Cody: mind if i add you to me special list?
Sawa: not at all.
Cody: cool. most people on isketch annoy me. but you intrigued me
Sawa: it's become my job. i get it more often than not, and i have no idea why.
Cody: inexplicable
Sawa: ah well. another mystery to add to the pile.
Cody: so yer 16. hows that going for you
Sawa: it's pretty crappy. but i'll get over it. i'm going into running start next year, so the end of high school is within reach. one more semester...
Cody: thats cool. so you got things all planned out?
Sawa: somewhat. i know i want to go to college. and i know i want to write. and travel all over too. and that's as far as i've gotten.
Cody: i would like to travel.. but that wont be til much later
Sawa: how old are you?
Cody: 17
Sawa: *nods* so i'm not too far behind you.. my traveling will come before most everything. first comes writing, then traveling. and then everything else, like college.
Cody: im going right to college after highschool
Sawa: what do you want to be?
Cody: graphic artist
Sawa: that's pretty damn awesome. are you good?
Cody: ... i havent really been able to do anything on account of my crappy computer. i want a pen tablet thing so i can actually draw things. i used to have a paint program where i could edit pictures and stuff
Sawa: photoshop?
Cody: pretty much. i miss having it. i used to spend hours, just messing with pictures and things like that
Sawa: yeah. it's kind of like being quadriplegic without it.
Cody: im gonna get a decent computer sometime soon. and i hope to get a pen tablet. or at the very least a good paint program. it would be nice to turn it into a career somehow.
Sawa: yeah. i just do my website and blog, but i'm pretty good with programs like that.
Cody: blog.. ive seen that term a lot lately.. does it mean stuff?
Sawa: short for weblog. http://www.glass-tears.net/shojojisatsu/blog.html <-- that's mine. kind of like an online journal.
Cody: read one of your poem things
Sawa: yeah?
Cody: i liked it.

*gives self another twenty bucks for winning other bet*

"I really feel odd about this, but I'll be your friend! Here's a pat on the back for good measure. Wanna talk on the phone? Great! You want to meet me? Fine! Did you know if I were lesbian I'd give you a go? ...Oh wait, I've changed my mind. Oh, and being nice to you? Forget about it."

Missy gives me headaches. -_-

Jade: What a bitch. So not only does she have good taste in music, but she also has no sense of humor. -rolls her eyes- I can't stand her already and I haven't even met her.

*titters*

Oh, Jade.

<3

One thing I wish people would stop doing: taking things from people's journals/blogs/whatever and getting pissed off about it. Bloody hell, people, we're just venting. Let it be.

Pitiful.

It's aaaaall part of the healing process. Or is it? Maybe it's a sick chemical imbalance induced preoccupation. Either way, it's mine. And that's my arm. And it feels good to hurt on the outside again instead of the inside.

The URL: http://njdsm.asocialdisease.com/subliminal.html

The reaction:
J Yuka Yuy: -dies-
J Yuka Yuy: ...-deflates-
J Yuka Yuy: -sobs, deflated-
J Yuka Yuy: < - - - - scarred for life
J Yuka Yuy: -sobs more- Aaahhhhhhh....weehhhh...
J Yuka Yuy: -really has tears pooling in her eyes-
J Yuka Yuy: I had the volume all...up...
J Yuka Yuy: -blinks tears away-
J Yuka Yuy: ...I'll never be the same again.
J Yuka Yuy: ...ever.
J Yuka Yuy: -shakes like a leaf-
J Yuka Yuy: -shudders and just sits there trembling and making little whimpery sounds-
J Yuka Yuy: ..You ruined me.
J Yuka Yuy: :p
J Yuka Yuy: -ruined-
J Yuka Yuy: Damn you.
J Yuka Yuy: My skin is loose from jumping out of it.
J Yuka Yuy: -_-
Paradox Lain: well, now you get the satisfaction of sending it to people you know.
J Yuka Yuy: -actually did that-
Paradox Lain: ...what the hell was *************?
J Yuka Yuy: I think it was ***********.
Paradox Lain: yeah. and i'm not watching it again to check.
J Yuka Yuy: -quakes- Neither am I.
J Yuka Yuy: ...-shudder-
J Yuka Yuy: Eeeeeeee.
J Yuka Yuy: -looks around quickly-
J Yuka Yuy: ...Ooohh boy.

Sean: So basically this relationship would be marred by envy and possibly unfaithfulness.
Adrienne: or whatever. like i'd get into the "relationship" in the first place.
Sean: Has to happen sometime, even to you.
Adrienne: no.
Sean: Ah, right, you never plan to pursue love again.
Adrienne: fuck love and relationships. and happiness. and emotion. and people.
Sean: Hn. What's that leave?
Adrienne: pain and anger and logic.
Sean: Logic I can understand, but, what's the point of the pain and anger? Sounds a bit masochistic.
Adrienne: and we all know me.
Sean: Noted. But still, I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself. I should hop a flight to Washington and beat some sense into you.
Adrienne: i don't care. i'm angry and i want to be angry.
Sean: I know, I know, I've more or less accepted it.

I might have a pleasant surprise for you all soon. Maybe by Saturday, since I've been so busy.

"The end of a book is the death of a story and, no matter how long the author puts it off, all stories have to die. Even if the book is rewritten from the first page forward, or reread cover to cover, the essence of the story will remain the same, and the characters will be but cutouts of their former vital selves. Their lives—the period of time when they have their own wills and control their own destinies—are over. In the end, they have no future that isn’t stained in these pages. Anything else that happens to them is just illusion, dream, or lie."

Sawa: ...so i blocked him about three weeks ago. and that brings us up to date. -_-
Green Hair: -_-
Sawa: *lets out a long sigh*
Green Hair: this is the guy you still hold a place in your heart for?
Sawa: *wan smile* seems absurd, doesn't it.


Do NOT fuck with him, Adrienne. Don't. Don't.. do it.... don't.... DON'T....

DON'T DO IT, ADRIENNE.

DON'T.

DON'T DO IT.

BAD ADRIENNE.

NO.

NOOOOOO.

I know it hurts. It hurts reeeeeally bad. Being in that car. Being next to him, even. And you know why. But don't take it out on him. Don't. Don't fuck with him. PLEASE.

And for the gods' sake, stop your sniveling.

Consider the odds
Consider the obvious
The martyr is meaningless
The campaign has died
In the planning stages
And the fallen faces
Are the singular proof
It was ever alive
This purchased rebellion
Has been outbidded
Denounced and rescinded
And left to die championless

I begged you not to go
I begged you
I pleaded
Claimed you as my only hope
And watched the floor as you retreated
I begged you not to go
I begged you
I pleaded
Claimed you as my only hope
And watched the floor as you retreated

Hope has sprung a perfect dive
A perfect day
A perfect lie
A slowly crafted monologue
Conceding your defeat
This purchased rebellion
Has been outbidded
Denounced and rescinded
And left to die championless

Green Hair abandoned me at school, so I got a ride from Chris. I couldn't jump in the puddles. -_- I wanted to sooooo bad but Chris' stepdad wouldn't have wanted me to get water all over his car. I looked like a child just running around in the rain and shouting and laughing to myself anyway. :D

And when I got home Green Hair and I had a lyrics war and I won with Coldplay - Everything's Not Lost. Cause that's the best song for cheering people up ever. I feel so good right now. I wish I could go to his house.

I received an invitation to a poetry society in my e-mail. I accepted, and joined their forums, and am currently spewing my first onslaught of fabulously bullshit prose. (I love how I simultaneously praise and criticize the only ability I have.) I get invitations like this and then pretend that I can't write for shit. But I post anyway. Because deep down, I know I'm good. Really good. Better, in fact, than you. HAH!

Why do I always forget to mention these things, anyway? I still have to mail off my publicationy thing. :\

Such a slacka.

Back to the grant proposal. -_-

He's not coming back, Adrienne.

HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

Sawa: ...i found a guy i might like. and he can spell, too.
Chris: Oh?
Sawa: ...yeah.
Chris: So what about this guy?
Sawa: he's kinda... alright.
Chris: lol. Kinda....alright?
Sawa: i don't know. he likes me.
Chris: Right, right. I like you too. what else?
Sawa: um.. he has a... car? i don't know. he's nice. he's like josiah in a few ways.
[for example: he has josiah's old car. creepy/depressing? i think so.]
Chris: Ahhh... I have a car too. :P -hovers-
Sawa: he's.. kinda cute. he's a coder, major computer geek. listens to all the music i do, especially techno. watches anime. he's really sweet too :\
Chris: That's good
Sawa: *sigh*
Chris: what's the problem? -pokes-
Sawa: i don't know.. it's just.... i don't wanna get involved in anything at all. i'm doing everything half-assed as it is.
Chris: I see..
Sawa: *rubs her eyes* i don't want to fuck anything else up.
Chris: I understand.
---
Chris: I'm so tired...work is owning me.
Sawa: *petpetpet*
Chris: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...little susie was hit by a tractor. and then mauled by a bear as she lay bleeding on the ground.
Sawa: where the hell did that come from anyway.
Chris: -pokes own head- my sick mind
Sawa: it makes no damn sense, and that makes me like it more.
Chris: It's my usual style. You know it well, I think.
Sawa: indeed.
Chris: For the rest of this week, I will be approaching life with my usual bitter disdain for all humanity, but also with lots of imitations of various characters from films and anime throughout the ages. with very little of my own dialogue. you'll see little of that though, it's not as entertaining without the voice impressions
Sawa: i wish we lived closer together.
Chris: Me too.

Green Hair: I have to remind myself I'm not playing Carmaggedon, and I can't run the peds down.
Sawa: Kekekekeke... When I get my car, I want to leave. I want to just drive and never come back.
Green Hair: I know what you mean. It takes everything I have not to drive away...

He is so nice. He picked up and dropped off Chris for meh. -_- I didn't want to get out of his car when he dropped me off at home. Gaaaaahh.... Anyhow, he's still attatched to his ex. That's good, that means there's no chance for anything to grow at all. Which saves everyone time and money. Yay for logic in place of emotion.

For a minute there I lost myself.

http://www7.ocn.ne.jp/~helpme/flash/chinko_eng.swf

...I'm speechless. If you're wondering, they really are singing what the translation says.

Jade: TEA!
Sawa: o.o
Jade: TEAAAAAAATEATEATEATEATEA! -throws loose tealeaves everywhere- I will reed yore DUUM wif mah TEELEEVES!!!!!



Human emotion is the bane of my existence right now. I may like her, and I may like him...

*sighs longingly and watches Green Hair drive away*

...but I am right.

I. Am. Right.

We'll just have to part anyway. We'll separate anyway. Best not to get involved.

Yes.

Just forget this even exists.

Siiigh.

I want to have psychosurgery to remove the portions of me that secrete the chemicals that are making me feel like this.

New Klaha CD out. w00t. It's mediocre, a step up from his Malice Mizer bullshit.

Stained Velvet: 09- Chameleon no Seppun = Klaha jamming in a nightclub. I love it. ^_^
Paradox Lain: yeah, that a capella is...... *stabs self in eye with pen*
Stained Velvet: lol
Stained Velvet: yes, klaha should not do a capella. ><
Stained Velvet: nice try, sweetie. *pets him and gives him a cookie* don't call us, we'll call you.



Green Hair: you dont think much of me do you?
Sawa: *glances at him* i...
Green Hair: thinking im going to try to break you down and take advantage of you
Sawa: ....oh. my god. no. that's the last thing i would think.
Green Hair: now im confused
Sawa: no one fucking takes advantage of me unless i'm aware of it and allow it.
Green Hair: heh. I said try. so what did you think?
Sawa: i went against how i naturally am to talk to you. i like you. i talked during those first awkward silences because i couldn't stand the thought of just letting you drift off again. talking kept you where you were. i hardly ever talk, especially to people i don't know. but i was and am miserable. and i've lost everyone in one way or another. and... jesus christ, i don't know. ..*ducks back under desk* it's all bullshit concocted out of fear of something.
Green Hair: hehehe. you have more confidence then me, ill give you that. there's been a few times in this convo when i was going to tell you i liked you

...*gives self twenty dollars for winning bet*

Thing is, I didn't lie.

Hate.

Paradox Lain: *lets out a laugh* i used to watch you last year.
Zite00: are you serious?
Paradox Lain: yeah.
Zite00: every once in a while, i couldnt stop looking at you on the bus.
Paradox Lain: o.O
Zite00: headphones intrigue me :D
Paradox Lain: lol... pffffft..
Zite00: hahahahaha
Paradox Lain: i saw you around, with your friends. i thought you were some freshman wannabe popluar kid, because i always saw you laughing and stuff like that.
Zite00: heh
Paradox Lain: i'd stop on the stairs and just watch for a minute or so, and then leave.
Zite00: mostly a lie. i'd see you in the halls. watch you walk
Paradox Lain: i don't know why you stood out.
Zite00: maybe you saw through my lie?
Paradox Lain: it seemed like i saw you everywhere, i thought you were following me once but that was absurd.
Zite00: that feeling sounds so familiar, but i knew you couldnt be following me. usually when things like this happen im lying
Zite00: but I did watch you on the bus. your seclusion intrigued me.
Paradox Lain: why?
Zite00: im not sure
Zite00: i suppose im in the same place you are. i don't know why you stood out.
---
Paradox Lain: that thing you did with the sugar, i'll never forget that.
Zite00: nor will I
Zite00: wont forget the whipped cream either
Zite00: :D
Paradox Lain: lmao
Paradox Lain: finger thrusts.
Zite00: hahahahahaha

...Curious. For a moment there I thought I felt something.

http://www.mostnewyork.com/front/story/45580p-42789c.html

http://www.salon.com/books/int/2002/12/02/kupchan/index.html

Paradox Lain: "And here we are, once more tied to the rack of the cripplingly painful irony that is Dubya's National Sanctity of Life Day, in case you didn't know and in case you forgot to buy a card or something, and isn't it just the most adorable slap to your karmic consciousness you ever did hear?

Because there's Dubya himself, stammering on from a prepared script clearly written by someone else given all the polysyllabic words, all about cherishing life and protecting the unborn and isn't life just this great fuzzywarm glowing hunk of precious blah blah blah, ad nauseam, hey whoops gotta run folks time to massacre some Iraqis and decimate some forests, smirk.

What, too harsh? Hardly."
chibiukyou420: this isnt the melissa you think it is
Paradox Lain: doesn't matter, it's funny.
chibiukyou420: to each their own
Paradox Lain: ah...hm
chibiukyou420: okay
chibiukyou420: this is adrian right?
Paradox Lain: adrienne.
chibiukyou420: whichever
Paradox Lain: ...
Paradox Lain: well, this is all going down like a handful of bent nails.
chibiukyou420: and?
Paradox Lain: i'm going to go over here now.
chibiukyou420: good
chibiukyou420: know what i dont like?
Paradox Lain: no, i don't.
chibiukyou420: hmm well i wont tell. because i dont want melissa to be mad becuase i was being mean
Paradox Lain: ...uh huh.
chibiukyou420: okay
chibiukyou420: okay
chibiukyou420: eww thats a sin
Paradox Lain: ...
chibiukyou420: well it is
chibiukyou420 signed off at 8:06:31 PM.

...I hate people.

Paradox Lain: have you ever seen kodomo no omocha?
Stained Velvet: no, i have not
Stained Velvet: but i know the song Ultra Relax O-o;
Paradox Lain: i'm listening to that right now.
Stained Velvet: ^^
Paradox Lain: i <3 it. XD
Stained Velvet: caffeine crack pixies
Paradox Lain: precisely.

Update. :D

Tony: Damn your ferior writing skills.
Sawa: Well, me = published, you =/= published. That speaks for itself.
Tony: Psh... forget publishing Ciel. See if they'd publish the entire damn site...
Sawa: ^^
Tony: But, lookin' at all this... I wonder, is it so great being in touch with all your emotions?
Sawa: ...Are you implying I am?
---
Tony: Umm, Adrienne. ...How did you know that Josiah was the right one?
Sawa: ...I have no idea how to answer that.
Tony: Sorry if it's a touchy subject..
Sawa: It's not. I just... don't know how to answer that.



Sawa: Missy bailed on me. *sigh*
Jade: -blinks- What was her reason?
Sawa: At least she didn't wait till I was already there.... She said she just can't. And won't. And that she's sorry.
Jade: ...Pft.
Sawa: *drowns self in ramen* She's not sorry. She wanted me to cancel so she didn't have to. I hate that.
Jade: I'll kill her. It won't be just for you, but I will.
---
Sawa: I dedicate this layout to j00.
Jade: Yayyy! Thankies.
Sawa: ^_______^ *listens to Etta James*
Jade: Lalalala. -smacks computer because of slownesssss- ...-gasp- It's beautiful.
Sawa: *glows*
---
Jade: -consoles self with...SIGNED WARREN ZANES CD!!!!! They're going to be fucking huge in a year. I'll let you borrow their CD when i"m not all posessive of it.
Sawa: which = NEVAR.
Jade: I WIIILLLLL
Sawa: cause you're all psycho obsessy about EVERYTHING
Jade: -laughs- I am.
Sawa: "OMG LOOK IT'S A TREE"
Jade: -grins like a moron- Tha's me.

*swoon*

Yeah, perfect, Adrienne, fall for the one YOU CAN'T HAVE.

*siiiiiigh*

It's not falling, it's just a soft spot. I just care about her. Love's absurd anyway, she has all of her people and everything... No room for me. I'm fine with that. I'd just have to leave everyone anyway. Best not to root yourself in the ground if you're just going to blow away again.

Oh, right. Yesterday. *sips shirley temple*

Green Hair's making it a habit of taking me home after skool.

We traded shoes and walked around to different classrooms gathering his progress reports and other things. I gave him his shoes and asked for mine back. He said no. I told him I wouldn't leave until he gave them back. And sat down on the sidewalk. He walked off, saying, "Fine, you sit there, I'm going home with your shoes."

I knew he wouldn't just leave me there, and waited. He came back, and we had a standoff on the sidewalk. He also managed to take my socks, though I think I let him. Short story long, I got my shoes back.

Green Hair: So, where do you want to go?
Sawa: Seattle.
Green Hair: ...
Sawa: You asked.
Green Hair: Something a bit closer.
Sawa: Tacoma.
Green Hair: ...Tacoma it is.
Sawa: :D

We didn't go to Tacoma for numerous reasons. (None of them being how illogical it was.)

Green Hair: Where the fuck is a fucking payphone. *looks around*
Sawa: ...You're on the wrong side of the street.
Green Hair: No I'm not.
Sawa: ...Yes, you are. GET ON THE RIGHT FUCKING SIDE.
Green Hair: *sees the cars coming toward them* ........Shit. *drives into an empty parking lot*
Sawa: The stoplights facing the wrong direction might've been a hint.
Green Hair: Shut up.

So instead of Tacoma, we found ourselves at Denny's. He opened the door for me, and got me a fucking strawberry milkshake (which I didn't ask for) and even paid for it, which pissed me off even more.

Sawa: Oh my god, you have manners.
Green Hair: No. NO.
Sawa: Yes you do! You've lost your slacker status!
Green Hair: ...*weeps into hands*

I told him the only people I let pay for stuff are people like Patrick, the ones that I'm using, and said I'd pay him back, and he told me to shut up and forget about it, so that was that.

Green Hair: *puts packet of sugar in his water and watches it*
Sawa: ..It's snowing sugar.
Green Hair: *nods sagely*
Sawa: *watches closely*
Green Hair: *dumps packet into her water* Now it's snowing in yours too.

He drove me home, came in for a bit, left, and I went to sleep.

For 14 hours.

The end.

Sawa: Do you still want to meet?
Missy: *shakes her head*

...What was I thinking? That she'd just open like a flower?

Christ.

I'm going to go hide. And plot things.

But they didn't love you in our time.
Nobody wants you in your life.
Bleed and they'll serve you alive.

Chris: I'm on break. I have been since December 18th or whatever.
Sawa: aaaah.
Chris: I don't have to go back until...a while.
Sawa: well, i hate you.
Chris: that's okay. because I made $135 at work this week. which makes me feel better. because I can get a deck for my car soon. -hugs car-
Sawa: hee hee. so many people getting their own cars :\
Chris: I've had my own car. it's sexy. SEX. AH.
Sawa: so you've had it, have you.
Chris: Oh yes. Jordan saw me hugging and kissing it today. We all know where it went from there.

Jade: -stares blankly at the SciFi channel- "For men, Johnny. For men." -sings the Twilight Zone theme-
Sawa: what the fuck's a super happy tree? *glares at isketch*
Jade: Uhhh.... One that has lots of sun? -wheedles- Arteecle..?
Sawa: fawk you
Jade: _(0).(0)_ (googly eyes)
Sawa: i'm working onit. i'm going BRAIN DEAD. DEEEEEAAAAAAADDDDD.
Jade: -cries in a corner-
Sawa: *falls over*
Jade: Eeeee....-sobsobsniff-
Sawa: *corpse crawls over to her via genius skilzz*
Jade: ;_;
Sawa: *patpatpatpetpetpatpetpet*
Jade: -points at TV- Twilight Zone make you unbraindead. -grins- -just goes limp like a nudle and flops over-
Sawa: i like the episode where you can like... and there was this.......... i can't remember.
Jade: -just laughs- You so funnie.
Sawa: checken zee e-mail.
Jade: ...??
Sawa: CHECKEN ZEE E-MAIL, VOMAN
Jade: ...You sent me a blank email. You. Sent...meeeee...a blank emaillll..
Sawa: ........
Jade: Eet has nothing attached. Just....subject line..
Sawa: checken zee e-mail
Jade: ...okayyy.. THere's noseeeng there.
Sawa: CHECKEN ZE E-MAIL AGAIN
Jade: OKAY.
Sawa: hee
Jade: Nope. Noseeng.
Sawa: god damit. spelling hath gone to hell
Jade: Yees. -waits for a sec- dere we go.
Sawa: and there was much rejoicing across the land.
Jade: Yeeesss.
---
Jade: -sniffles- Ish cold here.
Sawa: not here. ish warm here. toasty. like toaster oven. I LIVE IN A TOASTER OVEN.
Jade: Ooooh boy.
Sawa: *butters self*
Jade: -blinks- ....the Hell?
Sawa: i am TOAST.
Jade: -falls over laughing hysterically- XD GAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA.

...We're strange ones yse.

FILLER BUNNY!


I drew that in US History. We were taking notes and I got very very bored.

http://www.petitiononline.com/pnyarcad/petition.html

Instead of ranting and raving, here's short and to the point:

Please stop wanting to screw me everyone plzkthx.

*sighs and shoves her head under a pillow*

Thank you for driving me home, Green Hair. : )

FUCKING ROUTER.

"Saftey" < ACTUALLY BEING ABLE TO USE THE FUCKING CONNECTION

Jesus Christ, people. So what if there's limited access to the 100mbps cable run into the house? 400KBPS IS FINE WITH ME, I'D JUST LIKE TO BE ABLE TO DIRECT CONNECT ON AIM AND USE iSKETCH. Did you even stop to think that maybe it's something else, like THE FUCKING NETWORK THAT FELL OUT OF STEVE'S ASS? I swear to the GODS I couldn't BEGIN to fix his numerous mistakes.

And let me repeat: THERE ARE NOT MALICIOUS CRACKERS SYSTEMATICALLY HUNTING OUR SINGLE COMPUTER DOWN, AND THE ROUTER MAKES A VERY SMALL DIFFERENCE IN HOW MANY TIMES WE'RE PINGED/SNIFFED.

Paranoid fucktards.

-_-

I hover at her bedside at the end of my walk across her room, and realize I have left the window open. No matter, I suppose. Kneeling at her side, I watch her pallid blue skin in new morning's cold light as I draw a soft pattern over the small scars on her arm with a finger.

"Oh, you."

A sudden thought forms in my head, little flashes of fantasy. This unattainable girl chained, bound, my hands beating her, skin bruising under my blows. I feel the need to hold her down, to pin her to corkboard. I want her to be stalled death on display for my own satisfaction. I want to free her from this place and tie her down somewhere else.

I want her to reciprocate all the warmth I have for her clinging to the inside of my hollowed out being. I don’t want anyone to have her; I want to claim her as my own and make sure no one can ever touch her. I want to be the one to feel every inch of her, break her bones with my own force, take the rage inside of me out on her just so she can know and understand what it feels like.

She won’t be mine until I can take her from these thin sheets that let her shiver, and feed her with myself.

The thoughts I have frighten me in some distant place long ago forgotten. The estrangement from discrimination between right and wrong grows as I realize that even when I have forcibly put the passing images out of mind, I still want what they had shown.

I wish she hadn't done what I asked. I don't want her like this, far away from me. I know I can't take her with me. But I need her. And nothing can keep me from her now.

I wrap my hands around her small throat, and press down delicately, testing the feeling of my sudden power. She shivers and awakes, eyes opening and staring up at me. Her trance breaks with a blink, and a scream of pain escapes. Holding her with a much tighter grip, I lean onto her, crushing her beneath me, and I look deep down into her eyes for a succession of long moments.

I watch her fading struggle. She mouths words at me, but I cannot make them out. She falls utterly silent at last, her eyes and limbs and breath still, and the faintest fluttering of a pulse disappears beneath my tense hands. I pick her up into my arms and hold her against me, shutting my eyes and rocking back and forth gently.

They are coming now; I can hear their steps on the stairs. Coming to check on their captive. A tentative calling of my little one's name falls against the closed door, and more shuffling footsteps. I weave my fingers into her hair and hold her against me.

The gravity of what I’ve just done begins to sink in as the door opens. There will be no more small giggles over the phone, no questions bouncing back and forth. No presents, no letters, no pictures she has lush embarrassment for. No secrecy, although there was never much of that on her part to begin with. No more anything.

A gasp and a question. "What have you done?" I look up at her teary-eyed mother, offering nothing in the way of explanation. How can she understand?

Her mother runs from the room, and I stand, lifting her with me, holding her. I brush aside the billowing curtains from the window and step over the sill to the ground, and carry her out after myself. With her in my arms, appendages dangling stiffly, I walk down the sidewalk and away from her prison, my feet quiet on the pavement in the silence of dawn.

She is free.