Sam: There's something about you that inspires a deep, unmitigated HATRED.
Sawa: that's amazing, considering you don't know me. you must be psychic.
Sam: You don't know me. Maybe I am. Why are you going back to Tony again. Angry that your handy work got shrugged off the first time?
Sawa: ahah! if you were psychic, you'd know the answer to that.
Sam: Perhaps that's why I said maybe. But, maybe I can't read people's minds. Because that would be telepathic. You still haven't answered my question, Reject of Leviathan.
Sawa: 'twas brillig. and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. : )
Sam: Answer in a way I understand
Sawa: all mimsy were the borogoves, and the momeraths outgrabe. i'll let you know right now that this is a big waste of your time. you're free to go as you please. beware the jabberwock my boy. the jaws that bite, the claws that catch. beware the jubjub bird and shun the fruminous bandersnatch.
Sam: Stop reciting stupid stories no one reads.
Sawa: he took his vorpal sword in hand; long time the manxome foe he sought! *holds imaginary sword and swishes it through the air a few times* so rested he by the tumtum tree, and stood awhile in thought. and, as in uffish thought he stood, the jabberwock, with eyes of flame, came whiffling through the tulgey wood and burbled as it came. one two! one two! *swish swish* and through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! he left it dead, and with its head *picks up jabberwock's head* he went galumphing back. *trots around in a wide circle* "and has thou slain the jabberwock? come to my arms, my beamish boy! o frabjous day! callooh! callay!" he chortled in his joy. *raises arms triumphantly* *adds a little tune to the words* 'twas brilliiiig, and the slithy toooves did gyre and gimble in the waaabe. all mimsyyy were the borogooooves, and the momeraths outgraaaabe! *bows*
Sam: So... you're insane as well, that explains a lot
Sawa: second verse same as the first! beware the jabberwock, my boy! the jaws that bite, the claws that catch! beware the jubjub bird and shun the fruminous bandersnatch! he took his vorpal sword in hand *grabs sword from the ground* long time the manxome foe he sought *searches into the distance* so rested he by the tumtum tree, and stood awhile in thought. *stands and leans against nothing*
Sam: For the love of GOD, stop your psychotic banter.
Sawa: and, as in uffish thought he stood *mimics you* the jabberwock, with eyes of FLAME *drops sword and throws arms out, roaring* came whiffling through the tulgey wood and burbled as it came! *burbles*
Sam: LORD, I want to hurt you. Satan will not be merciful on your soul.
Sawa: *picks up sword and swings it about, thrusting and jabbing* one! two! one! two! and throught and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! *snicker-snacks for sound effect* he left it dead *falls over, playing dead* and with its head *picks own imaginary decapitated head up* he went galumphing back! *galumphs* *roars like a proud father would* "and has thou slain the jabberwock? come to my arms, my beamish boy! o frabjous day! callooh! callay!" he chortled in his joy. *chortles and does a victory dance* shall we go backwards? i think so!
Sam: I'm gonna be straight with you. The blocking isn't working. Isn't that a hoot? I insult you, just to find my block doesn't work! LMFAO
Sawa: .ebaaaaargtuo shtaremom eht dna ,sevogorob eht erew ysmim lla .ebaw eht ni elbmig dna eryg did sevot yhtils eht dna ,gillirb sawt'
Sam: Wow. You worked hard on that.
Sawa: .yoj sih ni deltrohc eh "!yallac !hoollac !yad suojbarf o !yob hsimaeb ym ,smra ym ot emoc ?kcowrebbaj eht nials uoht sah dna" shall i continue? are you ready to have an adult conversation?
Sam: Okay, adult conversation it is. I can't help but admire the way you tortured me into submission. Good show!
I won. :D Because we did have an adult conversation after that. A very adult conversation that ended in him swearing up a storm and asking me about my masturbation practices.
Boys are so easy.
4.29.2003
Sawa: ...I can hear your disbelief.
Chris: You'd better get out of the way, I'm not sure I can deal with this without a flash-flood of sarcasm.
Sawa: *steps to the right a bit*
Jhoh: Okay. Well that's weird, that's all I know.
Sawa: Yeah.
Jhoh: You're weird. And you claim to be 16.
Sawa: i am. :\
Jhoh: Hrruhfsfd. ..Well alright.
Sawa: i've been all over auburn, through federal way and parts of tacoma. LOVE DRIVING OMG. *-*
Tony: I've been in this few blocks of Alghetto -_-
Sawa: you'll get there. :3
Tony NERVOUS OGM IS OKEEEEE THO :D
Sawa: yesh
Tony: Duraaibin. XD
Sawa: supaa duraaibingu, kamupurito wizu no kurashezu!
Tony: XD Oh, that was almost harder to read than l33t. Hai! Kurashezu ja nai!
Sawa: |337 15 |-|4R|) 70 R34|)?
Tony: 47 7|/\/\35. |)3p3/\/|)5 0/\/ 73|-| p3r50/\/.
Sawa: 50/\/\3 |o30|o|3'5 |337 5|_|(|<5.
Tony: |)3 g0z4r|_| y0.
Half of them are conversations because I post all the good stuff elsewhere. :x
Chris: You'd better get out of the way, I'm not sure I can deal with this without a flash-flood of sarcasm.
Sawa: *steps to the right a bit*
Jhoh: Okay. Well that's weird, that's all I know.
Sawa: Yeah.
Jhoh: You're weird. And you claim to be 16.
Sawa: i am. :\
Jhoh: Hrruhfsfd. ..Well alright.
Sawa: i've been all over auburn, through federal way and parts of tacoma. LOVE DRIVING OMG. *-*
Tony: I've been in this few blocks of Alghetto -_-
Sawa: you'll get there. :3
Tony NERVOUS OGM IS OKEEEEE THO :D
Sawa: yesh
Tony: Duraaibin. XD
Sawa: supaa duraaibingu, kamupurito wizu no kurashezu!
Tony: XD Oh, that was almost harder to read than l33t. Hai! Kurashezu ja nai!
Sawa: |337 15 |-|4R|) 70 R34|)?
Tony: 47 7|/\/\35. |)3p3/\/|)5 0/\/ 73|-| p3r50/\/.
Sawa: 50/\/\3 |o30|o|3'5 |337 5|_|(|<5.
Tony: |)3 g0z4r|_| y0.
Half of them are conversations because I post all the good stuff elsewhere. :x
So I'll sleep out in the gutter
You can sleep here on the floor
Spontaneously went outside and gave birth to a tree from my dusty hands. Sketching huge chalk pictures helps level my head. The one I bore onto the driveway is bigger than me. It has a pink trunk, orange branches, and white, yellow, and blue leaves. Took out one of my fingernails and ran out of white and yellow and I couldn't be prouder.
And I knew the world was over
So I took a look outside
And watched the fires that were reaching
Up to the weather vanes and the tops of trees
And the waiting scene and the Sunday dream
They're all waiting here for me
You can sleep here on the floor
Spontaneously went outside and gave birth to a tree from my dusty hands. Sketching huge chalk pictures helps level my head. The one I bore onto the driveway is bigger than me. It has a pink trunk, orange branches, and white, yellow, and blue leaves. Took out one of my fingernails and ran out of white and yellow and I couldn't be prouder.
And I knew the world was over
So I took a look outside
And watched the fires that were reaching
Up to the weather vanes and the tops of trees
And the waiting scene and the Sunday dream
They're all waiting here for me
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play?
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
So I start a revolution from my bed
Cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside, summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
And so Sally can wait
She knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger I heard you say
Oasis saves the day.
I followed the Vash clone around a little today. She and her trenchcoat fascinate me.
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play?
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
So I start a revolution from my bed
Cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside, summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
And so Sally can wait
She knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger I heard you say
Oasis saves the day.
I followed the Vash clone around a little today. She and her trenchcoat fascinate me.
Kyle and I did wonderfully for the short night we had to work in, and along with us a few others brought food too, so I had a lunch of bean dip and tortilla chips. I thought I hated bean dip. Go figure.
So I have to figure out the whole coffee thing for French, and do my History shoelaces (don't ask) and do my piled up Chemistry and Geometry homework. And my Psych experiment.
We had a guest speaker in Psych today, another lecture about Perls and Ellis and humanistic inanity. We colored all period pretty much. I printed out someone's story and re-read it for the hundredth time as I colored on the back of one of the two pages. Justin behind me and I talked about our "rose bushes". Mine wasn't a rose bush at all, just a gangly bunch of thorned vines with buds at the bottom of the ocean. His was a typical garden variety pink-petal. Really small.
Interesting how none of it makes sense.
We also colored in hearts with four colors representing anger, sadness, happiness and fear. My heart's rather... *raises an eyebrow* True to the moment. Anger at the top, sadness below it. The majority scared, and slivers of the sides and a small circle in the middle happy. Take from that what you will, most of you get it all wrong anyway.
Blahh...
Nightly Roman feasts
Pause to vomit up rich foods
And screw slaves senseless
*laughs* I'm so bored here.
Off to Chemistry.
So I have to figure out the whole coffee thing for French, and do my History shoelaces (don't ask) and do my piled up Chemistry and Geometry homework. And my Psych experiment.
We had a guest speaker in Psych today, another lecture about Perls and Ellis and humanistic inanity. We colored all period pretty much. I printed out someone's story and re-read it for the hundredth time as I colored on the back of one of the two pages. Justin behind me and I talked about our "rose bushes". Mine wasn't a rose bush at all, just a gangly bunch of thorned vines with buds at the bottom of the ocean. His was a typical garden variety pink-petal. Really small.
Interesting how none of it makes sense.
We also colored in hearts with four colors representing anger, sadness, happiness and fear. My heart's rather... *raises an eyebrow* True to the moment. Anger at the top, sadness below it. The majority scared, and slivers of the sides and a small circle in the middle happy. Take from that what you will, most of you get it all wrong anyway.
Blahh...
Nightly Roman feasts
Pause to vomit up rich foods
And screw slaves senseless
*laughs* I'm so bored here.
Off to Chemistry.
4.28.2003
I was joking, Jade. No, really. I said I was done with this and I am, I have no interest in having a relationship ever again. I don't want to be loved and I don't want to love and I don't want to feel obliged to do anything. It doesn't matter what anyone feels. I'm not going to even take a step in that direction, not now and hopefully not ever. What a mess, what a god damned mess it all was, and I'm not doing it again. I'm not going to be the idiot. Let other people make fools of themselves, I want no part.
Molly was a good girl
And she knew the reasons why
I'm going to DROWN in homework. So many things on my mind.
Robbie: It's odd to see you at such a loss.
Robbie's not totally cracked out now. He's a lot calmer. He went to my website and saw what had become of the project he inspired. We talked about a lot of things. Like Josiah.. And Robbie was really nice about it. I got kind of, er, scared at first, because his icon was.. yeah. And I thought Robbie was still hyperobsessive after all these months. (Odd, I want to say years but it's been five months. @_@) But I scared him by mentioning the woman he ended up living with after I let him down with the gentle touch of a plane crash. Fuck... Past is mess. That's why we leave it the hell alone. So why did I bring this back up?
Sawa: *stares at his icon*
Robbie: I... don't even know what it is now. What is it?
Sawa: Gloves. From Ride.
Robbie: Ach, my little bleeding boy. I never knew where he was from. Should have known you would.
._. Well, I still have my touch; he had no idea I would even think of coming around again. We got a little testy at first.
Robbie: Well, I know one thing you might want. Go on, drag it out of me. You're not making it any fun.
Sawa: *stares at him*
Robbie: Have you lost your fire?
It was creepy and felt weird and wrong. But we loosened up fast-like. After, of course, he told me how lame how he got to where he is was. And we talked about warnings and the past and compared them and blah blah blah. Shit happened, that's over with.
Sawa: Josiah left me.
Robbie: It's what he does best.
Sawa: It's as if I'm standing on the North Pole and my compass dial is just spinning round and round.
Robbie: No matter where you go, you'll be facing the same direction.
*laughs to herself miserably and holds her screams down* Talking about that wasn't fun. I'm sure he was immensely relieved to hear that as everyone else was. Nevermind that someone got hurt, it's finally over! THANK. GOD. Right? Is that what you all thought?
Molly was a
Molly was a
We're changing subjects. *grimaces and sinks back down into her chair* Even if someone wanted to be inside here going through this with me, I wouldn't let them. I don't want to leave my post at the doorway. I could sit here forever watching him turn pages of books and lay in the sun. Intense concentration. He doesn't read in real life, though, I just like the thought of him focusing so hard on something. I like watching his face.
Molly
Molly
Molly was a
*reaches a hand out* Dust motes all around him sprawled on the floor.. *lets her hand fall where it may*
Leave me to my insanity. I don't want to leave this frozen time.
Molly was a good girl
And she knew the reasons why
I'm going to DROWN in homework. So many things on my mind.
Robbie: It's odd to see you at such a loss.
Robbie's not totally cracked out now. He's a lot calmer. He went to my website and saw what had become of the project he inspired. We talked about a lot of things. Like Josiah.. And Robbie was really nice about it. I got kind of, er, scared at first, because his icon was.. yeah. And I thought Robbie was still hyperobsessive after all these months. (Odd, I want to say years but it's been five months. @_@) But I scared him by mentioning the woman he ended up living with after I let him down with the gentle touch of a plane crash. Fuck... Past is mess. That's why we leave it the hell alone. So why did I bring this back up?
Sawa: *stares at his icon*
Robbie: I... don't even know what it is now. What is it?
Sawa: Gloves. From Ride.
Robbie: Ach, my little bleeding boy. I never knew where he was from. Should have known you would.
._. Well, I still have my touch; he had no idea I would even think of coming around again. We got a little testy at first.
Robbie: Well, I know one thing you might want. Go on, drag it out of me. You're not making it any fun.
Sawa: *stares at him*
Robbie: Have you lost your fire?
It was creepy and felt weird and wrong. But we loosened up fast-like. After, of course, he told me how lame how he got to where he is was. And we talked about warnings and the past and compared them and blah blah blah. Shit happened, that's over with.
Sawa: Josiah left me.
Robbie: It's what he does best.
Sawa: It's as if I'm standing on the North Pole and my compass dial is just spinning round and round.
Robbie: No matter where you go, you'll be facing the same direction.
*laughs to herself miserably and holds her screams down* Talking about that wasn't fun. I'm sure he was immensely relieved to hear that as everyone else was. Nevermind that someone got hurt, it's finally over! THANK. GOD. Right? Is that what you all thought?
Molly was a
Molly was a
We're changing subjects. *grimaces and sinks back down into her chair* Even if someone wanted to be inside here going through this with me, I wouldn't let them. I don't want to leave my post at the doorway. I could sit here forever watching him turn pages of books and lay in the sun. Intense concentration. He doesn't read in real life, though, I just like the thought of him focusing so hard on something. I like watching his face.
Molly
Molly
Molly was a
*reaches a hand out* Dust motes all around him sprawled on the floor.. *lets her hand fall where it may*
Leave me to my insanity. I don't want to leave this frozen time.
Sawa: Excuse my skittishness, but I personally think it's well justified.
Robbie: Maybe.
Sawa: *laughs nervously* Maybe doesn't exist.
*clings to herself*
Mother fucking Christ. I hate the past.
You shut your mouth
He'll see, he'll know. I DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW.
How can you say
Don't make me do this, Sawa.
Robbie: Maybe.
Sawa: *laughs nervously* Maybe doesn't exist.
*clings to herself*
Mother fucking Christ. I hate the past.
You shut your mouth
He'll see, he'll know. I DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW.
How can you say
Don't make me do this, Sawa.
I've made a cameo appearance. *laughs* If lies are fresh air, then my lungs should be as clear as glass.
Breathe them in, breathe them out.
Feel so lethargic.
Meh.
Breathe them in, breathe them out.
Feel so lethargic.
Meh.
Two hours of sleep.. not enough.
I made a loop:
Wasting away to
Nothing ever correctly
Figures how we're all
Chemistry does wonders for my..
...I lost my train of thought. Damn.
We have John Travolta for a substitute in Geometry.
I broke the promise I made to myself. I broke it with half a bottle of vanilla scented lotion. We will not talk about what that promise was.
I'm getting a domain. I found amgine.com is taken by someone who ISN'T EVEN USING IT. What a waste. So I needed to think of something else, preferrably something that DOESN'T refer to Josiah.
And then: Omnithought. Hell fucking yes. Omnithought.com.
Today's experiment... success.
I made a loop:
Wasting away to
Nothing ever correctly
Figures how we're all
Chemistry does wonders for my..
...I lost my train of thought. Damn.
We have John Travolta for a substitute in Geometry.
I broke the promise I made to myself. I broke it with half a bottle of vanilla scented lotion. We will not talk about what that promise was.
I'm getting a domain. I found amgine.com is taken by someone who ISN'T EVEN USING IT. What a waste. So I needed to think of something else, preferrably something that DOESN'T refer to Josiah.
And then: Omnithought. Hell fucking yes. Omnithought.com.
Today's experiment... success.
Jade: :x Reed my blog before you block mee.
Sawa: You have no idea why I blocked you, so don't bother. I have nothing against you, nothing's wrong, nothing happened, I'm fine and you're fine. Everyone's fine.
Jade: >.> Really?
Sawa: Yes. Really. It seems I can't even do what I set out to in the first place.
Jade: o.o 'splain?
Sawa: I think you'd get upset.
Jade: o.O Can't get anymore upset than not knowing. Go ahead and tell me. I can handle it.
Sawa: Well, you see, I was trying to see if I could get away from the atmosphere around you. I thought that if I blocked you and had a weekend in which I could refocus before I dive into the next week, I'd be better with things in general. But your ambiance is a vacuum, and even when I'm gone I'm still in it. So I gave up. And this next week is going to be a very strange one.
Jade: -blinks- That was supposed to upset me? I must be confused.
Sawa: I watered that down quite a bit.
Jade: I've done the same thing with you, though.
Sawa: I got weird around you. I get weird around you, everything goes *SLPODE* and it ends up being me bending to you. I'm done with that. And it has nothing to do with this "personality clash needing to spend time away from each other" b.s.
Jade: o.o Okies.
Sawa: It's simply that.. I'm done with everything. I'm done with tripping when you do and bobbling my head like Cambria or whatever the fuck her name is. I have problems with what you do, and that's okay. It's all okay!
Jade: -waves hands around- AYMEN.
Sawa: Worse shit has happened. Life isn't over. And for god's sake, why do you copy me? Is what I say that great that what you have to say isn't?
Jade: ..-sits down like a good evangelist- Sometimes yeh.
Sawa: You have things to say too! SO SAY THEM!
Jade: SAYING! Agh. SAAYIIIIING.
Sawa: It doesn't matter if it's bad. It doesn't matter if no one's listening. You have things to say, so say them and stop holding back. What I have to say isn't more important than what you do. No one is more important than you. No one is LESS important than you.
Jade: o.o -wobbly eyes- Eer.
Sawa: We are not better or worse, we're just different.
Jade: :x -looks around-
Sawa: When people have something bad to say about you, it's NOT because they're wrong. Nothing's wrong or right! It's because of how they were raised, or what they did today, or who said what to them. I'm so sick of saying that people are wrong when they aren't. And Britney has a nice ass. Yes, that Britney.
Jade: -shudders- You're..well..entitled to your opinion.
Sawa: I wanted to mention that to you because I thought it. Doesn't make me wrong, doesn't make me lose points because there aren't points to be HAD. This isn't a contest. But I couldn't say it. Because I thought I would somehow lose.
Jade: Let us agree to disagree. -.-
Sawa: I don't think I'm just ranting to us, I think I'm ranting to everyone. I think this needs to be said and people need to fucking open their eyes. So, I'm not going to hold back anymore because I think someone might lose, or because something bad might happen. Things fall into place when you do what you need to. I can't believe I didn't see that before. You know, while I'm at it, I'm just going to lay it all out.
Jade: Okays.
Sawa: There are some parts of you that just GLOW when the right things happen, and I like that about you. There are some things I HATE about you, that I wish I could cut out and throw away, but then you wouldn't be you. You're a catalyst, but you're not a catalyst for tragedy. NO. You're a catalyst for enlightenment. Anything could be, but you ARE. I hate to see you sad when you're something so great. I hate to know that I can't do anything to change it. I hate to know that this doesn't have an end in sight. If any part of you were missing, I wouldn't love you. Yes. Yes, I love you, in some strange way I don't even understand. You're absolutely perfect the way you are, because if there were any part of you that wasn't like this, we wouldn't be here right now, and I wouldn't be saying this. *takes a deep breath and sits down* Christ.
Jade: ...-patpatpat-
Sawa: Don't pat me. Don't, please, it's degrading. I said it and I'm fine with what I said. I was going to wait till you left, but what good would that do me?
Jade: o.o Okays.
Sawa: You don't need to do anything. Nothing at all. This will die on its own. I knew it wasn't reciprocated, but it's there anyway and I need to admit it. So it's free now, and I don't feel heavy anymore.
Jade: I wish I could. -sigh- I don't know what the Hell keeps me from doing it. But I can tell you that I was honestly frustrated when I figured out you had blocked me.
Sawa: Jade, it's not a big deal. Don't feel forced or anything at all, because it's okay. I'm okay and you're okay. And tomorrow's going to be fucking fantastic.
Jade: o.o Whai?
Sawa: Why? Because I don't have to hold anything in anymore. I'm not going to say anything under my breath that could be said out loud. I'm going to deal with my consequences.
Holy Christ.
I think I've just done something either horrible or spectacular.
"My manner of thinking, so you say, cannot be approved. Do you suppose I care? A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others! My manner of thinking stems straight from my considered reflections; it holds with my existence, with the way I am made. It is not in my power to alter it; and were it, I'd not do so. This manner of thinking you find fault with is my sole consolation in life; it alleviates all my sufferings in prison, it composes all my pleasures in the world outside, it is dearer to me than life itself. Not my manner of thinking but the manner of thinking of others has been the source of my unhappiness. The reasoning man who scorns the prejudices of simpletons necessarily becomes the enemy of simpletons; he must expect as much, and laugh at the inevitable."
Sawa: You have no idea why I blocked you, so don't bother. I have nothing against you, nothing's wrong, nothing happened, I'm fine and you're fine. Everyone's fine.
Jade: >.> Really?
Sawa: Yes. Really. It seems I can't even do what I set out to in the first place.
Jade: o.o 'splain?
Sawa: I think you'd get upset.
Jade: o.O Can't get anymore upset than not knowing. Go ahead and tell me. I can handle it.
Sawa: Well, you see, I was trying to see if I could get away from the atmosphere around you. I thought that if I blocked you and had a weekend in which I could refocus before I dive into the next week, I'd be better with things in general. But your ambiance is a vacuum, and even when I'm gone I'm still in it. So I gave up. And this next week is going to be a very strange one.
Jade: -blinks- That was supposed to upset me? I must be confused.
Sawa: I watered that down quite a bit.
Jade: I've done the same thing with you, though.
Sawa: I got weird around you. I get weird around you, everything goes *SLPODE* and it ends up being me bending to you. I'm done with that. And it has nothing to do with this "personality clash needing to spend time away from each other" b.s.
Jade: o.o Okies.
Sawa: It's simply that.. I'm done with everything. I'm done with tripping when you do and bobbling my head like Cambria or whatever the fuck her name is. I have problems with what you do, and that's okay. It's all okay!
Jade: -waves hands around- AYMEN.
Sawa: Worse shit has happened. Life isn't over. And for god's sake, why do you copy me? Is what I say that great that what you have to say isn't?
Jade: ..-sits down like a good evangelist- Sometimes yeh.
Sawa: You have things to say too! SO SAY THEM!
Jade: SAYING! Agh. SAAYIIIIING.
Sawa: It doesn't matter if it's bad. It doesn't matter if no one's listening. You have things to say, so say them and stop holding back. What I have to say isn't more important than what you do. No one is more important than you. No one is LESS important than you.
Jade: o.o -wobbly eyes- Eer.
Sawa: We are not better or worse, we're just different.
Jade: :x -looks around-
Sawa: When people have something bad to say about you, it's NOT because they're wrong. Nothing's wrong or right! It's because of how they were raised, or what they did today, or who said what to them. I'm so sick of saying that people are wrong when they aren't. And Britney has a nice ass. Yes, that Britney.
Jade: -shudders- You're..well..entitled to your opinion.
Sawa: I wanted to mention that to you because I thought it. Doesn't make me wrong, doesn't make me lose points because there aren't points to be HAD. This isn't a contest. But I couldn't say it. Because I thought I would somehow lose.
Jade: Let us agree to disagree. -.-
Sawa: I don't think I'm just ranting to us, I think I'm ranting to everyone. I think this needs to be said and people need to fucking open their eyes. So, I'm not going to hold back anymore because I think someone might lose, or because something bad might happen. Things fall into place when you do what you need to. I can't believe I didn't see that before. You know, while I'm at it, I'm just going to lay it all out.
Jade: Okays.
Sawa: There are some parts of you that just GLOW when the right things happen, and I like that about you. There are some things I HATE about you, that I wish I could cut out and throw away, but then you wouldn't be you. You're a catalyst, but you're not a catalyst for tragedy. NO. You're a catalyst for enlightenment. Anything could be, but you ARE. I hate to see you sad when you're something so great. I hate to know that I can't do anything to change it. I hate to know that this doesn't have an end in sight. If any part of you were missing, I wouldn't love you. Yes. Yes, I love you, in some strange way I don't even understand. You're absolutely perfect the way you are, because if there were any part of you that wasn't like this, we wouldn't be here right now, and I wouldn't be saying this. *takes a deep breath and sits down* Christ.
Jade: ...-patpatpat-
Sawa: Don't pat me. Don't, please, it's degrading. I said it and I'm fine with what I said. I was going to wait till you left, but what good would that do me?
Jade: o.o Okays.
Sawa: You don't need to do anything. Nothing at all. This will die on its own. I knew it wasn't reciprocated, but it's there anyway and I need to admit it. So it's free now, and I don't feel heavy anymore.
Jade: I wish I could. -sigh- I don't know what the Hell keeps me from doing it. But I can tell you that I was honestly frustrated when I figured out you had blocked me.
Sawa: Jade, it's not a big deal. Don't feel forced or anything at all, because it's okay. I'm okay and you're okay. And tomorrow's going to be fucking fantastic.
Jade: o.o Whai?
Sawa: Why? Because I don't have to hold anything in anymore. I'm not going to say anything under my breath that could be said out loud. I'm going to deal with my consequences.
Holy Christ.
I think I've just done something either horrible or spectacular.
"My manner of thinking, so you say, cannot be approved. Do you suppose I care? A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others! My manner of thinking stems straight from my considered reflections; it holds with my existence, with the way I am made. It is not in my power to alter it; and were it, I'd not do so. This manner of thinking you find fault with is my sole consolation in life; it alleviates all my sufferings in prison, it composes all my pleasures in the world outside, it is dearer to me than life itself. Not my manner of thinking but the manner of thinking of others has been the source of my unhappiness. The reasoning man who scorns the prejudices of simpletons necessarily becomes the enemy of simpletons; he must expect as much, and laugh at the inevitable."
4.27.2003
Oh GODS here we go again. Why do people ask me for my archives? It's nothing but well-worded pain.
Robbie: *sighs* See? I need at least one pill. This is tearing me apart.
Sawa: no. you don't need anything.
Robbie: I need you, I think.
Me: well, here i am.
Robbie: : /
Robbie: *gives her a quick hug, hands her her a dir en grey lunchpail* Have fun at skool, kay? :D
Sawa: *licks* i'll try.
Robbie: Hey, Adrienne?
Sawa: hm?
Robbie: *gives her a big hug and whispers in her ear* I love you.
*presses a hand hard over her mouth, bursts into tears and leaves the room*
Robbie: *sighs* See? I need at least one pill. This is tearing me apart.
Sawa: no. you don't need anything.
Robbie: I need you, I think.
Me: well, here i am.
Robbie: : /
Robbie: *gives her a quick hug, hands her her a dir en grey lunchpail* Have fun at skool, kay? :D
Sawa: *licks* i'll try.
Robbie: Hey, Adrienne?
Sawa: hm?
Robbie: *gives her a big hug and whispers in her ear* I love you.
*presses a hand hard over her mouth, bursts into tears and leaves the room*
Tony: Yanno, someday I wanna IM Patrick and say "Ooooh, I'm talking to Adrienne and not getting emotionally raped! Who's the fool now?"
Sawa: LOL.. I certainly got Patrick back, didn't I.
Tony: That you did. ^^ But you got Nick back for almost nothing. o.o
Sawa: He challenged me. I would think most people would know not to do that.
Tony: You knew there WAS no challenge, though ^^;
Sawa: Yes. But it was the principle.
Tony: And he didn't know you...
Sawa: He said himself he knew he couldn't beat me, and he did anyway.
Tony: Yup. I think he fell for you.
Sawa: O_O ...Actually, that's not surprising. It happens.. a lot. And I hate it.
Tony: Yup. I fell for you awhile ago, but fortunately I didn't act on it. (It's gone, if you're curious.)
Sawa: Uh.. duh. And duh.
Tony: ?
Sawa: I know.
Tony: Oh. ^^;; Yeah.
Sawa: It was.. obvious. Both parts. I'm glad I didn't let you kiss me. That would've fucked everything just so.
Tony: Thanks muchly. ^^; Even though you were playing with the notion of more than a kiss, right? (I still don't remember going for a kiss, though... I don't think it was on my mind.)
Sawa: I was thinking about what to do with you. You know I like ruining things for other people when I want. But it wasn't a good idea, and I knew so.
Tony: How wasn't it a good idea? (End this conversation whenever you please, I'm just morbidly curious.)
Sawa: There wasn't anything to be had but a silly boy chasing after me. And I was taken then.
Tony: *nod* Even then, I woulda stopped quickly - I was taken too. ><
Sawa: Yes, but you would've had to tell her, you being so pious and honest and all, and then where would you have been?
Tony: Probably same place I am now. ^^; Maybe not talking to you.
Sawa: Possibly.
Tony: Laura and I.. what we had was shallow too. ^^;
Sawa: Probably. You tend to get into relationships with people like that.
Tony: @_@ I do?
Sawa: ...You haven't noticed?
Tony: Nope!
Sawa: Well. You do.
Tony: Shallow girls?
Sawa: Immature ones.
Tony: *sigh* I don't see how... wouldn't most of them be looking for some heartthrob? Not me..
Sawa: Depends on what kind of immature they are.
Tony: *blink* Well.
Sawa: That kind of brings up the whole accessibility/in the same league issue.
Tony: Eh?
Sawa: Depending upon how immature they are, and their stance in the social ladder at school, they'll choose their boyfriends/girlfriends on how often they'd see them, and whether they're viable as a potential partner.
Tony: ...That is SO wrong.
Sawa: I know. But you do it. And everyone else too.
Tony: ...Oh all hell, I do.
Sawa: That's high school for you. Which is why relationships don't work.
Tony: Damn.
I've been a veritable fount of advice today. Don't know why.
Aya: I would rather fuck you because I know where you stand and you aren't going to avoid questions, even if it pisses you or me off.
...Well, that is true... @_@
Sawa: LOL.. I certainly got Patrick back, didn't I.
Tony: That you did. ^^ But you got Nick back for almost nothing. o.o
Sawa: He challenged me. I would think most people would know not to do that.
Tony: You knew there WAS no challenge, though ^^;
Sawa: Yes. But it was the principle.
Tony: And he didn't know you...
Sawa: He said himself he knew he couldn't beat me, and he did anyway.
Tony: Yup. I think he fell for you.
Sawa: O_O ...Actually, that's not surprising. It happens.. a lot. And I hate it.
Tony: Yup. I fell for you awhile ago, but fortunately I didn't act on it. (It's gone, if you're curious.)
Sawa: Uh.. duh. And duh.
Tony: ?
Sawa: I know.
Tony: Oh. ^^;; Yeah.
Sawa: It was.. obvious. Both parts. I'm glad I didn't let you kiss me. That would've fucked everything just so.
Tony: Thanks muchly. ^^; Even though you were playing with the notion of more than a kiss, right? (I still don't remember going for a kiss, though... I don't think it was on my mind.)
Sawa: I was thinking about what to do with you. You know I like ruining things for other people when I want. But it wasn't a good idea, and I knew so.
Tony: How wasn't it a good idea? (End this conversation whenever you please, I'm just morbidly curious.)
Sawa: There wasn't anything to be had but a silly boy chasing after me. And I was taken then.
Tony: *nod* Even then, I woulda stopped quickly - I was taken too. ><
Sawa: Yes, but you would've had to tell her, you being so pious and honest and all, and then where would you have been?
Tony: Probably same place I am now. ^^; Maybe not talking to you.
Sawa: Possibly.
Tony: Laura and I.. what we had was shallow too. ^^;
Sawa: Probably. You tend to get into relationships with people like that.
Tony: @_@ I do?
Sawa: ...You haven't noticed?
Tony: Nope!
Sawa: Well. You do.
Tony: Shallow girls?
Sawa: Immature ones.
Tony: *sigh* I don't see how... wouldn't most of them be looking for some heartthrob? Not me..
Sawa: Depends on what kind of immature they are.
Tony: *blink* Well.
Sawa: That kind of brings up the whole accessibility/in the same league issue.
Tony: Eh?
Sawa: Depending upon how immature they are, and their stance in the social ladder at school, they'll choose their boyfriends/girlfriends on how often they'd see them, and whether they're viable as a potential partner.
Tony: ...That is SO wrong.
Sawa: I know. But you do it. And everyone else too.
Tony: ...Oh all hell, I do.
Sawa: That's high school for you. Which is why relationships don't work.
Tony: Damn.
I've been a veritable fount of advice today. Don't know why.
Aya: I would rather fuck you because I know where you stand and you aren't going to avoid questions, even if it pisses you or me off.
...Well, that is true... @_@
A pained token disaster
Mental reactor
Put it to sleep
A second coming after
Fearing the laughter
Feeding the sheep
Fit so good, as if it would
The trees of letters follow
Raison soot the earth
And would he care if all again restarted?
Inflamed, sore, misdirected
Somehow expected
Wrapping 'round fate
Designs somewhat neglected
Life form erected
Breeding in hate
The wasps are flying around with their yellow legs hanging. o.o
I should be outside right now.
A worm, somehow connected
Cut off, dissected
Feeding its cells
A turn, selling rejection
Selling infection
Selling itself
Alone, utter desertion
Manifestation
Mutating swells
A fly, landing inspection
Gets an erection
Hard for the spoiled skin
The meat, rapidly aging
Slowly decaying
Touches the sore
The mind, paying attention
Insect dementia
If ever is seen
The welt on your soul
I realized a few days ago that if you saw it the way some of these people do, that everyone you know online isn't a real friend and all the things that happen there really don't, that my life is infinitely more dismal and depressing than previously thought. Because if that were true, that if the online aspect of everything was subtracted, then I would just be a little girl in a dull town with no friends and no history.
So tired of them. Their title is deserved.
Sustained, weeping his leaves
The summing of trees
The simplest thing
Living in solo
Living is so low
Within sound isolation
Degradation feels at home
Within truth of perception
Does deception ever know?
Mental reactor
Put it to sleep
A second coming after
Fearing the laughter
Feeding the sheep
Fit so good, as if it would
The trees of letters follow
Raison soot the earth
And would he care if all again restarted?
Inflamed, sore, misdirected
Somehow expected
Wrapping 'round fate
Designs somewhat neglected
Life form erected
Breeding in hate
The wasps are flying around with their yellow legs hanging. o.o
I should be outside right now.
A worm, somehow connected
Cut off, dissected
Feeding its cells
A turn, selling rejection
Selling infection
Selling itself
Alone, utter desertion
Manifestation
Mutating swells
A fly, landing inspection
Gets an erection
Hard for the spoiled skin
The meat, rapidly aging
Slowly decaying
Touches the sore
The mind, paying attention
Insect dementia
If ever is seen
The welt on your soul
I realized a few days ago that if you saw it the way some of these people do, that everyone you know online isn't a real friend and all the things that happen there really don't, that my life is infinitely more dismal and depressing than previously thought. Because if that were true, that if the online aspect of everything was subtracted, then I would just be a little girl in a dull town with no friends and no history.
So tired of them. Their title is deserved.
Sustained, weeping his leaves
The summing of trees
The simplest thing
Living in solo
Living is so low
Within sound isolation
Degradation feels at home
Within truth of perception
Does deception ever know?
4.26.2003
They spun a web for me
Sawa: *pulls you into her arms gently and places a hand over your eyes as she whispers softly* We're outside in the warm dark, laying in the cool grass and watching the stars. There's a meteor shower, and we can't make wishes fast enough to use all of the bright shooting stars. I'm holding you close to me, and we're together on one safe summer night, free of everything but each other and the wide open sky.
Lex: -Smiles, turning a bit and slipping my arms around your waist- You never cease to amaze me, Adrienne... And I can't wait for the day that we live that scenario out.
Sawa: I have all sorts of those daydreams sweep through my head every day. I imagine knocking on your door and taking you away, somewhere that we can be together for a very long time.
Lex: Someday you will... Someday you'll come to college out here, and we'll go and spend days away from here... Somewhere secluded and hidden... Where it will be just us and the surroundings... and no one will be able to touch us...
Sawa: I will take so many pictures of us and decorate my dorm room with them. I'll tell everyone that will listen about you, and about all of the moments that made me feel alive for the very first time.
It's dark and wet outside. Despite what I tell her, I hold daydreams of standing in rain I can't see, on a street somewhere. And I am not with her. I'm feeding her lines again. I really don't want things to be like this, honestly. But here she is and here I am and here things go walking into the wall again.
"I want to be honest with you. I haven't been honest with anyone ever. I always lie. I want you to know me, so I need to tell you a few things."
"Go ahead."
"Well, first of all, those poems weren't mine. And I can't speak French."
*cringes and closes her eyes* I'm giving her words that were supposed to end up in another chapter, in another paragraph, without all of the flowers and sunshine, rainbows and sugar and roses. I'm leading her down a road I don't want to go down. If I leave now, though, I'd have to wake up, and I don't want to. I'd rather sleep forever inside here.
I wouldn't be allowed to be like this with him or any other guy; they take reality over fiction. They're not interesting in making things up. They're interested in doing. *laughs*
"You can sit in your corner and daydream about how things will be, and that's enough for you. But it's not enough for me. I need someone we would call an innocent in this game to get close to."
"There's no game anymore, I'm tired of games."
End.
END.
Haha..
Shut your mouth
Burn your bridges
Throw your words like an attack
And stab me in the
*holds her breath and waits for it to pass*
This is the kind of cancer that doesn't leave you, no matter how many times you go under the knife.
Sawa: *pulls you into her arms gently and places a hand over your eyes as she whispers softly* We're outside in the warm dark, laying in the cool grass and watching the stars. There's a meteor shower, and we can't make wishes fast enough to use all of the bright shooting stars. I'm holding you close to me, and we're together on one safe summer night, free of everything but each other and the wide open sky.
Lex: -Smiles, turning a bit and slipping my arms around your waist- You never cease to amaze me, Adrienne... And I can't wait for the day that we live that scenario out.
Sawa: I have all sorts of those daydreams sweep through my head every day. I imagine knocking on your door and taking you away, somewhere that we can be together for a very long time.
Lex: Someday you will... Someday you'll come to college out here, and we'll go and spend days away from here... Somewhere secluded and hidden... Where it will be just us and the surroundings... and no one will be able to touch us...
Sawa: I will take so many pictures of us and decorate my dorm room with them. I'll tell everyone that will listen about you, and about all of the moments that made me feel alive for the very first time.
It's dark and wet outside. Despite what I tell her, I hold daydreams of standing in rain I can't see, on a street somewhere. And I am not with her. I'm feeding her lines again. I really don't want things to be like this, honestly. But here she is and here I am and here things go walking into the wall again.
"I want to be honest with you. I haven't been honest with anyone ever. I always lie. I want you to know me, so I need to tell you a few things."
"Go ahead."
"Well, first of all, those poems weren't mine. And I can't speak French."
*cringes and closes her eyes* I'm giving her words that were supposed to end up in another chapter, in another paragraph, without all of the flowers and sunshine, rainbows and sugar and roses. I'm leading her down a road I don't want to go down. If I leave now, though, I'd have to wake up, and I don't want to. I'd rather sleep forever inside here.
I wouldn't be allowed to be like this with him or any other guy; they take reality over fiction. They're not interesting in making things up. They're interested in doing. *laughs*
"You can sit in your corner and daydream about how things will be, and that's enough for you. But it's not enough for me. I need someone we would call an innocent in this game to get close to."
"There's no game anymore, I'm tired of games."
End.
END.
Haha..
Shut your mouth
Burn your bridges
Throw your words like an attack
And stab me in the
*holds her breath and waits for it to pass*
This is the kind of cancer that doesn't leave you, no matter how many times you go under the knife.
*big kitty yawn* Mm.. We're studying Perls in Psych. And one of these theory definitiony things of his hits someone I know really well right on the head. In fact, I used them as an example of it in my psych paper. But I can't talk about it because they read this. Well, they might. I'm covering all my bases. Hah, censoring myself... It's in lieu of a goal of mine. I'll talk aaaalllll about it after I'm out of this town. You probably won't hear the end of my tirades about this person and a few others after I leave and my life changes drastically. God, to get away from these vexing people... But for now, my rage dribbles into the secret journal, for my own amusement and personal in-jokes.
Conceivably, I could let it all fly out of me, land here and destroy everything I've known, leave nothing to come back to. I could set fire to my bridges when I leave. I could go out like a super nova, bright in your minds. I was thinking that the compilation of every online journal would do such a thing... But then I really thought about the damage I'd be doing, and while it would have been viable a number of years ago, it doesn't suit my plans. So all remains secret, even the crusts of hints I could lay out for you crows.
Damn, some of them are so good, too. Oh well. I'm not the one that's at a loss, in the end.
Conceivably, I could let it all fly out of me, land here and destroy everything I've known, leave nothing to come back to. I could set fire to my bridges when I leave. I could go out like a super nova, bright in your minds. I was thinking that the compilation of every online journal would do such a thing... But then I really thought about the damage I'd be doing, and while it would have been viable a number of years ago, it doesn't suit my plans. So all remains secret, even the crusts of hints I could lay out for you crows.
Damn, some of them are so good, too. Oh well. I'm not the one that's at a loss, in the end.
...Alkaline Trio...kinda sucks. *tosses mp3s*
Anyway, I've managed to detach sex from my view of a person, as in if anything of that nature ever happens, it doesn't register. And that works for me. I have also realized that I have spelled detach and attach with extra t's for the last six years at least. This reminds me of my "tongue/tounge" episode. FUCKING ENGLISH LANGUAGE. We should all speak Japanese. Because then I'd have a headstart over you all.
*plays with ballbearing fan* In today's news, NAVI IS BACK OH YES. :3 With a new Intel board and a Celeron 1.8. I will want to SEX my computer by the time I have everything installed.
When I return, it shall be in the chariot of Helios.
Anyway, I've managed to detach sex from my view of a person, as in if anything of that nature ever happens, it doesn't register. And that works for me. I have also realized that I have spelled detach and attach with extra t's for the last six years at least. This reminds me of my "tongue/tounge" episode. FUCKING ENGLISH LANGUAGE. We should all speak Japanese. Because then I'd have a headstart over you all.
*plays with ballbearing fan* In today's news, NAVI IS BACK OH YES. :3 With a new Intel board and a Celeron 1.8. I will want to SEX my computer by the time I have everything installed.
When I return, it shall be in the chariot of Helios.
Sawa: i remember when you used to like school. ._.
Chris: I never liked school. Never.
Sawa: you used to tell me you did. a looong time ago.
Chris: well... It was a half-truth then. Fuck school. Besides, I was probably high on whatever the hell I was on when I was going out with whatisherface.
Sawa: yes. those were some bad times.
Chris: Denial Serum, I think is the term.. Very bad times. For all involved parties. Except possibly my dog.
Sawa: hah, and maybe me for a day or two. i read some of my journal entries from back then
Chris: Yeah?
Sawa: i was fucked in the head.
Chris: How so?
Sawa: i was convinced i loved you and that i was using josiah until i could be with you. nice how that one turned out, huh? here we are three years later, and frankly, not much has changed.
Chris: well.. It kinda has changed.. I don't have a mysterious absentee girlfriend who doesn't care about me.
Sawa: it didn't matter whether she existed or not because she didn't affect anything.
Chris: You don't think so? I don't act differently now?
Sawa: the only thing that's changed significantly is your attitude towards dating and girls. for the most part, we're still in the same towns talking to the same people. this depresses me.
Chris: And, we still are not 'together', as it were. That has also not changed. Your relationship with Josiah has changed..
Sawa: hasn't changed where i am or what i do. certainly has changed the way i think, but other than that.. i wanted you even before josiah came around anyway.
Chris: which is the part that whatisherface affected.
Sawa: yes. april fool's day 2000, adrienne denounces her love for chris and admits to being in awe of josiah. and that's when it starts.
Chris: It's ironic on some levels that it was april fool's day.
Sawa: the fact that that entry happened upon that day makes me angry at the irony.
Chris: understandable
Sawa: i still want to kill him. and then keep him in my bed.
Chris: Stuffed?
Sawa: dismembered and slackjawed.
Chris: Even better.
1280.
._.
This somehow makes me stupid.
Dammit.
Chris: I never liked school. Never.
Sawa: you used to tell me you did. a looong time ago.
Chris: well... It was a half-truth then. Fuck school. Besides, I was probably high on whatever the hell I was on when I was going out with whatisherface.
Sawa: yes. those were some bad times.
Chris: Denial Serum, I think is the term.. Very bad times. For all involved parties. Except possibly my dog.
Sawa: hah, and maybe me for a day or two. i read some of my journal entries from back then
Chris: Yeah?
Sawa: i was fucked in the head.
Chris: How so?
Sawa: i was convinced i loved you and that i was using josiah until i could be with you. nice how that one turned out, huh? here we are three years later, and frankly, not much has changed.
Chris: well.. It kinda has changed.. I don't have a mysterious absentee girlfriend who doesn't care about me.
Sawa: it didn't matter whether she existed or not because she didn't affect anything.
Chris: You don't think so? I don't act differently now?
Sawa: the only thing that's changed significantly is your attitude towards dating and girls. for the most part, we're still in the same towns talking to the same people. this depresses me.
Chris: And, we still are not 'together', as it were. That has also not changed. Your relationship with Josiah has changed..
Sawa: hasn't changed where i am or what i do. certainly has changed the way i think, but other than that.. i wanted you even before josiah came around anyway.
Chris: which is the part that whatisherface affected.
Sawa: yes. april fool's day 2000, adrienne denounces her love for chris and admits to being in awe of josiah. and that's when it starts.
Chris: It's ironic on some levels that it was april fool's day.
Sawa: the fact that that entry happened upon that day makes me angry at the irony.
Chris: understandable
Sawa: i still want to kill him. and then keep him in my bed.
Chris: Stuffed?
Sawa: dismembered and slackjawed.
Chris: Even better.
1280.
._.
This somehow makes me stupid.
Dammit.
4.25.2003
The, uh, business they're buying is called Wintergarden Design.
...*hides face in embarrassment* :x
"When I talked to him, he was coming out of the bathroom. Oohhh... You have no idea how much I regret not getting a picture of that. I'd seen him all over the place earlier that day, but that was my chance... So I wound up blurting out this hilariously awkward and forward greeting, in the middle of which, I realised that I didn't actually know him, dispite having been reading his comics for...what? four years or something? I have no idea. He got this classic "oh my god..who the fuck are you?" look on his face. The poor man was trying to leave the restroom in peace and theres this little girl with blue hair shouting nonsense at him. He was polite enough to project a "...hello....stranger" in my direction then hide his face and flee the scene. Gotta love Jhonen. So easy to make a geeky fool of yourself with him."
...*hides face in embarrassment* :x
"When I talked to him, he was coming out of the bathroom. Oohhh... You have no idea how much I regret not getting a picture of that. I'd seen him all over the place earlier that day, but that was my chance... So I wound up blurting out this hilariously awkward and forward greeting, in the middle of which, I realised that I didn't actually know him, dispite having been reading his comics for...what? four years or something? I have no idea. He got this classic "oh my god..who the fuck are you?" look on his face. The poor man was trying to leave the restroom in peace and theres this little girl with blue hair shouting nonsense at him. He was polite enough to project a "...hello....stranger" in my direction then hide his face and flee the scene. Gotta love Jhonen. So easy to make a geeky fool of yourself with him."
"HE WANTS DOWN YOUR PANTS. BLOCK. BLOCK. BLOCK."
"AAAAGGGHHHH."
Okay, so I thought that was Ryan but it wasn't. Ryan called me and we were just like... "Hey." "Hey." "How's the band?" "Good." Ryan and I are really old and sort of okay friends. BUT THIS IS NOT RYAN. This guy lives in EUROPE. And I'm supposed to know him.
OMG IDENTITY CRISIS LOL.
Anata dare? ._.
...Hey, my brother's here.
"AAAAGGGHHHH."
Okay, so I thought that was Ryan but it wasn't. Ryan called me and we were just like... "Hey." "Hey." "How's the band?" "Good." Ryan and I are really old and sort of okay friends. BUT THIS IS NOT RYAN. This guy lives in EUROPE. And I'm supposed to know him.
OMG IDENTITY CRISIS LOL.
Anata dare? ._.
...Hey, my brother's here.
4.24.2003
Guy: You guys wanna buy these shoes? *holds them up*
Shasta: Uh.. no.
Sawa: ...*cocks eyebrow*
Girl: I'll give you a quarter.
Guy: Okay.
Other Guy: YOU SHITHEAD GIVE ME MY SHOES BACK.
Guy: *takes off running*
Bri: *grabs seven letters from the floor and spreads them out on the table*
Sawa: Lucent.
Sean: What?
Toni: Is that a word?
Sawa: *arranges letters and shows them*
Toni: <:O
Sean: ...You are a fucking genius.
Kyle: What is that?
Sawa: I don't know. Some kind of exercise ball.
Kyle: *drops it on the table lightly* o.o
Sawa: o.o
Kyle: ...*rolls it off the table* XD
Jhoh: You are considerably less crazy, so far, than most of the other people I know on the internet.
Sawa: Possibly because I am not on medication?
Jhoh: Are you on medication? It is strange that all the people on medication seem like the crazy ones. Not that you might not be crazy. :( But I think you are cool.
Sawa: No, I am not. I don't like meds. They're bad stuff.
Jhoh: Good. I used to take medication, but then I realized it was making me worse. :( Everyone's on Prozac and Ritalin anyway.
Sawa: I like to be in the minority.
Jhoh: If it's that much of an epidemic, I might as well not bother with medication. Because if it's normal to be crazy...
Chris: THIS close to alcohol poisonoing. ererggaghh..
Sawa: <:
Chris: holy shit. I'm never going to drink again. I feel like shit. this is ridiculous.
Sawa: Well, I know you're lying about the never drinking again. But all the same. Sucks. :\
Chris: lol. So true. That's like saying I quit at sex. total bullshit.
Trenton: sawa, i'm tired. sorry dearie. i've had such a long day. and i do most do do do love your company. don't hate me for being not so talkie today, just me shweepie. and you're awsome. byes babe.
We did this activity with a teacher that had quit to become a baby machine. She had us use Perls and Ellis' methods of self-responsibility and so on, so with this we had to write down four sentences:
I have to keep quiet about any emotions I have that Jade has caused.
I can't stick with one feeling towards anything for longer than a day.
I'm afraid Josiah will come back.
I need to be okay with myself.
And then we cross out the starting words, and rewrite them like so:
I choose to keep quiet about any emotions I have that Jade has caused.
I won't stick with one feeling towards anything for longer than a day.
I want Josiah to come back.
I'd like to be okay with myself.
These sentence revisions unnerved me for the rest of the day, so I popped in Dragon Half and fell asleep on the couch. Apparently Jade called me while I was drooling all over myself in stage four coma sleep. I tried to call her back but it got later and later, so I give up for now. So I'm going to start my homework and finish my Fanta.
5 things you are wearing
1. Lavender turtle t-shirt.
2. ...Aya to atashi no friendship bracelet. Because I don't know the proper grammar for that sentence in English. ._.
3. Newer-ish socks.
4. The spinny rings
5. Chinese staircase bracelet.
5 things you can see
1. Laptop to the left. (Rigged my computer superfluosities to it so I don't have to type on that fucked up keyboard.)
2. Notes from Psych.
3. "Drink Coke Play Again" bottle cap.
4. Speakers directly hooked up to my CD player.
5. This Is Otakudom VCD.
5 things you are doing right now
1. Talking to Trenton and Jhoh.
2. Listening to Malice Mizer.
3. Trying to find a calculator so I can take a mini-SAT math test.
4. Realizing that both the mouse and the webcam can't be hooked up to the laptop, as there is only one USB port.
5. Absently staring at the keyboard.
5 things you ate in the last 24 hours
1. Bacon and sharp cheddar cheese quesadilla.
2. Tuna fish sammich.
3. Popcorn.
4. Tonkotsu noodles.
5. Strawberry-banana yogurt.
5 things you did so far today
1. Bit my cat back.
2. Ate alone.
3. Followed behind Hayley and Jade instead of talking. (Observing. :D)
4. Stared at a girl named Cecilia.
5. Turned French into one big joke.
5 things you can hear right now
1. Hum of the laptop.
2. Puffy Ami Yumi - Circuit no Musume.
3. Cat purrs.
4. My breathing.
5. Creaks of my chair.
5 colors you can see
1. Red Coke can.
2. Shiny silver metal colors.
3. Bright orange and red and white PHP book.
4. Black kitty.
5. Purple-eyed green turtles.
5 thoughts in your head
1. How many awesome traits of how many people have I overlooked?
2. Jhoh isn't such a bad guy.
3. Trenton sounds really fun.
4. Who in the hell is Wings of Hate? Reminds me of Strings of Fate. o.o
5. When's Aya going to talk to me about that website again?
10 people that rock your socks
(People that have been exceptionally cool in the last few days.)
1. AYA. From Oregon. :D (Returning the gesture.)
2. Chris from Colorado.
3. Kyle from here.
4. Bryant from here.
5. Justin from here.
6. My brother from here.
7. Sarah from here.
8. Mandy from Florida.
9. Kira from.. somewhere.
10. Sean from Florida.
10 things you would like to do in your lifetime
1. Get my tubes tied.
2. Make millions.
3. Get a book published.
4. Go to Wellesley.
5. Live on another continent.
6. Do a huge expanse of concrete in all kinds of colors of chalk.
7. Visit/go places/live with Chris.
8. Fall asleep in a cot on the porch of a shack on the beach.
9. Take a trillion pictures and cover things with them.
10. Get a year pass for Euro Rail and visit all of Europe.
10 8 cds you're listening to at the moment
(Uhh.. I'll just name off CDs that I'm listening to most of the songs from.)
1. Hot Hot Heat - Make Up The Breakdown
2. Bright Eyes - Fevors and Mirrors
3. Malice Mizer - Merveilles
4. Get Up Kids - On A Wire
5. Get Up Kids - Something To Write Home About
6. Boa - Race Of A Thousand Camels
7. Cats Don't Dance OST
8. Neutral Milk Hotel - On Avery Island
10 objects in your room you love
1. The walls in general.
2. The anime shelves. :3
3. The collection of books.
4. My screenless window.
5. My bed.
6. The big mirror I can write on.
7. The blue lightbulb.
8. Space heater.
9. The collection of stolen signs.
10. Wallpaper o' anime.
10 things you love about your friends
1. How creative they are.
2. How some of them call me on my bullshit.
3. Some of the crazy ideas they come up with that end up working out.
4. They get away with a lot of things.
5. They help motivate me when I really need to be.
6. When I fuck up, I can look at them and say, "Well, at least I don't [fill in blank] like they do."
7. Most know how to take my criticism.
8. How the few that can talk about anything intelligently often do.
9. The one that is smart enough helps me test my theories. (Yay Chris. :3)
10. Most of them know when to leave me alone.
10 1 thing you would take with you on a deserted island
1. Sunscreen.
5 things that annoy you
1. People that think they understand and can pick apart my "extremely flawed" theories. (Cough. Green Hair. Cough.)
2. The light right outside my window.
3. When none of the chopsticks are clean.
4. The kind of lies that affect one's life.
5. Not having enough shelf space.
Shasta: Uh.. no.
Sawa: ...*cocks eyebrow*
Girl: I'll give you a quarter.
Guy: Okay.
Other Guy: YOU SHITHEAD GIVE ME MY SHOES BACK.
Guy: *takes off running*
Bri: *grabs seven letters from the floor and spreads them out on the table*
Sawa: Lucent.
Sean: What?
Toni: Is that a word?
Sawa: *arranges letters and shows them*
Toni: <:O
Sean: ...You are a fucking genius.
Kyle: What is that?
Sawa: I don't know. Some kind of exercise ball.
Kyle: *drops it on the table lightly* o.o
Sawa: o.o
Kyle: ...*rolls it off the table* XD
Jhoh: You are considerably less crazy, so far, than most of the other people I know on the internet.
Sawa: Possibly because I am not on medication?
Jhoh: Are you on medication? It is strange that all the people on medication seem like the crazy ones. Not that you might not be crazy. :( But I think you are cool.
Sawa: No, I am not. I don't like meds. They're bad stuff.
Jhoh: Good. I used to take medication, but then I realized it was making me worse. :( Everyone's on Prozac and Ritalin anyway.
Sawa: I like to be in the minority.
Jhoh: If it's that much of an epidemic, I might as well not bother with medication. Because if it's normal to be crazy...
Chris: THIS close to alcohol poisonoing. ererggaghh..
Sawa: <:
Chris: holy shit. I'm never going to drink again. I feel like shit. this is ridiculous.
Sawa: Well, I know you're lying about the never drinking again. But all the same. Sucks. :\
Chris: lol. So true. That's like saying I quit at sex. total bullshit.
Trenton: sawa, i'm tired. sorry dearie. i've had such a long day. and i do most do do do love your company. don't hate me for being not so talkie today, just me shweepie. and you're awsome. byes babe.
We did this activity with a teacher that had quit to become a baby machine. She had us use Perls and Ellis' methods of self-responsibility and so on, so with this we had to write down four sentences:
I have to keep quiet about any emotions I have that Jade has caused.
I can't stick with one feeling towards anything for longer than a day.
I'm afraid Josiah will come back.
I need to be okay with myself.
And then we cross out the starting words, and rewrite them like so:
I choose to keep quiet about any emotions I have that Jade has caused.
I won't stick with one feeling towards anything for longer than a day.
I want Josiah to come back.
I'd like to be okay with myself.
These sentence revisions unnerved me for the rest of the day, so I popped in Dragon Half and fell asleep on the couch. Apparently Jade called me while I was drooling all over myself in stage four coma sleep. I tried to call her back but it got later and later, so I give up for now. So I'm going to start my homework and finish my Fanta.
5 things you are wearing
1. Lavender turtle t-shirt.
2. ...Aya to atashi no friendship bracelet. Because I don't know the proper grammar for that sentence in English. ._.
3. Newer-ish socks.
4. The spinny rings
5. Chinese staircase bracelet.
5 things you can see
1. Laptop to the left. (Rigged my computer superfluosities to it so I don't have to type on that fucked up keyboard.)
2. Notes from Psych.
3. "Drink Coke Play Again" bottle cap.
4. Speakers directly hooked up to my CD player.
5. This Is Otakudom VCD.
5 things you are doing right now
1. Talking to Trenton and Jhoh.
2. Listening to Malice Mizer.
3. Trying to find a calculator so I can take a mini-SAT math test.
4. Realizing that both the mouse and the webcam can't be hooked up to the laptop, as there is only one USB port.
5. Absently staring at the keyboard.
5 things you ate in the last 24 hours
1. Bacon and sharp cheddar cheese quesadilla.
2. Tuna fish sammich.
3. Popcorn.
4. Tonkotsu noodles.
5. Strawberry-banana yogurt.
5 things you did so far today
1. Bit my cat back.
2. Ate alone.
3. Followed behind Hayley and Jade instead of talking. (Observing. :D)
4. Stared at a girl named Cecilia.
5. Turned French into one big joke.
5 things you can hear right now
1. Hum of the laptop.
2. Puffy Ami Yumi - Circuit no Musume.
3. Cat purrs.
4. My breathing.
5. Creaks of my chair.
5 colors you can see
1. Red Coke can.
2. Shiny silver metal colors.
3. Bright orange and red and white PHP book.
4. Black kitty.
5. Purple-eyed green turtles.
5 thoughts in your head
1. How many awesome traits of how many people have I overlooked?
2. Jhoh isn't such a bad guy.
3. Trenton sounds really fun.
4. Who in the hell is Wings of Hate? Reminds me of Strings of Fate. o.o
5. When's Aya going to talk to me about that website again?
10 people that rock your socks
(People that have been exceptionally cool in the last few days.)
1. AYA. From Oregon. :D (Returning the gesture.)
2. Chris from Colorado.
3. Kyle from here.
4. Bryant from here.
5. Justin from here.
6. My brother from here.
7. Sarah from here.
8. Mandy from Florida.
9. Kira from.. somewhere.
10. Sean from Florida.
10 things you would like to do in your lifetime
1. Get my tubes tied.
2. Make millions.
3. Get a book published.
4. Go to Wellesley.
5. Live on another continent.
6. Do a huge expanse of concrete in all kinds of colors of chalk.
7. Visit/go places/live with Chris.
8. Fall asleep in a cot on the porch of a shack on the beach.
9. Take a trillion pictures and cover things with them.
10. Get a year pass for Euro Rail and visit all of Europe.
(Uhh.. I'll just name off CDs that I'm listening to most of the songs from.)
1. Hot Hot Heat - Make Up The Breakdown
2. Bright Eyes - Fevors and Mirrors
3. Malice Mizer - Merveilles
4. Get Up Kids - On A Wire
5. Get Up Kids - Something To Write Home About
6. Boa - Race Of A Thousand Camels
7. Cats Don't Dance OST
8. Neutral Milk Hotel - On Avery Island
10 objects in your room you love
1. The walls in general.
2. The anime shelves. :3
3. The collection of books.
4. My screenless window.
5. My bed.
6. The big mirror I can write on.
7. The blue lightbulb.
8. Space heater.
9. The collection of stolen signs.
10. Wallpaper o' anime.
10 things you love about your friends
1. How creative they are.
2. How some of them call me on my bullshit.
3. Some of the crazy ideas they come up with that end up working out.
4. They get away with a lot of things.
5. They help motivate me when I really need to be.
6. When I fuck up, I can look at them and say, "Well, at least I don't [fill in blank] like they do."
7. Most know how to take my criticism.
8. How the few that can talk about anything intelligently often do.
9. The one that is smart enough helps me test my theories. (Yay Chris. :3)
10. Most of them know when to leave me alone.
1. Sunscreen.
5 things that annoy you
1. People that think they understand and can pick apart my "extremely flawed" theories. (Cough. Green Hair. Cough.)
2. The light right outside my window.
3. When none of the chopsticks are clean.
4. The kind of lies that affect one's life.
5. Not having enough shelf space.
So here I am.. at skewl... -_- Ignoring my Psych paper...
I haven't had the time to take a proper shower in four days. Five minutes under the spray and out again to study MORE. My brain's enthralled right now, but my body's pulling me towards the door. They have swings over there. *points behind her* ;_;
In my ear: And the air keeps getting colder, and my friends keep getting older.
I found a note Jade wrote me last year. I'm rather sad about how things have progressed. Rather, how things have progressed is sad and I am just sitting on the edge of my seat all the time waiting to get up and out. And then my mum tells me that driving skewl is on hold. "We're buying a business, Adrienne, all of our time and money is going towards this and we had no idea it would cost so much." Natter natter. It wouldn't make me feel better if I didn't know instead of my license I get a job. SATs on June 7th, my father's birthday. I.. don't know. Gottsun desu.
In my ear: Bad actors with bad habits.
Yeah. I don't think I'm allowed to talk about this, but that never stopped me. *manages a smile* They are in the process of buying Winterdesign. Because mommie got sick of her job. What they do is hard to explain, and I don't have their little pamphlets with me. But it'll allow my mum to smile when she talks about her work, so good deal all around the table. I get to attack their website. :D
In my ear: I've smuggled myself into new nationalities. Think you'd be proud of me. There's room to believe. Out of mind, out of sight, out of reach.
I smell like vanilla and I'm wearing Samantha's or Stephanie's turtle shirt. I had Coke for breakfast. I'm feeling pretty alright; I have French and Psychology and Lit today.
We're doing another food day in French soon, and my group's planning on French coffee or espresso, with little pastries possibly. Yum. I'm going on an extracurricular trip to Ranier house to observe and interact with all the mentally disordered people. And in Lit, Kyle and I have a huge project on The Bean Trees to do. We're making popsicle stick puppets and maps and turtle cookies. These first three periods are my tune out classes. Probably explains my grades in the first two. :\ But I DO have a B in Lit because... well, it's me.
In my ear: And if it should come down to one of us has to leave, I promise you that it won't be you.
So I'm going to wrap this up and go crank out a few college-level papers. No big deal, right? : )
These bandages cover more than scrapes,
Cuts and bruises from regrets and mistakes
I've been hoping you're moping
Around the street again
I've been tripping from sipping
The dripping dirty water tap
I've been poking a voodoo doll
That you do not know I made
These bandages are anonymity
I've been shaking
From making an awful decision
I've been running and running
Feels like my head is
Spinning round and round
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Up and down on my legs my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
I've been hoping you're moping
Around the street again
I've been tripping from sipping
The dripping dirty water tap
I've been poking a voodoo doll
That you do not know I made
For you, of you
Let's see what needles do
I've been shaking from making
An awful decision
I've been thinking of drinking
Too many drinks all by myself
I've been running and running
Feels like my head is
Spinning round and round
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Up and down on my legs my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
Don't worry cause it's all under control
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
Don't worry cause it will all turn around
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Up and down on my legs my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Ja.
I haven't had the time to take a proper shower in four days. Five minutes under the spray and out again to study MORE. My brain's enthralled right now, but my body's pulling me towards the door. They have swings over there. *points behind her* ;_;
In my ear: And the air keeps getting colder, and my friends keep getting older.
I found a note Jade wrote me last year. I'm rather sad about how things have progressed. Rather, how things have progressed is sad and I am just sitting on the edge of my seat all the time waiting to get up and out. And then my mum tells me that driving skewl is on hold. "We're buying a business, Adrienne, all of our time and money is going towards this and we had no idea it would cost so much." Natter natter. It wouldn't make me feel better if I didn't know instead of my license I get a job. SATs on June 7th, my father's birthday. I.. don't know. Gottsun desu.
In my ear: Bad actors with bad habits.
Yeah. I don't think I'm allowed to talk about this, but that never stopped me. *manages a smile* They are in the process of buying Winterdesign. Because mommie got sick of her job. What they do is hard to explain, and I don't have their little pamphlets with me. But it'll allow my mum to smile when she talks about her work, so good deal all around the table. I get to attack their website. :D
In my ear: I've smuggled myself into new nationalities. Think you'd be proud of me. There's room to believe. Out of mind, out of sight, out of reach.
I smell like vanilla and I'm wearing Samantha's or Stephanie's turtle shirt. I had Coke for breakfast. I'm feeling pretty alright; I have French and Psychology and Lit today.
We're doing another food day in French soon, and my group's planning on French coffee or espresso, with little pastries possibly. Yum. I'm going on an extracurricular trip to Ranier house to observe and interact with all the mentally disordered people. And in Lit, Kyle and I have a huge project on The Bean Trees to do. We're making popsicle stick puppets and maps and turtle cookies. These first three periods are my tune out classes. Probably explains my grades in the first two. :\ But I DO have a B in Lit because... well, it's me.
In my ear: And if it should come down to one of us has to leave, I promise you that it won't be you.
So I'm going to wrap this up and go crank out a few college-level papers. No big deal, right? : )
These bandages cover more than scrapes,
Cuts and bruises from regrets and mistakes
I've been hoping you're moping
Around the street again
I've been tripping from sipping
The dripping dirty water tap
I've been poking a voodoo doll
That you do not know I made
These bandages are anonymity
I've been shaking
From making an awful decision
I've been running and running
Feels like my head is
Spinning round and round
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Up and down on my legs my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
I've been hoping you're moping
Around the street again
I've been tripping from sipping
The dripping dirty water tap
I've been poking a voodoo doll
That you do not know I made
For you, of you
Let's see what needles do
I've been shaking from making
An awful decision
I've been thinking of drinking
Too many drinks all by myself
I've been running and running
Feels like my head is
Spinning round and round
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Up and down on my legs my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
Don't worry cause it's all under control
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
Don't worry cause it will all turn around
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Up and down on my legs my arms from you
Bandages bandages bandages
Ja.
4.23.2003
Ryan: -Glomps.- ..I want muh chips. :o
Sawa: Doing homewerk. Go get chippies elsewheres.
Ryan: ._.' YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES ME CHIPS! -Storms off.-
Sawa: *pulls chain*
Ryan: e.e;
Sawa: *chips dump on him from above*
Ryan: Woo!
Sawa: THERE.
Ryan: -Munches them all up and waddles off.-
Why are my friends from the old RP chatrooms so strange? ;_;
Sawa: Doing homewerk. Go get chippies elsewheres.
Ryan: ._.' YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES ME CHIPS! -Storms off.-
Sawa: *pulls chain*
Ryan: e.e;
Sawa: *chips dump on him from above*
Ryan: Woo!
Sawa: THERE.
Ryan: -Munches them all up and waddles off.-
Why are my friends from the old RP chatrooms so strange? ;_;
And I'm stuck here on the shore
I dig Natalie Cole.
Today was... XD. Turns out I won't totally crap out on the math section after all, if I would only PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I'M DOING. Hee. And I got a 700 on the mini-verbal in this program I'm using. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH. How could I miss three questions? Next time I'll use all the time I have to go over everything completely again.
I have seen the others
And I have discovered
Talking to new people in school isn't so bad. Shasta is a fount of silly. Thank the gods, Geometry had almost driven me to say, "Fuck this class, and my degree. I'll be a panhandler." Or some such. No, not really, but GAWD... Math bad. Also, fucking dreams I hate you. AND WHO IS E-MAILING ME AGH. YOU BROUGHT ON THE DREEMS. Guessing gamessss.... Hahaha. I don't know, I told them to wait in line. *sips Coke* Er... And... Oh yeah, Mrs. Sage is due May 25th. ;_; WHICH MEANS WE WILL GET PICTURES OF BABY BEFORE SKOOL ENDS. XD Heeeeee.. Miniature Mrs. Sages. I hope it's a girl, because we need more people like her. I wonder what she's going to name it. :x
Memes. EVERYWHERE. And I have nothing else to say but... yay for sleeping in tomorrow and Friday.
Go now, you are forgiven
I dig Natalie Cole.
Today was... XD. Turns out I won't totally crap out on the math section after all, if I would only PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I'M DOING. Hee. And I got a 700 on the mini-verbal in this program I'm using. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH. How could I miss three questions? Next time I'll use all the time I have to go over everything completely again.
I have seen the others
And I have discovered
Talking to new people in school isn't so bad. Shasta is a fount of silly. Thank the gods, Geometry had almost driven me to say, "Fuck this class, and my degree. I'll be a panhandler." Or some such. No, not really, but GAWD... Math bad. Also, fucking dreams I hate you. AND WHO IS E-MAILING ME AGH. YOU BROUGHT ON THE DREEMS. Guessing gamessss.... Hahaha. I don't know, I told them to wait in line. *sips Coke* Er... And... Oh yeah, Mrs. Sage is due May 25th. ;_; WHICH MEANS WE WILL GET PICTURES OF BABY BEFORE SKOOL ENDS. XD Heeeeee.. Miniature Mrs. Sages. I hope it's a girl, because we need more people like her. I wonder what she's going to name it. :x
Memes. EVERYWHERE. And I have nothing else to say but... yay for sleeping in tomorrow and Friday.
Go now, you are forgiven
If I remember to bring your stuff, Jade, then you'll get the floppy tomorrow. Waste of breath indeed. It doesn't matter that I was wrong and that you assumed wrongly because it's a very moot point. Unless you take pleasure in jumping up and down, jabbing your finger at me and screaming, "HAH!" Then, you know, go ahead.
*places tongue firmly in hand*
My brain is fried up like eggs right now. SATs, colleges, homework... Yeesh.
Gootnight.
*places tongue firmly in hand*
My brain is fried up like eggs right now. SATs, colleges, homework... Yeesh.
Gootnight.
4.22.2003
There was a decorated General with a heart of gold
That likened him to all the stories he told
Of past battles won and lost and legends of old
A seasoned veteran in his own time
On the battlefield he gained respectful fame
With many medals of bravery and stripes to his name
He grew a beard as soon as he could to cover the scars on his face
And always urged his men on
But on the eve of great battle with the infantry in dream
The Old General tossed in his sleep and wrestled with its meaning
He awoke from the night to tell what he had seen
And walked slowly out of his tent
All the men held tall with their chests in the air
With courage in their blood and a fire in their stare
And it was a gray morning and they were all wondering how they would fare
Till the old general told them to go home
He said I have seen the others
And I have discovered
That this fight is not worth fighting
And I have seen their mothers
And I will no other to follow me where I'm going
So
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men
You must be living
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men
You must be living
Go now, you are forgiven
But the men stood fast with their guns on their shoulders
Not knowing what to do with the contradicting orders
The General said he would do his own duty but he would extend it no further
The men can go as they please
But not a man moved, their eyes gazed straight ahead
Till one by one they stepped back and not a word was said
And the old general was left with his own words echoing in his head
He then prepared to fight
He said I have seen the others
And I have discovered
That this fight is not worth fighting
No, and I see their mothers
And I will no other to follow me where I'm going
So
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men
You must be living
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men
You must be living
Go now, you are forgiven
That likened him to all the stories he told
Of past battles won and lost and legends of old
A seasoned veteran in his own time
On the battlefield he gained respectful fame
With many medals of bravery and stripes to his name
He grew a beard as soon as he could to cover the scars on his face
And always urged his men on
But on the eve of great battle with the infantry in dream
The Old General tossed in his sleep and wrestled with its meaning
He awoke from the night to tell what he had seen
And walked slowly out of his tent
All the men held tall with their chests in the air
With courage in their blood and a fire in their stare
And it was a gray morning and they were all wondering how they would fare
Till the old general told them to go home
He said I have seen the others
And I have discovered
That this fight is not worth fighting
And I have seen their mothers
And I will no other to follow me where I'm going
So
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men
You must be living
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men
You must be living
Go now, you are forgiven
But the men stood fast with their guns on their shoulders
Not knowing what to do with the contradicting orders
The General said he would do his own duty but he would extend it no further
The men can go as they please
But not a man moved, their eyes gazed straight ahead
Till one by one they stepped back and not a word was said
And the old general was left with his own words echoing in his head
He then prepared to fight
He said I have seen the others
And I have discovered
That this fight is not worth fighting
No, and I see their mothers
And I will no other to follow me where I'm going
So
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men
You must be living
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young men
You must be living
Go now, you are forgiven
I'm not hopping your bus to Overreaction City, Embellishment. If you're angry about anything at all, go ahead and be because I'm not and I don't care whose fault was what or why things happened how they did. Jesus, it's not even anything to lose breath over.
I've seen 'em come, and I've seen 'em go. There's one thing that I know. You've gotta give the people what they want, or you'll wind up back in Kokomo... Nebraska. They like it big. They like it loud. Maybe a little bit jazzy sometimes. Mister Pussycat, listen to me. You don't have to be good. But you had better be...
*bursts into song* BIIIIIIG AAAAAAND LOOOOOOOUUUUD.
*laughs* They like it big and loud.
I could be really mean right now, but I won't.
I woke up to this awesome song on KGRG that doesn't seem to exist. Hrm.
I've seen 'em come, and I've seen 'em go. There's one thing that I know. You've gotta give the people what they want, or you'll wind up back in Kokomo... Nebraska. They like it big. They like it loud. Maybe a little bit jazzy sometimes. Mister Pussycat, listen to me. You don't have to be good. But you had better be...
*bursts into song* BIIIIIIG AAAAAAND LOOOOOOOUUUUD.
*laughs* They like it big and loud.
I could be really mean right now, but I won't.
I woke up to this awesome song on KGRG that doesn't seem to exist. Hrm.
4.21.2003
When You Start To Raise Your Head (2003-04-21)
Bored without you to talk to. My computer's being gutted and reborn; I shall return in anywhere from three days to a week. Don't do something silly like forget about me.
Your Breath Of Fresh Air,
Sawa
I walked to Jade's house. It was worth the look on her face as she sputtered. You can't catch her offguard many times, but when you can... We made deviled eggs. Those mixed with the black cherry soda makes me feel like I'm going to vomit. So many things to do right now. So many thiiiings....
Read I Feel Sick in class all day whilst ignoring all other life forms. I think nothing of school, and it thinks nothing of me. And that driver's education course can fuck itself up the ass. Have fun Tony. I can't wait till tomorrow; three straight hours from 8 am to 11 am of SAT prep fun! :D!!! And the same thing on the next day too! YAY! Ahah. And then sleepies on Thursday and Friday mornings. And on May First, a trip to a mental disability housing project to meet all the crazy people of Auburn. The Oregon school districts have run out of money, so they're ending school for my siblings down there on Memorial Day. This angers me. I curse the bastards that passed the levy. I WANT OUT EARLY TOO. ;_;
In international news, my novel is on a very nasty hiatus until I can figure out what I'm trying to say, exactly. Jade gets a fan, Sawa gets hate mail. I LIKE HOW THINGS. WORK OUT. IN THE END. Heh hah.
She gave herself away with thephrases swiped from me during our conversations double spaces inbetween her sentences. I think I'll post it after all. It was funny, and... I have nothing else to say. Read on; I'm sure she will too.
Melinda Cross
Happy endings come to those that deserve them. From what I read, you don't. You should probably kill yourself because you are a shallow, useless member of society. With all that whining and complaining, no wonder he left you.
Sawa
Where can I sign up for your newsletter?
Melinda Cross
I would imagine at www.ishouldkillmyself.com
Sawa
Fascinating. Your rapier wit astounds my simple mind. I'll be sure to read in case another quip comes along.
Melinda Cross
You can say whatever you would like about what I am saying. Go ahead and point out my inferior intelligence and lack of wit. That is your natural defense mechanism. If you didn't insult others and blame the downfall of your life on the "worthless" people around you, you might actually have to evaluate your own life in all its splendor. You're not suicidal. Threatening suicide is the only thing you can do to make people pretend to care. Too bad it didn't work when you really needed it to and now you're all alone forever. Let's all cry for you.
Sawa
You're hilarious. Do another one.
Melinda Cross
k, stop me if you've heard this one; Two weeks ago all you could say is how much you hate him and hate him and hate him and now you say you could never hate him. You only say this so you can desperately cling to this imaginary icon since all real people and events have left you. You place him on your highest pedestal and pretend that the only reason he doesn't do the same for you is because someone supposedly stole him from you. It couldn't possibly be that you aren't as great as you seem to think you are.
Sawa
It's quite surprising how well you have me pegged. Considering you know me so well. Stop reading if you don't like it. I don't need to explain anything to anyone.
Melinda Cross
I suppose you are right. You don't need anyone and no one's opinion means anything to you.
I wonder how long she was waiting to tell me all of that, like Patrick and his rehearsed lines. Can anyone keep their cool anymore? I could taste the rage too, you see, but I had the upper hand at the beginning of the game. And I chose not to play my cards. Why? You'd never understand.
Bored without you to talk to. My computer's being gutted and reborn; I shall return in anywhere from three days to a week. Don't do something silly like forget about me.
Your Breath Of Fresh Air,
Sawa
I walked to Jade's house. It was worth the look on her face as she sputtered. You can't catch her offguard many times, but when you can... We made deviled eggs. Those mixed with the black cherry soda makes me feel like I'm going to vomit. So many things to do right now. So many thiiiings....
Read I Feel Sick in class all day whilst ignoring all other life forms. I think nothing of school, and it thinks nothing of me. And that driver's education course can fuck itself up the ass. Have fun Tony. I can't wait till tomorrow; three straight hours from 8 am to 11 am of SAT prep fun! :D!!! And the same thing on the next day too! YAY! Ahah. And then sleepies on Thursday and Friday mornings. And on May First, a trip to a mental disability housing project to meet all the crazy people of Auburn. The Oregon school districts have run out of money, so they're ending school for my siblings down there on Memorial Day. This angers me. I curse the bastards that passed the levy. I WANT OUT EARLY TOO. ;_;
In international news, my novel is on a very nasty hiatus until I can figure out what I'm trying to say, exactly. Jade gets a fan, Sawa gets hate mail. I LIKE HOW THINGS. WORK OUT. IN THE END. Heh hah.
She gave herself away with the
Melinda Cross
Happy endings come to those that deserve them. From what I read, you don't. You should probably kill yourself because you are a shallow, useless member of society. With all that whining and complaining, no wonder he left you.
Sawa
Where can I sign up for your newsletter?
Melinda Cross
I would imagine at www.ishouldkillmyself.com
Sawa
Fascinating. Your rapier wit astounds my simple mind. I'll be sure to read in case another quip comes along.
Melinda Cross
You can say whatever you would like about what I am saying. Go ahead and point out my inferior intelligence and lack of wit. That is your natural defense mechanism. If you didn't insult others and blame the downfall of your life on the "worthless" people around you, you might actually have to evaluate your own life in all its splendor. You're not suicidal. Threatening suicide is the only thing you can do to make people pretend to care. Too bad it didn't work when you really needed it to and now you're all alone forever. Let's all cry for you.
Sawa
You're hilarious. Do another one.
Melinda Cross
k, stop me if you've heard this one; Two weeks ago all you could say is how much you hate him and hate him and hate him and now you say you could never hate him. You only say this so you can desperately cling to this imaginary icon since all real people and events have left you. You place him on your highest pedestal and pretend that the only reason he doesn't do the same for you is because someone supposedly stole him from you. It couldn't possibly be that you aren't as great as you seem to think you are.
Sawa
It's quite surprising how well you have me pegged. Considering you know me so well. Stop reading if you don't like it. I don't need to explain anything to anyone.
Melinda Cross
I suppose you are right. You don't need anyone and no one's opinion means anything to you.
I wonder how long she was waiting to tell me all of that, like Patrick and his rehearsed lines. Can anyone keep their cool anymore? I could taste the rage too, you see, but I had the upper hand at the beginning of the game. And I chose not to play my cards. Why? You'd never understand.
4.20.2003
The post before the last one sounded almost... goth angst.
"Is that... goth angsty poetry?"
"I hope not. ;_;"
"'Oh, my life. It's over. Everything is a dark pit of despair and I can't escape this neverending Hell. The darkness consumes me.' That's goth angsty poetry."
"Mine is just angsty. And longwinded. :D"
(James. :\)
Edit: And I got an earful about it. Thanks for trying to understand, maybe I'll post the correspondence in its entirety if I care by the end of the day. The one directly before this one was MOCKERY. Someone accused me of something, and I decided to keep their view on things intact. Because I don't care what they think. As they so astutely discovered at the end of our banter.
I'm beginning to think that this is the place where all of the excess shit goes, considering the states of my other journals. D: Speaking of all of them, I got this strange and yet very good idea to compile every journal/diary/blog I've ever had into one big archive that everyone can read while I'm away for an extended period of time. Possibly when I'm in college. Or something. It'll be interesting to see how things have progressed, and to let all the little secrety things out.
Some people are really really angry. And I hope that I'm not like that. If I am, things are going to change in the next two days.
Kendra: Hey, Adrienne.
Adrienne: ...Yes?
Kendra: You know how you like black in the game?
Adrienne: What?
Kendra: Well, you know how you have a black house?
Adrienne: The roof is black.
Kendra: And how everything inside of it is black.
Adrienne: You mean blue.
Kendra: Whatever. Samantha gave you something black to match the inside.
I thought that was funny. Anyway.
I'm getting paranoid slightly... Over stupid things. I can't believe I'm thinking like this, but after what happened, I'm not surprised. Who knows who anyone is anymore.
Trent once told me that I never had to explain what's in here to anyone, that in fact I shouldn't because then it wouldn't be for just me. I wonder if she thinks I'm pathetic now. For some reason that sentence makes me laugh. Certainly didn't save me, did you. Where's the winking smilie when you need it. I don't know what Trent thinks at all, and in the process of trying to let go of everything I even pushed her away because talking to her drove my insides mad. We could never decide whether to feel hopeless or petrified of screwing up, and I've managed both quite well, I think.
The thing is, I may not like where I am now, I may lash out at everyone, I may say things I regret the moment after saying them. But I made plans, and I'm headed in a certain direction, and can't help but look forward to it. I don't care much about the right now, and that is doing the wrong wrong thing. I don't want to live for tomorrow like everyone else. I don't want to live for the weekends. Right now should be good. I'm working towards that.
And everything I say takes time to say it, time that passes and brings me one day closer to being pleased, if not downright happy, with where I am a year from now.
Ahem.
NOW THAT I'M DONE FEEDING YOU PEOPLE LITTLE BITS OF REASSURANCE, IT'S TIME TO GET BACK TO WHAT I DO BEST.
Witting people to death.
(Btw, my power supply is DEAD. Ugh. But it's still on warranty, so I should be able to fully function by Wednesday.)
"Is that... goth angsty poetry?"
"I hope not. ;_;"
"'Oh, my life. It's over. Everything is a dark pit of despair and I can't escape this neverending Hell. The darkness consumes me.' That's goth angsty poetry."
"Mine is just angsty. And longwinded. :D"
(James. :\)
Edit: And I got an earful about it. Thanks for trying to understand, maybe I'll post the correspondence in its entirety if I care by the end of the day. The one directly before this one was MOCKERY. Someone accused me of something, and I decided to keep their view on things intact. Because I don't care what they think. As they so astutely discovered at the end of our banter.
I'm beginning to think that this is the place where all of the excess shit goes, considering the states of my other journals. D: Speaking of all of them, I got this strange and yet very good idea to compile every journal/diary/blog I've ever had into one big archive that everyone can read while I'm away for an extended period of time. Possibly when I'm in college. Or something. It'll be interesting to see how things have progressed, and to let all the little secrety things out.
Some people are really really angry. And I hope that I'm not like that. If I am, things are going to change in the next two days.
Kendra: Hey, Adrienne.
Adrienne: ...Yes?
Kendra: You know how you like black in the game?
Adrienne: What?
Kendra: Well, you know how you have a black house?
Adrienne: The roof is black.
Kendra: And how everything inside of it is black.
Adrienne: You mean blue.
Kendra: Whatever. Samantha gave you something black to match the inside.
I thought that was funny. Anyway.
I'm getting paranoid slightly... Over stupid things. I can't believe I'm thinking like this, but after what happened, I'm not surprised. Who knows who anyone is anymore.
Trent once told me that I never had to explain what's in here to anyone, that in fact I shouldn't because then it wouldn't be for just me. I wonder if she thinks I'm pathetic now. For some reason that sentence makes me laugh. Certainly didn't save me, did you. Where's the winking smilie when you need it. I don't know what Trent thinks at all, and in the process of trying to let go of everything I even pushed her away because talking to her drove my insides mad. We could never decide whether to feel hopeless or petrified of screwing up, and I've managed both quite well, I think.
The thing is, I may not like where I am now, I may lash out at everyone, I may say things I regret the moment after saying them. But I made plans, and I'm headed in a certain direction, and can't help but look forward to it. I don't care much about the right now, and that is doing the wrong wrong thing. I don't want to live for tomorrow like everyone else. I don't want to live for the weekends. Right now should be good. I'm working towards that.
And everything I say takes time to say it, time that passes and brings me one day closer to being pleased, if not downright happy, with where I am a year from now.
Ahem.
NOW THAT I'M DONE FEEDING YOU PEOPLE LITTLE BITS OF REASSURANCE, IT'S TIME TO GET BACK TO WHAT I DO BEST.
Witting people to death.
(Btw, my power supply is DEAD. Ugh. But it's still on warranty, so I should be able to fully function by Wednesday.)
Oh, my life is full of misery and despair. I hate the world's cruelness. Everyone is so fake and assimilated. Woe is my life, full of black darkness and anger. The angst is overwhelming me, and I try to push back the forces with what little strength I have left, but it is of no use. The hot tears course down my alabaster cheeks as the thin razor cuts my wrist. I cannot bring myself to push down any further. I cry harder at my weakness, and I am lost and depressed. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
(Does that help reinforce your stance on my life? Good.)
(Does that help reinforce your stance on my life? Good.)
Where's my happy ending?
Score the lines in a deepening order
Score them deep just to make sure you told her
Destructive rage, it's just easier to be that way
At least you never have to eat the words you say
I take pleasure in being all alone
I save passion in making it on my own
Mimic. Copy. Clone. Your voice breaks my heart. There's blood in the little black book. He whispers in my ear while I sleep.
And you know I love you but you know that
There's nothing you can do about it
Because you love her and you still want me
Vera updated.
If I could be her
But I'm not her and she's not me
And you're somewhere different
On a different planet
Smiling face.
"Do you like Yuki?"
"...Sometimes."
Yuki and Shuichi. Taisa and Sawa.
Does Yuki even exist anymore?
Sow the petals on a dying flower
Did she kill them all or did they leave you because you left me? Personalities walk out on you in protest. They're still there, aren't they, though they don't get to come out much. Maybe she wants you to get rid of them so you do. I hope they torment you like you do me. I hope they come at night. I hope they disrupt you. I hope the memories kill you. I hope she made you into something you hate. I hope you're doing fine and that you find some nice girl from Miami to marry. I hope you get what you want. I hope you learned to play the piano because you really wanted to do that and even though I hate what you did I don't hate you, not now not ever. God, I hope you're laughing and smiling and having the best time because it would kill me if you weren't.
Tell her she will be all right
Tell her she will be fine
A million voices will leave her
*bites the insides of her mouth* And I hope you're doing better than I am.
Score the lines in a deepening order
Score them deep just to make sure you told her
Destructive rage, it's just easier to be that way
At least you never have to eat the words you say
I take pleasure in being all alone
I save passion in making it on my own
Mimic. Copy. Clone. Your voice breaks my heart. There's blood in the little black book. He whispers in my ear while I sleep.
And you know I love you but you know that
There's nothing you can do about it
Because you love her and you still want me
Vera updated.
If I could be her
But I'm not her and she's not me
And you're somewhere different
On a different planet
Smiling face.
"Do you like Yuki?"
"...Sometimes."
Yuki and Shuichi. Taisa and Sawa.
Does Yuki even exist anymore?
Sow the petals on a dying flower
Did she kill them all or did they leave you because you left me? Personalities walk out on you in protest. They're still there, aren't they, though they don't get to come out much. Maybe she wants you to get rid of them so you do. I hope they torment you like you do me. I hope they come at night. I hope they disrupt you. I hope the memories kill you. I hope she made you into something you hate. I hope you're doing fine and that you find some nice girl from Miami to marry. I hope you get what you want. I hope you learned to play the piano because you really wanted to do that and even though I hate what you did I don't hate you, not now not ever. God, I hope you're laughing and smiling and having the best time because it would kill me if you weren't.
Tell her she will be all right
Tell her she will be fine
A million voices will leave her
*bites the insides of her mouth* And I hope you're doing better than I am.
4.19.2003
Spam and Steph and I got the good idea to attack the circle driveway with a load of chalk at 11:30 last night. We played Mother May I and Hopscotch and Red Light Green Light. Spam drew Spongebob, I drew Zim. Spam brought the broom out with her, for some reason. We played Red Light Green Light over the hopscotch blocks and Stephanie mooned us when we were just about halfway. What a strange sight that was. We didn't go inside till 1.
Today, we went out for Mexican food at Las Margaritas. Spam and I convinced Stephanie that she has bacteria crawling all over her and her food. Then I asked her if she liked yogurt. She ran to the bathroom holding a hand over her mouth. She came back, and tried to shove chips into my box of leftovers. I told her if she wanted to take chips with her, she should put them down her shirt or something. And she did. Spam crunched them up into small bits, and Stephanie flung them everywhere. She bet me two dollars that I wouldn't eat a huge spoonful of sour cream, and I did. I'm chewing on the plastic sword from my daquiri right now. Interesting times indeed.
Lex: I found out yesterday that one of my very very close friends, someone like a brother to me, died two days ago.
Sawa: *holds you gently* Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry..
Lex: -Nods a bit- Heroin overdose.
First of all... My actions toward her disgust me. I beg apologies from all whose opinions matter. Second, her friend died just like the boy I killed.
...No words for that.
...I'm going to play DS online now.
Today, we went out for Mexican food at Las Margaritas. Spam and I convinced Stephanie that she has bacteria crawling all over her and her food. Then I asked her if she liked yogurt. She ran to the bathroom holding a hand over her mouth. She came back, and tried to shove chips into my box of leftovers. I told her if she wanted to take chips with her, she should put them down her shirt or something. And she did. Spam crunched them up into small bits, and Stephanie flung them everywhere. She bet me two dollars that I wouldn't eat a huge spoonful of sour cream, and I did. I'm chewing on the plastic sword from my daquiri right now. Interesting times indeed.
Lex: I found out yesterday that one of my very very close friends, someone like a brother to me, died two days ago.
Sawa: *holds you gently* Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry..
Lex: -Nods a bit- Heroin overdose.
First of all... My actions toward her disgust me. I beg apologies from all whose opinions matter. Second, her friend died just like the boy I killed.
...No words for that.
...I'm going to play DS online now.
| I scored 65% on the classic 400 Point Purity Test! |
| Take the test here! |
Talk to me
Dance with me here
In the spotlight
This Trenny Thing is spiraling into reality and I don't like it one bit. I get to know him and he gets to know who? Sawa, a chameleon with no care for human beings. How unfair is that, the Libra side of me screams. And then both Fuuma and Hide tell it to shut up, sit back and enjoy the entertainment.
So perfect you paint it
Yet so manipulating
We talk about jobs this summer, and plans and things like that. He's always busy all the time, with whatever. He's landed this physics/chemistry research job in Iowa over the summer. Three thousand dollars. I was right, this guy's so busy how could he possibly have time to love Missy? Jade's suggestion was marvelous: date him for a few weeks to rub into Missy's face, and then dump him. She's still pining for him, too. Tee hee.
So calm and so patient
Yet oh so calculating
T: you can tell me anything and I wouldn't change the way i think of you.
S: anything, really?
T: yuppers. your still an uber cool person in my book.
Lol.
So safe and comforting
This doesn't feel like flirting
I'm filling out the intern form for Camp Sealth like I said I would last year and listening to the children in the next room dying eggs for tomorrow. I go to my father's house for the second half of the day, or would be if I wasn't so apathetic that I can't even pick the phone up and call him. I really don't want to go, but I don't want to be here either. Feh.
So fun, I'm distracted
Forgot you keep track of it
This is so stupid, though. It doesn't get me anywhere. It doesn't get him anywhere. It's just a case of the upper-middle class white kid boredom. Having become disinterested in the many expensive toys around them, one turns to crime. Or in this case, the occasional minor crime with a lot of misdirection and deceit, seasoned to taste with self-mutilation. Yawn.
Talk to me
Dance with me here
You're the spotlight, girl
Dance with me here
In the spotlight
This Trenny Thing is spiraling into reality and I don't like it one bit. I get to know him and he gets to know who? Sawa, a chameleon with no care for human beings. How unfair is that, the Libra side of me screams. And then both Fuuma and Hide tell it to shut up, sit back and enjoy the entertainment.
So perfect you paint it
Yet so manipulating
We talk about jobs this summer, and plans and things like that. He's always busy all the time, with whatever. He's landed this physics/chemistry research job in Iowa over the summer. Three thousand dollars. I was right, this guy's so busy how could he possibly have time to love Missy? Jade's suggestion was marvelous: date him for a few weeks to rub into Missy's face, and then dump him. She's still pining for him, too. Tee hee.
So calm and so patient
Yet oh so calculating
T: you can tell me anything and I wouldn't change the way i think of you.
S: anything, really?
T: yuppers. your still an uber cool person in my book.
Lol.
So safe and comforting
This doesn't feel like flirting
I'm filling out the intern form for Camp Sealth like I said I would last year and listening to the children in the next room dying eggs for tomorrow. I go to my father's house for the second half of the day, or would be if I wasn't so apathetic that I can't even pick the phone up and call him. I really don't want to go, but I don't want to be here either. Feh.
So fun, I'm distracted
Forgot you keep track of it
This is so stupid, though. It doesn't get me anywhere. It doesn't get him anywhere. It's just a case of the upper-middle class white kid boredom. Having become disinterested in the many expensive toys around them, one turns to crime. Or in this case, the occasional minor crime with a lot of misdirection and deceit, seasoned to taste with self-mutilation. Yawn.
Talk to me
Dance with me here
You're the spotlight, girl
4.18.2003
Sawa: the fact that my english is going doesn't bother me, considering. it could be worse after all. i could speak in leet. i could speak JAPANESE in leet.
Tony: EARGH! *dives under the desk*
Sawa: exactly.
Tony: ...Japanese l33t?! Engrish l33t. XD No no... Engrish r33t. | f33l C0k3?
Sean: Mommy, what is love?
Adrienne: Love is ebola from the inside out instead of the outside in.
Tony: EARGH! *dives under the desk*
Sawa: exactly.
Tony: ...Japanese l33t?! Engrish l33t. XD No no... Engrish r33t. | f33l C0k3?
Sean: Mommy, what is love?
Adrienne: Love is ebola from the inside out instead of the outside in.
Ayu-chan song after Ayu-chan song while Soul Lancing little demon things in the middle of a tundra makes me crave AMVs. So I went looking for the opener at Sakura Con 2003, and a few others I remember from 2002. I found the opener, it's called Mission Improbable. This has to be the best AMV ever put to techno EVER. ('Twas the one whose bass I called "soul-splitting", after all.) It was a huge collaboration, and there's tons of anime in it. 9 minutes of sheer genius. The song is parts of Ba Kkwo by Lee Jung Hyun sung in Chinese instead of Korean and remixed extensively from the first version of the Chinese one. Crazy. o.o *drool* (The name/creator's down there on the right if you're curious. It's in both Mandarin and Cantonese for, uh.. anyone that cares.)
Along with that, I'm also getting a suggested Golden Boy vid from 1999 (i.e. Baka Con, or When Sakura Con Wasn't Sakura Con). It's to Ace of Base's "It's a Beautiful Life", and supposedly had everyone bouncing in their seats and laughing their asses off, so... why not.
God damn, I want to go to another con... *plots ways of getting over to Otakon*....
Along with that, I'm also getting a suggested Golden Boy vid from 1999 (i.e. Baka Con, or When Sakura Con Wasn't Sakura Con). It's to Ace of Base's "It's a Beautiful Life", and supposedly had everyone bouncing in their seats and laughing their asses off, so... why not.
God damn, I want to go to another con... *plots ways of getting over to Otakon*....
Hahaha... Hahahahahahahaha....
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And she ties your hands with a string of pearls
And you tremble like a frightened bird
Come closer little ones, let me TAKE MY PAIN OUT ON YOU. UNSUSPECTING SHEEP.
Tell us what you want
What you need
What you feel
This thing I have inside me is never dying. Never fading just like the cold inside the trees here. I am so pissed off at myself for feeling that I'm attacking left and right. Left right left right shoot shoot shoot. Like Ulala from fucking Space Channel 5. Spilt into split, rehearsed words and gestures. If only I could truly let go and just fuck anything that moves like some of my friends. The friends with nothing but stories to tell. Human beings, what a god damn waste of time.
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye
And be gone from me
*curls up on the floor* Wrote in my little black book last night. Haven't talked to James since he stood me up at the con. Jade's gone. Oh, I already mentioned that. Well, I mean it in another way. Everyone thinks that everyone else is just being an overemotional fuckwit when that's exactly what they're being too. See? I'm not totally gone. I see. I feel like that babbling moron from SEL that Lain called the Cheshire Cat. "I see, I see." Too much hiss in his server. Can't believe I remember these things. Can't believe my head's not already full of things in the past.
Can’t believe how strange it is to be anything at all
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And she ties your hands with a string of pearls
And you tremble like a frightened bird
Come closer little ones, let me TAKE MY PAIN OUT ON YOU. UNSUSPECTING SHEEP.
Tell us what you want
What you need
What you feel
This thing I have inside me is never dying. Never fading just like the cold inside the trees here. I am so pissed off at myself for feeling that I'm attacking left and right. Left right left right shoot shoot shoot. Like Ulala from fucking Space Channel 5. Spilt into split, rehearsed words and gestures. If only I could truly let go and just fuck anything that moves like some of my friends. The friends with nothing but stories to tell. Human beings, what a god damn waste of time.
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye
And be gone from me
*curls up on the floor* Wrote in my little black book last night. Haven't talked to James since he stood me up at the con. Jade's gone. Oh, I already mentioned that. Well, I mean it in another way. Everyone thinks that everyone else is just being an overemotional fuckwit when that's exactly what they're being too. See? I'm not totally gone. I see. I feel like that babbling moron from SEL that Lain called the Cheshire Cat. "I see, I see." Too much hiss in his server. Can't believe I remember these things. Can't believe my head's not already full of things in the past.
Can’t believe how strange it is to be anything at all
Sean: Yeah, I actually READ Rescue last night, as opposed to just looking it over. I'll be having nightmares for more than a few months now. Hope you're happy.
Adrienne: XD YAY.
Sean: What? Was this a bonus goal?
Adrienne: Yes. ....You mean you hadn't read it before?
Sean: Not with the purpose of understanding and taking it in, no.
Adrienne: So what'd you think? :D
Sean: Just....ugh. DISTURBING.
Adrienne: LOL, And goooooood? :D
Sean: Very, but that's not the point.
Adrienne: What's the point then?
Sean: It's creepy....and twisted.
Adrienne: Yes. It is. : )
Adrienne: XD YAY.
Sean: What? Was this a bonus goal?
Adrienne: Yes. ....You mean you hadn't read it before?
Sean: Not with the purpose of understanding and taking it in, no.
Adrienne: So what'd you think? :D
Sean: Just....ugh. DISTURBING.
Adrienne: LOL, And goooooood? :D
Sean: Very, but that's not the point.
Adrienne: What's the point then?
Sean: It's creepy....and twisted.
Adrienne: Yes. It is. : )
I'm so bored at fucking.. *looks at the clock* 2:16 in the morning that I strike up conversation with Trenton of all people and spout lies like a fountain spouts water. It all comes out so easily.
This is out of context, but it's funny that this should come up in the conversation:
ZioMatrix316: I love you
ZioMatrix316: marry me
His nickname is Trenny. Which sounds way too much like tranny (i.e. transvestite). He thinks I'm a singer in a band that sounds like "Conor's lyrics put to oldschool Radiohead and Neutral Milk Hotel", that my birthday is June 16th (HAHAHA) and that I live in Spokane. And, of course, my name is Sawa.
What he doesn't know is that there's a Secret and a Ninja before that.
Here he is saying things like:
ZioMatrix316: you were a breath of fresh air tonight
And I'm not even who he thinks. Ignorance is bliss, and everything is whatever you want it to be.
I am such a jackass.
This is out of context, but it's funny that this should come up in the conversation:
ZioMatrix316: I love you
ZioMatrix316: marry me
His nickname is Trenny. Which sounds way too much like tranny (i.e. transvestite). He thinks I'm a singer in a band that sounds like "Conor's lyrics put to oldschool Radiohead and Neutral Milk Hotel", that my birthday is June 16th (HAHAHA) and that I live in Spokane. And, of course, my name is Sawa.
What he doesn't know is that there's a Secret and a Ninja before that.
Here he is saying things like:
ZioMatrix316: you were a breath of fresh air tonight
And I'm not even who he thinks. Ignorance is bliss, and everything is whatever you want it to be.
I am such a jackass.
4.17.2003
Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
She was a cleaning lady. She was a cleaning lady who charged $15.50 by the hour, and stared at the big hand on her watch tick past the last few seconds of her time at any given household. Then she would turn off the vacuum, or set the mop down, and walk away from all the cleaning supplies laid out in every room. They paid her enough to clean up their messes, but they didn't pay her enough to clean up her own.
And then I discovered that it was Steve and not our house-cleaning-person that had done this. Steve cleaned my bathroom before work in a fit of whatever.
The substitute for what's lacking was far more complete the second time through
Ryan called. Talked about his band and coughing up blood.
Father called. Asked me to go to Easter brunch this Sunday. Asked me to go to Chelan this summer. Asked me to go to Hawaii next March. I said yes to all three. Told me I need to get my grades up, this being on the same day he wrote my mother a letter blaming their state on her actions. Told me I need to be pleasant, which reminded me of Jade's father, and told me I need to be proactive and not-depressed. I wrote "shoot me" in big letters on a legal pad next to the phone, and tried to lift my heavy voice at the end of each question to sound interested.
The children whom I find myself inexplicably related to are going to be here tomorrow.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
The space between what's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding
I am making a new layout for this blog.
It stopped raining.
Jade left her floppy and her book and my crappy watercolor for her here. She is gone. And so am I.
We're walking out of here
Heuheuheuheuheuheuheu. Stupid people and their music arguments.
Their post:
So, I recently saw and online discussion about the sad state of songwriting in the new century. Someone mentioned a man named Conor Oberst as a shining beacon in the muck. So I went and looked him up to see what the fuss was about. This is what I found.
Touch, lying on the floor
Wishing this could last
Knowing that it can’t
Soon you will leave
And I'll be on the floor
Watching the TV
Trying hard to find
A reason to move
I’m frozen in one place
Staring at the screen
Listening to the rain
Falling on the street
Some days go on too long
To know, no one can hang out tonight
Here, where the carpet's cool and soft
Underneath the clock
I feel my weary heart is put to rest
You gather around your friends
The connection that you feel
When the night has not yet died
You are new
(And near now to someone)
With a promise of a love
(You used to love)
you will probably never find
(When you were young)
(When all was gold and you two touched)
A touch that you can really feel
(And felt the flutter underneath your skin)
The brokenness inside
(You stood in glowing rooms)
(The light dripping from both of you)
As hope and less collide
(And nothing since has felt as radiant or real)
And nothing is real
Love, there's nothing more I want
Than just one night
That’s free of doubt and sadness
One night, one night, one night
One night that I can really feel
Yeah. Excuse my while I laugh. I've seen 10th grade poetry that's better than that. Ugh. My head. Let's take a look at what real songs look like, shall we?
"Changing of the guards" by Bob Dylan
Sixteen years,
Sixteen banners united over the field
Where the good shepherd grieves.
Desperate men, desperate women divided,
Spreading their wings 'neath the falling leaves.
Fortune calls.
I stepped forth from the shadows, to the marketplace,
Merchants and thieves, hungry for power, my last deal gone down.
She's smelling sweet like the meadows where she was born,
On midsummer's eve, near the tower.
The cold-blooded moon.
The captain waits above the celebration
Sending his thoughts to a beloved maid
Whose ebony face is beyond communication.
The captain is down but still believing that his love will be repaid.
They shaved her head.
She was torn between Jupiter and Apollo.
A messenger arrived with a black nightingale.
I’d seen her on the stairs and I couldn't help but follow,
Follow her down past the fountain where they lifted her veil.
I stumbled to my feet.
I rode past destruction in the ditches
With the stitches still mending 'neath a heart-shaped tattoo.
Renegade priests and treacherous young witches
Who were handing out the flowers that I'd given to you.
The palace of mirrors
Where dog soldiers are reflected,
The endless road and the wailing of chimes,
The empty rooms where her memory is protected,
Where the angels' voices whisper to the souls of previous times.
She wakes him up
Forty-eight hours later, the sun is breaking
Near broken chains, mountain laurel and rolling rocks.
She's begging to know what measures he now will be taking.
He's pulling her down and she's clutching on to his long golden locks.
Gentlemen, he said,
I don't need your organization, I've shined your shoes,
I've moved your mountains and marked your cards
But Eden is burning, either get ready for elimination
Or else your hearts must have the courage for the changing of the guards.
Peace will come
With tranquility and splendor on the wheels of fire
But will offer no reward when her false idols fall
And cruel death surrenders with its pale ghost retreating
Between the King and the Queen of Swords.
Jade wrote her too. (Yes, her. She's the biggest fan of Bob Dylan I have ever seen, AND she likes Gackt. A lot. After reading what she has to say, it's quite obvious how much of a HYPOCRITE she is, considering Gackt's lyrics.) I don't have saved what I wrote, but it went to the tune (LOL... bad pun) of something like, "Oberst is in an entirely different genre and era than Dylan, so how can they even be compared? And it's obvious that you like Dylan a LOT, so why would you give Oberst any ground in the first place? You should've researched him as much as you could before even coming up with such an opinion."
Sawa? Stay the fuck out of my journal. Just from your interactions with Petit [Jade], I don't like you.
Your pathetic attempts to defend Mr Oberst are laughable. I didn't look at more than one song? Were you tracking my internet usage? How do you know what I did or didn't look at? I don't make sweeping judgments based on one example, as you seem to do. How many Dylan albums do you own? How many Dylan songs have you heard, really listened to? From your comments, I can assume not many. Ask anyone who knows anything about music that was made before 1990, and they'll tell you the same thing. Bob Dylan is a poet, the most gifted songwriter of the 20th century. Deny it and you either, A) can't read, or B) are an idiot. Bob Dylan is relevant for any generation, as long as you live in the real world. The Ballad of Hollis Brown, the Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll, Masters of War, Hurricane, Girl From the North Country, Don't Think Twice, It's All Right? These are all songs that deal with very socially relevant issues of the time we live in. Hopelessness, racism, love, loss. Do these things not exist in our time? Dylan has released 56 albums since 1961. Even his worst songs are better than what I saw from your Oberst person. His writing is powerful, chilling. Time Magazine named him one of the most important Americans, and not for nothing. His songs have been covered by literally hundreds of musicians, among them, Jimi Hendrix, the Rolling Stones, Joan Baez, the Byrds, Guns 'n' Roses, and many more. But what would you know about any of those people? Dylan has influenced countless songwriters. There's a reason.
Here's one:
Far between sundown's finish an' midnight's broken toll
We ducked inside the doorway, thunder crashing
As majestic bells of bolts struck shadows in the sounds
Seeming to be the chimes of freedom flashing
Flashing for the warriors whose strength is not to fight
Flashing for the refugees on the unarmed road of flight
An' for each an' ev'ry underdog soldier in the night
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
In the city's melted furnace, unexpectedly we watched
With faces hidden while the walls were tightening
As the echo of the wedding bells before the blowin' rain
Dissolved into the bells of the lightning
Tolling for the rebel, tolling for the rake
Tolling for the luckless, the abandoned an' forsaked
Tolling for the outcast, burnin' constantly at stake
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Through the mad mystic hammering of the wild ripping hail
The sky cracked its poems in naked wonder
That the clinging of the church bells blew far into the breeze
Leaving only bells of lightning and its thunder
Striking for the gentle, striking for the kind
Striking for the guardians and protectors of the mind
An' the unpawned painter behind beyond his rightful time
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Through the wild cathedral evening the rain unraveled tales
For the disrobed faceless forms of no position
Tolling for the tongues with no place to bring their thoughts
All down in taken-for-granted situations
Tolling for the deaf an' blind, tolling for the mute
Tolling for the mistreated, mateless mother, the mistitled prostitute
For the misdemeanor outlaw, chased an' cheated by pursuit
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Even though a cloud's white curtain in a far-off corner flashed
An' the hypnotic splattered mist was slowly lifting
Electric light still struck like arrows, fired but for the ones
Condemned to drift or else be kept from drifting
Tolling for the searching ones, on their speechless, seeking trail
For the lonesome-hearted lovers with too personal a tale
An' for each unharmful, gentle soul misplaced inside a jail
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Starry-eyed an' laughing as I recall when we were caught
Trapped by no track of hours for they hanged suspended
As we listened one last time an' we watched with one last look
Spellbound an' swallowed 'til the tolling ended
Tolling for the aching ones whose wounds cannot be nursed
For the countless confused, accused, misused, strung-out ones an' worse
An' for every hung-up person in the whole wide universe
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Compared to this?
The language in the dimmer rooms
Seems to represent the light source well
How soft they speak and seem to be at peace
With the movement of the music and the madness
That is pulling me into this
And the shades of the lamps are woven red
The light, it stains and consecrates
Anointing all forgotten forms
That swirl and smoke and haunt this place
The girls in gowns all nurse the dark
Pulling it near to their swelling breasts
And watch as it seeps to their hearts
And beats within their virgin chests
And here I know seduction breeds
From wanton hearts that would seduce
And grows and spreads its vine and leaves
Embracing those who might have moved
But now remain to drink the night
From vials black and thick with steam
Such intoxicating delights
That leave you drunk inside this dream
And you watch them take the light from you
And you find yourself
On a velvet couch
Tasting the skin of a foreign girl
Her eyes are black
And wet like oil
And she ties your hands with a string of pearls
And you tremble like a frightened bird
As she closes in and captures you
To place you in the silver cage
Deep within her poisoned womb
And once you're safe inside
She might let you out to fly
In the circles around the room
But it's always night
And there is no moon
And you wonder if you are alive
And you’re not sure if you want to be
But you drank her sweat like it was wine
And you lay with her on a bed of blue
And it's awful sweet
Like the fruit she cuts and feeds to you
Please. I might burst a blood vessel laughing. That is nothing more than a poor, childish imitation of the genius of Dylan.
Conor Oberst owes whatever success he has to Bob Dylan. Bon Dylan BEGAN the singer/songwriter era.
Go learn some music history, step out of your little box, and then come talk to me. Or rather, don't. I have no desire to converse with the likes of you.
The comments for my journal will be turned OFF from here on out.
For those of you that think me overly dramatic, this has very little to do with Ms Sawa's patronizing remarks about Bob Dylan. It has everything to do with the fact that Ms Sawa is a cruel little witch to someone that is very dear to my girlfriend.
~ Regan ~
LOL
Yeah. Okay.
Inunrelated news...
You're the smirk, a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant, but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn, but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.
What Kind of Smile are You?
Their post:
So, I recently saw and online discussion about the sad state of songwriting in the new century. Someone mentioned a man named Conor Oberst as a shining beacon in the muck. So I went and looked him up to see what the fuss was about. This is what I found.
Touch, lying on the floor
Wishing this could last
Knowing that it can’t
Soon you will leave
And I'll be on the floor
Watching the TV
Trying hard to find
A reason to move
I’m frozen in one place
Staring at the screen
Listening to the rain
Falling on the street
Some days go on too long
To know, no one can hang out tonight
Here, where the carpet's cool and soft
Underneath the clock
I feel my weary heart is put to rest
You gather around your friends
The connection that you feel
When the night has not yet died
You are new
(And near now to someone)
With a promise of a love
(You used to love)
you will probably never find
(When you were young)
(When all was gold and you two touched)
A touch that you can really feel
(And felt the flutter underneath your skin)
The brokenness inside
(You stood in glowing rooms)
(The light dripping from both of you)
As hope and less collide
(And nothing since has felt as radiant or real)
And nothing is real
Love, there's nothing more I want
Than just one night
That’s free of doubt and sadness
One night, one night, one night
One night that I can really feel
Yeah. Excuse my while I laugh. I've seen 10th grade poetry that's better than that. Ugh. My head. Let's take a look at what real songs look like, shall we?
"Changing of the guards" by Bob Dylan
Sixteen years,
Sixteen banners united over the field
Where the good shepherd grieves.
Desperate men, desperate women divided,
Spreading their wings 'neath the falling leaves.
Fortune calls.
I stepped forth from the shadows, to the marketplace,
Merchants and thieves, hungry for power, my last deal gone down.
She's smelling sweet like the meadows where she was born,
On midsummer's eve, near the tower.
The cold-blooded moon.
The captain waits above the celebration
Sending his thoughts to a beloved maid
Whose ebony face is beyond communication.
The captain is down but still believing that his love will be repaid.
They shaved her head.
She was torn between Jupiter and Apollo.
A messenger arrived with a black nightingale.
I’d seen her on the stairs and I couldn't help but follow,
Follow her down past the fountain where they lifted her veil.
I stumbled to my feet.
I rode past destruction in the ditches
With the stitches still mending 'neath a heart-shaped tattoo.
Renegade priests and treacherous young witches
Who were handing out the flowers that I'd given to you.
The palace of mirrors
Where dog soldiers are reflected,
The endless road and the wailing of chimes,
The empty rooms where her memory is protected,
Where the angels' voices whisper to the souls of previous times.
She wakes him up
Forty-eight hours later, the sun is breaking
Near broken chains, mountain laurel and rolling rocks.
She's begging to know what measures he now will be taking.
He's pulling her down and she's clutching on to his long golden locks.
Gentlemen, he said,
I don't need your organization, I've shined your shoes,
I've moved your mountains and marked your cards
But Eden is burning, either get ready for elimination
Or else your hearts must have the courage for the changing of the guards.
Peace will come
With tranquility and splendor on the wheels of fire
But will offer no reward when her false idols fall
And cruel death surrenders with its pale ghost retreating
Between the King and the Queen of Swords.
Jade wrote her too. (Yes, her. She's the biggest fan of Bob Dylan I have ever seen, AND she likes Gackt. A lot. After reading what she has to say, it's quite obvious how much of a HYPOCRITE she is, considering Gackt's lyrics.) I don't have saved what I wrote, but it went to the tune (LOL... bad pun) of something like, "Oberst is in an entirely different genre and era than Dylan, so how can they even be compared? And it's obvious that you like Dylan a LOT, so why would you give Oberst any ground in the first place? You should've researched him as much as you could before even coming up with such an opinion."
Sawa? Stay the fuck out of my journal. Just from your interactions with Petit [Jade], I don't like you.
Your pathetic attempts to defend Mr Oberst are laughable. I didn't look at more than one song? Were you tracking my internet usage? How do you know what I did or didn't look at? I don't make sweeping judgments based on one example, as you seem to do. How many Dylan albums do you own? How many Dylan songs have you heard, really listened to? From your comments, I can assume not many. Ask anyone who knows anything about music that was made before 1990, and they'll tell you the same thing. Bob Dylan is a poet, the most gifted songwriter of the 20th century. Deny it and you either, A) can't read, or B) are an idiot. Bob Dylan is relevant for any generation, as long as you live in the real world. The Ballad of Hollis Brown, the Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll, Masters of War, Hurricane, Girl From the North Country, Don't Think Twice, It's All Right? These are all songs that deal with very socially relevant issues of the time we live in. Hopelessness, racism, love, loss. Do these things not exist in our time? Dylan has released 56 albums since 1961. Even his worst songs are better than what I saw from your Oberst person. His writing is powerful, chilling. Time Magazine named him one of the most important Americans, and not for nothing. His songs have been covered by literally hundreds of musicians, among them, Jimi Hendrix, the Rolling Stones, Joan Baez, the Byrds, Guns 'n' Roses, and many more. But what would you know about any of those people? Dylan has influenced countless songwriters. There's a reason.
Here's one:
Far between sundown's finish an' midnight's broken toll
We ducked inside the doorway, thunder crashing
As majestic bells of bolts struck shadows in the sounds
Seeming to be the chimes of freedom flashing
Flashing for the warriors whose strength is not to fight
Flashing for the refugees on the unarmed road of flight
An' for each an' ev'ry underdog soldier in the night
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
In the city's melted furnace, unexpectedly we watched
With faces hidden while the walls were tightening
As the echo of the wedding bells before the blowin' rain
Dissolved into the bells of the lightning
Tolling for the rebel, tolling for the rake
Tolling for the luckless, the abandoned an' forsaked
Tolling for the outcast, burnin' constantly at stake
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Through the mad mystic hammering of the wild ripping hail
The sky cracked its poems in naked wonder
That the clinging of the church bells blew far into the breeze
Leaving only bells of lightning and its thunder
Striking for the gentle, striking for the kind
Striking for the guardians and protectors of the mind
An' the unpawned painter behind beyond his rightful time
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Through the wild cathedral evening the rain unraveled tales
For the disrobed faceless forms of no position
Tolling for the tongues with no place to bring their thoughts
All down in taken-for-granted situations
Tolling for the deaf an' blind, tolling for the mute
Tolling for the mistreated, mateless mother, the mistitled prostitute
For the misdemeanor outlaw, chased an' cheated by pursuit
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Even though a cloud's white curtain in a far-off corner flashed
An' the hypnotic splattered mist was slowly lifting
Electric light still struck like arrows, fired but for the ones
Condemned to drift or else be kept from drifting
Tolling for the searching ones, on their speechless, seeking trail
For the lonesome-hearted lovers with too personal a tale
An' for each unharmful, gentle soul misplaced inside a jail
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Starry-eyed an' laughing as I recall when we were caught
Trapped by no track of hours for they hanged suspended
As we listened one last time an' we watched with one last look
Spellbound an' swallowed 'til the tolling ended
Tolling for the aching ones whose wounds cannot be nursed
For the countless confused, accused, misused, strung-out ones an' worse
An' for every hung-up person in the whole wide universe
An' we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
Compared to this?
The language in the dimmer rooms
Seems to represent the light source well
How soft they speak and seem to be at peace
With the movement of the music and the madness
That is pulling me into this
And the shades of the lamps are woven red
The light, it stains and consecrates
Anointing all forgotten forms
That swirl and smoke and haunt this place
The girls in gowns all nurse the dark
Pulling it near to their swelling breasts
And watch as it seeps to their hearts
And beats within their virgin chests
And here I know seduction breeds
From wanton hearts that would seduce
And grows and spreads its vine and leaves
Embracing those who might have moved
But now remain to drink the night
From vials black and thick with steam
Such intoxicating delights
That leave you drunk inside this dream
And you watch them take the light from you
And you find yourself
On a velvet couch
Tasting the skin of a foreign girl
Her eyes are black
And wet like oil
And she ties your hands with a string of pearls
And you tremble like a frightened bird
As she closes in and captures you
To place you in the silver cage
Deep within her poisoned womb
And once you're safe inside
She might let you out to fly
In the circles around the room
But it's always night
And there is no moon
And you wonder if you are alive
And you’re not sure if you want to be
But you drank her sweat like it was wine
And you lay with her on a bed of blue
And it's awful sweet
Like the fruit she cuts and feeds to you
Please. I might burst a blood vessel laughing. That is nothing more than a poor, childish imitation of the genius of Dylan.
Conor Oberst owes whatever success he has to Bob Dylan. Bon Dylan BEGAN the singer/songwriter era.
Go learn some music history, step out of your little box, and then come talk to me. Or rather, don't. I have no desire to converse with the likes of you.
The comments for my journal will be turned OFF from here on out.
For those of you that think me overly dramatic, this has very little to do with Ms Sawa's patronizing remarks about Bob Dylan. It has everything to do with the fact that Ms Sawa is a cruel little witch to someone that is very dear to my girlfriend.
~ Regan ~
LOL
Yeah. Okay.
In
You're the smirk, a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant, but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn, but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.
What Kind of Smile are You?
4.15.2003
I’ve cried, and you would think I'd feel better for it, but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in my spine for the rest of my life. And I’ve learned, and you’d think I’d be something more now, but it just goes to show it is not what you know. It's what you were thinking at the time. This feeling’s familiar. I’ve been here before, in a kitchen this quiet I waited for a sign or just something that might reassure me of anything close to meaning or motion, with a reason to move. I needed something I want to be close to. And I scream, but I still don’t know why I do it, because the sound never stays, it just swells and decays, so what is the point? Why try to fight what is now so certain? The truth is all that I am, is a passing event that will be forgotten.
I remember sitting on the kitchen floor with the knife in my hand, and how clear and focused my head was. I wish I would have killed myself then because looking back on the decision, there's nothing worth sticking around for thus far. Or at least that the clarity would come back and my lips would be sealed shut because I'd forgotten every single word of every language I ever knew.
I laid in bed last night and thought about death, that it happens eventually and came to the conclusion that, when it doesn't happen abruptly, it must be a lot like fading into sleep when you're exhausted. Your eyes are open, you're looking around, and before you know it you've fallen asleep. That must be a really nice feeling. And then I got really scared because that would mean leaving this for nothing, and that you don't even have dreams to remind you of what you're doing. Like when you sleep and you don't remember your dreams. You weren't aware that you were doing anything at all. And then I wished that Jade was there and inside my head so she was scared like I was, and that for once I could have someone to cling with and cry in front of. But she's not that person, not that kind of person. Because that person left, and their ghost is still here, frowning upon my actions and proverbially smacking my knuckles with a yard stick whenever I make a mistake in a theory or a thought. So I fell asleep thinking about how alone I am going to be, and my dreams left me nothing but the thought of glass cake and fish in a river.
I only wanted Chris to be that person because you refused to be it for me. I didn't mean to cause you anything harmful.
I've gone insane and he'd never want me back. Ever. Because I'm not what he wants me to be, which is what he said he didn't want me to be in the first place. *bites the inside of her lip* I'm so far in the deep end, how could anyone be that for me. I refuse everyone, no one's good enough, no one's right enough.
You gave up. You just gave up.
You didn't even send me anything. You made me feel guilty about not getting you anything for Christmas, so I bought you the manga for your birthday, and later you came to me and complained about her reaction to you not getting her anything for some special occasion. Why do I remember all of this? Why doesn't it leave?
*hangs her head*
I was, am, will always be nothing. And no one will be anything to me.
I remember sitting on the kitchen floor with the knife in my hand, and how clear and focused my head was. I wish I would have killed myself then because looking back on the decision, there's nothing worth sticking around for thus far. Or at least that the clarity would come back and my lips would be sealed shut because I'd forgotten every single word of every language I ever knew.
I laid in bed last night and thought about death, that it happens eventually and came to the conclusion that, when it doesn't happen abruptly, it must be a lot like fading into sleep when you're exhausted. Your eyes are open, you're looking around, and before you know it you've fallen asleep. That must be a really nice feeling. And then I got really scared because that would mean leaving this for nothing, and that you don't even have dreams to remind you of what you're doing. Like when you sleep and you don't remember your dreams. You weren't aware that you were doing anything at all. And then I wished that Jade was there and inside my head so she was scared like I was, and that for once I could have someone to cling with and cry in front of. But she's not that person, not that kind of person. Because that person left, and their ghost is still here, frowning upon my actions and proverbially smacking my knuckles with a yard stick whenever I make a mistake in a theory or a thought. So I fell asleep thinking about how alone I am going to be, and my dreams left me nothing but the thought of glass cake and fish in a river.
I only wanted Chris to be that person because you refused to be it for me. I didn't mean to cause you anything harmful.
I've gone insane and he'd never want me back. Ever. Because I'm not what he wants me to be, which is what he said he didn't want me to be in the first place. *bites the inside of her lip* I'm so far in the deep end, how could anyone be that for me. I refuse everyone, no one's good enough, no one's right enough.
You gave up. You just gave up.
You didn't even send me anything. You made me feel guilty about not getting you anything for Christmas, so I bought you the manga for your birthday, and later you came to me and complained about her reaction to you not getting her anything for some special occasion. Why do I remember all of this? Why doesn't it leave?
*hangs her head*
I was, am, will always be nothing. And no one will be anything to me.
(My ceiling right now.)
And the first one tore a picture
Of a dead and hanging man
Who was kissing foreign fishes
That flew right out from his hands
And when I put my arms around him
Felt the blushing blood run through my cheeks
And an eerieness surrounded
When his tongue began to speak
And he said, "Oh, boy, you are so pretty.
Enough to wrap tight in rice-paper string."
And when I finally kissed him
The whole world began to ring
Lost like a bell that's tipping over
With two cracks along both sides
And I knew the world was over
So I took a look outside
And watched the fires that were reaching
Up to the weather vanes and the tops of trees
And the waiting scene and the Sunday dream
They're all waiting here for me
Leah went through some weird shit and just popped up online after three and a half months with a story I could barely believe. So now she has endometriosis, an ex boyfriend, barely a hundred dollars, and a plane ticket to Connecticut dated two weeks from now.
Lex is going to get herself into another fight tomorrow. Isn't there a button you can press when someone's doing something stupid? -_- She's also not cheating on me anymore; her and Michel broke up again for the last time. Not like I care. What purpose do girlfriends serve anyway? None I'd like to think.
Deli markets with their flower stands
And pretty girls and their burning men
Hanging out on the hooks
Next to the window displays
And I took out my tongue
Twice removed from my face
Across a bridge and across the mountains
Threw a nickel in the fountain
To save my soul from all these troubled times
And all the drugs that I don't have
The guts to take to soothe my mind
So I'm always sober
Always aching
Always heading towards
Mass suicide, occult figurines
And wasted gas-station attendants
Attending to their jobs
And a nice drive in the country
Finds a nice cliff to drop off
Oh, when this life just gets so grating
All the grittiness of life
But don't take those pills your boyfriend gave you
You're too wonderful to die
The first will be the volcano, because I can't get that orange out of my mind. (Valencia orange? Fruit soda.) There will be stick people and fish in the Caribbean Sea. Song lyrics and little swirls of green when I can't think of anything else to draw. I'll have Neutral Milk Hotel's Song Against Sex playing loud out my screenless window, because it reminds me of how insane and falling down Robbie and I were together. I'll draw right to the edges and my mother will have to drive in the other side of the circle driveway because my work for the day will be in the way. That'll be tomorrow though. Today, I paint on my walls.
And the last one tore a picture
From the pornographic page
And all the pleasure points attacking
All the looks of love were staged
And it's a lie that you've been given
That just hurts you every day
So why should I lay here naked
When it's just too far away
From anything we could call loving
Any love worth living for
So I'll sleep out in the gutter
You can sleep here on the floor
And when I wake up in the morning
I won't forget to lock the door
Cause with a match that's mean and some gasoline
You won't see me anymore
Chris: wb.
Sawa: thx.
Chris: np.
Sawa: vwls r vrrtd.
Chris: So true, but I don't feel above using them.
Someone actually understood for once.
Pritty update.
Sawa: thx.
Chris: np.
Sawa: vwls r vrrtd.
Chris: So true, but I don't feel above using them.
Someone actually understood for once.
Pritty update.
4.14.2003
Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun's just gonna drop if it’s night you demand
Well in the dark we are just air, so the halves might dissolve
But once we're gone, who's gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well summer's gonna come, it’s gonna cloud our eyes again
No need to focus when there's nothing that's worth seeing
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales
I think you lost what you loved in that mass of details
They seemed so important at the time, but now you can’t even recall
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it's more the feeling of it all
Well winter's gonna end, i’m gonna clean these veins again
So close to dying that I finally can start living
The more you say something, the less true it is.
Mandy, come take me away.
Like the sun's just gonna drop if it’s night you demand
Well in the dark we are just air, so the halves might dissolve
But once we're gone, who's gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well summer's gonna come, it’s gonna cloud our eyes again
No need to focus when there's nothing that's worth seeing
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales
I think you lost what you loved in that mass of details
They seemed so important at the time, but now you can’t even recall
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it's more the feeling of it all
Well winter's gonna end, i’m gonna clean these veins again
So close to dying that I finally can start living
The more you say something, the less true it is.
Mandy, come take me away.
EEEEEEEAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH.
It's done. After a forced month of concept time, and planning and power coding, it's done.
*collapses*
Came to me yesterday
And you were feeling small
And you come to me and say
No one seems to like your style at all
And you'll be back tomorrow
When you've had it up to here
"You don't hold anything sacred."
"You don't hold anything sacred."
"You don't hold anything sacred."
Over and over inside my head.
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
If you only knew.
(Aya, I fixed my bracelet with electrical tape. We match again now.)
It's done. After a forced month of concept time, and planning and power coding, it's done.
*collapses*
Came to me yesterday
And you were feeling small
And you come to me and say
No one seems to like your style at all
And you'll be back tomorrow
When you've had it up to here
"You don't hold anything sacred."
"You don't hold anything sacred."
"You don't hold anything sacred."
Over and over inside my head.
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
If you only knew.
(Aya, I fixed my bracelet with electrical tape. We match again now.)
4.13.2003
You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat fear in your readers. You love to poke their brains with logic dealing with the darker side of the human mind and character. Truly surprising and a true individual, you'll do ANYTHING to create a scene.
What's YOUR Writing Style?
Price quotes fell through; someone got their friend to do it for them for free and didn't let me know, just dropped the ball. I fucking hate it when people do that. Speaking of people and dropping balls, why did you leave me? My question went unanswered last night. I screamed it enough times, I figured you'd hear. Guess not.
"Solid advice from Mr. Halcon, my computer-apps teacher who's engaged to be married this month: Don't ever get married. Don't ever live with someone. Just get out before they wake up."
"And if I happen to think for a second, 'wow I've finally found someone that cares for me,' I'll spend the night in their arms and shoot myself the next day."
it's always night and there is no moon
Fourth time this month that it's hailed. Sunny and hailing. *singsong voice* Winter's mocking meeee.
Got me some Bright Eyes and Helium and Neutral Milk Hotel. The Neutral Milk Hotel songs Robbie listens to, and how it kills me inside. Bright Eyes, though... I found something out I hadn't known. Conor used to work with Todd Baechle, who created The Faint, the opening band for No Doubt at their concert at The Paramount I went to early last year, the band that I would've liked more had I been able to hear them at half the decibles. Conor and Todd and a bunch of other people got their start in high school with Commander Venus, which is what I'm listening to right now. (It's amazing what you can find with KaZaA and Soulseek.) Commander Venus spawned Bright Eyes (which really isn't anything static at all) and The Faint and Cursive. I am listening to something infinitely better and more important than any of that shit you kids are playing on the radio. You can hear Conor in every word of these songs, especially "Do You Feel At Home". These are his lyrics from high school. It makes me feel like maybe something good will come out of my writing.
Ooooooh, the dreams I had. A huge volcano on the edge of the water, throwing bright orange up and all over everything around it. Killing everything with heat. Creeping out into the ocean. It made everything wither. It pulled on me, but I avoided it. I stared at it from behind windows. It was new, something I'd never seen before. And for the first time I do not know what my dream means. I have it narrowed down, but I cannot and will never be able to pinpoint it, so instead I will paint it.
Right now, in fact.
"Solid advice from Mr. Halcon, my computer-apps teacher who's engaged to be married this month: Don't ever get married. Don't ever live with someone. Just get out before they wake up."
"And if I happen to think for a second, 'wow I've finally found someone that cares for me,' I'll spend the night in their arms and shoot myself the next day."
it's always night and there is no moon
Fourth time this month that it's hailed. Sunny and hailing. *singsong voice* Winter's mocking meeee.
Got me some Bright Eyes and Helium and Neutral Milk Hotel. The Neutral Milk Hotel songs Robbie listens to, and how it kills me inside. Bright Eyes, though... I found something out I hadn't known. Conor used to work with Todd Baechle, who created The Faint, the opening band for No Doubt at their concert at The Paramount I went to early last year, the band that I would've liked more had I been able to hear them at half the decibles. Conor and Todd and a bunch of other people got their start in high school with Commander Venus, which is what I'm listening to right now. (It's amazing what you can find with KaZaA and Soulseek.) Commander Venus spawned Bright Eyes (which really isn't anything static at all) and The Faint and Cursive. I am listening to something infinitely better and more important than any of that shit you kids are playing on the radio. You can hear Conor in every word of these songs, especially "Do You Feel At Home". These are his lyrics from high school. It makes me feel like maybe something good will come out of my writing.
Ooooooh, the dreams I had. A huge volcano on the edge of the water, throwing bright orange up and all over everything around it. Killing everything with heat. Creeping out into the ocean. It made everything wither. It pulled on me, but I avoided it. I stared at it from behind windows. It was new, something I'd never seen before. And for the first time I do not know what my dream means. I have it narrowed down, but I cannot and will never be able to pinpoint it, so instead I will paint it.
Right now, in fact.
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