Holy fucking shit, guys.

:O

Cornelius: your boyfriend was looking for you earlier
Sawa: so i hear. at least i know that someone will care if i die
Cornelius: what's all this then
Sawa: net was down and he freaked out
Cornelius: haha. some people
Sawa: yeah
Cornelius: bad day or just busy
Sawa: both, hah
Cornelius: leave you to dangle then
Sawa: thanks. damn you, novel. damn you
Cornelius: now now, who's fault is it. the book or the author
Sawa: author~ :D
Cornelius: there, now stop talking to boys on the internet and buckle down like a bondage queen.
Sawa: *tips hat*
Cornelius: I worry my weekend is just going to be me smoking pot and listening to frank zappa for 3 days.
Sawa: i worry someday no one will understand me.
Cornelius: No one really understands anybody. So instead, don't worry about understandings or the misunderstandings.
Sawa: i've got nothing done in the way of writing, and you've given me a small boost, so excuse me while i run with it.
Cornelius: k
Sawa: well, actually, one small thing. what size shirt do you wear?
Cornelius: it ranges. right now I'm wearing a medium
Sawa: would a small be the right kind of encouragement?
Cornelius: I don't follow
Sawa: you said you were thinking about losing weight
Cornelius: I think that was spur the moment, like most of my life
Sawa: alright. medium it is.
Cornelius: Why shirt size? does that make an appearance in the story or are you building some sort of crude dummy of me?
Sawa: everyone needs a christmas present.
Cornelius: oh, double wrong for me
Sawa: you'll like it. promise.
Cornelius: I'd much rather go for eggnog and coffee in victoria for christmas/general timezone
Sawa: you know, me too. and i just wanted to make sure that you got this, considering it's perfect for you. i'll hand deliver it, how about that.
Cornelius: beautiful.
Sawa: and now i write. don't worry too much about the future.
Cornelius: I'm not worried about the future so much as I'm worried about my future. write.
---
Cornelius: I'm becoming a small medium between you and your boyfriend.
Sawa: i don't like that. i never wanted you to even speak with him.
Cornelius: sort of a myfriendyourfriend thing
Sawa: i knew how you don't like boyfriends. this has happened before, kind of. i tried to stop it. ._.
Cornelius: I don't care honestly, he's your boyfriend
Sawa: i know, but he treats everyone i know so poorly, especially when i show interest in them.
Cornelius: well I don't take it personally. did you watch that kid606 video I linked you to a bit back?
Sawa: i'm pretty sure i did. i watch every link you send. the music video, right?
Cornelius: yeah, with the cat and the laptop. that's been my achilles heel lately. just watching that constantly.
Sawa: i just write and work. and drink coffee.
Cornelius: I've been a bit of a tea junkie lately.
Sawa: the one thing i'm going to start drinking as i do every winter is hot cider. i just don't have any money on me and my family doesn't buy it.
Cornelius: dilemma city.
Sawa: i'll have my debit/checking/atm card early this next week. i hope. then i'll be able to.
Cornelius: heh
Sawa: cards? i don't even know what they do. goddd.. candy canes.... *devours one*
Cornelius: haha
Sawa: generic christmasy foods are some of the best.
Cornelius: watching girls eat candy canes is unwanted sexually suggestive gesture land.
Sawa: and here i am, forever sexually suggestive without noticing.
Cornelius: everyone is. I'm sure my getting up in the morning and grabbing my crotch is turning on some portugese lady thousands of miles away. unknowingly.
Sawa: or the fact that i sleep naked. must release some sort of strange pheremone into the air.
Cornelius: well rest assured that I'm not fawning over you in any way.
Sawa: i'm not worried anymore, really. in fact, am glad that you're one of the very few to say it and mean it.
Cornelius: I'd be. I don't take compliments very well at all.
Sawa: i've noticed somewhat. :)
Cornelius: yeah. whenever I hear someone compliment anything I do or myself in general. In my head it sounds forced and insincere, just something someone says because they feel they have to or some stupid shit. like when you compliment a fat guy on a diet to encourage him.
Sawa: i don't do anything unless i want to. i guess you'd only know that if we lived close together.
Cornelius: probably. then again, I think if we lived close together, one of us would have raped each other a long time ago.
Sawa: yeah, that too. lol. so tempting. :\ foolish bodies. even worse, foolish minds.
Cornelius: times like recently that I'm really glad I'm still pure in a sense.
Sawa: i've felt so tainted. i think it was when my novel brought up anal sex and i automatically jumped to the conclusion that since i haven't had it, i need to in order to write that part well.
Cornelius: gravity can take you to a point lower than imaginable. be thankful you are where you are.
Sawa: i'm trying. and deciding on holding off on the anal indefinitely because i'm still extremely shy about physical anything.
Cornelius: well save the sails for when you're ready to take that voyage.
Sawa: pack them away for another day, another time.
Cornelius: precisely. just whittle in the meantime, wait for something to surface
Sawa: i like this sort of waiting. the waiting for something unknown.
Cornelius: I've been waiting for 12 years.
Sawa: i'll always be waiting in a way. whatever it is, i'm ready.
Cornelius: best to brace up. shit, need to go collapse in bed. keep your nose clean, cowboy.

even when you’re feeling warm
the temperature could drop away
like four seasons in one day

smiling as the shit comes down
you can tell a man from what he has to say
everything gets turned around
and i will risk my neck again, again

And here the situation still sits, not purged or even touched upon besides a lone fact.

Damn you, Chris.

So tired. No one let me sleep and I didn't even get to Stage 3. Fail.

"Dye my hair."
"Why didn't you call me?"
"Here's your mail."
"When are you working?"

Who cares? Sleep was so precious, so necessary, and here I am going without because everyone else would have it so.

Actually I'm just whining. I could be sleeping right now but I don't feel like it.

At least I can admit it. *rolls eyes at other persons*

My PIN changed. It's no longer fun in a sexually suggestive way.

I spent 500 dollars last month. I'm at a loss of words.

lover's in love and the other's run away
lover is crying cause the other won't stay
and some of us hover when we weep for the other
who was dying since the day they were born

I step away from him and reach for someone else, and the one person that would understand what I'm talking about is gone.

GONE.

Chris, so help me God, if you aren't back by Sunday, I'm flying down to see you home myself.

When did I get so ugly?

you make me come
you make me complete
you make me completely miserable

I'm still a child. This is okay with me.

It feels strange to type the first few words, and I'm always scared of what I might find inside myself.

He closes in again, I pull further away. He erects walls to hold me in, I fly above them. He ties me down, I slip free.

I understand I am your life, and you are mine, but we both still have lives to live.

We are young for a short time, alive only once. Let me go and I'll come back. I promise.

http://www.ipodsdirtysecret.com

2600 words last night, kids. She's back on track.



Good morning, by the way. Or afternoon. I slept through my Ancient Philosophy class, and don't look so great, but it's all good. I have nothing better to do than take a small break, talk to you nice people for a moment and then scurry off to drop things off and get things signed. And buy more things.

I bought stuff last night. I like my stuff. You only get pictures of two of them.







The perks of being a sell-out.

obscurite
infinite
immensite
je sens l'energie du soleil noir
le soleil noir
le soleil noir

Want to draw. Have to write.

Refrain.

shut up
just shut up
shut up

Too much. Too much. Too much. My writing suffers. I wither. I wait for word on three pieces of writing, all my time sucked dry by things initiated with lost intentions. I wish I could kill myself, end everything. The waiting. It kills me.

I hurt him, and I need to die for it.

I can't do this.

I'm shutting myself up until this is done.

wake from your sleep
the drying of your tears
today we escape
we escape

pack and get dressed
before your father hears us
before all hell
breaks loose

breathe
keep breathing
don’t lose your nerve
breathe
keep breathing
i can’t do this alone

sing us a song
a song to keep us warm
there’s such a chill
such a chill

There is a story lodged in my brain.

A bullet of an idea, with characters to tear a soul apart.

And it has nothing to do with my novel.

you can laugh
a spineless laugh
we hope that your rules
and wisdom choke you
now we are one
in everlasting peace

we hope that you choke
that you choke
we hope that you choke
that you choke
we hope that you choke
that you choke

Little rocks against her window, like they did when their unwitting parents were their age. Loud enough to wake her, but she'd been up all night, pacing and kneeling briefly next to her window. Dawn was creeping through the streets on hands and knees, searching them out with blue fingers and seeking to reveal them but they planned on beating the sun to safety.

He was waiting below on the sidewalk. One wheel of his car was on the curb, hastily parked, engine idling. She had been crying despite herself, afraid of the implications of their plan and whether it would go on unfettered or be killed before it got off the ground. Her bag was packed already - she grabbed it from the floor and stole down the staircase as fast as she dared. They met at the front door.

No words passed between them, just quiet smiles and a brief, warm touch as he helped her into his car. He pulled off the curb and back onto the street again, with as much care as he would hold a wounded bird. Neighbors at this hour were easily roused; light poured into the shadows of rooms and quickly turned gray. The need to be careful was greater than it had ever been.

Both sets of parents vehemently disapproved of them together. It was unthinkable that such a random pairing of two people could set such emotions off, but it happened, and the product was their decision the previous day to leave and never come back. They claimed their voices again and spoke to each other softly, always touching and smiling, pounding hearts loud in their chests and blood turned hot with adrenalin. Neither had ever known such a thrill.

She spoke of her pleasure at flinging their pasts far behind them and rolled her window down. He took a corner hard on purpose. They both laughed together. Houses that all looked the same as they rushed past. A melting butter sunrise. Hands intertwined. He looked over at her to catch a glimpse of her beautifully bright eyes. The fever pitch of the climax. An overlooked turn and the tree in front of them.

She didn't understand; it happened too fast and it hurt inside to look away from him. The rising sun's light had turned a garish red. It stung her eyes. She couldn't move the hand he held to wipe it from her face. Something warm dripped from her chin. He strained to look around. Shredded metal. A hail of broken glass that had fallen into his lap. Her hair matted together and wet. His head swam violently, making him struggle to keep his eyes open. An attempt to speak; he only coughed. Her breathing that had been so desperate at first now drifted away until he could no longer hear it. The tightness of tears gripped his throat. He closed his eyes and gave in to the pain tugging at his insides.

*glances out window through the cracks of her blinds*

Mer. Raining.

...That's too white to be rain.

*opens blinds*

:O

It's...

...snowing.

*runs outside, abandoning post*

Petrified that his family is going to say, "She's not good enough," after meeting me the weekend after Christmas(?).

The bad dreams haven't stopped for months now. There isn't even a break consisting of non-dreaming. It's all just one big string of nightmares that blur into each other. Tonight's (first) was being lost in the woods at night, in a strange negative of the real world. Stumbling around through thick snow, banging on windows and doors and screaming to be let in but no one's home and the ominous growl of dogs behind thin wire fences keeps me from staying long enough to break in. I can't feel anything. I don't know where I am. I find what looks like a house I should recognize and bang on a sliding glass door. I'm hysterical, shouting and crying. My stepfather and brother open it, give me disgusted looks. I can't feel it but I know it's warm inside and where I should be but they keep me out in the snow.

They don't phase me much anymore. Too many, I've gotten used to being terrorized and tortured at night. I wake up, fearing the next night of sleep but knowing it comes regardless. Body over mind for once, I fall and fall and where I land is always ugly and full of pain. I never sleep for long, always waking up in a panic, wide eyes up along the edges of the walls and then it's back down again. REM waves being so close to waking waves doesn't help; it only takes that extra little push of hallucination to frighten me into reality. I go back to sleep quicker if I'm with Josiah. He's safe. So safe.

He also doesn't mind me drooling all over him when I hit stages 3/4 and I have no control over anything. :D

Reminders for all: I work Friday from 4 to 8, Saturday from 6:30 to 3:30, Sunday from 10 to 6, Monday from 5 to 9. (I got first pick of times, which ended up being whatever Jeff wanted since I have nothing better to do just give me the god damn hours and my paycheck, thank you. This attitude caused him to call me his favorite so far. Hah.)

Sweet dreams, kids.

Xanie: oh fuck

Jordan: oh dear

Missa: O_O *lights some candles* *burns some incense* *rubs teh Buddah's tummah*

So I told my mother about Josiah.

Not everything, exactly. I DID tell her that I'd been lying nearly all the time. And that he lives in Seattle, and that he has no car. She wants him to come over for Thanksgiving, which will be some sort of "everyone gets to meet the man who's nailing my daughter" event.

Too much stress. Especially on him. Erk. D:

just hold your tongue
don't be so quick to curse them
there's a hidden beauty finding
it's way out of everyone
will you come true for me?
come by sometime when i'm awake?
everyone else just lies to me
they say you're a dream
will you step into the light from the screen
so that i can make out your shape?
you don't need to tell me anything
because i know what you mean

If you don't understand what's going on, don't bother asking.

I brought up the incompatibility of Josiah and I to hint at me being inevitably unable to reach orgasm during sex or what have you because of the simple nature of what we were doing and what he likes doing. Of course, all this was completely turned around by what happened earlier this night. Not only did he put my fears to rest, but he went and spent money to make me happy. While I don't condone it ever, it was his surprise for me and I appreciate it.

Everything went amazingly well, though I find my pain tolerance lacking ever since my brother left to live with our father. Something to work on.

There was a section of The Butterfly Revolution that mentioned the main character experimenting with pain in order to better understand it. He found that if he pricked himself with a safety pin and focused on the pain and not the action, it didn't feel so bad. He went on to burning himself with matches, and found that when he focused on that pain as well, it was the same as the small pain of the pin prick. When his father beat him soon after this was mentioned, he focused on the pain, found it to be not much at all, and openly defied his father.

Josiah mentioned something about experimenting with heat and having developed some sort of resistance. Well, my resistance lies in cold. I prefer it, I enjoy it. Heat is an ugly thing to me. It destroys, it transforms. Cold preserves. I delight in it. Josiah took a candle and poured hot wax over me, and rightly so. I'm overjoyed that he put everything together and even went so far as to do something that I had wanted to do in the first place: Work on my heat resistance now that my cold resistance was up to a satisfactory level. I remembered it being painful after the first few times before this night, but the added anticipation made it worse, and focus as I did, the burn in places that had already been burned hurt worse than I could withhold vocally. This was fine. Now that I know what it's like I can work past it.

I always love the biting. Jesus Christ, do I love the biting. I want to bleed for him, in multiple places even, but my pain resistances are once again a bit low.

Totally wasn't expecting any of this. The bonds were perfect. The technique was perfect, his luring me to the bed and then revealing them one at a time. The vibrator I REALLY hadn't expected, but got over the strange feeling of cold inside me very quickly. The only thing that I found myself :\ing at was when he untied me at the end and let me get myself off. This is all well and good, but weren't we supposed to work on you getting me off? It wasn't so hard with the vibrator. This was like so many other times, and I dislike being untied until the very end. Then again, I'm sure he didn't want to ruin the evening in any way, so I can understand why he did what he did.

To be honest, I was expecting lube, being tied down and then the novel research we'd talked about. When he tied me down to the bed, I figured he was going to fuck me and get himself off that way (which, in going along with the I'm here so he can use me to please him bit, I would've liked just as much; the focus in those sorts of situations isn't normally to please just one person), but I'd forgotten what we'd talked about with the condoms and all. Since this night completely came out of left field, I enjoyed it that much more.

And omg the hair... The haaaaair... @_@ *raperaperape*

I vote Josiah best boyfriend evar.

(30k words, bitches.)

*passes out*

Also: I got an A on my midterm in Logic. I have $15000 more dollars for college thanks to inheritance. I have a new bra. My parents gave me a computer. I have new hair clippies. I have a new button. I have 27000 words. Aya's doing great.

Everything's going well. :o

"there's this girl in my PE class that i find attractive; her name is rill or something to that effect, and she has black hair she always wears in pigtails, black eyeliner around her pretty eyes, & shiny silver peircings all over: tongue, nose, & industrial, stretching in her ears. she's such a girl and it's kind of cute. she jumps away from the volleyball and complains a lot. i just want to run my fingers through her dark hair and tell her she's fucking hot. she reminds me of sawa in a way & i don't know what that means, or if that explains the attraction."

Those were the days.

"hrmm. funny that the life of the boy royally fucks me up (how the hell?), but the kittengirl is easy to understand. friendly, almost
(you were always my weakness, no?)"

Of course, Missy.

no change
i can change
i can change
i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
and i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold

I lied a bit, actually. If I may correct myself: You're not completely like Jade. Jade is a failure through her own ignorance and will continue to be one, perhaps for life.

At least you have some potential. At least you sit down and think about what the hell you're doing and make corrections instead of covering up mistakes with more of them.

(Jade, dearest, how does France find you?)

My brother has a girlfriend. I have a flat tire.

Works for me.

(18519 words, bitches.)

Negative.

*begins breathing again*

Home pregnancy test ahoy.

Results in t minus three minutes and counting.

Nervous times a million trillion zillion.

"You must answer my questions for the precious!" hissed Denthar. "What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees, up up it goes, and yet never grows?"
"I'll handle this," said Spock stepping forward. "Mountains. The answer is mountains."
"Yes, curses!" hissed Denthar. "But you must answer another one! Thirty white horses on a red hill..."
But Denthar was interrupted by the impatient Spock.
"Teeth, wind, sun on daisies," he said, counting off each answer on his fingers, "darkness, eggs, fish, time, and the One Ring of Power."
There was silence. Everyone looked at Spock.
"You idiot," said Generic. "You've just shat on our word count."

Do the future a favor.

Kill your families and sterlize yourselves.

http://www.petitiononline.com/mrphelps/petition.html

i just love to see you smile

Me: josiah and i are going to kill my parents and run away into the sunset.
Lael: yay!

Mm, Jones vanilla cola and hohos for breakfast. :3

*taktaktak*

7908 words and still going strong, bitches.

I'mma do it this year.

I also seem to be able to stay up forever. This doesn't suit my plans though, so now for some fixing.

*seppuku*

we never change, do we
we never learn, do we

Leave me alone.

Cornelius: Do you have a gun you'd care to loan me?
Sawa: if i had a gun, i'd already be dead, dear.
Cornelius: I need to find one, sooner the better.
Sawa: i'll see what i can do.
Cornelius: Bless you.

[/cheap obligatory post]