(Not mine.)

It Didn't Rain

One: Time out. Hold on. We're moving too fast. I didn't expect you to get the whole grasp.
Two: Keep looking. To the bottom. There's more meaning to all this than we thought of.
One: But you found more meaning than I could hide. You saw too much when you looked in my eyes.
Two: I'll tell you what I really think. I'm swimming in all this blue; I can't breath and I'm beginning to sink.
One: Well fuck that. I care but it's not like it's different. You won't hear my words. I beg you to listen.
Two: It's not a relationship, it's a disease. I have everything I don't even need.
One: Another lie. You need me! I complete you and I'm all you'll see.
Two: No, it's not a disease, it's a fucking virus. Killing my arms and not letting me feel happiness.
One: We aren't happy together and that's just it. That's why we are one and should keep this.
Two: It's like all the nightmares and all the deaths. Like black and white and white and black, we just won't mesh.
One: What are you saying, you're giving up? You're not saying. You're lying in love.
Two: Lying? I'm fucking sunk in this love. I thought this would make me high, or feel above. But I was wrong, and you failed. It didn't rain our love, it fucking hailed.

Jade: -throws confetties-
Sawa: EEEEEEE!!
Jade: AHAHAHAHAHAHA. YAY
Sawa: *parades around*
---
Jade: -laughs- Jeesus, good job Sawies.
Sawa: Eeeeee. :3
Jade: -jumps around- Wheet.
Sawa: w00t. *swings her legs back and forth in her chair*'
Jade: Phhht. If the convention wasn't this weekend I'd just run away to your house. It's fun over there. I'm pretty sure my stupid mudder won't let me go anyway, to Cabreenie's house on Friday.
Sawa: ....Your mother wouldn't have to know that there's a convention going on :x
Jade: No, no, it's just a lot of shit to get her to take me to the hotel. And I'm pretty sure she might make me go to CHURCH, for Chrissakes.
Sawa: When I start making money off my publications, I'm going to BUY YOU A NEW MOMMIE.
---
Sawa: my bangs feel weird, like some hairy thing is reaching over the top of of my head.
Jade: -laughs- That's...an interesting way to put it..
Sawa: i haven't had bangs since, like, second grade.
Jade: I know the feeling, mah friend.
Sawa: *plays with dem* GAAAAHH
Jade: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ...You won't have Amelie at your house next weekend, will you?
Sawa: yes. *leaves her comment*
Jade: ..Is that a "Yes, we will," or "Yes, we won't?"
Sawa: it's a yes we will.
Jade: Then I can go over dere the next week, mebbe. :D
Sawa: yes you come over and cure my boredom with your voodoo magick.
Jade: ..Voodoo magick? o.O What?
Sawa: i don't know.
Jade: -blinks confusedly- Whe. ...Never get tired of "Drive." EVER.
Sawa: blearg
Jade: -sings- For some reason, this song reminds me of you. You have to remind me to serenade you one day. I'm serious. For all the shit I do to you most of the time. -snirk-
Sawa: okay. :D i like the snirk better than the smirk.
Jade: Why? Because it's not as mean? -laughs-
Sawa: cause it sounds funny. it sounds like the noise you make when you accidentaly inhale air while you're eating.
Jade: XD
---
Jade: OMG KYLE'S SO CUTE. Just stating the obvious. X3 -found a drawing he made for her-
Sawa: lol
Jade: The boy makes me laugh every five seconds. Like yoo. LAIN PICTURE AGH -shake the Sawa by the shoulders-
Sawa: I'LL PRINT IT IF YOO FINISH TEH GODODD PICTURE FOR RESCUE.
Jade: I CAN'T DO SUNRISES HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAEV TO SAE IT -cries-
Sawa: THEY'RE EASY >.<
Jade: ...I think I might do it over. I don't like the first attempt. The idea you have it good, but is it all right if I have a picture of the girl from the main character's POV? She'll be lying on the bed, dead.
Sawa: okay
Jade: Thank God. That's SO much easier...
Sawa: it's a joint effort after all.
Jade: -nodnodnod-
Sawa: i need to make a bio to go along with my publication.
Jade: Oooooh. :D
Sawa: ....i can hardly think of anything.
Jade: Eek.
Sawa: "Adrienne Hunter lives in and is trying to get out of Auburn, Washington, who can be seen lurking around the pacific northwest's Sakura Con every year, camera in hand. She makes a mean Shirley Temple and never answers the phone. When she gets around to growing up, she wants to write for a living."
Jade: -laughs- I think it's good--the tone suits the story that's getting published.
Sawa: php cha cha.
Jade: LOL XD
Sawa: *grabs jade and tangos*
Jade: -XD -tangoes-!!!
Sawa: LOL. ba dum bum bum... CHA CHA CHA.
Jade: -puts on Calendar Hung Itself- We're going to learn to Cha-Cha to this. Or do the Flamenco, or SOMETHING.
Sawa: YES


Me: ...Hello?
Guy with British Accent: Blah blah something about Steve's truck or some such.
Me: ...*swoooooon* Um... He's not here.
Guy: When would be a suitable time to reach him?
Me: *still swooning and giddy on the inside* Uhh... Two hours.. or so... *gets light headed*
Guy: Alright then, thank you for your time.
Me: *hangs up and passes out cold*

GUESS WHO'S GETTING PUBLISHED. AGAIN.

*pinpon* You guessed right. XD *rolls around on the floor laughing*

Another comment for Rescue: "Another great story. There's so much talent here, there should be a book of it. It'd be on the best seller list. Believe me."

Sean: What can I do for you, Sawa?
Adrienne: Nothing. I am leaving right after my CD finishes burning. You should be in bed.
Sean: Leaving...where? Bed? Me? Why?
Adrienne: Because it's late.
Sean: So...? I'm on Spring Break.
Adrienne: Oh.
Sean: What's YOUR excuse?
Adrienne: Fuck you then.
Sean: Mhm.
Adrienne: I'M BURNING A CD. If you hadn't caught that. And then I'm going to bed.
Sean: That's an excuse to stay up late now?
Adrienne: Yes.
Sean: And what will -I- do when YOU leave? Hm?
Adrienne: Go to sleep.
Sean: No.
Adrienne: Then do what you like, I'm not your mommy.
Sean: How SELFISH of you. ...Don't respond to that. Anyway, what are you burning?
Adrienne: A CD.
Sean: No kidding. With what content?
Adrienne: Music.
Sean: Music performed by which artist by the name of WHAT title?
Adrienne: All sorts of artists and titles.
Sean: --Sighs-- I feel like I want to punch you. For example?
Adrienne: Oh, that sound's my cue to leave.
Sean: --Simply drops dead--
Adrienne: I will see you later, Mr. I'm Too Cool For Sleep. :D
Sean: Feh. FEH ON YOU, SAWA!

Etta James crooning strong. Makes me think of the sick end to my movie where all the sound from the scenes are blocked out, and there are police and police cars everywhere. A bloody body on the roof and two more coming down fast to shake hands with the concrete, one clinging with a deathgrip to the other, and the only sound is Etta singing At Last sweet and slow. They'd hit with a resounding smack, and everyone would cringe, and then Etta would sing the last line, "For you are mine at last," as the camera zooms away from the faces of policepeople grimacing and turning their heads in toward the two entwined in gore and protruding bone on the ground.

I am still so pissed off. Can you tell? Laugh. It's funny.

All of tonight's going to be spent in that second-floor room on the right nailing heavy steel wings to his back. They'll look nice with the screws.

(Sometimes I wonder why the hell he ever wanted me in the first place; I'm so immaculately fucked up.)

Chris: where do you want to go?
Sawa: the desert.
Chris: the desert... why?
Sawa: the sand.
Chris: mm..
Sawa: i'd make sand angels and draw halos on them with my finger.
Chris: sounds nice.

I found this printed out and on my floor. I posted it here on August 12th, 2002:

*voice falls to a quiet whisper, everything pronounced clearly and not rushed together like usual* These... journals... *eyes flick around the room and finally settle on the wall across from her* aren't me. They're what I want him to see. Josiah asked for my real self, asked me to be open, asked me to trust him, asked for things that he himself can't fully give me in return. And who are we kidding ourselves, we'd have to be out of our fucking heads to fully surrender to the surreal fantasy we've built up. We still have our feet on the ground. We have, to use a succulent metaphor, the personal back doors built into the programming code of the relationship.

*licks her lips and smiles a bit* I've seen all of this from day one. I've seen how he struggles with it like I do, trying to decide whether finally, something might be secure enough to give in to, and everytime the security is compromised, we retreat right back into the same excuse. We say it was just a joke, we were just playing along, it was all a game, we were never weak and the other was never able to hurt us. We've gotten tastes of it, samples both attracting and driving us away from the complete product. We want something we can't and won't let ourselves have. This is how it will be forever. We will never be able to give in. It's too much to ask. We're much too selfish. He knows as well as I do that our current positions are choices. We choose to be here, to stay here, in the worlds we create, trying to reassure ourselves of something certain, be it that the other isn't worth the time, or that everything we could ever give is worth them. The pain is real. The love is real, to some degree. We sit here, galaxies away from each other, on the fence, trying to pick a side, trying to get everything to fit together right, trying to make some part of the puzzle come together so the rest will be easier to complete. It's hard putting a puzzle together when the pieces keep changing shape.

This meeting will make or break the puzzle, for me. Everything in my view is balanced on the thin edge of this blade.

If this does indeed break, and if the puzzle falls to pieces, I disappear. I will drown myself in writing, and music, and soda. I will let my grades atrophy. I will go where and when I want. Like the Lisbon household, the outer shell will immediately stop functioning. The shell that you all see will fall away, shrivel and die in the lack of upkeep, because the only reason it's there is to misdirect those around me, and if I lose him, this only shred of temporary hope in the dismal hole I'm letting myself sink into, the shell no longer has purpose. I will show my raw self. Anti-social, bitter, cynical without respite, and always holding the truth deep in my heart of hearts. Estranged and eternally lost, I'll let the bleak hedonism set in stone, and through this, I will die, hard and fast.

You all now understand why my apprehension about this meeting is so high.

If, however, the pieces fit, and I can begin building something around and upon this first part of completed puzzle, then... we will see. Having planned for the downfall, I go to create the blue prints, but there is nothing clear about the possible good, and as long as I can't see sharply what's to come in that respect, I won't plan for it. All I know is, this event, whose feelings I have for I cannot liken to anything I've ever felt, is the single most important point of my life thus far. I can almost feel myself break with this simple task of waiting.

Ah, well... here goes nothing.

---

Whatever happened to your Eurotechno and your 50's slang?

You sent me that song, that song made me call you for the first time ever right after I had moved again and lost everything again and was so lost deep down inside like now. You wanted me so badly and you got me AND THERE YOU WENT RUNNING AWAY LIKE ME.

WHY. WHY YOU. WHY DID SHE FUCKING HAVE TO DO THAT JESUS CHRIST I WISH I WOULD DIE. YOU CHOSE, DIDN'T YOU. FUCKER. FUCKING LIAR. I HATE YOU. I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH. You promised. YOU PROMISED.

You didn't really choose her. You don't love any of us, no one, not now, not ever anyone. You're leaving her to live. Wasn't love supposed to be stronger than that? WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO STAY LIKE YOU PROMISED YOU FUCKING LIAR?

I hope you have to physically pry her off of you when you leave her. I HOPE SHE GETS HER TEARS ON YOUR HANDS. I hope there's a Hell we can rot in together. I hope they flay your back to shreds. I hope your screams break my eardrums.

Quand je suis roi vous serez premier contre le mur, avec votre avis qui est sans importance du tout.

J'ai une imagination capricieuse comme la nuit.

I'll die in here just to be safe

Sawa: god damn i want to get out of this town.
Mandy: me too. or maybe i just want to get out of myself
Sawa: that'd be nice to get out of our skin for awhile.
Mandy: indeed.
Sawa: i bet the wind feels entirely different. i think i'd roll in the grass.
Mandy: id swim. or run around in the rain.
Sawa: dry off in the sun.
Mandy: yes.
Sawa: it's been abnormally warm here lately. 76 degrees and it's not even april.
Mandy: god i hate feeling like i always seem to feel. it got fucking cold here tonight and this is fl. its like 50.
Sawa: that's your average spring day here. i'm tired of feeling like i do lately, i'm ready for a change.
Mandy: blah. my mom thinks having a bed time will make the world problems go away because as long as shes a good mother and her daughter is in bed my a certain time means shes PERFECT. yes change can be good.
Sawa: bed times. i think i'm supposed to have one but i don't remember what it is. no one enforces it.
Mandy: ive learned a lot this spring break. ive learned that being around friends can leave you feeling more alone then you started out and that theres certain people who you love enough to hurt yourself and that even though beer taste nasty but you still drink it and that nothing makes sense with a hangover 5 days straight. GOD I FUCKING HATE IT.
Sawa: i'd look straightedge compared to you. i don't even have friends to go drinking with.
Mandy: there is no cooler with us. we just are. we float around hoping the only people that see us are over 21
Sawa: and there are so few of those kind of people.
Mandy: you should go out with us one night. its blissfull. we pretend were not real and it works
Sawa: i'd like to not be real for one night. the burden of being me is so absurdly heavy sometimes i want to turn the alarm off in the morning and go back to sleep for twenty years.
Mandy: i agree. other mammals can hibernate, why not us?
Sawa: everything should stop during winter. cities turn to ghost towns, everything stops functioning.
Mandy: id stay up just to see that
Sawa: so would i. i'd walk through the middle of downtown streets covered in snow, quiet as the bottom of the ocean.
Mandy: i think thats what being dead will be like. you'll just walk around in ghost towns all day.
Sawa: you'd be outside yourself and everything would feel different.
Mandy: theres pictures of us all week on my picture site. a little insight on unseen ones. you need the link?
Sawa: i saved it. i like looking at your pictures.
Mandy: i dont understand why
Sawa: i'm not like you, i'm inside myself and unable to do exactly what i want because of the immense task defending myself from all the idiots in this town is. that added to the grieving over the death of my only real relationship would kill me in ways i wouldn't see. i don't drink or smoke or anything, i read and write and take pictures to appease myself until i can leave this place.
Mandy: i write and paint and drink and smoke until i can get out of here. were not that different. we both dont quite fit in but we dont quite want to. i fucked up my realationship
Sawa: i wish i knew who to blame for mine.
Mandy: trust me id rather not know what caused the downward spiral.
Sawa: i'm certain i won't ever have another relationship that means anything.
Mandy: dont be so sure. you never know. you might be walking in that ghost town and see someone who thought they were all alone too
Sawa: i'm holding out for it inside. for now, i feel mechanical and dead.
Mandy: "and even now the robot starts to think. i wonder what it dreams." i know the feeling. i lived it. until some fuckers made me human again.
Sawa: i don't respond like i used to, and i wish i could take joy in some small thing, but someone once promised me better things.

Cause you're gone
I get nothing
And you're off with barely a sigh

Time-Traveler Arrested For Alleged Insider Trading

Staring at this huge orange and brown and black moth twitching on the floor. I have no means of killing it quick and painless (for me), so I find relief in knowing that it can't feel anything and just watch. Twitch twitch twitch. My cat rubs against it like it's an old buddy of hers. Looks up at me for approval. Picks it up in her mouth and drops it again and it's not twitching anymore. I think I'll just leave it there.

Another rejection letter, but this one was automated, meaning I had missed the deadline for April and nothing more. More corrections came from Mister David Barringer Assistant Editor Of Word Riot. I don't understand editors. If you change it with your own words, doesn't that no longer make it the other person's?

And who the hell is Walter Mitty?

201. What is a 'ninny'? A pansy.
What is a 'hootenanny'? A loud noise.

202. If you were going to buy a T-shirt that describes you, what single word would be printed on it? Die.

203. Would you rather be remembered for doing something for humanity or for being a really nice person? Doing something for humanity.

204. Which is more important: intelligence or niceness? Intelligence. Fuck being nice, nice got no one nowhere.

205. Your best friend and your man/woman are in the hospital at the same time. Who do you visit first? Neither. I'd stay at home, or maybe go out and get myself something to drink. Like an italian soda. I could seriously go for one right now; it's fucking 76 degrees outside and it's not even April.

206. What kind of person do you really want to be? I don't have any expectations for anything, so when something happens, I can be sure that I won't be disappointed.

207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish that you waited longer? Virginity and innocence do not interest me.

208. What makes you cry? Deeply hidden things, like memories.

209. What is your favorite song from the 90's? Duvet by Boa.

210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be? Q.

211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.? None of them ever.

212. What makes you want to be someone's friend? If I can stand them for more than a week, that's a good sign.

213. Are you annoying? Muchly.

214. Are you amazing? Absolutely.

215. How would you like to be a helicopter pilot? Yes.

216. What's your favorite video game? Pikmin and Dynasty Warriors 3.

217. Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours? All the time. I collect little things I steal.

218. Have you won any honors or awards? Tons of them in elementary school. Little brightly colored slips of paper telling me I've performed the education dance to their liking.

219. Do you think your parents read your diary? If they do, I don't care.

220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower? Quick shower. Bubble baths make me tired and lethargic.

221. Are you allergic to anything? Nothing at all. I'm superhuman.

222. What qualities in other people drive you crazy? People that don't have a wide array of emotion. Cowards, liars, and people that believe themselves to be vampires, werewolves, elves, and so on. People with no sense of self.

223. What qualities do you posses that drive others crazy? All of me.

224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again? Leave hasty-like after they said they wouldn't. Intentionally fucking up my plans.

225. Would you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed? Pain = win.

226. Have you ever said 'I hate everyone?' Daily. Hourly.

227. Where is the tenderness? Right underneath my left breast, where I cracked my ribs. Too close to the heart, I say.

228. Have you ever won a carnival fish? When I was six, I wanted so bad to have one that I begged for a few dollars to try one of those games. My father convinced my mother to let me (she was worried I would actually win ._.), and I played three times, but I didn't win at all.

229. Did it live more than a week? It wouldn't have, no.

230. What's the best sounding accent a person can have? Guatemalan.

231. What do you find shocking? Nothing, really.

232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens? Touch screen. Ooooh. :D

233. How do you envision the future (colonies on the moon, flying cars, etc.)? A corn syrup slow progression from bad to worse.

234. Are you naive? Deep down, no.

235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail? Me. Or maybe Melissa for giving head on elementary school property. (You will never live it down.)

236. Which theme monopoly would you want to own (you can make one up. It doesn't have to exist)? Anime monopoly. CLAMP and Studio Ghibli would be in place of Boardwalk and Park Place. (The real ones of those are in Palo Alto, California, which is the band [Palo Alto] that makes a song that was mistaken for Radiohead and a hoax involving Radiohead and lost track tapes results. Why do I know these things? I have no idea.)

237. Would you wear real fur? No. Too hot.

238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks? The former.

239. Do you like or loathe cops and why? Cops are... to be avoided when performing illegal activities. They're awfully amusing to run from. :x

240. Do your pets eat better than you do? They eat what I eat.

241. Are you constantly worried about the weather? Do you like to know the weather report before you get dressed? I don't care much about the weather at all. Winter has failed me and summer's just a dream.

242. Do you like the band Front 242? Well, after downloading them and giving it a listen, I'd have to say no.

243. Share a nugget of joy with us: The life of a rodeo clown is a painful and solitary existence. I know, for I am a rodeo clown.

244. What's your middle name? Maria de la Existencia Perdida.

245. Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter? I fucking hate Harry Potter, so Lord of the Rings.

246. Are you good, evil or neutral? Chaotic Neutral. :D

247. Should ebonics be declared an official language? If it were would you be able to speak it? No and no. Fucking travesty of the English language. I hate things that ruin speaking.

248. What color is your bedroom? What color would you like it to be? It has darker blue walls with a white ceiling and like it just the way it is.

249. Are you moving out soon? Yep, another year or so.

250. What is hanging on your walls? Two calendars, anime posters, stolen signs, postcards, proof of publication, fliers from The Moore Theatre, Christmas lights, pictures from the places I want to go, pictures I've taken in Seattle, wallscrolls, and other things.

Jung-hwa ban jum. *dances a little*



(New hair.)


(Very merry unbirthday to me.)




(My brother and I yesterday night.)

101. What does joy physically feel like? Like your insides are exploding.

102. List the three people you love most starting with the one you love the absolute most: I don't know how to answer this.

103. How many movies have you gone to see this month? How many movies have you seen in the last three months? This month, one: Daredevil. In the last three months... who knows.

104. If you could have 3 wishes but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for? I want to get Robbie help. And I want to get James a huge flat with everything he needs. And I want to get Jade a new mommie.

105. In what ways do you relax and unwind when you are really tense? I.. don't. My subconscious eats it like candy and it all comes out in a rush randomly.

106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to a public place naked (in the springtime) and get out of the car? A hundred dollars. It's just a body.

107. Are you very sophisticated? Like you wouldn't believe.

108. Are you more likely to be up on the current style or setting your own style? I have my own style. I borrow little things from everywhere and then add a dash of insanity.

109. What do you think of cloning? I'm all for the downfall of humanity in the quintessimal sense. No, I don't believe that would really happen... I really think that cloning is just like xeroxing something. It's never exactly the same.

110. What do you do more often, read or watch TV? Read. TV is for the mentally weak.

111. Are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased national safety? No. I'd sooner move out of the country than do that.

112. What is the best punishment you could come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive? I'd plane him. Eye for an eye and such.

113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body? My toes used to have names, but hell if I can remember them. I was a strange child.

114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV? Nope. :D

115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes prize? No. God, I'm a loser. XD

116. Have you ever won a contest or competition? Uhh... To my knowledge, no. I do have a tendency to sign up for contests and not give my real address/name.

117. Do you find The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross to be a very calming show to watch? Yeah. Especially when it's summertime and no one's home.

118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living? My step-grandmother on my mom's side ran P&L Heating with her husband, my mom's real dad. And my real grandmother on that side did... something spiritual. My real grandmother on my father's side did nothing because she was married a good portion of her life, and then she went insane and locked herself up in her house and bleached the lawn every week. My step-grandmother on that side is the head bank manager whatever for Key Bank in California, Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Idaho, Montana, and Colorado. She's not home much. My grandfather on that side co-created 13 Coins restaurant (really super famous, if you haven't heard of it), and then had his own restaurant, and then did something else. My grandparents... Jesus Christ, I'm not getting into all that. My great-grandmother was important enough in high society to christen ships (I have a picture of one).

119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history? My mother's ancestors were potato farmers. XD And my father's side all came from Prussia which no longer exists. So.

120. Is there anyone you trust Completely? Trust is a joke.

121. Do you believe in god? Why would I do something utterly stupid like that?

122. Why do you feel that America has never had a president that wasn't male, Christian and white? Because white Christian males founded the country, and they created everything here to cater to them. (Who wouldn't, right?)

123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool? Outdoor pool. Gods, I haven't gone swimming in over a year... DX

124. What things are you interested in that you explore on your own? Everything. Absolutely everything.

125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent? Yes.

126. Would you consider yourself to be wise? *muffled laughter* ...Only when I want to be.

127. Would you pay 100 dollars to be able to slide into a pool of Jell-O? I'd pay for that with the hundred dollars I got from driving around and getting out naked. Fun times. I'd slide in naked. I can hear some people: "What if you got jell-o.. you know... there?" You put things inside you that you have no idea where they've been. Or worse, you do know where they've been but you choose to ignore that. Come back and object when you stop bathing, eating, drinking, breathing and masturbating.

128. Have you ever helped out those who are less fortunate than you? Yeah. Only if they're strangers.

129. Have you/would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring?

130. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making someone else die 70 years sooner would you? Without thinking twice.

131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics?
a: I dust my lemon lies with powder pink and sweet...: Nope.
b: This girl named Carol follows Darrel every gig we play...: Nope.
c: I could make a film and make you my star...: Nope.
d: If you had my love and I gave you all my trust...:"Would you comfort me?".. OMG. -_- *suicides*

132. Are we having fun yet? I guess. That lunch at The Powerhouse was fucking awesome. Hitting the shit out of those softballs was too. Getting your neck shaved is the weirdest feeling ever. It really sucked though that Jade crapped out on me like that, but whatever. Not everything spontaneous goes through right, like I'd like to think.

133. Would you rather be the president or a rock star? El presidente. I'd like to be Castro's predecessor. He's a pretty cool guy.

134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote? "I throw away everything I've written you." Nope.

135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail? Yep. I got Ryan the autograph of the American voice actor of male Ranma at Aka Con. :D

136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now? Fuck concerts.

137. What's the best animated movie you've ever seen? Either Mononoke Hime or Metropolis. Mononoke Hime made me cry the first time I saw it.

138. Is nuclear war something you worry about? Nope. Nucular strategery isn't anything to worry about with our fantastic president! :D!

139. Are you a leader or a follower? I'm the one breaking into your car.

140. What are the best bands/songs to listen to while driving? J-pop anything.

141. Do you have bumper stickers on your car? I will. LOTS OF THEM. :3

142. What (to you) is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished? Putting lightning into a jar. Or maybe surviving the plague.

143. What could a guy/girl do to impress you? Recite obscure poems from memory. Use the word philosopher-king in everyday speech. Have a quip for each of my witty remarks and not miss a beat. Fly.

144. About how many emails do you get a day? How many of them are junk mail? How many forwards? Thirty, not counting the crap. I get at least 100 spam mails.

145. What's your favorite thing to do online? Fill out these fucking surveys. AHAH. No.

146. Do you believe Kurt Cobain killed himself or was it a conspiracy? I think that his roommate or whatever offed him.

147. Would you rather drive across country or fly? Drive. More hands-on.

148. What/who would you bring with you on a road trip? I'd bring myself and a map and every CD I own.

149. What will you dress up as for next Halloween? Cleopatra. Jade and I were in Seattle and found this shop that had these Egyptian hair bead things, and she said I looked like Cleo, and she said I have to be her then, so.

150. At about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married (or at what age did you get married)? Both my brother and I are not getting married or having children, though he's much more likely to give in than I am.

151. Austin Powers one, two or three? None. Ew.

152. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out?

153. What is your quest? *giggles* "WHAT... is your name? WHAT... is your favorite color?"

Sawa: So I'll steal you away tomorrow, detatch you from your chair and we'll go do something.
Alana: Okay.
Sawa: Hold on, I have another call. *switches lines* Hello?
Nick and Amanda: HI SAWA! :D
Sawa: OMG! I missed talking to you guys so much. I've been so bored.
Nick: You know what you need? A prostitute.
---
Amanda: *begins singing* Build me up build me up buttercup baby just to let me down..
Nick: Honey, you can't sing.
Amanda: I can too. Male wench.
Nick: Well you're a FEMALE wench.
Amanda: I'm sewing my shoe back together.
Nick: Why don't you get new shoes?
Amanda: Dear, I like these shoes.
Nick: Fine, fine.. If you want to destroy my sweaterrrr...
All three: Hold this thread as I waaaalk awaaaay...
Nick: Yeah, I'm going to be a counselor this year. They're going to give me children!
Sawa and Amanda: Oh God.

My jovial mood has been restored. XD

<3 Camp Sealth

Words caught between words. Somehow this song is sadder in spanish.

(Trent knows what I mean.)

Getting my hair cut tomorrow, short short short with bangs to change me again because I hate you myself so much. You didn't care much for the movie, but you're no dreamer, so that's no surprise. So I'm getting my hair cut like her.

Sniffing acrid air. I hate that strange taste in my throat when I choke on my words. I'm in one of those moods again. Turn away now.

if i could just find a way

"I'll be honest... [Rescue] scared the shit out of me. But it also intrigued me. I couldn't wait to read the next word, and the next and the next... The way you portray this guy is creepy because it seems so real."

to make it so that

Well, there you have it Josiah. I made you into something they become addicted to. Something they all love.

All for you, liar.

Last night...

"This is a well-written piece and so light and pleasant that I hesitate to ask for what I'm asking for. And that's context. I don't think you need to add something deep and dark, in fact I discourage it, but I was waiting to learn something about this person, where they are, what's going on. For example, maybe the person's in a rush, and so it means something when he or she is taken away and captivated by this little cereal car. They're putting off something important, they're late, but they can't help it. They're getting joy from this toy, and this person suddenly realizes that joy has been missing from his/her life for a long time, and it's that tension, the joy in the toy versus the very adult awareness that joy has, sadly, been missing in his/her life that will turn this story from cute to poignant. Get it? Why don't you go back and rewrite just a little to add this sort of thing, and I'll take a second look at it. If you don't want to rewrite and resent me butting in, I understand. So I'm rejecting it, but I invite you to rewrite it and send it back in. I do like the simple joy, but just complicate it a little, give it urgency and meaning, and it'll be a great little story.

Sincerely,
David Barringer
Assistant Fiction Editor
Word Riot"

SLEHFLAWUEHRFHuhlilsfhalrefo;sadfawe. O_O

Sawa: <:O
Jade: What.
Sawa: <:O
Jade: WHAT.
Sawa: Word Riot finally got back to me.. <:O

Final version written in US History:

I take a box of cereal out of the pantry, open the top, and begin to pour myself a bowl of Honey Nut Chex. My eyes squeeze shut as my mouth opens involuntarily, and mid-yawn, I hear a strange noise. The sort of sound one doesn’t usually hear coming out of cereal boxes.

Looking down into my bowl, I see a small toy racecar that sets off a riot of childhood memories. Since when did 21st Century cereal come with toys actually inside the bag? I hadn’t even noticed the advertisement on the front of the box when I bought it.

I pick up the car and unwrap it, setting it down on the counter and testing out the plastic suspension with a little pressure. Seems sturdy enough. I push it back and forth, the mini wheels squealing with the delight of their first taste of solid ground. Cereal forgotten, I shift into drive and peel out on the slick Formica.

Cruising past flour and sugar jars, my bright blue car hugs a hairpin turn past the knives at 150 mph. The tires screech and twist with a few simple turns, and I’m defying the laws of gravity for a few breathless moments, riding apple and pear wallpaper and leveling off again to retrace my melted rubber tracks.

This isn’t enough! Faster and faster, I’m pressing the pedal to the floor and aiming for the wooden edge of the wide-open road. There’s no one here to say that I should slow down, no purple-faced boss to tell me to get back to work. Flying on the ground, free of cubicles and paperwork, I am enjoying my life for the first time in years. My teeth grinding against each other, lips pulled back into a dangerous snarl as I fling my near weightless vehicle off the edge and into the sunrise. This is it! This is what I’ve been waiting to feel my entire life!

The small car hits the floor and lands on its back, wheels spinning like the kicking heels of an overturned beetle. I pick it up, setting it next to my bowl and pouring milk over my cereal. I dig in with a satisfied smile, pleased with the thought that today I will quit my job and become what I had only dreamed of in elementary school: a racecar driver.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. :x

*crosses fingers and returns his e-mail with the final draft*

Jade: Pikmin!
Sawa: You're not a pikmin, you don't have a flower anymore.
Jade: *puts hand on head and sprouts fingers in form of flower*
Sawa: ...XD

I apologize beforehand for this.

The 5000 Question Survey: Part One of 347204578293527394823 Or Some Such Number.

1. Who are you? I am Secret Ninja Sawa.

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you? One: I am not nice. Two: I don't play favorites, not even if you're my best fucking friend on the planet. Not even if I've fucked you before. Three: I hate you already. (That one was for you Aya. :D)

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one (originally from freeopendiary.com [Sawa: *gag*] in the diary: 5000 question survey) what are you doing? If I'm not at skool, I'm at home.

4. List your classes in school (Or when you were at school) from the ones you like (or liked) the most to the ones you like the least. Chemistry, French, American Lit, Psychology, U.S. History, Geometry.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year? To talk to James more. ._.

6. Where will you be in 5 years? Europe, taking black and white pictures of statues, eating whatever sort of noodles I can get my hands on, and swimming in the ocean.

7. What animal would you most like to be able to transform into every now and then? Pidgin. I'd fly away and hide from everyone forever.

8. Are you more child-like or childish? Both.

9. What is the last thing you said out loud? "Is the war our movie now? Our 24 hour movie? Change the channel, for fuck's sake."

10. What song sums up your life right now? Uhh... Dashboard Confessional - The Brilliant Dance.

11. Does your life suck? Oh God, yeah. Like bad. Mostly cause it's so damn boring.

12. Does your life get better or worse each day, or does it just stay the same? Painfully stays the same.

13. Does time really heal all wounds? Not in my experience.

14. How do you handle a rainy day? I play in it, if it's pouring. If it's not, I stay inside.

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights? Losing luggage. There's a chance you might not get it back.

16. How is your relationship with your parents? My father's the reincarnation of some nasty Neo-Goth from the 5th century A.D. I hate him, and I don't care if deep down he really loves me because he's fucked me up so badly with his screaming and threats and physical violence and overbearing laws that any semblance of forgiveness threw itself right out the window years ago. I'd like to pretend I can talk to my mother, but she really doesn't understand at all. Wasn't really there for me anyway, was always busy bringing home the bacon, but that didn't matter. I knew what she had to do and that's fine with me. She doesn't understand my gay side at all, and is actually pretty unaccepting of it, but the hetero in me gets along just fine with her.

17. Will you miss them when they are gone? My father, no. Fuck no. There's nothing to miss. Normal people do not miss having drawers thrown at their heads. My mother.. sure. Kind of like losing a friend you've known for awhile.

18. How do you want to make your living? I've got this idea in my head that I'm good at writing. We'll see. I'm also down with the web design and photography and Japanese skillz. Mm hmm.

19. How do you want to live your life? One day at a time, far away from everyone I know now.

20. Has life ever given you a second chance? I don't remember having a first chance.

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker? Giver. I give till it stops making me feel good.

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart? Lately, no.

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? Cracked ribs. Not fun.

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you? August 14th 2002.

25. Who have you hugged today? Michelle.

26. Who has hugged you? Michelle.

27. Do you have a lot to learn? Oyah.

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be? How to make rings (like my spinny ones), how to mess with lighting effects, and how to make someone's brain explode with my mind.

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do, or how other people make you feel? What other people say and how other people make me feel tie into each other. So both of those together. God, I'm so emo.

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship? You're asking the wrong person. I used to pretend I knew how to go about those inherently fucked things called relationships, but I'm disenchanted now.

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die? See the world. Write a book people talk about for years to come. Find peace within Deceit.

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing? Willingly forming some sort of worthless daily repetition. Taking up permanent residence in Alaska. Falling in love.

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause? Equality. It's the Libra in me. Everything has to be fair fair fair fair fair.

34. What does each decade make you think of:
The 19..
20's: Cute haircuts and all that jazz.
30's: Ship christenings.
40's: Pincurls.
50's: Suzy Homemaker.
60's: Mud fights.
70's: Stick-thin blondes in tight pants and loose half-shirts.
80's: Everything in the world that is ugly.
90's: Serial Experiments Lain.
2000's (so far): Death.

35. Which decade do you feel you belong in and why? The one a few centuries after this one. Perhaps people are enlightened and less stupid then. I feel like I'm in a sea of stupid every day.

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song? Stealers Wheel - Stuck In The Middle With You. <3 Reservoir Dogs.

37. If you could say any sentence to the president of the USA what would it be? I hope you're happy, you fucking cock.

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night? MTV2. Good music, you say? Yes! Mr. Bungie is my hero of late-night music videos.

39. What movie or book villain are you the most like and why? Kathryn, from Cruel Intentions, because we're both vengeful and heartless.

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout? Nope. But I was/still am in Campfire Boys & Girls. *salutes or some such nonsense* You're automatically a member if you go to Camp Sealth.

41. If you were travelling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat? Boat. I'm tired of planes.

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night? Do explanations like this interest you? The light from the sun refracts off the atmosphere and the particles within, and the resulting color is blue. It's "black" at night because there's no light to do the refracting. And yeah, it's interesting. I need an explanation for everything like this.

43. What does your screen name mean? Paradox, for the utter contradiction I embody. (Those of you who have been around me for a year or longer know what I'm talking about.) And the Lain part because I've got teh computar skillz.

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space? Ocean. Water is home. It's quiet and dark and cold.

45. Word association What’s the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:
air: summer
meat: slaughter
different: abnormal
pink: ballet
deserve: patrick
white: cabreenie's nails
elvis: second grade
cilantro: prosciutto
heart: jack the ripper
clash: rejection
pulp: jade

46. If you could meet any person who is dead and famous who would you want it to be and why? Plato. I want to ask him a few things about philosopher-kings.

46. What if you could meet anyone alive and famous? Gore Vidal, because he's possibly the most interesting man I've ever seen.

47. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday? Nope, no way.

48. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do? Misdirection, all sorts of pens including one of my permanent pens and an expo marker, a case of ramune soda and chow mein.

49. What one CD would you bring to listen to for that week (no mixed CD’s..Must be an album)? Malice Mizer Singles Collection. Oyah.

50.Have you saved someone's life, or has yours ever been saved? Missy's life was once in my hands, in the woods near the highway, but I quickly gave it back. Being stuck in the woods for longer than I was with that rambling psycho Christian would've prompted me to kill her in a most brutal fashion and eat her piece by piece.

Quack diddlyoh soh quack quack quack sing San Marino-rino-rino-rino flora flora flor-flor-flor fa-lor one two three four.

Cornbread is your friend cha cha.

*bows*

The college fair rocked the socks right off me. Michelle and I hung out most of the day. The Art Institute of Seattle looks like fun. Michelle was more into Cornish, though. Whatever. I hope she gets to do what she wants and not just give up on being a famous country singer right off. The food they have at GRCC... it costs 9 dollars to taste heaven. And did I ever.

WWU Rep: What do you want to major in?
Me: Philosophy.
WWU Rep: Who's your favorite?
Me: Sartre.
WWU Rep: Not Kierkegaard? Heheh, just checking.
Me: *smirky smirk*

Me: Stop. STOP, I need to do this. It's been bugging me.
Michelle: What...?
Me: *sets college thingies down, gets a good hold on one of the cherry trees and shakes it madly, sending torrents of pink petals and raindrops down on them*
Michelle: *laughs and shakes some petals off the top of her head*
Me: *grins and rubs the raindrops off her cheeks* I've been wanting to do that since we got here.

Sawa: if i'd have known we were allowed to go into the offices i would've gone :\
Kyle: we weren't. i broke in. he he he
Sawa: lol
Kyle: -evil laugh echoes the halls-
Sawa: well then, if i'd have known people were breaking in i would've gone :x
Kyle: good point

(Kyle broke into KGRG's offices and stole someone's Radiohead wall thing. He had it sticking out of his messenger bag and slipped onto the bus with it slyly. I couldn't stop laughing.)

Anyway...

My favorite band: Modest Mouse

01. are you male or female?

She ionizes and atomizes
Then turns into sunlight

-She Ionizes And Atomizes

02. describe yourself:

I'm the same as I was
When I was 6 years old
And oh my God I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything

-Neverending Math Equation

03. how do people feel about you?

You're no one
You're going nowhere

-Swy

04. how do you feel about yourself?

Well it took a lot of work
To be the ass that I am
And I'm really damn sure that anyone can
Equally, easily fuck you over

-Dark Center Of The Universe

05. describe your girlfriend / boyfriend / interest:

You're the icing on the cake on the table at my wake
You're the flowers in my house when my allergies come out
You're the extra ton of cash in my sinking life raft
You're the loud sound of fun when I'm trying to sleep

-You're The Good Things

06. what would you rather be doing?

Waiting to bleed onto the big streets
That bleed out onto the highways and
Off to others cities built to
Store and sell these rocks

-Convenient Parking

07. describe where you live:

Here things go from gray
To gray and back to gray again
And they get green and go to gray
And go back to gray again

-Head South

More housing developments go up
Named after the things they replace
So welcome to Minnow Brook
And welcome to Shady Space
And it all seems a little abrupt
No, I don't like this change of pace

-Novocain Stain

08. describe how you live:

Go night swimming
Leave our clothes on the ground
If you get busted
You should stand there proud
It's the truth, we've all been wrong
Make it up and then let's move on
Playing cards we all get to act sly
There's so much beauty it could make you cry

-So Much Beauty In Dirt

09. describe how you love:

I've got this thing that I consider
My only art of fucking people over

-3rd Planet

10. share a few words of wisdom:

No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up

-Lives

Today is my getaway car.

No amount of biting comments and fierce, undeserved and misdirected hate will smooth this over. Their pain does nothing anymore, just makes me blank. I was thinking if I hurt enough people it might get around to you. I was hoping, anyway. Hoping you'd know how I feel right now.

Cut me open. Cut me open and try to find my heart. In the 14th century, they said if your heart was small, you were a bitter and greedy person. I wonder what they would say about finding no heart at all.

There's a small blade right there. Digging into me.

Every.

Single.

Day.

And I can't breathe.

Brian. You, you were Brian and I was Justin. Only their situation is a backwards version of ours. Justin left Brian, and found a new boyfriend. A boyfriend that wakes him with his violin, and encourages his art. Brian is alone, paying expensive hookers that look so much like Justin, it's uncanny. He makes them lie facedown on his bed, and fucks them slow and gentle.

She's so much like me. You cowardly fuck.

Crying for the first time in a month. It hurts me. It hurts when I move. It hurts when I inhale. It hurts, oh God it hurts and I can't drown out the burning nerves.

*slides to the floor, curling up against the wall and shaking hard* I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.

I'll show you the door
When you've decided to hold on
To all that you've lost
You see, all this is nothing
When she comes and tears you apart
Of course, all this is nothing
If you hold the key to her heart
I told you I am your savior and your truth
When you get down on the floor,
I will steal the soul from you
If there is no truth
Let's end this lie tonight

When the thirteenth apostle
Is knocking at my door,
A new sun is rising in the east
Did I tell you that?
It's true. So sing thorughout the streets
And sing throughout the night
Go and tell the people my soul is aflight
Although you might save me from
All these emotions that are filling my mind,
All of your healers are still hurting my kind
I will watch what the rain blows in,
And I will continue to tell people
That a climb to the holy land
Is a slide to the devil's hand

Something is going to change these times
And I'll watch them fade away
So if they want to keep me hung on their crosses
They'll have to find some bigger nails
I will continue to walk these streets
Like a doubting Thomas
And I'll swear at saints when they pass me by
Nothing is pure when everything is tainted
Where am I going to go when I die?

So you see, I'll try to let you go
And I'll try very hard to forget
I don't think my thought will subside,
I guess I'm just losing my mind
I'm walking alone
I'm standing in the sun
I'm thinking about my life
And how it's barely just begun
I want to run

Beloved Tea Party, how you shriek the pain of wounds so deep. Trent, you're not a very good self-proclaimed savior. I wonder if Josiah reads this. I'D BET MY FREEDOM THAT HE DOESN'T AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. You can just tell where this post is going, can't you.

Love and hate have lost their weight. That rhymes and you'll see it in a poem of mine soon enough. Perhaps something that makes sense for one.

I want something different. Something that doesn't sound like me. Something like this:

Koko ni hen na kimochi ga iru
Hitomi no hibi o kourui moreru
Nanimokamo wa koppamijin

I'm not in the mood for English. Jade can tell me how horrible my grammar is tomorrow. (Though the first line's "iru" was on purpose.) Rakkaeda ni kaerazu hakyoufutata biterasazu, ne? (I'm glad everyone I know isn't fluent in Japanese. They'd be laughing at me right now. D:)

6:49am this morning:

Me: *paces in front of bathroom door* The reason we have two bathrooms is for you to have your own and for ME TO HAVE MINE.
Steve: *no response*
Me: GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM.
Steve: *opens door shirtless, walks out and into his room*
Me: *slams door open to find the toilet unflushed* ..... *screams in rage*

I wish my mother had never remarried. That fucktard sitting in my living room is my enemy. Fucking cock. I hope he chokes on his precious home-made jerky and beer and suffocates to death while he watches his stupid fucking TV shows he kicked me out of the living room to watch. GOD FORBID WE ACTUALLY WATCH SOMETHING INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING. Chocolat isn't exactly the worst choice of viewing options, you chubby PIG. FUCK YOUR PRIMETIME SHOWS AND NEWS FLASHES AND CHEERING FOR DEATH HALF A FUCKING WORLD AWAY FROM YOUR INACTIVE RETIRED MARINES ASS. He does not belong in my house. My mother and I belong in a small house in another town away from him and his nonexistent mannerisms.

Men are the death of women. My father killed my mother's youth, and now my step-father is killing her adulthood.

FUCK MEN. THEY ARE WORTHLESS.

I've been a real bitch today. Examples?

Michelle's Blonde Friend: Wow, cool bottle.
Me: *blinks*
Michelle: What is it?
Me: *makes motion of zipping lips*
Blonde: Oh, so you're not talking, huh?
Me: *stares at her for a moment, then turns to Michelle* Well, she's a smart one, isn't she.

Principal: Okay, I'll take questions if any of you have them.
Me: *sitting right in front of him; raises hand*
Principal: *gestures to only other person raising hand (boy in the back)*
Sophomore Boy: *inane question*
Principal: *cuts him off and answers; repeats this process five times* Last question.
Me: *patiently holds my arm up as straight as I can*
Principal: *calls on yet another boy*
Me: *drops arm like dead weight, glaring*
Principal: Thanks for your time. *everyone applaudes*
District Superindendant: *sitting right behind me, turns and says* Did you get your question an--
Me: *turns my back, waves her off dissmissively and walks away*

God, I hate everything.

Yay for fucking your own images up. Hurhurhur. -_-

Jhoh: Do you wanna fuck or what?

I've never had someone say that to me before. I think I'm mildly annoyed.

Miyazaki won the Oscar. :3 *throws confetti* Omedetou, Miyazaki san! Wai!

Sawa: Is or has your hair ever been long?
Trent: Define long? I know my hair is currently longer than yours, but I am not sure what you consider long.
Sawa: I mean long like... at least at your shoulderblades.
Trent: Then, yes, my hair is long. It is four inches past my shoulder blades.
Sawa: And it's brown.
Trent: Nah, it is red.
Sawa: Naturally?
Trent: Oh, naturally! No, it is light brown naturally, but I haven't not dyed it for six years.
Sawa: *winces* ..Is it straight?
Trent: Yep.

None of you will understand how this is relevant to anything.

*flies into a rage, sweeping everything off her desk and running out of the room screaming*

LeBlanc, the cock that told me my poetry was shite and prompted my deleting all of the old stuff and posting newer things, was convicted of severe plagiarizing, and subsequently received the orange wings of evil from Nentwined. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Sawa: you are the one that left jade that note?
Aya: which note?
Sawa: on jade's livejournal. she posted about it.
Aya: they were all dissing you.

Aya surprises me all the time.

... :3

Jade: Is Sunday fine for you?
Sawa: Whenever.
Jade: Mm...how about two, like last time I came back from Church-Hell.
Sawa: It's not like I have an appointment.
Jade: I'm just trying to let you know so that I don't pop up on your doorstep while you're dancing around to music in your tighty-whities. X3
Sawa: Because you know I just do that all the time..
Jade: Sure. I do. Doesn't everyone else? ._.
Sawa: No. Freak. :D
Jade: D:
Sawa: To be honest, I don't think we'll have enough time to finish.
Jade: OMG I'M NOT NORMAL.
Sawa: WELL YOU HAVE A FREAKING ANTENNA.
Jade: Neither do I. Which means we should stay away from the computer PERIOD while I'm at your house. D:-
Sawa: I believe the word is "duh."
Jade: but I'm an alen.. alien. kfaj;eiowr;aijwfr.
Sawa: lol. LOL. FREEEEAK.
Jade: alen.
Sawa: Jaed's a alen.
Jade: ALEEEEEEEEN OMG AN ALEN! XD This is the best thing for us to be doing, you know, laughing and being all stupid.
Sawa: Yes. Anything beyond that all goes to hell.
Jade: WHO NEEDS COMPLICATED INTELLIGENCE OMG IT'S SO IN THE WAY. Anyhow. I have some entertaining to do. ;_;
Sawa: Mm hmm
Jade: Christian Girl's still here, so, yeah. ._.
Sawa: D:
Jade: I see yoo latar.
Sawa: Byeee
Jade: X3 -squeeeeeeezes Sawa to a pulp- MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA.
Sawa: *squishy*
Jade: SAWA IS PULP AND JADE ES ALEN ..Oh my God. I'm going to go sleep now.
Sawa: *slushes around on the floor*

Irked to giddy in 2.7 seconds flat.

From: Sawa
To: On*Cloud*Nine

"As a lesson in the pitiless cruelty of the human race, September 11 was up there with Pol Pot's mountain of skulls in Cambodia, or the skeletal bodies stacked like garbage in the Nazi concentration camps. An unspeakable act so cruel, so calculated and so utterly merciless that surely the world could agree on one thing - nobody deserves this fate."

That was a lovely comparision of millions and millions of people dying as opposed to a few thousand. *rolls eyes* If you think this is the best-written article you've ever read, it's probably because you don't know all of the facts, and perhaps also because you live in America.


To: Sawa
From: On*Cloud*Nine

You're damn right I live in America. And I'm PROUD of it. Slightly bitter towards Americans? Kiss my ass. Think we're uninformed about the war? Again, feel free to kiss my ass.

Oh, and stay out of my diary.

---

Nevermind that that wasn't the point. Fucking Americans.

And I have, liek, so much homework omg. -_-

Jade: ...Hm. You only have to be 23 to become president in France. o.o But only one person has been elected more than once.
Sawa: JAED FOR PRESIDENT OF FRANCE 2011.
Jade: OH MAH GOSH YES

Oh look, Jade's friends left me lovenotes. (You might not want to click that if wordy melodrama grates upon your nerves.)

I finally got so incredibly disgusted with everything and everyone that I retreated back into my room. It felt cool and fresh and like summer and I convinced myself it was and that I had all the time in the world set before me, and I fell asleep on my bed listening to Bright Eyes. And woke up 10 minutes ago. Also: Conor Oberst is your god.

I spent a week drinking the sunlight of Winnetka, California
Where they understand the weight of human hearts
You see, sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you
With the fear that it eventually departs
And the truth is I’ve been dreaming of some tired tranquil place
Where the weather won’t get trapped inside my bones
And if all the years of searching find one sympathetic face
Then it's there I'll plant these seeds and make my home

I spent a day dreaming of dying in Mesa, Arizona
Where all the green of life had turned to ash
And I felt I was on fire, with the things I could have told you
I just assumed that you eventually would ask
And I wouldn’t have to bring up my so badly broken heart
And all those months I just wanted to sleep
And though spring, it did come slowly, I guess it did its part
My heart has thawed and continues to beat

And I visited my brother on the outskirts of Olympia
Where the forest and the water become one
And we talked about our childhood
Like a dream we were convinced of
That perfect, peaceful street that we came from
And I know he heard me strumming
All those sad and simple chords
As I sat inside my room so long ago
And it hurts that he’s still shaking
From those secrets that were told
By a car closed up too tight and a heart turned cold

And I went to San Diego, and the birthplace of the summer
And watched the ocean dance under the moon
There was a girl I knew there, one more potential lover
I guess that something’s gotta happen soon
Cause I know I can’t keep living in this dead or dying dream
As I walked along the beach and drank with her
I thought about my true love, the one I really need
With eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure
They make me pure
They make me pure
I long to be with you

(I woke up to that.)

Tomorrow is my day off from war bullshite. I'll glue my headphones to my ears and bury my face in my novel. I won't turn the TV on, I won't go to any websites, I won't be around anyone that just can't stop talking about it. I'll go outside and rooollll on the concrete with my cat. I'll play basketball with Stephanie and let her win again and then put her on my back and let her shoot from there. I'll eat chow mein and draw little sketchings everywhere. I'll get my hair cut and buy a slurpy and listen to Hajime Chitose. NO WARMONGERINGS FOR SAWA TOMORROW.

Woo!

*runs back to own private summer*

War Definitions/Explanations. Includes each country we've ever bombed with time periods. (There's an absurd amount of them.)

Project Censored

Sawa: Do you know how many people hate Israel?
Jhoh: LOTS. Egypt does actually.
Sawa: The entire middle east excluding Israel.
Jhoh: That is why the middle east should be destroyed.
Sawa: Innocent people don't deserve to die.
Jhoh: Radioactive glass parking lot.
Sawa: -_-

Mandy: im making an anti war shirt for tomorrow
Sawa: what's it say?
Mandy: fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity
Sawa: that's hilarious
Mandy: oh yes. i might get in trouble, but i dont care.

Lex: ;_;
Sawa: What's wrong, love?
Lex: We are at war.
Sawa: Yeah. ._. It was kind of inevitable. Bush wants what he wants and he got it.
Lex: -Sighs- I fought so hard for so long against this. Tomorrow, I'm walking out of school. When the war starts, America stops. I'll see to it.
Sawa: *wraps her arms around you* There's nothing anyone could have done about this. I hate realizing that, but it's a fact, and you just have to let it go and hope there aren't a substantial amount of casualties.
Lex: -Sets my hands lightly on your hips- But... I can't accept it. I won't. I won't accept this war. And I'm going to fight it with every last ounce of energy I have.

I won't ask you
To give up on the things
That seem to keep you gone
But I could be gone too

Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you're not here
When I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won't talk
But we're not fighting
You hold onto your secrets
And I'm not privy to
What is on your mind
But I can't help but feel tired
So tired

OMG JULIE UR TEH BEST POET EVAR. [/sarcasm]

I'm a smidge sick of watching my mouth. This is my blog, whether you read or not, and I'm not going to hide my nose in the corner. So here we go, boys and girls.

"In english, one of my lines was, 'Soft, what nymphs are these?' I almost said nymphet, Sawa."

LOL.

Sean: Why not just tell me what's running through your mind lately? Besides Iraq?
Adrienne: Sakura Con, James, Jade, Chris, school, reading, my novel, my brother, my father and how much I hate him, my siblings, my hair, my clothes, my homework, my COMPASS test, Running Start, and college.
Sean: Your mind is a delightfully sloppy mess, isn't it?
Adrienne: One would think.
Sean: Elaborate on this COMPASS thing.
Adrienne: It's the test I need to take and pass in order to go into Running Start.
Sean: Which is....?
Adrienne: ....You're not a fucking elephant, that's for sure.
Sean: No, but they say I'm Hung.....ah, nevermind. Yes, I AM forgetful. Refresh me.
Adrienne: No thanks.
Sean: Oookay. Then let's move onto.....Chris. What's new there?
Adrienne: We're both unsettled.
Sean: You have a talent for vaguery when I ask you these things, yet your story writing is so exceptionally detailed and laced with imagery. It's unsettling and interesting all at once.
Adrienne: Speaks chapters about me, doesn't it.
Sean: You said it, not me.
Adrienne: I say the things you're afraid to say.
Sean: Yes. You're like the perfect complement to me.

I play Russian Roulette everyday
(A man's sport)
With a bullet called life

I want to go to the convention now. When I'm there, I won't have to see anyone I don't want to for three whole days. What a fucking blessing.

"You're not off the hook yet." My only alleged sins are a minor assumption and speaking of Jade as if she weren't present when she was, and that has no basis considering she didn't even want to be in the conversation I was engaged in. And then there's her friends and how she keeps them informed of her goings on... Don't get me started. Jesus fucking Christ don't get me started.

And then there's Missy.

"the phone rang and a woman informed my mother that i'd be seeing some sort of psychologist / counselor on the ninth of april, appointment at 9:30. ninth of april? you have got to be kidding. i want to be fixed, now. i don't want to carry this weight any more. you'd think when a girl took pills and slept away her sorrow the next day, someone would be more inclined to help them. i guess not."

Ugh.

What do you want, a pity party? You all can throw your own damn crucifixtions, I don't want to fund emotional terrorism with a perverse co-dependancy SUV. (lol?)

Me: *unlocks side door and moves to open it*
Steph: *opens door* Hi.
Me: ...What are you doing here.
Steph: Our grandparents dropped us off.
Me: ...And how long are you staying.
Steph: Till Friday.
Me: *melts to floor*

Later...

Phone: *rings*
Steph: ..Who's Gaston Ja--
Me: *picks phone up* Hi. Hi. Omg. Hi.
James: Hi. How are you?
Me: Hi.
James: Hi hi hi.
Me: *squeals*
James: There we go. :D

James and I are going to try and go out for lunch on Sunday. He's moved back to Renton (local again!) and he's been working nonstop. He said he really missed talking to me and I said the same thing so we agreed we need to go out and do something again. He's finally getting sex, too. He's shacked up with this guy named Tom. James said he's a pretty boy punker with the most adorable clothes and stomach. So very goot for James. :D Sadly I have not indulged much as of late in this aspect of living on planet earth. D: It's mostly because there's no one within a ten mile radius of me that has an IQ higher than 140 (which James told me my criteria should be.) It could also be that NO ONE PUTS OUT. Sigh. Moving on.

I kinda overdid the napping thingy and woke up about... 45 minutes ago. So I'll be up half the night doing homewerk and eating things. Perhaps fruit. Fruit is goot. Like oranges. Yes. So I will go do homewerk and eat oranges. And talk to my sisters. :3

SAKURA CON T MINUS 17 DAYS AND COUNTING

Piro from Megatokyo will be there as well as Tycho and Gabe from Penny Arcade. Yamamoto Maria (the adorable singer of the end theme to NieA_7 and Kano from His and Her Circumstances, among other things) will be there also, and to top it all off on Saturday there will be a special performance by Ishida Yoko. (!!!) Pre-reg has ended, so if you want in, you'll have to arrive at 9am like me and James and get a headstart on those awful lines. The hotel is also full, but lucky everyone, the convention's so big that it's spilled into the Mariott across the way, so you can get a room there. *squee*

Also: Most if not everyone from ARHS won't be able to go (SHOWS HOW MUCH OF AN ANIME FAN YOU ARE HAHAHA), which means the sanctity of my love will be pure as the driven snow! I'll have all the time in the world to flit from Dana and Nichole to the music video contest to Kelly and Karen to the cosplay with James (hopefully) with me the whole time.

Tsuite oide, you fucker.

Welcome one and all to the Internet, where the land is cheap and the sex is free.

I feel like a whore.

...*muffled laughter*

This morning was hilarious. Midday is quiet. I borrowed a Calvin and Hobbes collection book from the library and laughed my way through Chemistry.

I talked to Bryant about Running Start and how he could do it if he really wanted to. He's a really nice person and I'm glad that my offhand assumptions about him at the beginning of the year were all wrong.

Jade's mad at me (again), so the project for Chemistry is on hold or something, I guess. Hayley made me feel really good about it all right after first period ended. We walked to our classes and she let me rant about it for a bit, agreed with what I said about Jade, and then said two simple sentences that made me laugh really hard and just let go of the situation. I love her commentary on things like this.

So the rest of my day was alright. I have good music and peach juice and an entire afternoon to myself. Kind of mellow. Kind of slow. But overall... Good.

(I get my car in three weeks. X3)

Jhoh: I know another girl on AIM right now. She also likes the whole "doing it" thing. Not really as hardcore as you though. Secretly, if it came down to the two of you, and I could only do one, I'd probably have you... I got an idea.
Sawa: Yes?
Jhoh: You are a schoolgirl! How about that hm? No actually, you're a schoolgirl and I'm a boy in school too. Like maybe your age.
Sawa: Okay.
Jhoh: Then we fuck in the bathroom or the principal's office or something. Actually how about I'm 13? So that would be even more wrong.
Sawa: Okay.
Jhoh: Nothing seems to faze you. Actually, what WOULD you consider out of line?
Sawa: ...I don't know.
Jhoh: If I tracked you down in real life and killed you. That would be out of line.
Sawa: Nah.
Jhoh: You're throwing me off now.
Sawa: I don't value life.


Adrienne: I've decided what I'm going to do to get me through now until the end of college.
Sean: And what would that be? And is it Masochistic?
Adrienne: Webdesign. And YES.
Sean: Well, not technically. Unless you're needlessly devoted. Like you are.


Chris: Word up. I'm going for contract killing myself. Or possily some sort of drug dealing. What do you think of Kristoff the LSD dealer?.. -paces- So, idle are we. Sigh...
Sawa: Dying my hair.
Chris: Ahhh, what colour?
Sawa: Black black black black black. Blue black.
Chris: Sweet.
Sawa: Yeeesss.
Chris: Blue black is the best colour. Evar.


My attitude right now reminds me of Josiah's dream. (Big J Jo-sai-ah Josibuns J-man all those nicknames and they all still say them around me god I'm going to gut myself.) Being knocked around in a huge chain-reaction crash and not doing a thing. Not caring enough to lift my hands and take control. Wheeeee.

Flashback: Eating in Seattle with James on August 23rd. Chinese Kung Pao chicken over rice. Sitting across from me, "Adrienne, you have to eat." He feeds me by hand.
Flashback: The group party on August 29th. Hiding in the bathroom and crying to myself. Everyone scowling at me as I leave. "She did it for attention."
Flashback: Amy on that day at school. "How are you and Josiah? How was his trip here? Where'd you two go? Did he like it? Did he like you?" I stare at her and die inside.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I miss James so much I'm almost crying.

I'm the party star

*flounces into the room* This day was a huge whirlwind of shuffling money and food. I drove my brother to a local LAN... thing. (And didn't kill anyone.) I got my blessed cherry blossoms. The smell is just as strong as it was last year.

A turn
Selling rejection
Selling infection
Selling itself

I went to Barnes & Noble and bought a book on PHP and a book on graphics and video and sound blah blah. I bought No Doubt's first CD. I ate lunch at Tokyo Japanese Steakhouse (shrimp = win) and then I went to the little korean grocery store a few blocks away and got: a case of peach juice, lots of chow mein and tonkotsu ramen, and ramune soda.

Feeling blind
To all important scenes

I returned home to Lex's soothing love. She's more than amazing with my frivolous hours online and my coming and going. My not feeling anything for her has been replaced with a burning newborn star of respect. Because of this, I lay the words thick. She responds in like passion. "I love you too much to hold anything against you." What we're creating between us is pleasantly surprising.

There were no pretty words like the ones I give her for him. I hope he finds the cloy of Florida's humid heat to be eerily similar to the grip of hands around his neck.

*smiles*

Living in solo
Living is so low

OMG THE LITTLE WHITE BUGS ARE HERE! *runs outside, screaming in delight*

...Where are all of my friends going? ._.

Me: *sees Missa in hallway* >:O *points* YOU.
Melissa: Hey! *beckons*
Me: NO. YOU. I HATE YOU. NO. *walks off*

I got so angry that she let go of me that I acted like a little girl and I don't care. It felt good to yell at her across the hall and stomp away.

My mother's biological mother (one of the two psychos) sent me forty dollars. Why? I don't know, she's weird. Probably why we don't go to see her anymore. My mom mentioned that there's this gaming company that needs a new website, so I'm taking some initiative and calling them about it. Because Sawa likes money, especially if she gets it for doing things she likes doing. I'm also buying myself more coding language books because my brain is starved for something new.

Trent, sorrie I haven't e-mailed lately, I've been super busy with getting better and having Jade over again to werk on our projecty thing. Go outside and play wif your chalk, maybe it'll cheer you up. :3

And the circle repeats. Up down up down up down up down. Around. Around. Around. Around.

Rewind play. Rewind play. Rewind play. Same feelings. Same thoughts. Same questions.

"One day can make your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is is four or five days that change everything."

One down, three or four to go.

We are the music-makers.

And we are the dreamers of dreams.

I've run out of words. Time to escape to my bedroom.

I dreamt of a fever
One that would cure me of
This cold, winter-set heart
With heat to melt these frozen tears
And burn with reasons as to carry on
Into these twisted months
I plunge without a light to follow
But I swear that I would follow anything
Just get me out of here

But I fell for the promise
Of a life with a purpose
But I know that that's impossible now

And I give myself three days to feel better
Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff
Because if I can't learn to make myself feel better
How can I expect anyone else to give a shit?

And I scream for the sunlight
Or a car to take me anywhere
Just get me past this dead and eternal snow
Cause I swear that I'm dying
Slowly, but it's happening
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
Just take me there
And lie to me
And say it's gonna be alright

Lex wrote me a song.

:o

and you are next

In psychiatry, there's a certain condition known as the Delusion of Action. A condemned person gets the illusion that he might be reprieved at the very last minute.

Apathy. The main symptom of the second phase is a necessary mechanism of self-defense. Reality dimming, all efforts and all emotions are centered on one task: preserving one's own life.

What does the prisoner dream about most frequently? Of bread? Of cake? Of cigarettes and warm baths? The lack of having these simple desires satisfied leads him to seek wish fulfillment in dreams.

We must never forget that we can find meaning in life, even when confronted with this hopeless situation. When facing a fate that cannot be changed, that what matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

I am realizing that the plot to Kite has been exacted with perfect precision.

Hate and devour the young and the weaker ones
And don't forget the guns
You're gonna need them to go kill yourself

I am excellent at defacing myself.

Awaken to scalpels cutting your skin
They open you wide with their hands
Remove your heart and
Lay a blade in its place
Bring you back together with
Twin rows of holes and black thread
A violated and strengthless body left to
Lick stitched wounds with a dry tongue


Sean: It never fucking ends!
Adrienne: What doesn't?
Sean: Homework..
Adrienne: Blah. I'll trade you your homework for Josiah and all the shit he comes with.
Sean: I don't want THAT. And besides, you CHOOSE to put yourself through THAT hell. I HAVE to do this, or fail.
Adrienne: YOU THINK I CHOSE TO LOVE HIM?!
Sean: Okay, bad wording choice. You chose long ago not to break it off with him when it became obvious things were bad. Very, very, uncontrollably, irreparably, hopelessly bad.
Adrienne: Everything was and is out of control and very much out of my hands.
Sean: He's not an addictive drug, Adrienne, you could've broken it off long ago when I first advised it, as opposed to trying to fix something that had enough traits bear some semblance to love and romance. Then again I suppose that love is different in everyone's eyes.
Adrienne: Just because I attempted to let him go, and stopped talking to him, and blocked him numerous times does not mean I COULD let him go. He's always there.
Sean: Well, I always saw true love as a mutual thing. And considering he seemed to have only thought of you as a temporary and mildly entertaining diversion, I'd call it more of a one-sided devotion than romance. But that's logic talking, not emotions. I really don't know what romantic love is. Besides painful.
Adrienne: UTTERLY AND ALL-CONSUMINGLY PAINFUL.
Sean: Hey, I'm only going by what I see. And that's about accurate.
Adrienne: Yes.
Sean: Sorry you fell for a jack-ass, dear. Better luck next time.
Adrienne: There won't be a next time. If this ever happens again, I'll just kill them. Right after I kill Josiah.
Sean: You'd be surprised. It may take a while, but one day I'm sure you'll stop comparing every guy you meet to Josiah, therefore bringing up all that hate and abandonment that comes with.
Adrienne: No, I won't be surprised, because it's just not ever happening ever again. Ever. I don't compare. I don't even THINK of anyone like that.
Sean: EVERYtime you tell me about a guy Josiah's name comes up within 5 sentences tops.
Adrienne: Not anymore.
Sean: That has yet to be seen.
Adrienne: It won't be seen because it won't happen. I won't evern bring up anyone in that light ever again.


Tying yourself to me
Stitch up my emptiness
Cause you're the death of me

The tree-lined avenue
Begins to fade from view

Vick's VapoRub does not taste good.

Nobody wants you when you're alive

I love swings. I'm going to get a swingset put in my yard if I ever end up owning a house. Pockets full of sunset colored ladybugs pumping my legs hard and throwing myself off the seat into the trees and the wind never died not once. I loved that daycare.

Also: Blueberries. Snow. Fields. River. Sap on my hands and in my hair and dancing my little stuffed piggy across the table while I sucked down every single food product that can be made from apples. Frogs. Oh, the frogs. The wheat field and that ugly cold yellow jungle gym that no one used but to press your arms against two bars spaced just right and then step away and let your hands float up into the air.

I'm craving apple juice and graham crackers.

Need me to fall down so you can climb up

When you put sodium carbonate into a mixture of phenolphthalein, antacid, and ferric ammonium sulfate, the sodium carbonate turns bright purple for a split second. That is the most beautiful color of purple I have ever seen and I would spend a fortune recreating that color every day until I die.

Come shove the sun aside

"I enjoyed talking with him, too. About the pathetic society we live in. About morons on the road. About how Odin's head is going to be disconnected from his body. About how he's kidding, don't look at him like that."

Eeheehee.

<3 Aya

Trent: i bought some sidewalk chalk. i am going to recreate my favorite part of your site and take a picture and send it to you
Sawa: :3 YAY. dammit, i need to get chalk this summer. i was going to do it last year, but last year i couldn't drive. there's so much concrete everywhere. i want to cover it all.
Trent: indeed
Sawa: too much gray here. in summer, there will be no gray.
Trent: i love playing with chalk......CRAYOLA BUCKET: 25 BRILLIANT COLORS
Sawa: woooooo.
Trent: wee...

X3

Kill me.

Neva's in a nursing home, practically dead.

.......I get my car real soon. :3

The foreward written by someone Vasquez knows mentions letting the inner monster out in your head, because if you don't let it out there, it's likely to come out in real life. It says we all have monsters inside aching to get out. So I made a room to murder in. My monster, that curiously unreachable Angel of years past, has taken the form of a nameless man that gives me the blades and watches from across the floor, taking me into his arms when it's all over and there's blood and bone and saliva on my hands, and the body's mangled beyond recognition and hanging from the restraints like a doll, and then, per the foreward, I give my wonderful monster a high-five, and leave the room feeling much better.

*giggles*

Guess who was first.

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all

Here's to two months. Or three months or six months or three years.

I don't know.

The razors and the dying roses
Plead I don't leave you alone
The demi-gods and hungry ghosts and god
God knows I am not at home
I'll never find someone quite like you again
I'll never find someone quite like you again

I am lost
So I am cruel

One of Chris' friends died. Lex's uncle died too. And she's personally tattooing my name into her.

*sighs*



(You need to understand that my writing failing to please has nothing to do with this. I don't care who likes my writing and who doesn't, only how much money I could make from it.)

I cut myself and cut myself and cut myself. I hate everything and I wish that pressing this razor down as far as it will go would kill me but it won't.

Ending with letting go
Just pretend, happy end

"I used to be in school taking 17-20 credits and work full time. I did this for over two years straight. Well since I found out that I was pregnant I stopped going to school."

Word Riot never got back to me.

TMN never got back to me.

I hate the world.

"Not...grasping. She speaks of my manliness. But in ...what... a negative way? Confusion!"

And Johnny makes it aaaaall better.

Jhoh and I fuck. "Can I see more pictures of you?" I give him the cute ones.
Jhoh and I fuck. It's 4:17. I stare at my shoelaces between responses.
Jhoh and I fuck. He likes anal sex. This does not bother me.

I'm here saying nothing

I can remember how Josiah--...

...I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Went shopping. Jeans sizes eat my self-esteem. Raye and I mused on the fact that we stay the same size, and the jeans keep getting smaller. She used to be a three; she's become a seven in the two years I've known her. That is sickening. Even worse is the fact that I can't buy sevens anymore unless they're the stretch-fitted kind, even though I have sevens that are a mere year old and they fit fine. I have FIVES I can fit in, barely worn from freshman year, and yet I can't fit in these fucking sevens, I'm saying to myself. We compared the jeans I had on (the nines I bought a month or so ago, attempting the baggy look) and the nines I had her get. Mine were noticeably bigger. Taking into account stretching, we compared Lei's sevens to another Lei cut of sevens in the store. One was noticeably smaller than the other. I despise the fashion industry.

I am a member of Poem Ranker. The people there annoy me to no end, and I do believe this conversation sums up the entire website.


zzinnia66 19-Nov-02, 06:40 AM
translation please?

Nicholas Jones 19-Nov-02, 06:55 AM
Translated, it would roughly mean:

I have to go out.
I don't like, he doesn't understand.
I have no problem.

But it really does lose something in translation. Actually, it was just some phrases I remember from my Welsh classes. But they sound nice together.

wSettlew 19-Nov-02, 09:28 AM
I THINK ALL WELSH POETS COULD LEARN A VALUABLE LESSON FROM DYLAN THOMAS. I.E. INGLES POR FAVOR!! IN ALL SERIOUSNESS THOUGH I ENJOYED THIS POEM A GREAT DEAL. YOU DON'T DISCOVER MEANING WITH A DICTIONARY - A WORD IS MEANINGLESS IF ONLY DEFINED BY OTHER WORDS...SORT OF A GODEL INCOMPLETENESS TYPE DEAL...SO THEREFORE WHAT ONE IS LEFT WITH AS FAR AS MEANING IS CONCERNED IS ONE'S REACTIONS TO THE WORDS, AND A POEM LIKE THIS FORCES US TO LISTEN TO AND FEEL WHAT WE WOULD OTHERWISE PASS OVER IN SILENCE. FRANKLY THE PROPER MEANING OF A WORD IS INSIGNIFICANT TO ME MOST OF THE TIME - WHAT IS MORE IMMEDIATELY AFFECTING IS THE CONTEXT WITHIN WHICH THE WORD IS NORMALLY USED, THE SOUND THAT IT MAKES...THE VIBRANT AND VARIED SHADES OF MEANING WHICH DISTINGUISH YOUR WORD CHOICE FROM THE OTHER 100 WORDS YOU COULD HAVE USED IN IT'S PLACE IF YOU HAD GONE BY THE BOOK. IN THIS SENSE, POETRY, OR PROSE WITH DELICATE ECONOMY, IS A PROCESS IN WHICH WORDS ARE CHOSEN AND BY THIS ACT ALONE EXALTED. THIS PROCESS IS MADE ARTFULLY CLEAR IN THIS POEM, AT LEAST TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WELSH, FAR MORE THAN IN MANY OTHER POEMS OF LENGTH OR QUALITY. IN THIS POEM YOU HAVE MADE THE POETIC PROCESS APPARENT, AND IN CHOOSING TO DO SO HAVE EXALTED THE POETIC PROCESS IN A TRULY ELEGANT AND UNIQUE MANNER - THE WORK IS SELF JUSTIFIED - BEAUTIFULLY SIMPLE AND SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL. SO IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT YOU'RE A COMPLETE FUCKWIT.

UnityMitford 19-Nov-02, 10:44 AM
spoken like a true jackoff. and this: THE PROPER MEANING OF A WORD IS INSIGNIFICANT TO ME MOST OF THE TIME, might be the most pretentious thing i've ever heard. love, a complete fuckwit.

wSettlew 19-Nov-02, 01:44 PM
YOU MUST BE NEW HERE.

Sawa: :O XD
Jade: OMG NO
Sawa: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA
Jade: -makes stupid typiong just toget away from looking at it- OH GOD THE HORRAR
Sawa: *spee spee spee*
Jade: THE UGLEENESS. AFLWDKrjeowirejrjpere. lol ..-squeeeeeeeeee.-

She's right, we have made our own language.

Sean: You really are something else.

:3

...My foot's so numb I can't move it at all, let alone feel anything. This is going to hurt like a bitch.

That's right, bitches.

PWNED.

This is the first winter in recorded history it hasn't snowed. First winter without him. I blame it on you.

I'm just sitting down
Thinking about nothing
Looking at the thin air
Breathing up the oxygen

Josiah and Trent dance to I Know by Fiona Apple at their wedding in my head. She rests her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes. Nothing hurts anymore. Not even Jade's backlashes. Blank as snow. Blank as the summer sky. Blank as my words. Tabla rasa, baby.

Sunny Day Real Estate - The Shark's Own Private Fuck

We choke on the poison wind
Well these sad eyes can tell the story
Walk along an empire's path
And you said you'd come back again
But you talk to yourself
Believing the fear that drives your greed
When you discover the empty place
A hollow world of instant pleasures

The way you were so disturbed
What's your worth?

Try to smile as they devour our youth

With a diamond eye you gaze
At the blackened plains spread out beneath you
When the lights go out you'll see
The world as you have never known it
And I talked to myself
Believing that you would come back again

The way you were so disturbed
What's your worth?
What is it you heard?

Try to smile as they devour our youth

Francis Bacon scares the fuck out of me.

Jade strikes again.

Let me give you the story.

We always argue. Fact of life. (Remind you of anyone?) We had a conversation a few days ago in which her writing came up. She had mentioned a few times before about how shitty she thinks it is. She said it was because of one thing (I don't remember what), and I said that wasn't it. She asked me, "Well what is it then?!" I told her my opinion, that her sentences are weighted down with dark wordy phrases, and they seem to weight a hundred times more in your mind than other things one reads. She then tells she doesn't care, what if she wants it that way? And she tells me she didn't ask for my opinion. And then goes off on hypocrisy, or something. The conversation quickly changed topics, and the blatant and overlooked contradiction I dropped with the utmost ease. Our arguments almost always spawn from misunderstandings.

...And then we had another spat. I asked her to write in her ITW journal, she said she didn't think I liked her writing. I said I never said I didn't like it. She said something unnecessarily snotty about the previous argument, and then said she was too bitter to talk, goodbye.

This resulted:

Thursday, March 6th, 2003

Subject: Fix me.
Time: 10:14 pm.
Mood: self-admonishing.
Music: "Fix me now," Garbage.

(Things don't have to be this way..
Catch me on a better day.)

Bury me above the clouds
all the way from here
Take away the things I need
Take away my fear
Hide me in a hollow sound
Happy evermore
Everything I had to give
gave out long before

Fix me now
I wish you would
Bring me back to life
Kiss me blind somebody should
from hollow into light

Crashing silent broken down
Falling into night
Who gave up and who gave in
I'll go without a fight
Cut me down or cut me dead
Cut me in or out
Kiss me blind time after time
Take away my doubt

Fix me now
I wish you would
Bring me back to life
Kiss me blind somebody should
from hollow into light

(Things don't have to be this way..
Catch me on a better day.)

Nowhere only down from here
Pick me off the floor
Take away the things I dream
One time one place one more

Fix me now
I wish you would
Bring me back to life
Kiss me blind somebody should
from hollow into light

(Things don't have to be this way..
catch me on a better day.)


...I should be smacking myself right now for how I feel.

I feel unloved.

-sighs softly- And it's the most idiotic thing I think I've ever done.

Look at these notes! -gestures to all the love in the words-

I keep reading them over and over and over but all I can think about is having to leave.

I can't believe the pessimism I feel right now. I think it may be my lack of energy, but that's hardly been a contributing factor to this feeling I get so often.

I think you all spoil me too much. The more you give me, the more I crave your attentions.

But don't even think about letting up. I think I would wilt.

And why do tears spill from my eyes? It makes no sense.

Did something cause me to begin weeping? This is reasonless, this is illogical. I'm bleeding again, and it tears me apart because I stare at the red and feel immensely satisfied...only to come back, and feel ashamed for worrying the ones that I love, the ones that love me.

I wish that I hadn't screwed myself over at some point in time, but there were contributing factors. I won't visit them right now--it would be a complete disaster.

-sobs in frustration- I can only help but feel ashamed for pitying myself. Isn't there anything I can write that doesn't contain some amount of pain? My endless whining must begin to sound trite.

Why do you all come back to read this?

God damn it.

I just want to curl into myself or let one of you hold me, but no one's here.

And you all can't help it because your time zones are different. You have things to do. It's normal like that.

I can only blame myself for this.

I listen to my own sounds of weeping that I wish was silent, but the whimpering and the fevered breath trickle through my highest walls.

I wish I didn't feel. At least, not like this. I'm stuck, and I'm sliding back into the hole that I dug myself so long ago before I came here.

And I'll probably snap at anyone that tries to reach a hand down to pull me out. Let me drown in here. Look at the bubbles that float to the surface, and wait for them to stop rising.

Just watch me drown for once. It's amusing. You might learn something from it.

If you pull me out, sputtering and coughing, I'll only revert back to this very, very quickly.

I want to break myself into a million pieces. Like a mirror. And then you'd see little deformed images of yourself reflected in my bloody shards, and realized that I am composed entire of bits and pieces of everyone I know. Even you. Even as you read this.

There's one shred of myself that's completely my own, and even that has been beat into place by time and consequence. I want to set fire to it and turn it to ashes because I despise it.

I am so sick of people sitting there and flattering themselves, having the gall to try and share their overflowing bucket of confidence with me. They like to pour it over my head and think they can extinguish the flames that I'm composed of like so many candle flames.

It used to never work because I didn't believe the words they used to highten themselves on their ugly platform shoes, but in this state I'm beginning to lose.

And the flames are out.

I wish I wasn't wet...it's so much easier to set fire to dry skin.

Just...breathe.

Breathe.

Die. Die. Die.

I wish I could scream. I wish I could beat myself to a bloody pulp.

But I'm too much of a coward, and still too sane to really do it.

Maybe in a week or so, if this keeps going.

I see tears dripping onto my desk and pouring from the edge..like rain.

Wouldn't that be awful if my tears were your weather? You'd all be soaked in lukewarm saltwater until you'd be swimming in the ocean.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of everything but the people I love. They're the people I need, and every time this happens they're never here. And it's not their fault.

I blame myself for this. Yes, my self.

Stop wallowing in your self pity, idiot.

Stop wallowing.

But I just can't help it. I just can't stop. I can't stop.

Make it go away, someone, as soon as you can. I'm exhausted, I need all of you, one of you, any of you.

Come dry my tears so that I won't drown in them?

I know I say I want to, but I'm terrified.

Cold, alone, in the dark, back to a corner.

Can you hear me screaming?

---

Comment Left:

The animals are swimming around
In the water
In the oceans
In our bodies
And another had been found
Another ocean on the planet
Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic
And how

I'm nothing. Pretty-worded little nothing. (That ought to make Ty happy.) You and your them, so far away from you all the time.

If you're going to be bitter, as you claimed, don't even say anything, just leave without goodbye.

---

Friday, March 7th, 2003

Time: 9:58 am.

"The animals are swimming around
In the water
In the oceans
In our bodies
And another had been found
Another ocean on the planet
Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic
And how

I'm nothing. Pretty-worded little nothing. (That ought to make Ty happy.) You and your them, so far away from you all the time.

If you're going to be bitter, as you claimed, don't even say anything, just leave without goodbye."

I think the only reason I'm actually glad that I may not be able to use a computer in France is that so I can get away from people that would like to shoot me in the face while I'm already wheezing in grief. I won't have to see words like this because I could just...not write back on the paper.

Did I ask you for your opinion?

I apologized for being a bit rude.

You always seem to blow up at me for reasons I can't control. Am I not allowed to do the same out of error?

You frustrate me. Incredibly so. Maybe after we work on our project we should spend some time AWAY FROM EACHOTHER.

-sighs-

It wasn't something I needed to hear when I was choking and I still am.

It wasn't something that I needed to hear.

Do you want me to bleed more? So be it. I'll bleed. Just to show you how fucking sorry I am.

There. Are you happy now? I hope you feel really good.

---

Jesus Christ, it's Friday already? I can't even remember yesterday. All of these days look the same no matter how erratic everyone behaves. My apologies, Jade, for not coddling and pitying you when everyone else does. All of this is already behind me and here we are dragging behind us shovels with which to unearth the buried tortures of past rhetoric. Yee-fucking-haw. Pay attention, boys and girls, it's time soon for a little verbal tap dancing.