I ran into Midori Kami San in the hallway during my lunch. He was skipping Computer Science, said that everyone was being stupid today, and he was supposed to meet someone anyway. We talked for a little while, then showed me the text RPG he programmed on his laptop. Let me play for a bit. I skittered off gleefully after his friends arrived.

Skip ahead to after school. I get on the bus, plop down next to him all smiles because, well, talking to him is the only enjoyable part of my day around real people. He says his friend stole his bag, so he stole her bag, and we rummage through it, find mints, a CD player and a cell phone to play with. He stays on the bus longer than he needs to. We play with the cell settings as he listens to my CD, saying that Gakuto's Lu:Na was good. *nod* And right before he got off, he took my right hand and drew on it.

I'm smitten.

(Shh, don't tell.)

Hayley: Can i ask you some QUESTIONS?
Sawa: SURE :O
Hayley: its for global issues...
Sawa: okay
Hayley: Do you think clothes brands matter?
Sawa: nope.
Hayley: do you think girls SHOULD wear makeup?
Sawa: only if they want to. so no, i guess.
Hayley: do you think it makes a difference?
Sawa: nope.
Hayley: do you think cell phones make you "cool"?
Sawa: no
HayleyMajayley: do you think the plege of allegiance is a good thing?
Sawa: no.
Hayley: did you know it is the law to recite it at social gatherings?
Sawa: no. that's gay. that's hetero, rather. :P
Hayley: hehe. do you think drinking/drugs are bad?
Sawa: bad how?
Hayley: in general .... just bad...
Sawa: .....that's pretty vague.
Hayley: yeah... well.... im lame andi make lame questions
Sawa: oh. okay. yes, i suppose
Hayley: do you think they arent if you use them "responsibly"
Sawa: ....no
Hayley: do you drive? if you are under 16 do you want to?
Sawa: no yes.
Hayley: do you think highschool relationships are important?
Sawa: nope. :D
Hayley: do you think popularity matters?
Sawa: nope.
Hayley: do you have a job?
Sawa: kinda ..yeah.
Hayley: eheh. how do you get most of your money?
Sawa: parents.
Hayley: do you care much about money?
Sawa: not really
Hayley: do you do your homework?
Sawa: yes
Hayley: are your grades important to you?
Sawa: no
Hayley: do you listen to a lot of music?
Sawa: yes
Hayley: do you tihnk different types matter? again with my sucky qwestions :)
Sawa: types like what
Hayley: ummmm like rap rock techno goth rock death pop types types
Sawa: kind of.
Hayley: do you think manners are important?
Sawa: no
Hayley: hehe do you try to use good ones?
Sawa: ..no
Hayley: thanks :) allll done!
Sawa: glad to help XD

Kids are here, bothering me about when I'll be done with my homework. Steve tore the remote out of my clawing hands and changed the channel from Aimée and Jaguar to bland primetime television. Blasphemy against the Good Taste gods. Primetime is nothing but mindlessness, and while I do enjoy watching an episode of Will and Grace every other month or so, all of it can be neatly shoved under the rug with labels from the small spectrum that begins with morals and ends with titillation.

*may or may not have added another illegal app to computer*

Ohoho. It'll help with my project greatly. So it's all peachy keen.

Webcam = Stephanie, in all her nine year old glory.

I fell asleep again.

FUCK.

Avoiding Responsibility 101:

Steve: Adrienne, you need to do the dishes.
Me: That's really great that you're on top of the detailed workings of this household, Steve, but it's just too bad that I've suddenly gone deaf and didn't hear a word you said. *runs away before anyone can say anything*

The best part of high school is the massive flow of notes to and from everyone you know. I can't tell you how much better notes from people make my day.

And here I was trying to convince myself otherwise. OH WELL. Jade goes on the same list as Missy. The end.

I don't see why it surprises me to find out that people like Jaime are smart. Sometimes. We talked all of Geometry. She's nice. *nod*

I need new music.

Oh, and I need to write in my secret place too. Bah.

WAI!

OMG D00D TODAY R0XX0RZ!

Patrick's going to the party with me yay! ^^

http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?216380424

*nod*

Listening to: the entirety of Mozart's 5th Symphony
Feeling: slightly angry/upset

Paradox Lain: i moved around a lot. i'm met a lot of people. i have a long history of sexual abuse. the first instance was in fourth grade. i was punished for speaking out. more of them, around ten or so, occured inbetween then till aaron, when i was still 15, i guess. one of them involved just a little of my brother, but was mostly my father's girlfriend's son, and that went on for two years. the only way i can be classified as a virgin is because i still have my hymen. he wasn't big enough then to break it. i've never known anyone outside my family for longer than two years. i never had friends because of our moving. i never made any sort of connection with anyone. i've always read to get me through everything, and from my ostracism was born the polishing of my intelligence. every time i get close to someone i fuck it up. so i just don't. for fear of hurting people.
Paradox Lain: and i do hurt everyone, whether i like it or not.
Paradox Lain: i need my spiral back. running out of paper. if you can't stand to look at me, or talk to me, or be around me, then you can just leave it with someone and i can get it from them.
J Yuka Yuy: -nods-
Paradox Lain: so, there. you know just a little now. do with it what you want. but what i told you is the basis of everything i do, hidden behind everything is pain and anger and fright.
Paradox Lain: and i give up. i'm sorry i can't be whatever you wanted me to be.
J Yuka Yuy: I never wanted you to be anything. I just needed you to be nice to me.
J Yuka Yuy: That's all. And then you criticize everything I do, call me names. Look at me like I'm an idiot for all my actions.
J Yuka Yuy: I'm fed up with the shit you dish out everyday, so I'm simply not taking it anymore.
Paradox Lain: what did it matter what i showed, if you weren't showing me yourself? that was my logic.
Paradox Lain: it didn't matter what i did because i was reacting to who you weren't, or so you say.
J Yuka Yuy: You're irrationalizing what I say. Once again. That's what's the basis of my aggravation and intolerance towards you.
Paradox Lain: then tell me what to think.
J Yuka Yuy: I am so annoyed, so irritated...that I can't put up with it anymore.
J Yuka Yuy: I don't tell people what to do.
Paradox Lain: i'm asking you to help me fix this.
J Yuka Yuy: There is no fixing it because the root of this problem is who you are.
J Yuka Yuy: I should have seen it coming. But I didn't because I was busy with other things to notice.
Paradox Lain: i thought you wanted me to act like i did. i guess i shouldn't have thought that.
Paradox Lain: i'm sorry, for whatever that's worth.
J Yuka Yuy: Well.
J Yuka Yuy signed off at 8:21:42 PM.

This can also be summed up in the following:

Jade: OMG ADRIENNE UR SO STUPID FOR TRYING TO USE LOGIC ON THIS CAUSE YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ANNOYING NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO AND WE'RE SKIPPING RIGHT OVER MY HYPOCRISY CAUSE I DON'T CARE OMG.
Me: ...Dude. Lame. <:

Why? Seriously, why? Why'd you disregard your hypocrisy, why didn't you set me straight, why did you just let it go, why didn't you clarify? Why don't you want to fix it? Why can't you see this for what it is, why are you so overcome by distaste to not think of anything else but throwing the entire thing away?

Why do I care?

Because I do. I care about you, Jade. I didn't mean to hurt you, excuse me for fucking up, excuse my inept way of handling your mixed signals, excuse me not knowing what you meant sometimes even when you expected me to. Excuse me for wasting your time. Excuse me for caring, I guess.

I'm patient of this plan
As humble as I can
I'll wait another day
Before I turn away
But know this much is true
No matter what I do
Offend in every way
I don't know what to say

I can't even talk to Robbie. (Yeah, I know, I know, fuck off. He talked to me first.) He's... just... different in a weird way that I can't even handle. It's the drugs, maybe. Or the anti-depressants. All I know is I can't bring myself to talk to him like myself. He's just so fucking strange, he feels like a house that someone's been murdered in. He feels tainted and disfigured. He feels alien. I hate that feeling. I hate this way he talks now, like he has something better to be doing.

I wish I didn't have to fucking deal with any of you people. The only reason I wish I was DEAD all the god damn TIME is because it gets me away from you people and your SHIT.

Anyway.

Paradox Lain: http://shojojisatsu.netfirms.com/Image177.jpg :O
SorataGeo: OMGWTF
SorataGeo: That's... genki. Where the hell is Adrienne?

Where the hell am I?

...And when did Patrick get so shibby?

Sawa suggested we go for a drive in her new 2-door BMW coupe. In the parking lot, we slipped into her bucket seats. Sawa took over from there. At nearly 90 miles per hour she zipped us up to that windy edge, known to some as Mullholland, that sinuous road running the ridge of the Santa Monica Mountains, where she then proceeded to pump her vehicle in and out of turns, sometimes dropping down to 50 miles per hour, only to immediately gun it back up to 90 again. Fast, slow, fast fast slow. Sometimes a wide turn, sometimes a quick one. She preferred the tighter ones. The sharp controlled jerks, swinging left to right before driving back to the right, only so she could do it all over again until after enough speed, and enough wind, and more distance than I had been prepared to expect, taking me to parts of the city I rarely think of and never visit...

I can't remember the inane things I started babbling about then, I know it didn't really matter, she wasn't listening. She just yanked up on the emergency brake, dropped her seat back, and told me to lie on top of her. On top of those leather pants of hers, extremely expensive leather pants, mind you, her hands immediately guiding mine over those soft, slightly oily folds, positioning my fingers on the shiny metal tab, small and round, like a tear, then murmuring a murmur so inaudible that even though I could feel her lips tremble against my ear, she seemed far, far away. Pinch it, she said, which I did, lightly, until she also said pull it, which I also did, gently parting the teeth, one at a time, down under and beneath, the longest unzipping of my life...

We never even kissed, or looked into each other's eyes, our lips just trespassed on those inner labyrinths hidden deep within our ears, filled them with the private music of wicked words, hers in many languages, mine in the off-color of my only tongue, until, as our tones shifted and our consonants spun and squealed, rabbled faster, hesitated, raced harder, syllables soon melting into groans or moans, finding purchase in new words, or old words, or made-up words, until we gathered up our heat and refused to release it, enjoying too much the dark lane which we had suddenly stumbled upon, prayed to, carved to, not a communication really, but a channeling of our rumored desires, hers for all I know gone to black forests and wolves, mine banging back to the familiar form, that great revenant mystery I still could only hear the shape of, which in spite of our separate lusts and individual prize, still continued to drive us deeper into stranger tones, our mutual desire to keep gripping the burn. Fueled by sound, hers screeching, mine... I didn't hear mine, only hers, probably counter-pointing mine. A high pitched cry, then a whisper dropping unexpectedly, to practically a bark, a grunt, whatever, no sense anymore, and suddenly no more curves either, just the straightaway. Too bad dark languages rarely survive...

Name changed, to fit one of the many roads of life. Of my life. This is very much not mine.

[Now l I've got a mind full of wicked designs.]
[I've got a non-stop hole in my head: imagination.]
[I'm in a building that has two thousand floors.]
[And when they all fall down.]
[I think you know it's you they're falling for.]
[I can't forget I am a sole architect.]
[I built the shadows here.]
[I built the growling voice I fear.]
[You add it up but to do better than that.]
[You've got to follow me.]
[Hey, pretty.]
[Don't you wanna take a ride with me?]

...God dammit, where are you? You know who you are. Why aren't you here?

And now I sleep. Tomorrow night's going to be long. And tomorrow, I'm writing my plans in a place none of you know exist.

1. Are you a circulating-LJ-test-taker?: mochiron.
2. Do you post your results?: mochiron.
3. Do you believe your results?: sometimes.
4. Are you annoyed easily?: not really.
5. By what?: it takes a lot of everything to annoy me. that, or you can be absolutely stupid and common sense-less. AND THE PHONE OH MY GODS THE PHONE IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE MAKE IT STOP. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND WHY IS THE PHONE RINGING EVERY MINUTE?! AGH.
7. Have you ever had a "Friday I'm In Love" week?: yes.
8. Do you know what a "Friday I'm In Love" week is?: not a clue.
9. Do you have an addiction?: yes.
10. To?: taisa. j-anything. k-pop. import/sapporo ichiban ramen. my computer. torturing people.
11. Do you ever find yourself browsing in stores of things you don't particularly like, but in hopes of finding something you will anyway?: yes.
12. Do you like traditional name-age-location-favorites surveys or more original ones?: original is good.
13. Do you prefer long or short surveys?: doesn't matter, as long as they're interesting/make me unbored.
14. Do you answer in a trite yes-no fashion or are you more explanatory?: trite when i'm wasting time till something more exciting happens, and explanatory when i damn well feel like it.
15. Do you listen to the radio much?: nope.
16. Do you listen to online radio stations?: only if they're japanese.
17. Do DJs annoy you?: very much so, yes.
18. Do guys named DJ annoy you?: we won't go into that.
19. Does the DNS Error page ("Your page cannot be found") annoy you?: sometimes, like when i'm trying to find something that the search results only show three websites for. like lyrics.
20. Do you ever yell at your computer when it doesn't cooperate?: no. it always cooperates, because i never do anything wrong, and if i do, i find the problem and fix/remove it promptly. (like that small episode with installing the second hard drive. stupid jumper set on seconday slave...)
21. Do you attempt to negotiate with it so that it will behave?: it behaves or i don't sexxor it.
22. Do you talk to inanimate objects?: all the god damn time.
23. Maliciously?: like you wouldn't believe.
24. Do you talk to your pets?: mainichi.
25. Do they make little gestures that make them appear to be listening/interested/understanding?: yes and it's cute ^-^
26. Are you a poet?: hai!
27. Are you an artist?: mochiron.
28. Are you a (*shudder*) athlete?: yuck.
29. Do you wish you were any of the above?: no.
30. Are you malicious toward homosexuals?: all the time.
31. Toward members of other races?: no.
32. Toward KKK members?: i've never met any. i make it a habit not to associate with people from alabama.
33. Toward foreigners?: no.
34. Toward that stuck up too-much-makeup chick that always gets in line in front of you somewhere and buys the last copy of whatever you were planning to, which won't be in stock again for six months?: overly malicious. if there is such a thing as too much malice.
35. Is the internet your plaything or your master?: master.
36. Do you have a shrine to anything/one?: tony. it's in my closet, next to my own bound and gagged aya chan.
37. Are you particularly irked by the 'crouton or bacon bits' question on about every survey in existence?: if that question is in the survey, i don't take it. that rules out approximately 99.9999999% of all the surveys i see.
38. Is there a different common survey question that irks you as mentioned above?: "what do you think about homosexuals?"
39. What is your current favorite song?: ...bah. i have this fascination with datte, daisuki dakara. the opening from tenshi ni narumon. bugger. so cute. *plays song again*
40. Does it change fairly often?: yep.
41. Daily?: OMG UR READING MY MIND.
42. Do you ever find yourself afraid of your own individuality?: nevar.
43. Music - 80s or 90s?: 90s. all things 80's should be shot. you heard me.
44. Are you repulsed by burping?: feh. it... happens. *shrugs*
45. Do you make it a humorous practice in casual settings?: only when i'm with spam. because we rate ours.
46. Have you ever had an online relationship?: numerous.
47. If so, where/how did you meet him/her?: uh... online. ha ha.
48. Would you say they're plausible and/or work?: not for long.
49. Do you burn CDs?: daily.
50. Do you feel guilty of depriving musicians of the money they would otherwise get for their work?: good gods, no.
51. Do you think people made too big of a deal out of the Napster issue?: it shouldn't have been any sort of deal in the first place.
52. Do you just not care either way?: i want my music. i die without my music. TAKE AWAY MY MUSIC AND YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH. EVERYONE WILL SUFFER. [/Teh Ring mockery]
53. Are Sunday nights a disappointment?: hell yes, they are.
54. Is the intense randomness of these questions annoying?: nope. ^^ me <3 random.
55. Has your presence ever inspired silence in a chat room?: one too many times.
56. Has your presence ever inspired silence in real life?: hee hee hee.. only when i get loud/perverted/hyper.
57. Are you amused by small things?: yes ^^
58. Are you sad?: not often, anymore.
59. Are you hyper?: mochiron.
60. Are you apathetic?: hai!
61. Do you want me to just refer to your 'current mood'?: lol... yes.
62. Do you have a ball?: yeh.
63. Do you have a crystal ball?: no.
64. Can you scry?: like a fox.
65. Did you ever want an impossible job as a kid (i.e., 'I wanna be a monster when I grow up!')?: yes! ^^ i was inspired by brak. "When I grow up, I wanna be a piece of paper!"
66. Are the windows in your house dirty?: no.
67. Do you intend to clean them?: not my job.
68. Do you have a perfect lawn?: no.
69. Is there someone near you who devotes their life to their lawn?: no.
70. Is there anyone you truly, intently hate?: i hate indiscriminately. for the most part. :D
71. Is there anyone you truly, unconditionally love?: ...yeah...
72. Do you blush at nudity in art/film/etc.?: no.
73. Does it depend on context?: no.
74. Do you like lace?: ITCHY. [/memories of bad panty experience]
75. Do you like bows?: only if they're part of the school girl uniform.
76. What do you think of men in women's clothing?: WAI MANA CHAN WAI NURIKO CHAN WAI WAI WAI!
77. What do you think of women in men's clothing?: kakkoii no da.
78. Do you think the comparison of the last two answers is unfair?: everything's unfair.
79. Do you prefer elevators or escalators?: elevators. you can pop out and scare people.
80. Do you ever go up the down escalator or vice versa?: every single time i find one.
81. Do you like department stores?: yeah ^^
82. Do you like thrift stores?: ...i can't remember the last time i was in one.
83. Do you feel you're not 'hip' or 'cool' if you don't spend at least $20 on a relatively small article of clothing with a large brand name screaming for attention somewhere on it?: YSE OMG. :O!
84. Do you like to wear figure-hugging (not necessarily tight) or more concealing clothes?: *blinks* a bit of both... most of my shirts are figure-hugging. and my one pair of jeans is fitted, cause they look cool and girly like that with my vans.
85. Are you content with your life as of right now?: no. no no no.
86. If no, what would make it more so?: taisa. money. camera. license. car.
87. Does your moral code follow something that was presented to you early in your life?: moral? what's that?
88. Does your belief system?: i am not familiar with your "belief system".
89. Is drinking coffee your idea of really cool?: gak. no. i only drink coffee when i can't wake up fast enough.
90. Do you expect some crazy chick to notice you?: ...yes.
91. Are you affectionate when you're in a relationship with someone?: like a little kitten.
92. Do you ever find yourself staring curiously at simple things you've lived with for almost all your life?: yeah.
93. Do you use scissors on a daily basis?: >:D
94. Do you have a pet that attempts to (or actually does) claim dominance in the household?: i used.. to... hobbes... kun.... *sigh*
95. If so, does it amuse you or frustrate you?: it amused me so. he'd walk on the counters when we weren't looking, claw at the carpets, hiss at the dogs, sleep where he wanted to (oh, 'specially on his back in the middle of my bed ^^ but i'd just snuggle up around him), sit where you were about to sit down, and stare at you like you were a moron if you tried to get him off.
96. Have you enjoyed filling out this survey?: kinda.
97. Are you still bored?: yeah <:\
98. Do you wish this was longer?: not really.
99. Do you want to write one now?: ech. no.
100. What are your plans after clicking 'post'?: going bowling/ddring/dancemania-ing with people i know. right. *wanders off*

Girl: *stares at chemistry powerpoint project* The link's so long it runs off the slide...
Me: *glances over* Uh... you do know that you can remove the ask.com frame so you have the actual website URL, right?
Girl: Do what?
Me: Here, click on the window.
Girl: Uh...
Me: No, the browser window. Now click on remove frame... And that's the actual URL.
Girl: Wow... You are my, like... I love you.
Daniel: Well, who doesn't love Adrienne?
Me: Indeed. :D

Here I am, walking into Geometry, and Mr. Green hair and two of his friends are gathered around his Palm Pilot as he reads off the binary for 1337 H4X0R. GOD. DAMN. IT. I want to talk to him. *weeps*

Now to sit in Friday Skool for three hours and edit and rewrite Found. ^^ Erica sensei read it through for me, wrote me notes (see webcam), and felt exactly what I did, that it went too quickly, and that I should expand a lot of it. And so I will.

T: This weekend. Bowling alley. Not formally planned. BE THERE.
S: which bowling alley, fag?
T: The only bowling alley we ever go to.
S: oh. okay. when what day how?
T: XD 'bout 1, Saturday, GYOR.
S: can do.

I need more Mountain Dew.

Sadism a la Missy. :D

Posted at 2002-10-23 19:08:00

-nothing's real, and nothing lasts-
good lord. anyone remember my rant about all the things trenton does? now he informs me that he has a job teaching snowboarding. starts training in november, starts working in january. ( not like he even is close to needing the money. )

er. whatever.

Comments:

[Me.]
Makes you wonder...
...how he'll have any time for you.

[Her reply.]
at least mine lives in the same state. same town. goes to the same school & has a class with me. oh yeah, and he loves me.

how about them apples?

what do you think you're going to accomplish with your mediocre attempts at lowering my self-esteem? do you think i really care what you have to say? let's think about that..

mm, no.

i don't see why you waste my time.

---

Yes, I think it's safe to say I feel good about the place that I have made in the world today. I get all sticky inside when I close my eyes and I open up wide. I see pictures in the clouds, so obscene I gotta laugh out loud. I look back to find my way, reminisce and laugh about the good old days.

When I saw my brother above me, I remember the words he said. "When you dream you hit bottom, chances are good you're gonna wake up dead." I'll be up on top when the sky falls down and it all goes wrong again. I will be sitting on top when it all goes wrong.

Yes, I think it's safe to say I feel good about the sins that I inflict on my own skin. I pay money to cut and burn pictures like the lessons that I need to learn. I see faces on the ceiling, I see them move, I hear them singing. I lay laughing here by myself, and think about the time that I spent in hell.

When I saw my brother below me, I remember the words he said. "When you need to wake up happy, you better sleep right in your own warm bed." I'll be singing in the rain when my bed's on fire and it all goes wrong again. I will be singing in the rain when it all goes wrong.

Where are you gonna be when it all comes down? What are you gonna do when it all comes down on you?

I'll be sitting on top of the world when it all goes wrong again. I will be sitting on top when the sky falls down and it all goes wrong again.

...Gods, I miss dancing.

*siiigh*

Snow... I want snow...

I so forgot how well some of the webcomic people I know can draw.

Dammit, I have to stay after and do my psych test. And tomorrow, friday school. I can't talk to Mr. Green Hair. *weeps*

Skill to add to skillz list: Able to write psych papers at 11th grade reading level.

James, I'm sorry I couldn't call you. Had too much homework. But I'll call you on the morrow, I promise. ^^

*runs off to drown in mountain dew*

...This obsession with Yaen isn't healthy.

Mr. Green Hair on my bus talked to me! ^^ He was all nice and quiet just like me and we talked about how he listens to Ayu chan and about anime and he convinced me to start watching Witch Hunter Robin. ^^ Haha, and his name's Keith. His mp3 player is all cool and his clothes are too. ^^ And he has this laptop he has with him at all times that he said he was going to start putting anime on.

Oh, and he has a Palm Pilot. *nod* Very on the up and up with technology, which plus the rabid viewing of anime = drool. He said he likes my WTF? t-shirt. He's the only purely good part of my days lately. I wanna play with his freakishly coloured hair. x.x;

This will never cease to be funny:

She gave everyone her plastic smile. "Alright then, does everyone have a chair?"

"No." Subaru twisted around and gave Seishirou a look that promised grievous bodily harm.

The Therapist decided that now was a good time to apply the ‘Ignore it and it will go away’ rule.

Nataku walked over to Fuuma's vacated chair. Fuuma in the meantime moved over to the chair next to Kamui and sat down with a smile that promised unmentionable things at the flustered youth. Kamui immediately reacted to Fuuma's proximity by getting up and moving to the other seat, which left the seat next to Yuuto free. Satsuki looked up from her laptop, got up to take that chair and give Yuuto a smoldering look that left Yuuto rather flushed. The Therapist absently wondered what the look implied. Looking back to her ‘SATSUKI IS EVIL’ note, she decided there were some things one did not want to know. Another person got up to take Satsuki's seat and soon the room erupted into a series of madcap activity as people rushed around to move from people they didn't like to those they liked, or at least didn't mind, in a weird parody of musical chairs.

With a voice that was full of patience she didn't feel and wasn't likely to feel any time soon, the Therapist raised her voice and said to the general occupants of the room, "Can everyone please take a seat?"

Everyone in the room looked at her, some with sheepish looks, and others with pleading looks and some with amusement and disinterest. She ignored all of them and gave all of them a pointed look. Surprisingly, everyone obeyed. She closed her eyes, trying to drive away the headache that was forming. She couldn’t shut her ears, however.

"Kamui, come sit here. I don’t bite... unless you want me to."

"BEAST was wondering what sex would be like with a man."

"Sei-shi-rou-SAN!!"

"Over here, Miss!"

"Want to get some ice-cream afterwards?"

"But red ribbons are so nice..."

"Er, BEAST? Uh, ha ha ha, very funny." Pause. "You were joking, right?"

"Do you think this dress is too conservative?"

"Get AWAY from me!!"

"Ice-cream sounds good!"

A bag of vipers, or maybe scorpions and spiders would be a good present for Kaichou right now.

"This sucks..."

"Yuuto-san? Yuuto-san! Are you ok??"

"That dress looks very er... nice."

"Don’t you DARE touch me THERE!"

"Can we go home now?"

SNAP!!

Everyone looked up at the Therapist. She smiled at them. It was a rather strange expression considering she held a broken pen in her writing hand and was glowing a nice angry red.

"Is every one settled down?" the Therapist asked, voice dripping sugar.

Everyone found their seats rather quickly.

Gah. All I'm doing is waiting for episodes of X to upload/send.

basics...
x. name = sawa
x. piercings = ears once, and i will have lip in approximately one week. god dammit.
x. height = 5' 2"
x. shoe size = 5 in boys, 7 in womens
x. hair color = blaaaaaack
x. length = inbetween my chin and shoulders (needing hair cut)
x. siblings = one real brother, two fake sisters and two fake brothers
x. pets = kitty

last...
x. movie you rented = monty python and the holy grail
x. movie you bought =
x. song you listened to = datte, daisuki dakara from tenshi ni narumon
x. song that was stuck in your head =
x. song you've downloaded = rondo alla turca by mozart himself
x. cd you bought = uh...
x. cd you listened to = burned :D
x. person you've called = mistah james
x. person that called you = ryan!
x. tv show you've watched = queer as folk
x. person you were thinking of = taisa

do...
x. you have a bf or gf = stalker
x. you have a crush on someone = nope
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = always
x. you think about suicide = rarely
x. you believe in online dating = no [/contradiction]
x. others find you attractive = i guess
x. you want more piercings = always
x. you want more tattoos = meh
x. you drink = no
x. you do drugs = no
x. you smoke = no
x. you like cleaning = rarely
x. you like roller coasters = only the big ones
x. you write in cursive or print = print
x. you carry a donor card = no

against or for...
x. long distance relationships = for
x. using someone = for
x. suicide = for
x. killing people = for
x. teenage smoking = for
x. doing drugs = for
x. premarital sex = for
x. driving drunk = for
x. gay/lesbian relationships = for
x. soap operas = against

favorite...
x. food = soba of any kind, miso shiru, uh... yep ^^
x. song = don't make me choose >.<
x. thing to do = anything that brings about orgasm
x. thing to talk about = manga
x. sports = psh
x. clothes = i'd rather be naked
x. movies = cruel intentions, something else i've forgotten already
x. band = dir en grey
x. holiday = n/a
x. cars = *blinks* the pretty kind

have you...
x. ever cried over a girl/boy = yes
x. ever lied to someone = always
x. ever been in a fist fight = no
x. ever been arrested = no

what...
x. shampoo do you use = pantene pro-v smooth and sleek
x. perfume do you use = grass, from the gap, but only one a week or so
x. shoes do you wear = VANS
x. are you scared of = naked boys

number...
x. of times I have been in love? = once
x. of times I have had my heart broken? = countless
x. of hearts I have broken? = countless.
x. of boys I have kissed? = ten or.. so... yeah
x. of girls I have kissed? = uh.. six?
x. of continents I have lived in? = one
x. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = none
x. of cd's that I own? = uh... *shrugs*
x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = none
x. of scars on my body? = over fifty, i'm sure
x. of things in my past that I regret? = one: not sleeping more during summer

This post brought to you by: PARANOiA Evil



Ryan. My bed. NOW.

This boy is too much cuteness.

I wanna lick your scar. <:

Edit: d00d. Ryan's voice matches his personality perfectly. ^^

And my webcam is the product of boredom during a chemistry lab.

Yes, that's my The Ring pin in the webcam picture. Yes, I'm that much of an obsessive fag. Thank you Hayley. :D

Update for fun and profit.

Missy's conveniently put the anonymous post option on her journal back on. Let the torture begin. I need someone to take my mind off Jade's inherent illogical high school attitude.

I came up with this crafty little list of things that have happened and things that have resulted from those happenings in the last few days. Imagine, if you will, Mozart's Rondo Alla Turca playing in the background, for it's what I'm listening to as I type, it's setting the tone, and I have no care to upload it.

• Friday, October 18th
  • Got to the Try-a-Trade thing, hoping to learn new things. Certainly wasn't the case. No one I know is going too. I eat the tough bagel they provide, and burn my tongue on their horrible coffee. Sit through a silly get to know the people around you activity without participating, writing on the back of my schedule to myself, Japanese and English screaming save me. I head to the first workshop, Computer Networking, shudder at the massive amount of airheaded preps around me, talking about how they don't even know how to use their computer at home. The one sitting next to me stares blankly at the log-in screen for XP, complains that she doesn't know how to log on, gets up to find the instructor. I lean over, click on the picture icon for the profile, which happens to be already logged in, and voila. She thanks me. I frown.
  
  
  
  • The workshop continues, I meet Amy #3, who is quite the evil, uncaring one. We decide that I should just go with her to her next workshop, so I do. We just walk out on the last ten minutes, head to lunch early, take two lunches instead of one and smile when a chaperone comes around to explain how a few people didn't have lunches and if we had gotten ours too? We say yes. We smile. They leave. We laugh.
  
  
  
  • Called James mid-lunch. Woke him up. He agreed to walk over and rescue me for a little while. Amy #3, James, and I walked around the residential area. Took a sold sign for the growing collection on my walls for no reason. Took balloons for no reason. Wandered over to the cemetery that Jimi Hendrix and James' childhood friend Paul is buried in. I left my balloons at Paul's grave, Amy #3 just let hers run up into the trees. Went back to the tech school, left James with an almost forgotten hug. Played with the automatic button for handicapped people on the entrance doors. (They open simultaneously.) Took the little sign on the chairs we were sitting in for no reason. Left. Gave Melissa my Diet Coke. Found out I missed offers of one-dollar roses. Shrugged, smiled, went home.
  
  
  
  • Scrambled to make plans with everyone for The Ring. Tony and I headed to Julie's five hours early to play DDR. Mm. Fun. The moment I step inside, my English is forgotten and I've turned anime, bouncing off her walls, shouting in Japanese. Tony beat my ass on Konamix at first, but I picked up on all the songs I had never done before and was beating him by close to double his own score. Sexed some ice cream for fun and profit. Laughed, plopped down on the floor to play with the controller for a bit. Tony stared at me in amazement as I pass 8-footers no problem. Shivered. Tony decides to warm me up. Mentioned my reflexes would be nice for something more than just DDR. I torture him relentlessly. He gets hot and bothered. I laugh, and pass through the songs like nothing.
    Julie hits us.
    (Thank you.)
  
  
  
  • They follow me upstairs, wrapped in Tony's Kenshin coat. We turn the Christmas lights on, put Malice Mizer on. I curl up on Julie's bed. Tony joins me. I memorize his face with my fingers. Sing to him in my fluid Japanese. Tell them the names of the songs they can't remember. (It's not Gekka no Yahiko. It's Gekka no Yasoukyouku.) We roll off as Julie claims her bed again. He falls a little too close. Inches closer. I stop his advances. Whisper the illusion away from his eyes.
    Julie hits us again.
    (Thank you.)
  
  
  
  • Tony's mother is there. She takes us to pick Alana and Hayley up. I ask Tony why I'm cute. He can't answer.
  
  
  
  • I tackle Alana to the floor. Everything about her feels right. We pile into the car, rush in a blur to the theatre. I'm somehow elected manager of money, buying tickets and food. We get somewhat lost in a theatre we've all been going to for years, which we laugh at. We sit. Movie begins.
  
  
  
  • We've managed to laugh most of the movie away, but then things pick up, Rachel's stupid child says something I didn't expect, and the time comes where Sadako's undeserving chubby-cheeked replacement comes to claim Noah in his flat. Hayley and I cling together in an overdone fear orgasm. She's practically hiding her face in my shoulder. I yelled at Julie, right during the movie. Some people don't know when to shut up. Movie ends, I drift into the bathroom, lock myself in, and cry in my own way, which isn't even crying at all. I can't help it.
  
  
  
  • Everyone goes home. I'm so tired. I find a stranger in Spam's bed. Tilt my head curiously. Get online to do nothing. And sleep.

• Saturday, October 19th
  • Up at 9:30 am for Leavenworth. The drive is boring. I've been up there more times than I can remember.
  
  
  
  • We go to a new Mexican restaurant. I fondle the five cherries in my Shirley Temple with my tongue. The small Bavarian circus grows every time I see it. Reminds me of Missy and how she used to want to live there. We've missed Oktoberfest by a week, so we wander around random shops. I find a glass art store. I stare. And stare. And stare. I had to stop myself from tasting the edges. I almost found the red I found on my birthday. It was almost blood. Just almost. I rattled half-dormant trees on the side of the main drag, shaking leaves and twigs into my hair and running from tree to tree grinning.
  
  
  
  • By the time we got home, I was running late to the party, and dressed quickly, skipping the vest entirely because it would be too hot. I arrived bearing cupcakes and the first half of Chobits, which was greeted gratefully by Alana's big blue eyes. She's dressed as Tsuzuki, and it doesn't matter that she looks almost nothing like him. Jade and Raye decided to be horribly rude and stay upstairs the entire time, Jade pouting because her life is just so horrible, and Raye talking her unattentive ear off. I was looking rather hot in the school girly sort of way. Patrick took wary glances that he tried to dissipate with one-sided smirks.
  
  
  
  • Alana got a lot of things for her birthday, of course, because she's the pumping heart of the entire body of friends present. We watched her new Excel Saga DVD, which everyone is now obsessed with, and I wonder for the trillionth time why no one picked up on it when I was raving about it six months ago. I spend most of the night curled up next to Tony, his hands rested lightly in numerous places, my legs slung over his. One too many lusty jokes between us that night. After the DVD ends, I wander upstairs to find Jade and Patrick in Alana's bare room, her listening to Bach, and him sitting and staring. I get quiet. After Jade leaves, I take the CD player over, put the soundtrack fron Interview with the Vampire on, and Patrick and I have our first real conversation. He clung to Heather as if to make sure that I didn't take him away. I just watched.
  
  
  
  • When it was just Melissa, Alana and I, we decided to play Chubby Bunny. I stopped at just three. (And am rather ashamed of it, it being just another reminder as to how small a lot of me really is.) Alana gets to four. Melissa gets to six or seven, I couldn't tell, but she could've kept going if I hadn't cracked that temporary in-joke about marshmallows not beginning with B. And then I went home, disheveled and disappointed.

Owari.

In each others' arms they had lain. She was nipping at his neck softly, and he yelped slightly in surprise. His mind and heart racing, he could do nothing more than hold her close. She snuggled into his chest, tracing designs under his shirt, up to his shoulder, around to the back of his neck. Their faces moved closer together, his lips a mere inch from hers.
"I love you, Laura. Always and forever."
His mind told him to draw back, his body would not respond. Moving closer, she stopped him with one finger, pressing it against his lips.
"Iie," she said softly. Part of him silently thanked her. Another part cursed her.

On the floor now, his hands gently stroking her hair. They rolled over, and she whispered, "I'm not her." He wanted nothing more than to shy away, to hide from it all, her contradictions, his weakness. All he could do is nod. "I... I know." They stayed in each others' arms for a bit longer.

The removal. The seperation. She felt... who knows how she felt. His weakness came back in his face, and he thus knew his fault. She stayed away, not directly approaching or seriously conversing with him. She felt... scared by the movie? Regretful of her actions? Not likely... They were the same. But they were infinitely different.

She nuzzled closer, staring and staring and not getting enough, tracing his edges, tracing his neck, asking him in Japanese what his eyes were, what his lips were. She wondered if he thought the same thing she did. She wondered if he was staring and smiling and protecting her with his arms just to fill the hole they shared in one solitary way. They were entwined on the floor in an oddly comfortable position. The girl realized they had inched so close together that she could feel the heat from his lips on her own. Everything felt soft. The cold she tried so hard to shed had faded. Her mouth throbbed, like it always does when quivering need grows inside her.

But he wasn't here. This boy wasn't him. She knew that. She knew what the boy felt, too, because they shared the hole. They shared the ridicule. They shared the trust.

She was afraid she was shaking and that he would notice.

She chose for him, because he couldn't.

She pressed her finger against his lips and spoke to him in her gentle Japanese.

"Iie."

She turned her lips to his ear, and whispered.

"No matter what you think, I'm not her. You have to remember that."

He paused.

"...I know."

The car pulled into the driveway. They clung to each other. The truth hurts.

Springing apart, she rose, smoothed her hair down, turning to him and smiling.

"Ikimasho ne?"


After the movie, she was shaking. Flashbacks filled her eyes, emotion strangled her. She stumbled in a daze into the bathroom, locked herself in a stall, and pressed her forehead to the door. Her mouth opened wide in her painful silent scream, her hands covering her face, this unwanted condition she hated tearing her thoughts away, her tears spilling over. Why did she have to absorb everyone's feelings? Why did she feel what others felt? Why didn't it leave? She shut the door on it, staring at her fingers, quickly going calm, smooth as glass, the surface of a lake.

She left the stall, left the planet, left her mind, walked in a daze, regretted that she couldn't make them understand. Heard the whisper to the others that she had been scared of the movie everyone scorned. That was wrong. That was so wrong.

She comforted the girl. Held her. Let the girl explain as best she could. Listened. Grasped her hands and let go. And the girl slipped back into her body with a smile.

He sat, away. Apart. She noticed. She notices everything. She's always watching you. Always.

You look so sad.

You're thinking about her.

I'm back to shivering.


*sighs* Today was full of... things. I'll get around to telling the rest of you the parts I want to tell you sunday. I met up with James, again. He looked tired. I hugged him and he felt so hard. In a nice way. Maybe I should call him.

There's a stranger sleeping behind me. His name is Chris and he has a nice stomach. Kinda cute too. Hm.

The reason I couldn't pass those 9-footers is because your erection was pressing into my back in your attempts to both keep me warm and just keep me. Where did you go, anyway? I wanted to talk to you because I feel closer to you now, but you leave me a handful of paragraphs to continue, and him asking questions, and what am I to think? This is just the first part. The second half will be tomorrow. You know that.

Your coat's rather comfortable. Even though it was huge on me.

My outburst of emotion and surreal episode in the bathroom at the theatre tore me apart and I am so tired.

Oburi... You're not here. Where are you? Why aren't you here? I need to talk to you, I need to reach out and know you're there. I need you. Where are you?

My lips burn because I've been chewing on them again and it feels so... itchy. I lick them over and over and over and the blood tastes better than anything I've eaten all day. Flesh tastes much sweeter than any processed food you could offer.

Have to take my psych test on monday cause my BYU test ran over its alloted time. Because the entire thing needed essay-type answers. I'm shaking and hugging and drinking Hawaiian Punch and running into Tony many more times that I should be. But he's nice to play with. And he'd say the same about me. We're like that now. I've changed him, and it seems to be for the better.

When I'm out on my own, I'm going to eat in nice restaurants because the taste of the food is more rewarding than getting myself something I'll be unobsessed with in a week.

When I'm out on my own, I'll listen to my music at a level that people can actually hear it at (I swear everyone's parents don't appreciate good music filling in the quiet as much as my mom does) and I'll sing my way to work. And I'll still look up. I'll always look up.

It's what I do.

Julie, I'm beginning to admire the work of art on your arm. You actually surprised me with it. It's so striking. I call for an encore.

My webcam picture is of the back of my new CD player, if you couldn't tell. Yeah, so I go along with a few trends. Who doesn't? I like my stickers, despite however worn out they're getting. I've been too busy reading at my computer to bother with my webcam lately. I'll rub its little button more next week.

I love Josiah.

He makes me shiver. He dissipates my insomnia. He makes me... safe.

1. Smoked? hai.
2. Been Drunk as hell? chigau.
3. Screwed someone of the opposite sex? not yet.
4. Screwed someone of the same sex? depends.
5. Shoplifted? hai.
6. Lied? always.
7. Betrayed a friend? iie.
8. Been to jail? almost. twice.
9. Smoked weed? chigau.
10. Done LSD? chigau.
11. Done any other illegal drug? iya
12. Given oral sex? hai.
13. Received oral sex? hai.
14. Screwed something not of the human race? iya.
15. Screwed something not alive? iya.
16. Cheated on someone? depends on what cheating is.
17. Used someone? always.
18. Paid someone for sex? iie.
19. Been paid for sex? iie.
20. Played strip poker? iie.
21. Skipped school? hai!
22. Skipped school to get high/drunk? iie.
23. Danced naked? hai.
25. Flashed someone? hai.
26. Mooned someone? iie.
27. Kissed someone? hai.
28. Kissed someone of the same sex? hai.
29. Held hands? hai.
30. Hugged someone? hai.
31. French kissed? hai.
32. Had sexual fantasies? they don't ever stop.
33. Had gay/lesbian fantasies? mm... hai.
34. Stolen money? hai.
35. Stolen money from family? hai.
36. Stolen drugs from family? iya.
37. Been convicted of a crime? iie.
38. Dated someone because you heard they were 'easy'? not yet.
39. Had someone date you because they thought you were 'easy'? hai.
40. Been called a whore? hai.
41. Been called a bitch? mainichi.
42. Watched porn? own porn.
43. Taped porn? iie.
44. Watched porn you taped? iie.
45. Kissed someone in a moving vehicle? *blinks*... not that i can remember.
46. Screwed someone in a moving vehicle? iie.
47. Used sex 'toys'? not yet, james. :(
48. Tried to kill yourself? hai.
49. Tried to kill someone else? hee hee... hai.
50. Told someone you hated them? hai.
51. Told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? hai.

Yes, you can have your very own personal stalker

So... uhh... Yeah heh whatcha wanna talk 'bout? Oh you wouldn't happen to wanna make an exception of not talking on Yahoo would ya? Lol other than your boytoy, oh wait nm you don't talk to him when ya 'chat' on yahoo do you lol. Anywho I g2g email me soon plz bai bai *try's to tickle you caressing your sides trying to find your ticklish spot*

Time to put a stop to THIS. *shudders*

Agh, 'mui's not even online...

Jobs suck. They just do. I'll never work where I want to. Why? Because such a place doesn't exist.

Things to do:

Psych homework. (wednesday)
Psych paper. (thursday)
Psych book report segment the first. (21st)
Chemistry quarter project. (28th)
Random French stuff.
Vocab Tests.
Turn in permission thing for friday.
Pay for lab book. (god dammit, adrienne.)
Go see The Ring.
Write. Write the rest of the Time theories. Write the short story. Write the vingette.

And maybe sometime this week I can eat.

*yawns*

I get out of school all day friday to wander around Renton Tech at an all-girls "convention" with a computer programmer, and eat the college's food. Yay two fridays in a row off.

I AM LAUGHING AT YOU ALL.

Update.

I just found a song that challenges, dare I say beats, the end theme of Dragon Half for singing difficulty.

Ultra Relax, the second opening for KoDoCha.

Tongue is in knots.

First off, the sentence "watashi wa ultra relax" MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. ONE CANNOT BE AN ULTRA RELAX. Second, the sentences "america kibun de texas" and "arigato kibun de gracias" MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE PERIOD.

What kind of sound effects are "zuntakatattaka" and "ufufu" anyway? And what the fuck is a "shakushakuppe"? One can only guess. Or ask Jade tomorrow.

Crazy Japanese people.

*small American brain explodes*

Britney's Sister Makes Bid for Stardom

Why don't we just shoot them both in the head and call it a day? Jesus Christ.

I found this punk indie band from China called Hang on the Box (HOB) that's just fucking awesome but the only thing that sucks about them is their vocalist, Wang Yue. I mean, COME ON, your English sucks ass, please don't try to sing in it. Thank god when HOB releases their second indie album she'll be singing in chinese, I'm sure it'll sound a thousand times better. And, girl, you are NOT a screamer, so don't even TRY. Just because you're an all-girl band that's quite reminiscent of Shounen Knife and Mummy The Peepshow doesn't mean you need to be exactly like them.

Anyway.

The White Stripes' Apple Blossom is kinda okay.

And the music from Boogiepop Phantom is good. (Although I already knew this, seeing as how I watched the first DVD with Alana.)

And most everything from Turn-A Gundam *drool* cause it's all done by Yoko Kanno. (God damn, I wish I could find more subbed episodes of Turn-A. Ah well.)

All the rest of the Chobits' songs are kinda... yuck. They're nice in the show, fitting in with the overall comedic genki-ness, but not just for listening to.

Lee Jung Hyun and Kim Hyun Jung and S#arp are reeeeeally good considering they're pre-made saturating-the-market-as-we-speak k-pop.

So Tenshi ni Narumon! is good, and so is Chobits, and so is Megami Kouhosei (Candidates for Goddess), although I'm not really sure why. I know for a fact Golden Boy will be good, and when I can get around to it I'll watch that and then I'll watch Berserk and then I'll watch DNA^2.

S: *sighs* I wish Alana would understand me.
L: -frowns- Well.
S: She was so much fun when she knew what she wanted to do.
L: I think she's just starting to pull together, myself.
S: I wanna start talking to her, but not if it's just going to end up again like it did. :\
L: Ah.
S: I considered her my best friend for a while. -.-

Agh. Can't stop thinking about everything...

"Is that a bear? o.o"
"No, it's a cow."
"...Oh."

...The snowfight in the cabin... Singing along to Gakuto san in the car to annoy her parents... Writing our stupid fanfic... Bouncing around the hotel room like monkeys, devouring pizza and shouting at the people above us to "yell a bit louder, we can't make out what you're saying!"... Playing Go Fish at breakfast with her X cards... Sitting in her room for five hours doing homework... Driving around with three acquaintances at 4:30 in the morning with nothing but pixie sticks and licorice and mountain dew... AGH.

To: Alana
Subject: ;_;

I'm sorry about everything I did if you're sorry about not telling me what bothered you and asking me to stop.

...KAMUICOMEBACKPLEASEIMISSYOUSOMUCH. ;____________;

Speaking of daruma... wonder where mine went. x.x; I have yet to fill the other eye in... let alone has MY WISH BEEN FULFILLED, FUUMA! STOP SLACKING OFF!!

*ahem*

No one told me Look at Us was remixed (into shit, but nevertheless...) and put on DDR MAX2... I remember sitting in my mom's car while she was running an errand and listening to this on the radio... when I was 13... x.x; [/useless information]

I fall asleep with 4.86 gb free, and I wake up with 2.49 gb free. What's in that 2.37 gb? ANIME. ANIME ANIME ANIME. Namely Golden Boy, Tenshi ni Narumon!, and Trigun. This makes for one very happy Sawa. Now, how to get peach juice to make day of ignoring projects complete... *plots*...

I just finished the first episode of "Tenshi ni Narumon!" (Becoming an Angel)...

Holy. Shit.

To quote Gabriel, the guy with the purple-ish hair that was somehow in that "mecha" with Noelle and the rest of their family, and Yuusuke, that was fighting the daruma with one eye filled in that was really a rice cooker...

"I don't know what just happened, but alright!"

To: DDRaholic
On: Soulseek

....I owe you my life.

Found a Chobits song I really like. Ningyo Hime. Doll Princess. Hm.

Me: wai ^^
Mori: *latches* Allo
Me: i put up an actual website
Mori: O_O *goes to check?*
Me: http://www.glass-tears.net/shojojisatsu *thumbs up* :D
Mori: H00t!! That's a great layout XD ^_^
Me: yay ^^
Mori: Yay times a million o.o
Me: d00d :DDDD i loves me layout
Mori: I love it too. ^^; You are a genius.
Me: :O
Mori: I never thought about these concepts..
Me: ^____________^
Mori: How old are you again?
Me: i just turned 16
Mori: *coughs* I hope I'm that smart when I'm sixteen. >_< God, so that's why you like Lain so much! *huggles* You are a genius, my dear friend.
Me: hee ^^ *huggles* thankies
Mori: ^_^; No problem, it is the Truth. Makes me want to be all insightful and... genius-y.

I heard once, in a FAQ about sadomasochism, that the sub really is the one with control. If the sub doesn't want to do it, then they don't do it.

Hopefully I can learn to not do that.

It feels so nice to let go.

I got my head, but my head is unraveling.
Can't keep control, cant keep track of where it's traveling.
I got my heart, but my heart is no good.
And you're the only one that's understood.
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me.
I shouldn't go but your itching, draging, shaking me.
Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky.
The more I give to you, the more I die.

And I want you.
You are the perfect drug.

You make me hard when I'm all soft inside.
I see the truth when I'm all stupid-eyed.
The arrow goes straight through my heart.
(Without you everything just falls apart.)
My blood wants to say hello to you.
My feelings want to get inside of you.
My soul is so afraid to realize
(How very little there is left of me.)

And I want you.
You are the perfect drug.

Take me with you.
Without you -- without you everything falls apart.
Without you -- it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces.

And now, I am going to go make myself Sapporo Ichiban ramen, and sit down in my living room, and breathe in this week-before-Christmas air so my brain can tackle the psychosis that is Perfect Blue, effectively ignoring my homework.

Sometimes I like being alone in the close darkness with nothing but my fantasies of you.

Oh, he's right. Hrm. *hides feelings*

Melissa: ...Dude, stop staring at me.
Me: I can't help it! You look... twelve.
Melissa: >:O
Me: You look like one of the children you molest, as opposed to the child molester you are.
Girl sitting in other group: *angry tone* Excuse me, who said something about what child molesters look like?
Me: *looks back at her* I did. At least something like that.
Girl: *pulls picture out of her backpack and shows it to everyone* Does this look like a child molester to you?
Me: *winces inward* ..No.
Girl: Well, it is.
Me: *turns around* ........
Melissa: .......
Lisa: ........
Raye: .........
Julie: .........
Me: ......Why does she have a picture of a child molester in her backpack?
Julie: Indeed, why does she?
Personal Stalker: I'm asking her. Hey, girl. Why do you have a picture of a child molester?
Girl: It's my uncle. Ever hear of the healing process?
Me: *stares*

That was yesterday.

It...... just........ threw my day off.

French: D
Psychology: B
American Lit.: C
US History: B
Chemistry: B
Geometry: F

I can't help but still feel strange.

Lemon Juice

Hm.

This post brought to you by: B'z - Ultra Soul

Dore dake ganbarya ii?
Dareka no tame na no?
Wakatteiru no ni
Omoi wa yuragu

How hard should we try?
Who are we doing this for?
I know all of this but
My feelings are wavering

Ketsumatsu bakari ni ki o torare
Kono toki o tanoshimenai
Memai

You only think about the end
I can't enjoy myself like this
Dizzy

Yume ja nai are mo kore mo
Sono te de doa o akemashou
Shukufuku ga hoshii no nara
Kanashimi o shiri
Hitori de nakimashou
Soshite kagayaku Urutora Souru

It's not a dream, not this or that
With our own hands let's open the door
If you want to be blessed
Get to know your sorrow
And cry when you're all alone
And then, it's glittering Ultra Soul

Onore no genkai ni
Kizuita tsumori kai?
Kasurikizu sae mo
Nai mama owarisou

Did you plan on
Discovering my limits?
It looks like it'll end
Without even a scratch

Ichiban daiji na hito ga hora
Itsudemo anata o miteru
I can tell

The person who means the most to you
Is always watching you
I can tell

Yume ja nai are mo kore mo
Ima koso mune o harimashou
Shukufuku ga hoshii no nara
Sokonashi no pein
Mukaeteagemashou
Soshite tatakau Urutora Souru

It's not a dream, not this or that
Now, you must open your heart
If you want to be blessed
Then welcome
Your bottomless pain
And then it's fighting Ultra Soul

Kibou to shitsubou ni asobarete
Kitaenukareru
Do it

You let desire and despair play with you
Train it out of you
Do it

Yume ja nai are mo kore mo
Ima koso mune o harimashou
Shukufuku ga hoshii no nara
Yorokobi o shiri
Paatto
Baramake

It's not a dream, not this or that
Now you must open your heart
If you want to be blessed
Get to know your pleasure
And suddenly
It's scattered

Honto darake are mo kore mo
Sono mattadanaka
Abareteyarimashou
Soshite habataku Urutora Souru

It's nothing but the truth, this and that
Right in the middle of it
Let's cut loose and go wild
And then it takes flight Ultra Soul


This is so your song. Hope you got laid. Ganbare!

Click. Goodbye. And back to being alone. I fail to see a difference anymore, between there being a toy and there not. At least I finally got past all the illusion. He was there to keep me occupied. He'll end up like Fencer, in a way, abandoned and wondering what happened. Tch.

Sawa: i watched my chemistry teacher feed a rat to his boa today. it was so... sexual.
Sean: That's just creepy
Sawa: well, it was. i've never seen a snake move like that one did before. i've never seen one strike like he did, as blind as they all are. he held it close, held it till it stopped resisting, killed it. he ate the rat backwards. the rat's head was lolled back, and the mouth was open. small trace of blood, the mouth closed around its midsection... very sexual.
Sean: I'm sure there's a psychological field day hiding in that paragraph, but I'm not touching it with a 46 foot pole.
Sawa: oh, shut up.
Sean: Mhm.
Sawa: it was.
Sean: Maybe it's thinking like THAT that makes you intimidating. I'll have to take your word for it
Sawa: then i'm all the better for it. and indeed you do. you had to have seen it.
Sean: If it IS your thinking pattern that's so intimidating, it's funny how NOW I find it so interesting. Do you have any idea WHY you found the feeding so...for lack of a more direct word....sexy?
Sawa: it wasn't sexy. it was sexual. just the movements, and how it was all carried out.. the positions.. the snake was devouring the rat, and when its mouth was closed around it, with the rat's arms around its head, and the head of the rat slung back, eyes glazed, mouth hanging open..
Sean: I see.
Sawa: no you don't.
Sean: Well obviously not.

James... YOU MUST GET WORK HOURS THAT COINCIDE WITH MY LIFE. I walk through school in a DAZE the day after nights I call you on. And we only got an hour to talk last night, too. FAGGOTRY. You should have just let me believe it was midnight. ;_;

I have color coded my soda can pyramid. How sad is that.

My siblings are once again infesting my house, this time taking over my three day weekend. *battens down hatches*

GUESS WHO'S GETTING A JOB? You have one guess. *grumbles and goes back to reading Borderliners*

Title of Post: Girl gathers friends, shoots self in head

My stalker sent me an e-mail:

Hey Adrieanne, Adreanne, Adri- Gah nevermind Heh

Hey Cutie! Whatsup?? Thought I’d email you and whatnot other than your day bein all mellowish how was it? Heh anywho I g2g email me back plz!

*Poke!*

Bai bai

Sincerely
James Rice (THE FERRET KING OF POKE! YAY ^_^)

*yawns, mouse hovering over delete button* ...Feh. *leaves it there*

I spent all of Geometry tutoring a girl my own age (against what Josiah said/advised/whatever, but what else was there to do, stare out the window LIKE I DO IN EVERY OTHER PERIOD?) ...And I don't know. What we're doing is easy. I showed her how to work things completely backwards and she caught on so yay. The end.

I missed French, cause I was out eating McDonalds. And I grabbed Jade's ass in the hallway. :O

That was.. pretty much my day.

Robbie's FINALLY getting to that annoying stage. Now I can start closing off my emotions and treating this as mere business. He's here for my entertainment, he's here for my entertainment, he's here for my entertainment...

The only other girl on Deadjournal who has Kyou Souma in their hobbies list wrote this:

Ack, but I love that one scene from Earthian with Kagetsuya (ha! I learned how to spell it!) and Chihaya in bed...

When Chihaya-kun (stupidly, in my opinion) tells Kagetsuya-san that he's 'not in the mood'.

He seemed pretty in the mood, like, 5 seconds prior to that.

-_-

They pro'lly just didn't want to turn it into a sex scene.

Because I mean... Have you ever seen Kagetsuya?

He's like...

DAMN!

I mean, really...

DAMN!

As is Chihaya-kun.

But, Chihaya's more... teenager-ish, where as Kagetsuya's more... mid-20's-ish.

Totally agreed. What the hell was that? YOU JUST DON'T SAY NO TO SEX, CHIHAYA. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE KAGETSUYA NIBBLING ON YOUR NAKED CHEST. UKES AREN'T ALLOWED TO SAY NO. :P

According to our The Sex Test results, I'm 5% more sexy than Josiah. This is impossible.

We'll also sleep with the same amount of people. Eleven. Only eight of mine will be girls. Surprised? I think not.

Need redye hair.
Need pay for lab book.
Need get book from sixth period.
Need study out of Japanese 3 book.
Need stop being so blunt mean rude nice.
Need run faster when glomping.
Need talk to James (the non-stalky one).
Need sleep.
Need write.
Need sex.
Need ramen.

*passes out*

AJ: Oh, that reminds me. That day, when I jimmied into the bathroom when you were taking a shower.
Me: .........
AJ: Afterwards or beforehand, you said, next time, get in. I almost did. =O
Me: ...............................
AJ: YOU SAID IT. YOU DESPERATE WHORE. =P
Me: :O I WAS TRYING TO SCARE YOU OFF, YOU STUPID HORNY TEENAGE THING.
AJ: BUT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!
Me: <:O
AJ: THAT DOES NOTHING BUT INTICE ME.. =o
Me: O.O
AJ: Er.. Bed time.
Me: you didn't.. peek at.. me.. did you? O.O
AJ: ...
Me: <:OOOOO

---

Me: *siiiiiiiiigh* josiah sama...
AJ: I know. You want his big cock yada yada.
Me: i want all of him.
AJ: He's actually not too damn bad looking.
Me: hee hee ^.^
AJ: Nice lips, eyes. Made me want to kiss him. BUT ANYWHO.


To: Robbie kun
Called: The Best I Can Come Up With At 1:30 After Five Orgasms
To the tune of: Air - Playground Love

Things are okay.
I think.
It’s just the same day over and over anyway.
The only thing to break the monotony is us.
You.
Me.
We make the world.
We chain ourselves to the wall.
But it’s a compromise.
Freedom for life.
There's always a choice.
Now, sleep well.
Open your eyes.
Tomorrow's today.

Owari



To: Josiah
Called: Holding Back For What?
To the tune of: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

(describing your beliefs)
(is like describing your point of view)
(if you can't describe your beliefs)
(you can't describe your point of view)
(and no one can see through your eyes)
(if you can't justify a belief or point of view)
(then they think you're insane, or a threat)
(and set you up with your own white housecoat)
(three sizes too small with the stiff buckled straps)
(a room with soft, soft walls, and shoes without laces)
(complete with chemical cocktails you sip through syringes)

(sometimes i wonder where we're headed)
(sometimes i wonder if you were ever a child)

Owari


i want to
i want to be someone else
or i'll explode
floating upon the surface
for the birds
the birds
the birds
you want me?
well fucking come and find me
i'll be waiting
with a gun
and a pack of sandwiches
and nothing
nothing
nothing
you want me?
well come on and break the door down
you want me?
fucking come on and break the door down
i'm ready
i'm ready
i'm ready


"I sat in the cupboard, and wrote it down neat. They were cheering and waving. Cheering and waving. Twitching and salivating, like with myxomatosis. But it got edited, fucked up, strangled, beaten up, used in a photo in Time magazine, buried in a burning black hole in Devon. And I don’t know why I feel so tongue-tied. I don’t know why I feel so skinned alive. My thoughts are misguided, and a little naive. I twitch and I salivate, like with myxomatosis. You should put me in a home or you should put me down."


in pitch dark i go walking in your landscape
broken branches trip me as i speak
just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there
just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there

there's always a siren
singing you to shipwreck
(don't reach out, don't reach out)
stay 4 feet away
we'd be a walking disaster
(don't reach out, don't reach out)

just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there
(there's someone on your shoulder)
just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there
(there's someone on your shoulder)

why so green and lonely?

heaven sent you to me

we are accidents
waiting, waiting to happen

we are accidents
waiting, waiting to happen

Just... leave... me... alone.

This post brought to you by: Chitose Hajime - Kimi o Omou

New webcam picture. Yays. Found this tree full of orange near this steel and water sculpture at the Kent library. Couldn't resist stealing a handful for myself.

Something I found from an e-mail I sent Josiah on March Twenty-Ninth, slightly edited:

Descartes said 'cogito, ergo sum', the answer to the question that begat all other questions. Do we really exist? He says 'I think, therefore I am,' and as Pierre Gassendi later said, this is all assuming that thinking isn't an illusion, that things or substances actually exist, and that thinking or any other action or state can exist only as the action or state of a substance. (And that we aren't being controlled by some evil god who has us all convinced what we're experiencing right now is real, of course.) Descartes later goes on to prove there really is a god, though I really don't know how because I stopped reading about his expeditions through philosophy after losing all faith in him with his blatant assumption. This was about the time that I was taking the whole 'never assume anything' very very seriously. Well, if we didn't assume anything, then we can't really be one hundred percent sure this is real, this life is real, and if we can't be sure this is real, where do all of our truths go? These truths we hold are made obsolete by the fact that the bigger picture isn't real. If none of this exists, if it isn't a truth, then all the "proven facts" aren't proven facts. So nothing can be assumed, but that doesn't give us the answers we look for in philosophy. If we're not even sure whether we're real or not, then where does that leave us? Some things are assumed for the sake of continuity. Assumption is necessary for intelligent discussion to occur. Isn't that funny? That even you have based all your every belief and philosophy on so many assumptions?

Hahaha... Oh, silly me. James would appreciate the massive hypocrisy and contradiction. Speaking of him, I need to call him a bit later. We'll discuss this more, of course. What I added to it, because he brought up the question about the existence of reality a bit ago, is that sometimes the bigger picture doesn't matter. Sometimes you have to look at the smallest of actions or words and go from there. I gave him the (rather stupid) example of touching my wall with my pen. It doesn't matter whether reality is real or not, because I'm still touching the wall with my pen. There are worlds wrapped in worlds, and this is how the ant can go on oblivious to the rest of the world. It is much harder to look up rather than down. But I'm not entirely sure what to take from this.

Something else I found in the same e-mail:

She was frozen in one position, poised over the precarious brink of the conversation being carried out. Curled up and balanced delicately upon her toes, she huddled against the wall, ignoring the wild buzzing of her legs going numb and absently staring downward as she listened to the rough whispers.

Worth continuing? We'll see.

...Robbie's seen the first time of many to come in which I skitter off to masturbate like a spider monkey and then immediately fall asleep afterwards, sometimes not without crying a bit, without putting up any sort of away message or closing any incriminating windows. Oops. Robbie, you'll get used to it. Mom, I'm sorry you had to see that. Again. *cough*



OMG IT'S MY BROTHER :O

NickKitsagi: Y'know, fire gets funner to play with as it gets bigger.
Paradox Lain: o.o

LolTolhurstSucks: http://groups.google.com/groups?dq=&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&group=japan.music.comic-band&safe=off&selm=amc0ic%243g%2418128%40news1.kornet.net Dear god, I'm scared.
Paradox Lain: whoever it is, they must die for that travesty of whatever the hell it was trying to be.
LolTolhurstSucks: I have no fucking clue what they were trying to say.
Paradox Lain: *bounces around* i've wasted my whole day listening to japanese music and not doing my homework ^______^
LolTolhurstSucks: FUN

Me: kinda ruined someone's life
Chris: Oh?
Me: mm hmm. all with a little phone call.
Chris: nice work

WAI E-MAIL FROM EMI CHAN! ^_^

how are you doing ?? you have been busy with school, huh!! I had fun with summer vacation.. I miss you.... I go to the school , but I donot want to , because school is boring!! are you still taking Japanese class??? I wanna go to Seattle and see you guys and go shopping there,, that would be fun!!!! how is your family going and your pets like hourses , dogs etc..... I am kinda jealous of you that you are having such a nice house.... I wanna send you something for you , too, actually I did send some stuff for Jade and Mellisa!! what you want?? I like anykind of candy especially, I love chocolate and candy bars!! if you donot mind me send some!! that would be really nice!!! my address is 69-1 Sunawari Tamanoi Kisogawa-cho AICHI , Japan 493-0004 you got it?? anytime Email me back Okay??!!
love ya, hugs
Emi Takeda

So cute. ^-^

RASPBERRY JAM! RASPBERRY JAM! Go Kyoooooo. :DDDD Oh, and Janne de Arc too. Wow, they're good. ^^ Anyway, Josiah sama sent me off to search for a song (that wasn't so hard to find, btw) by Siam Shade called 1/3 no Junjou na Kanjou, roughly translated as 1/3 (of this is) Pure Feelings, and I don't know if he was *aware* of the translation of the song or not, but... well, here.

Even if I love you until it hurts, 1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air
My heart can't even say "I love you"

On the long, sleepless nights
The feelings I send to you whisper "that is love"
Talking endlessly until you're moved to tears, your trembling heartbeat
Changes into a slight fever mingled with a sigh

Give me a smile and shiny days, by your smile
I can withstand the cold of a frozen night

Even if my love reaches the breaking point, 1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air
My heart can't even say "I love you"

Like rain in the middle of summer
Your shining smile ends the drought

Give me a smile and shiny days, don't clear up so quickly
Because we can overcome any wall that stands in our way

Whoever you love, these images will reach them, right?
Don't say you can find them, your words are dancing in space
The further apart you go, the more it hurts the person you love
The more I chase them
The more my heart feels the cruel distance

Give me a smile and shiny days
Give me a smile and nice days
If only we could meet in an embrace...
Whoever you love, these feelings will reach them, right?
If only you had said so in your dreams
Even if my love reaches the breaking point, 1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air
My heart can't even say "I love you"

Sugeeeee suge suge suge. ^___________________________^

You're not supposed to be sleeping, boi, you're supposed to be awake so I can send you off to get all sorts of songs and stuff <: and love you the right way. (NOT A REFERENCE TO *OUR* RIGHT WAY, JAMES.) ...and just as I type that he IMs me. WAI! ^^

Yeah, so I skipped fifth to hang out with Melissa and tape yellow cards to the school, big deal. I'm sure I missed so many ground-breaking inventions in Chemistry. *rolls eyes*

I think I ruined someone's life with a phonecall.

The other razor: You know, I gave up my house for you. o.o
The other razor: Damn. That's... just now hitting me

Psychology: 96% A
US History: 82% B
Geometry: 11% F

Tee hee!

In other news, apparently I'm a fag for listening to Utada Hikaru.


hide - LemonED I Scream
Fra-Foa - Sumiwataru Sora, Sono Muko ni Boku ga Mitamono
Chitose Hajime - Wasatsumi no Ki
Yaen - Selfish
Spitz - Cherry
The Pillows - Hybrid Rainbows

Download these. And then go download something else by Yaen. And something else Chitose Hajime. And something else by hide. And something else Fra-Foa. That is all.

Woke up to Sugarcult. That makes for an interesting day.

My first critic: Nicholas Jones

On Seraph: "nobody cares about your post coital glow. I'm bored by sex poems. A seraph is a type of angel, and I think the implications of that are pretty unattractive in the light of the poem. Sorry, I just don't like it."

That's super, but if you hadn't noticed, I said "post-SELF-coital", i.e. this poem is about me MASTURBATING, Mr. PhD student. And I do believe if you had bothered to pay any amount of attention to anything past line four, the title fits it quite nicely. :D

On Touched: "This is much better than your other poems. The list form can be very effective. I like the detail of French windows - very appropriate."

...I've decided I hate poetry critics.

On Kumo (the spider haiku): "It's not your fault, but this sums up everything I don't like about haikus. It's very hard to write something worth reading that relies purely on the interplay of words out of any context."

Whoop dee fucking doo. I've also decided I hate really serious people.

I go and look at his poems. And they're not good, and not bad, and not pretty or stand-outish or special in any way. They just... are.

Moving on.

Robbie:

YOU.

ARE.

INSANE.

And if you really pull it off, I am so writing a book about it.

And the quest for accurate measurement of my talent continues...

I'm going in one direction, and fuck everyone that doesn't want me going that way. I'm trying to do what makes me happy. Josiah isn't making me happy right now. So we just won't think about him. Robbie was, before he started passing judgement left and right, and instilled a bitter tasting pity in me with his crying. I HATE PITY, BOTH GIVING AND RECIEVING. IT'S WORSE THAN NOT LOVING SOMEONE.

Melissa is more and more becoming someone I "check in" with every week or so. I don't even know Michelle anymore, but did she ever matter? No. We may feel the same things, but so does everyone else our age. I'm tired of dealing with the sixth graders that idolize me, that ask me every week if I'm dating a guy I've said ten words to ever since I laid eyes on him a month ago, and the poor people that fall for me, the same ones I have to surgically remove from me because they're so intent on "fixing" me when there's no fixing to be done.

I just talked to AJ, who cleared up one small thing with me that helped one thing and hurt another. But I like him all the same. He's got all of it right.

And now I am going to talk to James, and it's going to be wonderful, and we'll gripe about whatever we want, and we'll talk about Josiah and Robbie and how my love life is fucked up, and how I want to get out of here and how he still needs to find all his answers in regards to his newfound solipsism, and ponder when he'll find something that makes him infinitely happy. And while we're doing that, I'm going to sip my ruby red squirt, and do my geometry homework, and try to figure out what I haven't worn this week so I can wear it tomorrow, and maybe, just maybe I'll figure out just exactly why I need to choose anyone in the first place where there's no choosing to be done. (None that's effective, anyway.)

So here are my 100 words:

Crushed between two extreme phases in Deceit,
one full of judgement that does nothing but confuse me,
the other freeing, pulling me across the sky, making me glow.
I have a flesh statue of Josiah in his charred room.
He stands there, still as stone inside the scorched walls, staring straight ahead.
I kiss his silent lips, and stroke him gently.
Robbie is just beginning to earn a room.
His will be full of colour.
His will have regret playing over and over.
Who would I give everything up for in a moment's notice?
Myself.
I see through it all.

There's your fucking initiative, Robbie.

Kill me.

Kill me.

Me: i'd give you my ring, but i don't think it'd fit. so i'll just go buy you one with the rest of my money. when i get a chance to go back downtown, that is.
Him: chu~
Me: *plays with her ring* and maybe something else. i wish i could buy those blood colored vases.. too much though. three hundred dollars.. but they were really pretty...
Him: <:
Me: the sun was setting, and the light came in through the windows, and all the sculptures and blown vases and marbles and everything looked liquid. i couldn't stop staring at everything. jade dragged me out of the store so we could go get her calligraphy stuff.. -.-

Ran is a Mibba (Three-Leaf) Clover, someone with very strong magic, but still underneath Suu, the sole existing Yobba (Four-Leaf) Clover. Ran is one of the two Mibba in existence.


Suu: Since then, it's been research or experimentation... But the only thing everyone is interested in is my Magic.

I want happiness

Suu: ...So I was thinking...

I want happiness

Suu: ...That I wanted to come here with someone that would love me even if I wasn't a magician.

happy just to be with you
happy just to see you smile

Suu: I love you.

Suu: I heard about you from Oruha. And I've been wanting to meet you.

Suu: I didn't know until I met you, Kazuhiko.

so take me
to a true Elsewhere
please, take me
to happiness

Suu: I think this feeling is what people call love.

*the statue of a likeness of Oruha in Fairy Park starts collapsing*

Kazuhiko: Azurite!?

Suu: No. Wizards.

I want happiness
I want happiness
to cause your happiness
to be your happiness
s o t a k e m e
t o a t r u e E l s e w h e r e

Suu: Oruha...

p l e a s e t a k e m e

*debris comes crashing down on them*

Kazuhiko: Wait!

*Kazuhiko shields Suu and gets severely injured in the process*

to happiness

Suu: KAZUHIKO!

*cut to Barus*

Barus: ...What is that!?

*cut back to Fairy Park*

Suu: Kazuhiko! KAZUHIKO!!

I want happiness
I want happiness
to cause your happiness
to be your happiness
so take me
to a true Elsewhere

Suu: I should have stayed there after all...

my first thought
and my last wish
a promised land
where fairies wait
with room just enough for two

Suu: I'm sorry...

so deliver me, help me

*shots of Suu holding Kazuhiko*

to forget the reality of day
and to stay in this dreamscape of night,
where I can be thinking of you forever
take me
to my bliss

Kazuhiko: ...Help...me...

*Suu takes his glove off, and exposes the modem (heiki shoukan souchi) imbedded in Kazuhiko's hand, which creates a large laser gun, and in turn shoots the head off the statue, which was about to crush them*

Kazuhiko: ...Did you...find...happiness...?

Suu: ...Yes.

*Barus and Gingetsu (a few of the people holding her pretty much hostage since she was four) show up*

Barus: I'm sorry to interrupt a good scene between the prince and the princess. But, Azurite's not that bad a place... You really have a knack for interrupting me at the best times... I mean, the other day, I was planning to take all of Kazuhiko home with me, and not just his right hand. If you didn't interfere.

Suu: Kazuhiko... he won't die, right?

Gingetsu: No.

Suu: Tell Ran thank you.

Barus: Is it all right? To keep the government secret all alone here...

*Barus and Gingetsu leave Fairy Park with Kazuhiko*

*Suu sits on the ruins of Oruha's statue and starts singing*

I want happiness
I want happiness
to cause your happiness
to be your happiness
so take me
to a true Elsewhere

my first thought
and my last wish
a promised land where fairies wait
with room just enough for two
so deliver me, help me
to forget the reality of day,
and to stay in this dreamscape of night,
where I can think of you forever

take me
to my bliss

Suu: I found happiness. Thank you, Kazuhiko.

*Fairy Park explodes*

Barus: Wait! The princess!

*cut to Kou speaking with the head sorceror*

Kou: The Parliament decided only on the destruction of Fairy Park. Why did you try to kill Kazuhiko as well?

Old Man: ...If the Yobba Clover grew to think of someone as special, the world would basically be in that person's hands. That was why the Yobba Clover was left to be alone.

Kou: Suu claimed that she would commit suicide if she could go to Fairy Park.

Old Man: Yes. That is why the Supreme Parliament allowed for her transport. You know as well that the Yobba's powers are way too strong. Even we, the top-notch Sorcerors, were having problems handling her.

Kou: ...Suu said that it was her first and last wish.

Old Man: You never know how people's minds change. Especially when it involves love. Like how you permitted her acquaintance with a singer from the outside, going against the decision of the Parliament.

Kou: ...Am I also getting a court-martial?

Old Man: No.

Kou: Why?

Old Man: I told you. People are hard to understand when it involves love.

*cut to Kazuhiko's hospital room*

Ran: The Yobba Clover could not be anyone's.

Ran: ...But still, she wanted to go to Fairy Park. Instead of living all alone forever, she wanted to be happy by granting herself one small wish. She wanted someone to take her away from a world of solitude. To take her heart.

I want happiness
I want happiness

take me

Kazuhiko: ...Yeah. She only said, "Take me." I didn't ask about the return trip...

I want happiness

If you find
a four-leaf clover,
It will bring happiness.
But
don't tell Anyone
Where its white flower
blooms
Or how many leaflets
from its stem extend.

The four-leaved clover.

I only want your happiness, knowing
I can never be yours to share it.

Owari


...Suu to watashi wa onaji, dakedo onaji ja nai... *wavering sigh*