Fuuma: Did I say rightly fucked last time? Now you're REALLY rightly fucked. And only two weeks after your first crash.
Sawa: I fucking hate you, Fuuma.

Fuuma: Well, you're rightly fucked now.
Sawa: For God's sake, Fuuma.
Fuuma: God doesn't hang around here, nor should he.
Sawa: The room.
Fuuma: *rolls his eyes* Yes, the room.
Sawa: Don't patronize me. I'm craving it.
Fuuma: Please.
Sawa: I refrained from going last time. I knew what he was trying to do and wanted to help. You... wouldn't happen to know where everyone else is?
Fuuma: *smiles shortly*
Sawa: What the fuck has happened to this place.
Fuuma: They saw the list.
Sawa: From--
Fuuma: Yes. Some are doubting your ability, like he is. And there's no need for anyone with good spirits because you seem to have none yourself.
Sawa: He wouldn't push me to that.
Fuuma: Or would he?
Sawa: *stares at him*
Fuuma: *glances at the floating window of conversation* Oh, zing. He's going to be feeling that one.
Sawa: He deserves it.
Fuuma: And so do you.
Sawa: Find out where they went. Please.
Fuuma: *raises his eyebrows slightly and turns away* As it pleases you. If you really do want to go there, then do so. But know that Hide's up there, and if you open that door more times than he can stand, he'll come out and... help.

Fuuma: What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds?
Sawa: *keeps her stare focused on the ground*
Fuuma: He didn't mean it. Or if he did, he's no better than you are for doing what he excuses.
Sawa: I do what I can to make him strong and in doing so he allows my weakness.
Fuuma: Maybe he was right about your being the better half.
Sawa: *turns her head away*
Fuuma: This wouldn't be perfect. You knew it. You said you would accept anything as long as it were the truth.
Sawa: This can't be the truth.
Fuuma: And how can't it?
Sawa: I fell in love with...
Fuuma: You didn't really think you knew him, did you?
Sawa: And now he discards me? Does thou not laugh?
Fuuma: I have no reason to laugh, but for the irony that the one who worried so about not being good enough for the one that turns out to be the lesser of the two.
Sawa: I am a fool to hold the belief I do. Everyone else is right for thinking the opposite. I still don't give him the position of lesser. I can't.
Fuuma: Too soon marred are those so early made. Let's keep it simple. You built this bed. You're laying it in. How does it feel?
Sawa: I'd rather sleep on the floor.
Fuuma: Oh, my little innocent girl, finally discovering all of the entrails that come with the sweet flesh--
Sawa: Leave me be.
Fuuma: *stands and looks down at her* And rightly so I will. You're where you belong, you wretch.

you come to me at twilight
the soft summer breeze
the sand, the waving hair
but how am i to know?
this feeling has no name

each morning i dream of twilight
and wait for your glow
down where the moonflowers grow
far beneath the sea
awaits a home for me

This is how I feel right now.

I lost my job. I mangled my car. I will probably owe my mother money by the end of this month. No one's hiring. Aya is displeased with the 7-hour job I did on a new layout for her website.

For the moment, it's 5am. I'm almost out of coffee. I need to download more shitty songs for this thing I'm doing for my mother for $50. I'm listening to Shiina Ringo and talking to Lynx about film classes. Sleep is a distant passing thought. I've almost completely forgotten what I have to do later today.

just shut the fuck up

Whatever.

sotto me o tojite
hikari o saegireba ii
yume o mitai no nara

Need Koiwai milk and coffee.

but then they buried her alive
one evening
1945

Or maybe I just need my problems fixed.

the earth looks better from the stars
that slide above from where you are

Or maybe I need to shut up, yawn my last into my hands and go to school like all good children.

all empty rings around your heart
the world just screams and falls apart

Nope. Just the coffee.

kimi dake o mita

tamerai mo mayoi mo iranai
(tsuite oide)

Five(?) minutes.

- My lips are showing one mild sign of infection, but nothing worse than last time, so I'm not worried.
- It'll all be healed up in two days. I hope.
- I am extremely pleased with the job Jacob did.
- Photography is the mother fucking shit.
- I can't wait to dig into the course material.
- Get to go out and buy all of my developing equipment (and books) tomorrow or Wednesday.
- Math, of course, is plain shit, but what the hell can I do about it?
- Nothing.
- People find me more approachable BECAUSE of my new piercings.
- The Boredoms are strange.
- Or the extremely cold snowy weather makes everyone friendly.
- Either way, it's... disturbing.
- This gum was a good idea.
- My sock is falling off.
- The Sims is fun. :3
- My library books are late and I can't find my card. Dammit.
- Snowstorm tomorrow. YEY/BUU.
- There goes the sock. :(
- Mm pasta with alfredo sauce. :3
- *heats up pasta in microwave*
- Nuclearator!
- More Sims plz.
- Where's Josiah?
- Yay Alana scarf. :O
- Where's Melissa disappeared to?
- I really hope Alana sorts that schedule thing out tomorrow.
- While I'm at work.
- Mer.
- I hope no one important is there tomorrow. Either way it'll be slow, but still.
- My job is bullshit. And I hate it.
- I do this with every job.
- I need to call the people at Safeway.
- Dammit, I don't WANT another job.
- I need the money though. I already owe my mother two hundred dollars.
- Fuck. ._.
- I thought we agreed on not being in debt ever.
- Well... We didn't make enough to pay her with, between food and gas and and and and.
- H8 u life. H8. ._.

shot down
it's just such a shame
i bet you feel no pain

Fuuma: Further down the river, eh? Back to some semblance of square one.
Sawa: Or perhaps this is square ten.
Afton: Do we REALLY have to start over?
Sawa: No. No no no. We're not starting over. We're... WHERE ARE MY CIGARETTES.
Lexan: We're...?
Hide: Razing it all to the ground, like we should've done the first time.
Afton: *takes a step away from him*
Cy: Saw this one coming.
Sawa: *glares*
Fuuma: Too much pain right now.
November: You're turning into her.
Sawa: If you EVER say that again, I'll have your HEAD for it.
Fuuma: Too many of them. Like carbonation, right?
Sawa: Fucking soda metaphors aren't going to help me right now.
Fuuma: What would?
Sawa: Sorting all of this out. It's so.. intertwined.
Fuuma: There's always the room.
Afton: She wouldn't. She promised.
Hide: Oh, she's broken plenty of those. In fact she just broke the one that was hanging her with her own rope.
Fuuma: We told you you wouldn't be able to shroud your real self in a coating of first tries.
Sawa: ...The room.
Fuuma: The room.
Hide: Don't worry. I'll fix everything.

Me: i hate people and their bullshit.
Cornelius: hahahaha. oh you too. trouble in paradise?
Me: it was never paradise.
Cornelius: well I'm a bit short on advice. just more arguments.
Me: i never cared for advice anyway.
Cornelius: so why tell me these things? just in need of ventilation?
Me: well, i always figure i'd just give the reason why i'm feeling what i am before i say it. instead of ranting out my ass.
Cornelius: rant.
Me: i also managed to crash my car today.
Cornelius: mhmm
Me: i was late to work as it was, already called in that i had ended up in a ditch. and then i really DID crash. hit ice and ran into the guard railing. it feels so queerly like you're playing bumper cars i laughed. and then someone almost hit ME. and then the cops showed up. i wonder just how much blood residue i was sitting in when he let me warm up in the back. Their computers run Windows NT. or 2000. They look the same. Margaret Cho has a sexual fixation that turns her stand-up into verbal porn. oh, and fuck the economy. there's my rant.

Hayley: And if you EVER want some help, HAYLEY IS HERE. (DEAR GOD PLEASE NEED HELP) REALLY IM NOT KIDDING. NEED HELP.
Me: i.. need help?
Hayley: I don't know. But we can pretend you do, so I don't have to be in my house.
Me: I NEED HELP. OH MY DO I EVER NEED HELP.
Hayley: WOOO!

then out of nowhere
put me right back there
and we know what happens
when we get to your house

Cold miso. Cold tofu. Cold coffee. Suck it all in through my teeth. Fingers itch for something sweet, but I deny myself, so they dig into my lips instead.

She will never see it coming.

I will laugh my way to the doorstep. I will laugh my way to New Orleans. I will laugh my way to my death, knowing what I did and knowing that only I had the balls to do it. Knowing that I was the only one that saw.

I want to give her a hint of who she is, but no. I'd rather fantasize about the realization that comes across her face when it all falls down.

And I looked to like, I really did, but looking liking didn't move. So thus it were, so thus it will be. Oh, if only... If only she'd done what I am to do first. Then she would've won the war despite losing each battle. But as it stands, with this in my hand and the keys in the ignition, she lost the moment she sat down in that plane.

I love how it's all on edge. This precious perfection of cruelty. This is what I live for.

and, thinking of her,
sweet sleep overcame me