ANGER >:O

Blood on her skin
Dripping with sin
Do it again
Living dead girl

Paradox Lain: Hi.
Chaos Windstorm: Uhh.. hi. o_o
Paradox Lain: So, would you mind proving to me that you aren't annoying and won't cause drama if you stay in my hotel room at PAX. :)
Chaos Windstorm: I'm assuming that you're Adrienne? XD
Paradox Lain: Yeah. So, go for it.
Chaos Windstorm: Hm. I can't say that I'll cause drama, though if you know the situation then you know that drama might be caused because of me. ^^; I'm thinking that it might be better if I just don't go, though I'd really like to.
Paradox Lain: Tony's talked to me privately about you ever since this... fling started. So I know more about you than I bet you'd care for me to know. Now. How are you going to make PAX work.
Chaos Windstorm: Wow. XD I admit to a certain curiosity about the things he's said. I don't know how I'm going to make PAX work. I have parental issues which would be clarified so long as my mom knew that I wasn't just staying in a hotel with Tony. I want to go, but I don't want to go. I don't get along well with Pam and I know my being there would cause issues.
Paradox Lain: You're... fifteen?
Chaos Windstorm: Will be 16.
Paradox Lain: That's nice, but you're fifteen now. So let me get this straight. You, a minor in the state of California, slept with a legal adult.
Chaos Windstorm: Yep.
Paradox Lain: ...Oi. I thought I taught him better than that :\ Where, exactly, do you fit in here anyway?
Chaos Windstorm: What do you mean by that?
Paradox Lain: I mean, what are you to anyone here, besides a problem that needs to be dealt with. Do you have any substantial worth?
Chaos Windstorm: Perhaps. I have ambitions to go to college in Seattle, and Tony seems to like that thought. I don't have a clear idea of what you know about me. Tony and I have been close friends and lovers for some time now, but the relationship's been off-and-on. I guess I'm someone who's simply there.
Paradox Lain: ...Close friends? Hold on, I need to scold Tony.
Chaos Windstorm: Oh dear.
Paradox Lain: You know, when I told him to find someone that he didn't care about to gain some sexual experience with, I didn't think he'd go after a minor. -_- Look, whatever sort of ideas you've conjured up about this, I don't want to get into. I don't care what lines Tony's fed you to get into bed, I don't care what he's promised will happen. The ONLY reason Tony wants you to come to PAX is so he can pawn you off to one of his friends and move on and away from everything you two had.
Paradox Lain: This is from the horse's mouth.
Chaos Windstorm: he said that?
Paradox Lain: Yes. Today, in fact. We're trying to figure out collectively how to get rid of you, and I didn't comprehend how deep this ran until earlier. I told him no relationships, but he's emotionally needy sometimes. You sure were convenient at the time, but Pam's here, and they're going to be living together with myself.
Chaos Windstorm: So, how long do you think he and I have been together?
Paradox Lain: I don't really care. I know what you are to him, and I was the one who instructed him on how to get girls to get into bed with him, and then told him to lose his virginity. What matters right now is how we're all going to deal with you.
Chaos Windstorm: I'm not going to PAX, then. This is insanely fucked up.
Paradox Lain: Yeah, well, that's what happens when you think you get into honest
relationships. Thanks for playing.

*scratches her off the PAX list*

The way things are looking, we'll need the room anyway. Is anyone else coming that I don't know about?

No alarms and no surprises
Silence

They're putting in the fences today. Comcast looked at the house but hasn't gotten back to us on the cable and when we can set up an installation date. I dropped my History class because, as I wanted, these English classes with Oakley are going to kill me. Blah blah blah fine blah blah cats are doing great blah blah some cute anecdote of Clover getting herself caught in the window blah.

We're doing fine
We're doing nothing at all

Uuuuhggghghgjfpokdfjeirowrueiewuajsdnsdnlansdcmsxzl...

Bruises that won't healYou look so tired unhappy

Don't give me your lines. "My arms hurt. They didn't want to stop holding you." "Everything will be okay." Don't look at me like that with those eyes and the messy hair like you're so afraid of losing me.

S: I don't spend enough time in my car. Josiah doesn't really like to just drive.
G: Neither does Megan. She starts getting uncomfortable.

I'll go to Arizona
Sex on the rocks
All warm and red
And we bled

S: I still haven't gotten a packet for one class because it says it's in the production room and I have no idea where that is. It's like... production room? What the fuck, did she mean the copy room? I don't know what to do.
G: Just ask someone.
S: Yeah, but then it'll just be the same thing. I'll ask and they'll think I'm stupid, and then I'll explain a bit and they'll say, "...Production room? What the fuck, does she mean the copy room?"

Don't pretend like we're still 16 and it was funny to put my naked feet on the dash and you to go the wrong way down streets. I don't need this ache. I don't need you to squeeze my hand so hard that it tingles. I don't need this.

G: Yeah, sex in cars is great.
S: Wouldn't know.
G: What?
S: Never had sex in a car. Or in a park. Or anywhere besides the floor, a bed, the shower.
G: But it's... fun.
S: Josiah's shown no interest in it, and whenever I'm with someone else, we tend to be at someone's place and close to a bed or futon.
G: Missing out.
S: *shrugs* I guess I am.

I really, really don't need this. I'm not a planet and you're not a curious little asteroid. You're not supposed to come in here and change my life.

Vide cor meum

How much of me has been devoured by Josiah. Does what he's taken away even exist anymore?

Relationship problems. (C'est mal de couer.)

Fuck today and its cloudy sky. The weather's so mockingly mild while I'm sitting here raging quietly to myself.

My hopes are so high
That your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer

This night is wild
So calm and dull

Moving is very tiring. :( I want to sleep and eat simultaneously, I'm hungry even after I've just had lunch or whatever. It's frustrating. I have work tomorrow morning, and we also need to do massive shopping tomorrow, we're going to have like 2+ carts full. Overall it's been great, though. I never thought I'd enjoy having people around so much.

Is Sawa starting to learn what friends are? Impossible!

(Oh man I'm about to get emo.)

Yeah, anyway, the cable won't be up and running for at least another 3 days. Possibly even 6, but I really don't want to think about that. It's bad enough having to look up recipes and check my e-mail on my cell phone, but AIM won't log me in and I can't check my gmail account. :\ At least we have electricity and gas and water.

Speaking of the gas stove, Jesus tap-dancing Christ, I am in love with that thing. Even though it makes the handles of the pots so hot that I burn my fingertips on them. >: Pam and I attacked the kitchen and set everything up. It's arranged very... queerly. :D

I... really want to cook for Ash for some reason. But I also don't want him being like "omgz ew u sux." Hmm! I'd call him right now, but he's on the phone with Hannah.

The kitties are starting to come out of hiding, Clover skitters around on her front two paws and her hind legs have a hard time catching up. Pockets sticks to the closets in my room. Everyone had sex for the first time in the house earlier today, and we took first showers and so on. There's this neat little area next to Pam and Tony's bedroom where I think I'll be putting a chair or pile of pillows and reading there. It gets a lot of sun through the massive windows.

For every day that I
Should have you by my side

Whoever had the misfortune of calling me right before the move was lambasted with news of Camp Sealth wanting to interview me. I got a letter today from them curtly rejecting me and telling me that they've hired everyone they need to. I've NEVER heard of a summer where they weren't lacking in staff. Something's up, it probably has to do with the fact that I quit last time. I figured I'd bug the woman who was so excited to interview me, Megan, but I can't access my gmail account and therefore don't have her phone number.

This jerking me around's put me in a foul mood today. This now means I don't have a job for summer and have to start posting on the SPU nanny forums AGAIN for a summer position. (I still don't have to work full-time because these people pay so much because I have so much experience.)

Quiz due by Monday. New novel (400 something pages) to be finished by Monday in order to make and turn in questions on it Tuesday. Recycled essay to clean up and turn in Tuesday.

Sotto me o tojite

Sigh. I don't want to have a wasted summer like last year, where the first half I worked full-time in an office, and the second half I frantically looked for a job and enrolled in school. I want to do something fun. ._.

And I starve
I starve for you

Everything's up and down.

I've got a cupboard with cans of food
Filtered water and pictures of you
And I'm not coming out until this is all over
And I'm looking through the glass
Where the light bends at the cracks
And I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
Pretending the echoes belong to someone
Someone I used to know

And we become silhouettes when our bodies finally go

I forgot that I have that online History class. I've missed three assignments already, and the only reason that I've remembered that it exists now is because I got an e-mail telling the class that the quiz for this week is broken and to try and get it in by next Monday.

Skipped my classes to squirm around on the bed and come next to Josiah while he nuzzled me. I'd say that's a fair trade. I took care of all of my car stuff too, but I forgot about the fucking zone permit, so I still need to go get one of those. More money gone. Ugh.

Clover's twisting around, trying to set her chin comfortably on my arm. She's a year old now. So cute. *pet pet* :o

Packing packing packing... Josiah's been sleeping all day... Everything's warm and lazy like summer. We get the keys to the house today. Don't want to go to work. Want to hang out on the wood floors and throw all the windows open and play some slower Dir en Grey or something. In fact, I'll probably go and do that after work. I'll just lay on the floor for a time.

And maybe some sexual relations with the kitchen.

Hey now, the kitchen's asking for it with those ceiling-high cabinets and shiny new appliances.

Mmm.

I wanted to walk through the empty streets
And feel something constant under my feet
But all the news reports recommended that I stay indoors
Because the air outside will make
Our cells divide at an alarming rate
Until our shells simply cannot hold
All our insides in
And that's when we'll explode
And it won't be a pretty sight

And we'll become silhouettes when our bodies finally go

Hey
What's the point of this
Hey
What's your favorite song
Maybe we could hum along

Problems have risen.

Horrible problems.

I'm all choked up, so excuse me if I'm quiet.

I really don't know what to tell you. I know he'll see this. I know he'll be angry. Maybe I shouldn't say it then. Maybe he doesn't want me to say it. Oh God, I've made a habit of second guessing myself again.

I'm censoring myself. How grand to have the masochist punishing herself, willingly. Gladly.

With a smile.

I think you're smart
You sweet thing
Tell me your name
I'm dying here

Got you where I want you

Takanaru haato ga ima ni mo tobidashisou
(Now my pounding heart feels like it's going to fly away)

I'm not feeling the low lows that I normally feel after conventions. I think it's because the excitement of the house is still building inside my system.

My mother's not going to be there when we move, but she can't be there all the time, and I am understanding in a way that only our relationship could produce. I always thought I had her assigned to me to look after me my entire life. Never any of the daughterly feelings here. She's one of the very few people I'm ashamed to disappoint.

Mediocre Con was precisely such. The company you bring always makes it a million times beter. I told Ash about the flock of people I get every year, and thankfully, that didn't happen. Everyone's forgotten me. I got a few stares from Nichole, who looked like she was trying very very hard to recognize me, but couldn't place my face to a name. Kelly found me, but I didn't run into her past the first day.

The dance sucked again. Not too surprised. I got my hopes up beforehand, and I should know better. There were plenty of people I already knew to dance with, no luring anyone in. Oh well.

Green Hair was a welcome event, but that's a post for the secret journal. Suffice it to say that nothing between us has changed, just festered.

Yurusarenai no nara subete ga kiereba ii
Kanashimi mo itami mo nanimo iranai sekai e
(If I can't be forgiven, then everything can disappear
The sadness and the pain and the world that doesn't need anything)

Aganau koto sae dekizu ni boku o tojikomeru
Inoru koto shika dekinakute
Kanashimi wa ienai
(I lock myself up, unable to even atone
I can't do anything but pray
My sadness is not cured)

Clover hovers around me and watches my fingers on the keys, the headphone cord slithering down my chest, the Dejiko hat I have on my head. Her head on my arm briefly, gently. She parts her mouth when I stroke her soft little kitty face.

How impossible to be so satisfied by a touch.

Hakanai yume wa
Kanashii yume wa
Setsunai yume wa
Owari o tsuge
Yasashii yume ni
Itoshii yume ni
Ano hi no mama ni
Ano koro no you ni

I feel like a retard.

Under FTP, I had managed to put the old URL of this site, and not ftp.rydia.net.

And that's why it wasn't working.

And I JUST figured this out.

I was also trying to "fix" the archives, thinking that it was displaying them weekly, and not monthly, which would be more compact in most cases, right? Then Holy Christ, I figured out that it WAS sorted monthly, and that I have a lot of fucking posts. Nearly a thousand now. Godspeed to those of you who wish to brave the insanity of the new archives. I put them up just for you. <3

Christ, I can feel myself buzzing.

Never felt so anxious. Feeling so alive, full of energy. I can feel every single electron's circling spastic frenzy, it's making me blossom.

Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay

Ash tells me I've been smiling more. I hold that comment like a moth, a hummingbird, delicately and with my palms.

Like a fresh battery
I'm energized by you

I feel like a kid. I mean, I've always felt like a kid, but now I feel like the world is unknown and waiting in front of me to be rediscovered.

Today
I'll start it with a lie
I love it when you cry
When all along it hurts to
But hey
A little lullabye
Can start with burning eyes
When all along she feels good

There's this picture of me from two years ago:



I kinda feel like that. When everything is in place.

Actually, that picture makes me miss my black hair. Damn.

Well, besides the hair, everything's going great. :D!

Why am I so curious?

Heh. Ash is going to come back and all of my worry over whether the static in the air is still there will be gone, and the cling with come, and I will breathe it like air, sadistic oxygen in my little masochist lungs, mm.

I laugh
Everytime you open wide
I'll land in twice the time
When all along I feel good
But hey
A little lullabye
Can start with burning eyes
When all along she feels good
Feels good

I regret nothing.

God damn. I can't wait for the next two weeks to happen.

The House. Squee!

I feel so stupid, happy and numb

Neil.

Look at you.



Are we seeing a trend here? Are we seeing a theme? They all code/program. They're all dominant. Dark hair, dark penetrating eyes. They all adore me.

You are

How lucky you are, Neil, to have my adoration in return. I pour it on you from here.

Gackt did the end theme of Texnolyze. That one threw me off. Was perhaps expecting the man who did the ending for Lain and the opening for NieA_7. Gackt... not fitting in so much with the theme of the show, but we'll see. I'm only four episodes in, and as we all know with ABe san, that's not very far at all, is it.

Those crazy messed up things that you do

Oh, you tease, you. ABe san. How you torment me. How I love it.

My obsessions run deep, but any of you could've told me that. If you all already know me, what keeps you coming back? What keeps you here, lovely things?

And you’re consuming me violently
And your reverenece shamelessly tempting me
Who sent this maniac?

Is that it?

Is it that I am all-consuming. Is it that, if you let yourself, you could follow me to the ends of the earth. I'd like to think so. It helps the days pass easier.

So many...

And I want you

...things here...

You are the

...too much to sort out. Too much hiss in my server.

(Dare I say it?)

I got my head
But my head is unravelling

Too much information. Not enough to please, never enough, but more than enough to overload every single synapse, every neuron, every fucking cell of my body is reverberating with these facts, these thoughts, things, people, words noises touches brushes beatings cuts thrusts.

Can't keep control
Can't keep track of where it's traveling

Ash read the mind-reader. He crept in when she wasn't looking. This... person. This thing, this shameless hedonist has entered. Perched itself. Watching, extracting with all the patience of a four-year-old, the skill of a therapist asking asking asking. "Thoughts, please. Now, please."

And then there is him, up in his room, head hidden from view for such a long time, evokes an image inside me of his door shut up tight.

You make me hard
When I'm all soft inside

Saying hello. Saying I'm here if you need me. I'm here for you, Sawa. You remember the months we spent in this room together. Just say the word.

You are the perfect

I decline.

For now.

I got my heart
But my heart is no good

My stories slipped away, lost inside one single focal point, one scathingly red image to balance the blues of Neil's skin.

This picture contains thousands of words.



I am so tangled in my sins that I cannot escape

And what would mother say?

I come along
But I don't know where you're taking me

Some of you are saying, "I knew there was something off about her. I knew she'd snap someday."

Consider me snapped.

Don't let it go away

This feeling has got to stay

Pulled from my spiral:
But what do I really want to be? I feel like the thing missing in my life is the push from motivation I don't have, but is a Master the push I need? Josiah doesn't want to be this for me. He wasn't too sure he wanted to play with the collar more than we do. I'm very hurt and confused and the worst restriction has been placed on me.

[The restriction being that I cannot mention anything of Josiah or our relationship to anyone without his express permission.]

I'm feeling very lost. And then...

And then I imagine things like Roman parties, absolute feasts. I imagine serving and being given to the whims of guests. Lurid thoughts like these consume me. I feel like I'm depriving myself of my full talents and worth by not participating in these things. (Is he putting words in my mouth?) Feeling very lost and alone, indeed.

These female slaves and subs I meet, I sometimes am not comfortable around them. I've never been incredibly great with talking to girls. Maybe if there was a subby guy... But what difference would talking about anything do if none of it can be acted upon? And what good is it when your restriction limits you to a life of silence?

I can imagine myself now, sitting with Josiah and this third person -- Ash, if we're getting close to reality -- and I have to turn to him to ask what questions I can answer, what facts I can mention and reference.

My soul is so afraid to realize
How very little there is left of me

So now, my friends, constituents, acquaintances, stalkers, fuck buddies, mentors, caretakers. Now I am without words for you. There's only so much I can say before we slip into my relationship with Josiah, and now that I'm not allowed to speak it... What then?

The rest is silence.